Crowd Muffining

Ok, let's talk about this new trend in the music industry: crowd funding. There's a lot of argument and a lot of slandering and, quite frankly, I'm sick of seeing bands lash out at each other because one of them is asking fans for money and the other refuses to do so.

For the uninitiated, crowd funding is when a group of some sort seeks fan funding for a particular venture. The most common projects for bands are new albums, paying for a tour, or replacing stolen gear or broken down vehicles. In return for fans' payment, the bands provide various rewards from the basic "receive a copy of the album for the price you'd pay later anyway" to more extravagant rewards for higher payments like "come and do guest vocals/instrument for the new album" - the fans don't get nothing for their money. "But isn't this something that a record label usually does?" you ask. Only in part, my dear reader. They way the record label usually works with a band is the label provides a loan for the band to cover recording, marketing, and some merchandise. Now, this is not always the case - there are labels who either solely cover distribution and the band pays for the entire thing themselves, and some labels are far more supportive than that. But for the purposes of this discussion, let's take the standard: bands are given a loan that they are required to pay back.

Because that's what the funding for recording, marketing, and merchandising is. That money doesn't belong to the band. In fact, most bands have to pay for their OWN RECORDS if they want to sell copies at shows. Yes, you heard correctly - the bands who wrote and recorded the music have to purchase it from their record label in order to sell it at concerts. Ok, the label did pay for the album, so that can be justified (even if it does elicit the knee-jerk reaction of disgust from the average person). And yes, it's completely reasonable for a label to expect repayment for the money they've put into that band and their music. So, if this is so reasonable, then why would any band opt to do things any other way?

The short answer is that the bands see very little profit. "But they're rock stars! They're rich!" you object. This is a very common misconception. The only bands that really see any true profit are the most popular. That means that your average metal or indie or punk or folk artist who sees maybe one single every two years get any real radio time and has little to no recognition outside the underground scene. That, in turn, equates to their only option of concerts being much smaller venues. Sure, they may have a night where they play to several hundred fans, maybe even 1,000 if they're really well known. But how does that compare to people like Lady Gaga, or even Metallica who can play to 10,000 people minimum at each show of a 15 stop tour?

"So what?" you say. "They still can play to decent crowds. I mean, they get paid for every show they play anyway!" Yes, they do get paid for every show. But there are two main ways that happens. The first is that the venue provides them with a paycheck for playing the show. However, they also have to pay the promoters and the agents of all of the bands playing that night, and that comes directly out of the artists' cut, which is usually no more than a couple hundred dollars for the entire band to split. The other method involves the band having to do a pre-sell of tickets. This means that they have to sell a certain amount of tickets before they can even be officially booked for the show, and then the above arrangement takes over. It is worth noting that this particular method is usually reserved for unsigned bands. Bands then get to supplement their earnings with any merchandise that they sell (which also comes out of their pockets if they are not directly supporting a new release with a record label - and sometimes does even then).

Now, that's the income from an average show. Most tours last anywhere from two weeks to two months. For argument's sake, let's assume it's a two month tour. The bands can make up in the tens of thousands if they have a good arrangement and excellent merch sales. "That's more than I make in a year! Now I really don't feel bad for them!" you cry in rage. Not so fast! That's their income, yes, but we have yet to talk about bills. So, let's begin, shall we?

For any tour, the band has to transport themselves, their merch, their merch guy, and all of their gear which requires at least an SUV or a van and a trailer. Being generous, the best in terms of mpg that they can hope for is 20 mpg while towing that trailer. With gas prices averaging around $3.50/gallon, and keeping in mind that a two month tour WILL cross the entirety of the United States, that band will shell out an easy 5-10 thousand dollars on gas alone. Next, let's talk about the average band size. For a metal or punk band, you can easily assume four to six members, plus the merch guy - all of whom need food. Most bands, as mentioned above, are not travelling in RVs or tour buses that have kitchens in which they can cook. They generally have to eat the cheapest, least healthy take out that they can find (or occasionally they are taken in by generous fans who gladly cook for them). Finally, any merch that they wish to sell comes straight out of their pockets. And this argument is not including any unforeseen circumstances like weather conditions preventing a band from making a show, vehicle failure and the cost of repair, or stolen gear and the cost of replacements, which all occur with frightening frequency. All of a sudden, it doesn't seem like the average band has much to spare at this point, does it? In fact, for most bands, a good tour is where they break even, and a great one is when they all leave with a couple hundred dollars to take home to their families.

Which finally brings us to the purpose of crowdfunding. As mentioned above, the band provides a wide variety of rewards for your money. Many include things like digital downloads (for the price you'd pay for it on iTunes later), t-shirt bundles, signed merchandise, and far more unique ones like a pizza party with the band, visiting them in the studio and participating in the record, or even having them play a garage or backyard show at your house - all based on the amount of money you choose to donate. There's no record label to take a cut of the funds, there's no middle man to remove a portion of the profits; everything goes straight to the band. All of this is no different than a preordering an album through the record label. Plus, it gives unsigned bands a chance to reach more fans in this age of social media by providing them with a chance to pay for the kinds of merch that they want to get!

So what's the argument against it? Well, many people think that it comes off as "begging" for money from the fans - but, as noted above, it is no different that asking fans to come to shows, buy the album, or buy a shirt. And that's it. That's the only argument against it. Now, it is true that crowdfunding can be abused, but thanks to policies set in place by platforms like Kickstarter and Indiegogo, even when abuse takes place it is quickly rectified.

And what may be one of my favorite benefits is that it draws bands out of retirement. The band says, "Hey, if you guys want it, we'll quit our jobs and record some new music for you, maybe even do a tour if there's enough interest. And you get to decide what you want to pay. If there's not enough interest, we'll keep doing what we've been doing since we broke up." What would you do if your favorite disbanded group got back together and said they'd put out some new music if there was enough interest for them to quit work and get back into the scene? You'd pay what you could to see them back, wouldn't you? In the past year, I have seen Five Iron Frenzy, Confide, Soul Embraced, Of Machines, and Still Remains all come out of retirement, and I couldn't be happier about it. These bands were very talented and I can't wait to see what they have to offer.

So, crowdfunding seems to be very controversial for reasons that I don't understand. I submit that it is no different than buying merch or preordering an album the traditional way. In fact, it ensures that (minus the small fee that crowdfunding platforms require for hosting the campaign) all of the money goes straight to the band and all of the rewards go straight to the fans. This is the most effective way for bands and fans to get what they want, and it allows far more flexibility for this goal.

(This rant has been aimed specifically at crowdfunding music, but it should be noted that there are literally hundreds of other types of campaigns from jump-starting small businesses to raising money for a cause and many, many more.)

Check out a few of the campaigns I've been following and browse some of the others to find ones you like!
New Still Remains Record
New Austrian Death Machine Record
New Misery Signals Record

Muffinman

 Okay so it's been a little while since most people have heard from me, but here we go. Let's take a trip back in time, to the days of the Playstation and N64. Before the Xbox, game makers had this... creativity and ingenuity that was just mind-blowingly amazing. They came up with new and exciting concepts and challenges and they made sure you had to -try- to succeed, let alone excel. Games were challenging and colorful and fun and just plain HARD. You didn't have difficulty selectors or sliders or adjusters  No, you had to play the game the way the creators made it to be played. Puzzles were mind boggling, enemies were interesting, levels were colorful, and the quests gave you something to look forward to. The rewards felt -good- and made you more powerful for it, but you need that to be able to continue on, and the curve just kept getting steeper. You had to learn the way the game thought and flowed in order to survive. A great example of this is the game Rayman for the original Playstation console.
 So, before I get into the game, I just want to make a few points. Okay, yes, I know the dialogue feels like a three year old wrote it and there's little that helps the story along as you play it, I get that. Despite that, I still feel like this is a game that people overlook and forget about. This game is hands down fantastic, even with how many times I personally rage quit after dying twenty seven times at the exact same point. It's frustrating and annoying and HARD, but it feels fantastic when you prevail. Fairy spit gives you magic powers, your hair is a helicopter, you have no arms or legs and you can make funny faces. I mean come on.

Really Moskito? Why'd you have to do that.
Nobody likes that.
Stop it right now.

 Anyway, on to game play. There's a few points that I have to make here as well. First off is the enemies. You don't have the power to punch right off the bat - it's something you have to earn - so the only defense you have is making faces at the enemies. Silly, right? WRONG. This is how you defeat enemies in the early stages of the game. Seriously, they must be terrified of the face because they just stare, then take off running the other direction. Now, later this doesn't really do anything, but it's still kinda funny. Now, the enemies themselves are weird and different and downright strange. First few levels are alright, but then you fight a giant mosquito. You fight him again later, but the first time you fight him, he cries, you high five him, then you RIDE HIM. That's right. You ride a giant mosquito through the forest dodging spike fruit and gremlins and pirates that shoot flailing wooden mallets. Don't question it. Then you move to band land and everything just starts getting eyes. And the eyes shoot lightning. And the bombs jump in the air, then fly. And there's mirror bugs. I MEAN COME ON. Why do you not see any of this in games these days? IT'S ALL THE SAME IN EVERY GAME NOW. In Rayman, I look forward to every part of every level because I don't know what kind of new challenge is going to be presented in the form of platforming or enemy placement or just enemies in general. Every area has completely new types of enemies. None of them are the same! This is absolutely incredible! Then there's the area bosses. These are mostly optional and are not required to progress from area to area - in fact, you have to complete two extra levels in some areas to even get to them. But when you do, you better be prepared. These guys are HARD. I mean, ridiculous levels of hard. It's insane! Anyway, yeah/
 Moving on from the enemies, you have the actual platforming. These levels aren't exactly a maze, but you have to have a general idea of what's where to really make it through smoothly. Plus, depending on what actions you take or where you go, items or enemies or objectives will appear out of thin air. Obstacles, plums that you have to ride on, climbing vines, falling platforms, slippery slopes and swinging fruit; this stuff is everywhere. Almost every section of this game makes you stop and think, "Okay, how can I beat this without fucking up and dying." And inevitably, you'll be wrong, and you'll die. And die. And die. You get the point. It's not even that the platforming is clunky and unresponsive. There are just so many elements that are taken into account. Once you get the hanging ability, you have to gauge whether you want to just barely make it to the edge of the platform and hang, so you can get a better look at what's below you, or just try and make it the whole way. Enemy on the next spot? Can you make it to the ledge to hang? Then you get the helicopter hair, and the distances become longer. Slippery lines send you flying along with huge momentum, but if you latch onto the edge of a ledge all of that is lost and you may not be able to proceed. You have to duck as you're sliding, or crawl underneath deadly spikes. All of this happens multiple times in many levels and it's fucking HARD. They compensate by giving you a million and a half continues, but still. Nobody likes dying. And dying. And dy-

Mr. Sax.
...I really shouldn't have to say any more.

 Next, we have the... well, really that's all Rayman is. It's enemies and platforming. But they do it so well that you don't anything else. It flows and melds together so well, that even without the story it doesn't feel like you need anything more. It's complete. That and it's HARD. I don't think I can stress enough how frustrating a lot of this game can be. The enemy placement just pisses me off and the platforming obstacles are absurd and offensive, but you can't be mad at the game. It's done so well, if you get angry at the game, it means you suck. End of story.

Muffin Princess

Ok, so there's this new-fangled invention out there know as the "tele-vision", meaning literally "to see across", and it's used to convey images over vast distances with, or, and this shit's seriously going to blow your mind, without, wires.  And some people have done something pretty clever with this "tele-vision", and  by clever I mean that they've.... drawn some pictures.... ok... um, well, so they drew some pictures, each one much like the one before it (those clever bastards), and then they run them past in rapid sucession so that it look like what they've done is draw a living thing in paper form.
...
I know what you're thinking...
and
NO!
They're not evil wizards summoning processed-tree-demons in order to melt the minds of our youth and steal all of our virgins for pagan sacrifices to martian tentacle sex monsters.
They're.... artists..... which may be worse.
And what they've done is call "ani-mation" which, in the latin, means "to give life to".  Ok, that didn't make my case for them not being evil wizards... maybe I should have been an artist, er, ink tree demon wizard.
So... by now you're surely quite bewildered as to where I'm going with this.

Again with the motherfucking moon...
and a chick....
and it's Japanese....
Rule 32....
FUCK, some things cannot be unthought.
DAMN YOU MOON!

Annnnnd, the picture probably didn't help.... again.

Well, I'll explain.
I'm going to tell you about Murder Princess.
And yes, you read that right.  Murder Princess.
What IS Murder Princess (fuck italics) you ask?
It's a strong contender for being one of the best anime mini-series made in the last half-decade.
Now, I say "last half-decade" solely so that Cowboy Bebop is completely excluded from these discussions.  And if anyone brings up Naruto or some other shit that's been on for 57,000 seasons just know that there's an angry honey-badger on its way, and it intends to ambush you in the shower, with bees... bees with tentacles.
So, I say it's good.  But why?  Well, lets start off with the fact that's its only 6 episodes.  Now, that's not a lot, but, if you just want to watch it all in one sitting, it's perfect.  And that's a good thing in this case, as that allows you to keep all the utter fucking nonsense fresh in your mind.  And by 'utter fucking nonsense' I mean, midget death robots with rocket-fists.  However, unlike the highly entertaining nonsense in, say, Bayonetta, this nonsense does, eventually, make about as close to perfect sense as is possible for an anime named Murder Princess.

Well, according to Google this is a 'midget death robot'...
So far Murder Princess is kicking Google's ass when it comes to making sense.
But... the picture...
I'm concerned, and I want to know as little about this picture as possible.
I do not fucking want to know where/how the midgets and/or death are involved here.

While I do say that it makes something that at least resembles perfect sense, I can't say that it actually makes a lot of sense.  Most of the character interactions are pure gold, the setting's good, and even the character motivations are solid, and the plot leading up to the ending is respectable, if a bit cliche, but the ending... eh fuck it, don't know, don't care, like I said before, midget death robots, with rocket fists.  (I'm repeatedly mentioning only the midget robots so that I don't start giving out spoilers or some shit; yeah, that's right motherfuckers, all this batshit insanity is relevant to the PLOT, which it HAS, unlike some other highly popular series where certain main characters sparkle and other main characters need orthodontics and a therapist to maybe help them figure out how to express emotion properly, but i digress....)  Anyway, it kicks ass, is entertaining, it even makes a good bit of sense, and all it asks in return is that you leave your logic, and maybe a bit of your sanity, at the door and hell, maybe break out some vodka.


But really, all Murder Princess is... is a pregame for Needless.  Which you'll all learn about in next whenever-the-fuck-I-feel-like-it installment of... being told about thing... because lets face it, you can't be trusted with figuring this shit out for yourself, if I had left this entire situation up to you it's be on the news, and it'd be a scene of you, outside, all but naked except for a set of plastic moose antlers, tying an artist to a tree and making him dress up like sailor moon as retribution for him conjuring tree demons and sending all the damn virgins and rum to the martian tentacle monsters.

And no, they wouldn't have let you out on bail.

Muffins, Muffins, and Rock 'n' Roll

Ok, I know the whole "sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll" image has endured for decades. And I can even understand why it started - a counter-culture, a statement against the "man", a way for people to make a new name for themselves. Hell, I can even appreciate some of what it added to music. However, I submit that this image is dead, and here's why.

First and foremost, if you can go through the top 20 Billboard hits and not find a single song about or containing references to sex or drugs, I would be astounded. There is no "edgy" factor to talking about sex and drugs when everyone is doing it and it's exceedingly popular. It's still a statement, I'll give you that, but it's saying something completely different now. It's saying, "This is the formula that's worked for everyone else, so I'm gonna keep using it!" It adds nothing to the message of the music. Period. (As a side note, at least the bands who started the trend had the lyrical ingenuity to hide their references with clever writing. I may not like it all, but I appreciate the lyrical ability.)

The second - and, frankly, the more upsetting -  reason is this: it is expected for musicians to abuse drugs, alcohol, have a multitude of sexual partners. They're expected to have little respect for people and laws. And why is this? Because they're "making a statement" or they're "eccentric". Except they're not. If this is expected behavior, you're no longer making any kind of statement or being eccentric or unique in any way. It's just pathetic and immature, which is, sadly, the image that most artists have adopted for themselves.

"Now, Pawn," you may say, "you don't listen to mainstream music. You like your metals and punks and hardcores and whatnot. Why do you care about any of this?" Well, dear reader, let me tell you.

I care, first of all, because the popular music dominates the entertainment sphere. It's what kids are listening to all day, every day. They soak it all in because it's what they're "supposed" to be listening to. So, if this is something that is so profoundly and completely impacting the next generation, why are we pushing substance abuse and a pressure to sleep with everyone you meet? Why aren't these public figures fashioning images of responsibility and a mindset that leads to the betterment of ourselves as a nation and as a species? This is my first issue.

Seems legit...

The other reason that I care is because it's spilling over into my scene. In the last couple of years, many of you have probably heard about the nonsense that Jonny Craig (of Dance Gavin Dance fame) has gotten himself embroiled in. He's been kicked out of almost every band he's fronted, sent to rehab numerous times, and even stole hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars from his fans in a Macbook scam. I wish I could say it was just him, but even more recently, members of I See Stars were arrested on drug charges as well! And the number of band members who have died from ODing is growing every year. Do a little research for yourselves if you don't believe me. The "sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll" mindset that has dominated pop music for years is permeating the underground.

And the worst part is that everyone has a tendency to play it off as yet another instance of them "just being rockstars" or having that "rockstar mentality", both in the underground and in the limelight. So that's what it boils down to: the image that dominated the early years of rock has just been held over into the current culture. Those artists did it because it was taboo, because they were standing against something they disagreed with. I may not agree with their choices, but I can understand the rationale behind it. The problem today is that it's not a taboo thing any more. As comedian Christopher Titus says, "You don't get to claim you're not accepted when you have over a billion hits on YouTube." He may be exaggerating slightly, but his point remains: if you have that many people listening, you're not making a statement against anything any more.

So, what is my aim in all this rambling? Why am I saying this to all 7 of you who might actually read this? Because I'm pissed at the state of things and I wanted to tell someone. If even one of you listens and takes it to heart - and if you actually start examining what you listen to, what you consume - I'll feel better. Because if I can convince someone to become conscious of what's going on, it means that there's a chance - maybe only a small one, but a chance nonetheless - that hope is not yet lost.

...

Or maybe 7 was too high of an estimate and I'm only talking to myself. Hello? Anyone there?

*grumblegrumble* Damn kids and their rap music...

No Muffins Were Given Today.

Nope, no fucks in space. Q checked.

Batman ran out about when Anne
Hatheway was cast as Catwoman

Some of you, maybe the more observant of our readers, if you're out there, may have noticed that it has been... quite a while since myself, or anyone involved herein, have bothered to do, well, anything, with this monstrosity that we've created. And you may be wondering what we have to say for ourselves, us negligent, lazy bastards.  Well, we here at No Muffins For You might have said something in apology for our lack of doing anything if, and only if, we had any fucks to give.  Now, mind you, I checked, I looked high and low for a single fuck, or even leftover fucks that we had given about something else, I even asked batman to help me look, but alas, even in the "back room", we have no fucks left to give.  I asked Yoda if his wisdom could provide me with fucks to give about not writing anything, but the light side of the force seems to lack fucks and this was Vader's day off, even the... whatever the hell he is, "Q" could do naught but conjure up an empty fuckless void.   But even if we were to have some fucks left, even if we had treasure hordes of fucks that would put the ancient Pharaohs to shame; you would still receive no fucks from us, not one, rather, in days to come, when historians find our horde of ungiven fucks they will be overcome with purpose and left with no choice but to build a monument to all the fucks that we did not give that we might be an example to others in epochs to come. So, if our lack of updates bothers you, then go watch C-span, or something equally mundane and predictable.  Us, we shall stay dynamic!  Unpredictable, uncontrollable, and defiant of this 'update-schedule' you keep meaning to impose upon us.

Math and ponies agree, no fucks for you.

The dark side has cookies and fucks apparently.

Guest Muffins: Tyler!

I had Tyler put together a list of solid Devil May Cry-esque games, which are his favorite. Here's what he wrote:

Rising Zan (PS1) - Old as shit, but still worth trying if you can find a ISO for it.

Onimusha 1+2 (PS2) - The frame work for DMC1, and eventually Bayonetta.

Onimusha 3+4 (PS2) - Takes away the old tank controls, and turns the game into a far more DMC-esque survival game. Onimusha 3 has Jean Reno playing a character modeled after Jean Reno.

Devil May Cry (PS2) - Pretty much the beta for every action game for the last 10 years.

God of War (PS2) - Good action game with mediocre puzzles. Lots of quick time events, but well done combat and great narrative. Sequels optional.

God Hand (PS2) - Think Bayonetta with less mobility, no budget, no seriousness, and punishingly hard. One of the most underrated video games ever made.

Devil May Cry 2 (PS2) - Not a very good game, but still worth playing on an emulator to kill some time. Makes you appreciate the fuck out of DMC3.

Devil May Cry 3 (PS2) - The best. There is a PC port, but it's pretty bad.

Vanquish (PS3/360) - Platinum Games made an FPS. Rocket sliding and slowmo dodge shooting and all sorts of other crazy shit.

Mad World (Wii) - Bloody, stylish, amazing soundtrack. Made by Platinum also as a spiritual successor to God Hand. Combat could be better, but is still great for what it is.

No More Heroes (1+2) - Some awesome boss fights bogged down by some boring "sandbox" segments in between.

Viewtiful Joe (PS2) - Side-scrolling 2d glory.

Eternal Muffin: Sanity's Muffins

Ok, now, lets play with a hypothetical scenario here.  It's about 3am, you're playing WoW, and all of a sudden a window pops up from blizzard saying that your account is being deleted.  What do you do?  Wait, lemme guess, lemme guess.  You flip shit, yes?  If you have your way enough shit will be flipped that no septic tank within a 5 mile radius will function properly for months.  Now, lets back up a few levels from upending your neighbor's shit; after this window pops up, it goes away, and everything is perfectly fucking normal.  Wunderfuck?!?!?  Now you just don't have a fucking clue.  You are at your computer's mercy, and it's into some kinky shit.  But nothing's wrong, at least, nothing seems wrong........... mwahahaha.

And again, all the picture tells you, other than the name, is that there's a creepy dude,  some glow-y arcane shit, and....
The motherfucking moon.  Yep, that bastard's all up in this shit.

Now, why that hypothetical?  To demonstrate the gameplay of one of the best games ever made by mankind that will one day be regarded as a historical landmark: Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem.  But wait, you say, I didn't mention any gameplay, only a computer glitch which could have ended in both a figurative and literal shit-storm.  But wait, I say, that WAS gamplay-- that's right, psychological gameplay bitches!  This is a game that will fuck with you.  Now, I'm kinda sad that I said that, because, having it happen, and having no goddam clue what the hell is happening is probably one of the greatest achievements for "WTF?!?!?" ever in all of gaming.  But, even knowing, once you're immersed in the game, it won't matter one iota; you will freak the fuck out, and anyone watching will, in all likelyhood, also flip shit, assuming they don't know what the hell is happening either, in that case, they'll laugh their asses clean off afterward.

And no, you won't be giving me that skeptical look after you shit your pants once or twice.

Oh, and that's another area where the game shines: atmosphere.  Yes, this is one old game, it was originally developled for the N-64, the same console that struggled to render the original Turok, but even so, the characters and the environments are truely top-notch.  No, they're not the highest polygon count, no, they're not normal-mapped, and no, there's no HDR lighting.  But, what there is, is truely well done architechture, and environmental design, something sadly lacking in many newer games.  Now, combine that with characters that look like, well, characters, that have facial expressions and are the first example I can think of where a videogame game characters eyes that looked both believable and not real damn creepy.  Also, these characters, they're much more complex than your typical survival horror game protagonists (ie: Chris Redfield), also, they're not human semi-trucks, you spend a good bit of the game playing as a fat man and a scrawny chick who may or may not have an eating disorder.  So, no badass motherfuckers here.  And that only adds to the game.  How?  A genuine sense of vulnerability.  That and the game's propensity to dick with you.  You never really feel safe in this game, unless you play like a pussy, but that's no fun.  You CAN get through the whole game without flipping out once, and playing safely and not being truely anxious of anything the game may throw at you, but, like I said, if you're playing this game in that manner, then you're playing the wrong type of game entirely and are better off watching the cutscenes on youtube.

Note: no HDR, no bitmapping, low poly count, but still, a well crafted environment
and she looks genuinely concerned for her safety, so, no you don't need a next-gen
console to be awesome, just some insane fucking nonsense and a will to annihilate
the player's sanity.  Which, honestly, I'm ok with.

Now, onto things the game does.... less fan-fucking-tastically.  Like, the controls, they're, well, N-64 era.  That's not to say 'bad', but merely less intuitive than many newer games, but, I blame that not on the game's oldness or on poor design, but on the fact that it can't control like every other game out there because it doesn't play like every other game out there, using R-trigger to shoot and L-trigger to aim just won't work here, because, believe it or not, you're not doing the same damn shit you do in every damn FPS or in every damn platformer-- this game is unique, and it therefore takes a bit more of a learning curve to get into it.

Oh, and there are over 10 playable characters, so, when I say there are complex characters with motivations beyond "zombies ahead: kill they ass!" I meant it, and the villain is, well, very villainy.  The only real downside to the game that I can honestly mention is that, as it is an old game, it has some vestiges of, well, oldness to it in some of the gameplay, ie: do the same thing 12 times, some overly simple puzzles, and some needless backtracking.  BUT, for every instance of 'oldness', there is some shining, grade A++++ good shit here; puzzles that will puzzle your brain into the senseless void that only an overdose of logic and induce, where My Little Pony will become the height of your intellectual capabilities; fights that feel like you are fighting for your continued existence; and exploration bits that make Metroid look like a fucking 'you are here' map of your local teenager infested mall.

But, alas, some sad news..... THERE ISN'T A MOTHERFUCKING SEQUEL YET!  THOSE MOTHERFUCKING BASTARDS AT NINTENDO FUCKING PUT A FUCKING PATENT ON THE FUCKING SANITY SYSTEM AND HAVEN'T DONE A FUCKING THING WITH IT.

Seriously, if this doesn't say "creepy rape plumbing fetish" then I don't know what does.

Needless to say, my opinion of Nintendo for this oversight, while most accurately stated in ancient Greek due to subtle nuances of language and meaning, roughly translates thus; "Fuck all yall bitch ass motherfuckers; get off your Mario plumbing fetish and make a damn game"  Mind you, I said 'make' and not 'remake' which is all they've really done for about 8 years, or, about as long as it's been since Eternal Darkness.  So, yes.

In summary:
Graphics: Like a supermodel that's been mauled by a Leopard, great architecture, somewhat slashed and torn to shit face: not the pettiest, but one of the best... constructed.
Gameplay: Like getting drunk and trying to play violin (assuming you play violin sober), you will suck at first, but once you get the hang of it, it's like having a superpower.
Gamplay 2: puzzles that puzzle, exploration that needs exploring, fighting that seems like being fought, magik that makes about as muck sense as magik needs to, and sanity that will cease to be sanity.  Meaning, some of the best survival horror/psychological thriller gameplay ever made by human hands.
Story: they could have charged separately for the story, and people would have paid extra.  I mean, damn, I want a graphic novel of this shit.  If you thought Lost was good, then a.) you're dumb, and b.) this will blow your fucking mind.  Or, if you liked Revolver then a.) well done and b.) get ready to have your mind blown again.
Sanity: best part of this game, more games need to use it, but, because Nintendo is made of Money-Cunts, that won't happen, so, enjoy what's here, and once you do, appreciate what you have on a daily basis (seriously, have you had an honest fear of being eaten by the floor yet today?  If not, the game can fix that)
Controls: like trying to fly a helicopter by mind controlling a dog, but, once you get it, hey, you can fly, and you have mind control.

CONCLUSION:  Play the damn game.

See, even Mr. Poe liked this game, and that's Mr. Poe liking something that's distinctly not opium
and that says something.

MuffinZone

HERE.
This is where you will be fighting Commies.
With hover tanks.

Ok, some of you more... 'cultured'... readers out there may have heard of a game, released sometime in the mid/early 90's called Battlezone, and no, I'm not talking about the arcade game that looked like Tron and Doom drank a bottle of Black Velvet, did some LSD and then produced a child who would one day forge the one ring and have dominion over Middle Earth.  That's the wrong Battlezone.  The one I'm talking about involves fighting the Russians on the Moon with hover tanks during the cold war.  And no, that shit I'm actually not making up.

The official 1980's view of Russians courtesy
of capitalist America.
And yes, doing this on the moon would be a poor choice.

Now, to start off, this game was made in the 90's, so, it's old, but, contrary to popular belief these days, that does not mean it's shit.  It still looks presentable, the gameplay is still unparlleled in its genre, and the story is, well, it's still a story about America fighting Russia in space during the cold war over alien tech with hover tanks and mechsuits.  That alone should sell you on the game, oh, and one more thing, the word 'sell' isn't exactly appropriate here, since the game is, how do you say in America... FREE.  So, there's really no reason for you not to play this game, unless you have a crippling fear of joy, happiness, being American, or the empty void of space and decompression (in soviet russia, atmosphere decompresses you), in which case I think you may have a valid point.  But, for everyone out there who celebrates the fourth of July like a patriot and won't let a silly thing like a lack of breathable atmosphere hinder them from kicking commie ass throughout the solar system, then this, this is a game for you.

Ah, I love the smell of decompressing Russians
in the morning.

Onto the actual game.  It's a blend of a RTS and an FPS, you control your soldier or hover tank from a first person perspective, but also manage building a base, ordering other units, collecting resources and building an army, from said first-person-perspective.  That sounds a little... unwieldy.  But, in practice, it's not.  Harvesting in largely automated, and the menu system for building is quite streamilined, many modern games could stand to learn something here.  The unit commands also work well, although it is here that the FPS nature does hinder the game a bit, but, the strategies needed are not terribly complex, and with a little prep work some nifty tactics are pretty easy to accomplish.  The only main complain here is the A.I. which is, well, mid 90's A.I., which is to say Ham-Shit, no, not just 'shit', Ham-Shit, the shit that you get after eating a holiday meal with the family where your only escape from uncle bob's conspiracy theories is more ham, and that ham has nothing but malevolence for your digestion, and the shit which that ham ferments into is nothing more than pure, distilled, 150 proof evil.  That said, it doesn't break the game, it's still enjoyable, just be prepared for some frustration with pathfinding and targeting.

Anyway, I don't want to give away the story, because, well, surprising as it may be, a game about fighting 1970's era Ruskies on the moon actually has a decent plot, one worth playing though.  So, no spoilers for you.  Onto my arbitrary rating system:

Graphics: If you don't want to lower your standards you might need beer goggles this time, but hey, at least you don't need Black Velvet goggles.
Gameplay: patriotism at its best, only capitalists could mix RTS and FPS this well
Story: grade A ++, no utter fucking nonsense, no amnesia, just a giant ass government cover-up that miraculously doesn't sound like you estranged uncle who insists on wearing an aluminum foil hat at thanksgiving.
American-ism: we fucking won the cold war didn't we.
The Moon: still a bastard
A.I.: this is where you may actually want the Black Velvet goggles.

Overall Verdict:  your only valid excuse not to play this game is a crippling fear of enjoying life and being american, which is only a valid excuse if you a.) like in New Jersey or b.) are Fidel Castro.

New Jersey:
You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

UnderMuffin

So, in case you live under a rock, and have no life, and no friends, and are generally disliked by people, pets, kids, the Cherokee Indians, and Scandinavia I feel that it is my inherent duty as a fellow human being, well, maybe you're a cyborg, but in that case GTFO and go download some viruses with some tentacle hentai, but, as I was saying; human to human, comrade to comrade (or comrade to comradista), I feel that you must know about the movie series known in some parts of the world as "Underworld" exists.  And that that is a good thing.  And that if you disagree there will be octopi, and squids and sand, and you will not enjoy how they're combined.

Hey, at least these fuckers don't have teeth.
Oh.
Wait.
They have beaks.

Anyway, about these Underworld movies I mentioned before.  I'll start off with a picture.

Ok, to be fair, this tells you nothing about the movie, except that there's a hot chick, with leather and guns.
And the moon.... That Bastard.
Well, so far, it's a lot like Bayonetta, except a movie, which isn't a bad thing.

Anyway, it's a movie, and yes, that's Kate Beckinsale as the afore mentioned 'hot chick', so, it's not going to be exactly like a Bayonetta movie, Mrs. Beckinsale's a bit too classy for that (face it, Bayonetta was a game with a lot of fun, but not a lot of dignity, kinda like Ke$ha); also she's not a witch, she's a vampire.  And just to clarify, there are precisely no sparkling vampires here.  Yes, they've survived hundreds of years, and yet they've managed to stay away from the local high schools and have better things to do than stalk minors.

And by 'better things to do'
I mean, 'hunt and kill these motherfuckers'

So, as you may, or may not, have gathered, what I'm trying to tell you about is a movie series about vampires and werewolves.  Now, after that last bit about being a, and I quote myself, "cultured motherfucker", why in the fucking hell would I now bring up vampires and werewolves?  Well, simply put, they're classy bastards, and deserve your time and life essences.  These movies are not to be put into the same category as those, those other, movies about entities that sparkles and shirtless man children that get boners because of frisbees.  These movies get vampire lore and tradition at least kinda right.  Now, I say kinda, because, reading the Bram Stoker version of Dracula makes you realize that, quite literally, no movie made within the last twenty or more years has come even close to the original lore from Sir Stoker (and if he wasn't the first lore-person, well, eh, fuck it), but, for the sake of entertainment, the Underworld movies get enough right, and avoid the major fuck-ups associated with modern society's views of vampires (i.e: every other vampire movie made in the last 10 years except Van Helsing).  

Alright, I've said they're good, and distanced them from their other, unfortunate relatives as best I could with a single paragraph that didn't outright call Stephanie Meyer a giant radioactive cunt-with-limbs created by the North Korean government to one day drown the capitalist world in menstrual ooze and glitter while devouring orphans.  Well, now that I have kind of said that, let my explain why they're good.  Ok, lets start where all great things start: SCIENCE!  We're going to science the shit out of vampires, and no, this shit shalt not sparkle.  Lets start off with the first movie, where they use silver bullets and tracer rounds in guns; which makes perfect fucking sense, that's right motherfuckers, something that makes pretty damn good logical sense in a vampire movie!  Now, lets take that shit even further.  Silver bullets aren't terribly effective against werewolves, why?  Because, in its solid state, silver doesn't dissolve worth shit, and therefore doesn't enter the werewolves' bloodstream in toxic doses, meaning, remove the bullet and remove the poison, SCIENCE; so, there vampires made a bullet that carried silver nitrate, which, consequently, dissolves really fucking well in a body, and poisoned the shit out of the werewolves and killed their mutt-asses dead.  MOAR SCIENCE!  

Science will one day rule even the atoms of the atmosphere
with the iron fist of Fe+12 with a bonus to alpha radiation
and a weakness to fusion based attacks.

  Ok, enough science for now.  On to other things, like, style.  Underworld has style, Twilight.... doesn't.  In underworld, you have the feel of ancient vampires that are still angry as shit about something and werewolves that want steak (and not some goddam giant ass muffins), but in Twilight you have.... utter fucking nonsense.  Ok, I'll stop with the Twilight comparisons for a moment, but really, Underworld has style and class, it's the Audrey Fucking Hepburn of vampire movie series, where characters drive Maserati's and don't make a show of it or shove product placement down your throat.  Also, Victor sill uses a big-ass claymore to kill werewolves, which is about as classy as you can get with werewolf hunting.  And, might I add, one of the main characters in Underworld is a medical student, so, it's someone who actually has an education and intelligence in a lead role, and who's not in fucking high-school.

And now we're at the point, where, were this a normal movie review, I'd say something about the acting, or the directing, or the special effects, or some other shit.  But, lets face it, it's a movie about vampires and werewolves, and if you're watching it for grade A +++ directing or for emmy winning acting, then there is something seriously wrong with your brain that science won't even have a name for within your lifetime.  But, I will say some stuff about that shit, because, well, lets face it, despite what I just said, this movie has enough quality behind it that you don't need to feel ashamed of yourself for enjoying it.  Even the first movie had surprisingly good special effects, many of which weren't even CGI, and the werewolf transformation scenes are still some of the best I've seen.  Also, the acting throughout the series is far from terrible; that said, it's not great, but what keeps it from the classic definition of 'great' is a healthy dose of camp and the fact that the actors are portraying mythical creatures who yell a lot about bloodlines and abominations and covens, and all other such nonsense.

So, to recap, if you want a vampire/werewolf movie that was made on a budget large enough to buy a third world country, you choices are as follows:

Or this.
Whatever the fuck THIS is.
I dunno, this just looks like mother nature gave up on people
and said 'eh, fuck it' they don't need facial expressions.
And hell, why we're at it, they can behave like monkeys.
Seriously,
They love climbing trees
and throwing shit.
It's bad.

This.
A classy badass motherfucker
with guns and enough leather
to make PETA commit sepuku.

Oh, and just for the record, if you pick the expressionless shit throwing monkey people, then you're 537% more likely to die in a ditch after a hobo carjacks you, throws you in the trunk, sells you into a dog-fighting ring where you lose a leg and both arms, and then are shipped, air freight, to Cambodia where people have  fetish for wooden legs and people with no arms where you contract ebola from a hooker that's only alive because they've both a.) struck a deal with the devil, and b.) have done all of the crystal-meth, after which your insides start dissolving and you have just enough time to think back on all the horrible choices you made before your insides become your outsides and are then eaten by a flock of ravenous pandabears.

The lesson here: Watch Underworld, and don't get eaten by Pandas, they're like gingers, they're after your soul, not your liver.  So, don't watch Twilight=don't lose your soul to ravenous pandas and Ebola meth-hookers. 

Muffins of Light

And now for something completely different.

I'm going to prove that we, the motely crew here at the NoMuffinsForYou headquarters, that we, we us fine few, are cultured motherfuckers.  You read that right, no need to restart your computer, or, no, no, for fuck's sake don't unplug it to see if it stays on and that a demon is possessing your screen, this isn't para-fucking-normal shit here.  We are cultured bastards, dammit.

Ok, well, you're not convinced, I see you'll need some.... convincing.

So, here, I read a book.

And not just any book, you pretentious book-reading-bastard.  I'm talking about Lord of Light by a certain Mr. Sir. Lord Rodger Zelazny (I make no guarantee I spelled his name right, and yes, this cultured motherfucker is too lazy to check).  I'm sure all you doubters and haters out there who were, just moments ago so smug in your book reading skillz that you arduously leveled up over the years at the expense of social interaction and friends, now likely have no clue who or what I'm talking about.  Now, it's your turn to google shit.  That's right, I'm not linking to wiki for you this time you lazy bastard; you go write those letters, and shit, yo.  

...anyway....

I should probably stop trying to offend you.

Eh, fuck it, if you're reading this you're probably contributing less to society than I am, so do everyone a favor and become an organ donor.

...yeah... that might've offended some people....

Now, about this book that I've thus far only briefly mentioned.

Lord of Light is, by all estimations, one damn awesome book.  Ok, i can understand that you're skeptical at this point.  I've offered no proof after all, and that's not very scientific.  Now, let me point out that the first seven chapters can be read in any order, and the book will still make perfect fucking sense.  Let me challenge you with this, if you think that's not a show of literary shock and awe worthy of a good ole-fashioned American war; you try it, or even just name one other author that's pulled it off.  I'll give you a hint, even the great Frank Fucking Herbert didn't do that shit.  And no, Stephanie Meyer can't do that either, just, just no, no, if that was your first thought on this challenge then you need to spend your time burning money, and by 'burning money', I mean going to a shrink and spending hours upon hours of your life at $250/hr talking about yogurt and why your parents think, correctly, that you're a failure which they probably should have put up for adoption.  

Behold!
A picture, in a book review.
Now you feel right at home.
Don't let all those words and letters scare you.

So, it has clever writing, but is it good?  Well, yes, if you like things that are good, if you don't, then go read about sparkly stalker vampires that hang out in high-schools talking to minors about 10th grade level english; yes, that makes perfect fucking sense.  But it is good, and how can I show you this?  Well, consider that it's a fairly short book, just over 300 pages if I recall, and in that short span, Zelazny not only crafts an interesting tale, he not only just also creates multi-faceted characters with depth, that motherfucker also creates a whole damn world that rivals Arrakis and Middle Earth (granted, fewer pages equals less overall depth, but what needs to be there is there, and not a whole damn aplhabet for comic-con goers to learn).

Hm, what else does one say about books.... um, I'll simply state that Sir Zelazny crafts genuinely interesting characters, characters that are, thus far in my readership of sci-fi, classics, and other non-sense, truly unique; never before has one book contained so many sex changes and identity switching and still made perfect sense.  Anyway, what I would label as the real draw of the book is the world and the mythology upon which it is constructed.  It's based on Hindu mythology, and like any good American, you probably don't know jack-shit about that, except maybe that they really, really like cows, and, no, not in the same way that Scotsmen really like sheep (please, don't google that).  So, you have Hindu mythology, there's something new for your intellectually malnourished brain to digest right there.  Also, this implies reincarnation, which is a whole other load of sci-fi mindfuckery all together.

But really, I would say that it's a well crafted page turner written by someone who's likely won more awards for writing shit than everyone you'll ever meet combined will ever win for doing anything.  So, yeah, I'm not sure how else to endorse a book since there's no gameplay to critique, or nonsense plot to yell about, or graphics to insult, only damn good writing conveying characters through a story that's worth reading.

So, yeah, go read Lord of Light, or some other book.  A book that's not Twilight.

Or you'll become this guy.
And that's worse than a room with a Moose.

Muffinetta

hokay, so, there's this game, it's an old game now, and by 'old' I mean that by any other standard it'd still be young enough that you'd have to clean up its shit and feed it on a regular basis; but you're a bastard and to you its a grumpy old man sitting on his porch with a shotgun and a glass of old scotch aiming at making the front page once the school buses start their deliveries.
So, by now it's safe to assume you have NO IDEA what I'm talking about.
Here's a picture:

Ok, that probably didn't help that much, since all you know now is that there's a sexy librarian chick with a gun, and the moon.... and the moon... but that bastard's a different topic already.

ANYWAY.

What I'm trying to get to is Bayonetta, a somewhat overlooked spectacle fighter that was probably overlooked since any mother considering getting their kid a game for Christmas, or for any other reason, would probably rather give their child a private pole-dancing lesson than let them anywhere near this game.
Now, to clarify, the game is not sexually explicit, but rather.... very, very, very sexually implicit.  very.
This game is one big damn sex joke.

First clear distinction from DMC:
You're a chick with a katana.
Advantage: Bayonetta.

And that, right there, either sold you on the game, or made you stop reading this and go do something with your life; and by 'do something with your life' I mean get hit by a truck and become an organ donor, because clearly, someone else can better utilize those squishy life sponges that you're keeping all to yourself.
So, the game.  It's a spectacle fighter.  That really just means "kinda like Devil May Cry".  Now, it's kinda like Devil May Cry, except better.  Now, you can take my word for this, or read the rest of this and become convinced, or, you can take the fact that a used copy of Bayonetta is selling for roughly double what a used copy of DMC4 is selling for: empirical evidence- fuck yeah.  Anyway, it's better, empirically, which is basically the same as saying scientifically, and if science says it, you're basically fucked if you try to disagree; like people who think homeopathic medicine works.  But, reasons why it's better, why it's selling for double, and why it's worth that double monies.  Well, first off, the combat doesn't suck like it does in DMC4.  The fights in Bayonetta are hugely varied and the number of gameplay variations that the game can throw at you ensures that there are very few 'generic' fights, but that each one usually has its own 'twist' (note: Bayonetta is, thankfully, in no way associated with a certain Mr. Shayamamalamanana-- you know who i mean dammit).  Also, MOTHERFUCKING MID BOSS CHECKPOINTS.
If you have no idea why that deserves to be in caps, then this game isn't for you, you dumb cunt.
If you read that and had to forcibly restrain yourself from humping your computer screen in joy, then this game will fullfil your wildest dreams.
Also, you can fucking walk on walls.
That's right, parkour doesn't have shit on this game.
On the more technical aspects of the game, the graphics are good, even great, for the 360.  Not the best on the 360, but quite good.  Of more note on a visual perspective is the artstyle of the game; now, I'm not an artist, nor do I know all that much about art, but I can say that it's one of the more visually unique and interesting games out there.

Seriously, there are guns on her shoes,
if that doesn't convince you to play this
then I don't know what will.

The gameplay is very DMC, but with some slowmo bits, some wall/ceiling walking, some non-sense, and some other bits that just generally work better than DMC.
OH.
THE STORY.
THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

Yep, that's a giant disembodied foot.

Ok, if anyone knows what the fuck is going on here, I will fucking shit a fucking gold plated brick.  The story here makes as much sense as a M.C. Hammer children's book.  I mean, it fluxuates between serious face story, plot, characters, plot devices normal bits, and then, for no fucking reason, and with no fucking warning, fucking big band music with a brass section starts playing and everything takes an acid laced tumble-romp into crazy town.  It's like someone with highly, highly unregulated bipolar disorder and amnesia wrote some of the cutscenes, or they had ADHD and narcolepsy, I'm not sure, but, FUCK.  I can follow... most anything, even Spirited Away made reasonable sense the first time I watched it, but this, THIS, this is... this is... this is what would happen if Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Natural Born Killers had a baby, and that baby did meth, but not just any meth, ENERGY METH, then fucked mother nature until cacti were growing in Moscow.  Oh, and they want to make DAMN SURE you know that Bayonetta has amnesia, I mean, every other story bit is a mention of how she doesn't remember anything, like, seriously, not a fucking thing, nothing, not one memory, did you get it, they don't think so, they'll tell you again, and make sure you know: SHE DON'T KNOW SHIT.  I dunno, maybe it's their private joke about how she, like you, doesn't know shit about what's going on.

Oh, and there's this motherfucker
Spoiler Alert: He's angry as shit
And no, we don't know why.

So, yeah, that's Bayonetta:
Gameplay: A-fucking-plus amazing
Graphics: don't need beer-goggles good
Story: ah, fuck it
Sex Jokes: more abundant than tequila and glitter in Ke$ha's stomache
Nonsense: double negative entropy bubbles.
Art: like watching The Divine Comedy, but with tits and nonsense.

In summary: it's like playing through The Divine Comedy, if Dante Aligheri had written it after doing some acid and watching some tentacle hentai (if you don't know what that is.... there's always google), but with an extra layer of refined, weapons grade nonsense icing and with tits and sex joke sprinkles.

Or maybe it should be "ass and sex joke sprinkles"
Either way, damn good game.
Oh, and if you're or the female variety, and wondering if you'd still enjoy the game,
yes, it's still fun, and no, it still doesn't make any sense.

Christmastime Muffins

Look at this adorable little guy.
Your poor grammar and abuse of
abbreviations could end his life.
You don't want that, do you?

So, as you may or may not be aware, the Christmas season (which now starts in October?) is upon us! That's right boys and girls, this means that Santa will not be delivering anyone presents because he has been subsidized by a manufacturing company in Asia that is actually owned by an oil baron in the Caribbean. Or something like that. Maybe it's just because you all were very bad internet trolls who lack the ability to use proper grammar? You should get on that. Pay attention in English class, because, every time you use abbreviations like "totes" or "adorbz" or the abominable "LOL", a kitten is put in a burlap sack with several large bricks and tossed into an ocean. SO STOP IT, FOR THE SAKE OF THE KITTENS.

Any way, back to my original point: it's Christmas time. People have a wide variety of traditions for celebrating this beloved season, but they all seem to have the common denominator of unrestrained commercialism and material indulgence. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas. Sitting around the living room with my family after a massive breakfast and opening presents with my family is one of the best memories I take from every year. However, it is the mad rush to the stores and the sense of entitlement that people seem to have that drives me abso-FREAKING-lutely over the top. I'll be honest, my parents still ask me for a Christmas list every year, but I find it more and more difficult to come up with items to put on the list every year. This may be because my tastes have changed and I really don't feel the need to ask for every new gadget that comes out. But I think it's because I've realized that I'm simply happy to give and receive gifts and spend the day with family members, some of whom I rarely have the opportunity to see due to college, work, or the simple fact that they live so far from home.

Bet you didn't see that coming, did you? The No Muffins For You crew making you realize that we're not all heartless, soulless bastards? Yeah, that's right.

So what's my point in all of this? If you haven't gathered, I am a proponent of buying gifts for family, friends, significant others, and even hobos on the local street corner. Somewhere in the midst of all the holiday rush, we lost sight of the actual joy of seeing someone's face light up when they get a gift that you really thought through and spent hours of planning to try and find exactly what they really wanted, whether they said it or not.

This brings me to my next point about Christmastime's over-commercialization: THE GOD-AWFUL EAR-RAPE THAT SOCIETY CALLS MUSIC AND INSISTS ON INFLICTING ON EVERY HUMAN BEING. To clarify, I absolutely love the classic renditions of such songs as "Mr. Grinch", "Winter Wonderland", "Let It Snow", and many, many more courtesy of the greats like Sinatra, Crosby, and the like. It's these mind-numbingly generic, poorly orchestrated, auto-tuned, pop renditions of those classic songs that I loathe. Not just hate, mind you. LOATHE. With every fiber of my being.

This is how you celebrate Christmas:
With fireworks, lasers, and insane guitar solos.

Now, this commercialization has produced quite a few covers of classic songs that I love dearly. For example August Burns Red's covers "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" and "Carol of the Bells" are spectacular - so spectacular, in fact, that they have spawned a new term: CHRISTMOSH. And Trans Siberian Orchestra has yet to release an album that I don't love (read "Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24" is amazing). There are so many great covers out there. Plus, original tunes like MxPx's "Christmas Night of the Zombies" make the season enjoyable and lighthearted. All of these factors have led me to craft new Christmas playlists with music filled with talent that I truly enjoy.

So, what's the point of all this seemingly random rambling? My point is this: Christmas is a wonderful time of year filled with memories and fellowship that really has no equal. Don't forget it. Don't lose yourself in the rush to buy the newest iPhone (or whatever you youngins are after these days, I can't keep track). Take a moment to reflect on what makes this time of year valuable to you.

Merry Christmas from the curmudgeonly, grumpy, yet mildly amusing folks at No Muffins For You.

Ninety Nine Percent Muffins

Sup bitches, now onto economics and politics.
Why?  You ask.  Because surely I would not stoop into that cesspool of biased propaganda based filth that is the political system.  Well, the answer is that I just got this sweet pair of waders off amazon and I want to see if they're radioactive-ebola proof; and the only place to find mental radioactive-ebola is politics, specifically, American politics, just to clarify which serotype of ebola we're working with here.

I noticed this post was lacking in pictures, so, here's
a picture of a duck.

So, first off, I'm not going to identify myself with any party.  Why?  Because they're tossers- All of them.  Drawing lines between groups is a.) one of the best historical ways to incite genocide (don't believe me, look up Rwanda, and read about how fucked up that shit was) and b.) it's the best way to STAY ELECTED or to GET ELECTED.  Because, lets face it, having to vote on people based off of what they think and say and having to have intelligent discussion of ideas and actual debates of topics that don't fit into the five minutes between commercials is just not something that politicians want to do, and it's not something the average American citizen is mentally equipped to do.  Also, a lot of politicians would get thrown out on their asses real quick if they actually had to explain the reasoning behind their 'stances' (not all mind you, Ron Paul in particular has proven himself adept at explaining WHY he thinks the way he does, but many others would end up looking pants-on-head-retarded for even trying, also, I'm not a libertarian, just fyi).  And more to the point with parties, it's easy to stay elected when all you have to do is convince people that you're not affiliated with Party "X" when they want to ruin everything and that even if you're a complete incompetent idiot you're better than allowing them to get power.  Same goes for getting elected, you don't need to argue views and points, you argue that the person from party "Y" has fucked up enough that they shouldn't be allowed to stay; and that doesn't mean that you have any solutions to the problems, or that you'll fuck up less, just that you're not with party "Y".  Basically, it comes down to the same mindset of Eagles or Cowboys?  And yes, that IS what's running our country, political sports teams with as much talent as your below-average soviet era Russian made toaster.

ANNNNNNNND
a picture of a squirrel
thinkin you're dumb
and that you have a terrible resume
and will be fired from 5 different Arbys.

So, we draw lines, so that we can point to the other side and say "AH-HA!!", or "FUCK YOU!!" or "NOT OUR FAULT!!" or "THAT REF IS A BLIND CUNT!!!".  And you know what that does?  Incites the blame game (fyi, it's always the ref's fault, except in rugby).  It makes it so that more emphasis is focused on who's to blame for a problem than on fixing the problem.  Dependency on foreign oil?  Blamed on Bush, but before then blamed on Clinton, and before him blamed on the other Bush, and so on and so forth back to the bitch-flipping SEVENTIES.  And you know what?  All of the presidents who addressed this problem did more to point out that they didn't start the problem than they did to fix it.  The main thing they all did was set deadlines for future presidents to fail to meet while blaming the policies of their fore-runner of the other party.  That's not to say no progress has been made, but that for all the effort of blaming parties and people for oil dependecy and prices, very little has been done to fix the problem.

And, what's that?  You want to know WHY???

This chipmunk hates you
it's pretending to eat your pancreas.
So that you'll have diabetes
And begin to turn into Wilfred Brimley
Then Sir. Brimley will come for you
And behead you, and yell:
"THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!"

Because doing something about a big problem other than blaming someone else requires drastic action, action that will, in all likelihood, take your chances of, you guessed it, RE-ELECTION, and shoot them down the shitter like all the tequila and glitter Ke$ha's been vomiting up over the years.  Now, I'm not saying I agree with what current Mr. President has done, but I give him props for doing something about healthcare.  I'm not saying it was the best thing, but, point being, he did something, even if it did take his re-election odds out back and throw them under a bus that looks conspicuously like the constitution.

AND THAT BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT!

Exploiting the American people.  Now, I referenced a constitution wrapped bus, and exploiting the American people, so, I can only be referring to one of two people and no, it's not Ke$ha, but between her and Sarah Palin, who I am referencing, I'd wager that Ke$ha's the more intelligent.  So, here's my problem with the whole bus that looks like the constitution thing: Palin used it to tour the country, to gain supporters, and to gain funds.  Funds for what you ask?  Well, while she always claimed she was undecided to run for Presidency, that was what the funds were heavily implied to be for, that with enough funding she'd run.  Well.......

This chinchilla wishes it was a pokemon
so it could get into animal fighting
and be a pro.
currently, it has a deskjob in chicago.
it's very very sad.

She never had any intention of running for the Presidency, she'd told her family that months before, and he daughter had told the press as much, also, months before she announced officially that she wouldn't be running.  So, why try to keep gaining funds for a presidential campaign that would never happen?  Because there is abso-fucking-lutely no oversight on how she spends campaign contributions.  Something Stephen Colbert has pointed out with his Super-Pac.  But, let me reiterate, Palin took funds from supporters under the guise of maybe running for Presidency, if support and funding where both there, AFTER having her daughter announce on the news that she told her family months before that she would NOT BE RUNNING.  Granted, it's not unheard of for women to change their minds, but still, the fact that she'd already been sued in the past for embezzlement should have tipped some people off.  Now, this isn't to say that I'm anti-republican, but that Sarah Palin specifically is an idiot, a fraud, and representative of who we're electing for office anywhere.

This is what Cher used to look like
before....
before....
it happened.

Now that I've tackled the elected officials, lets go on to their constituents.  Lets start off with this "99%" that I keep hearing about.  And, more importantly, lets look at WHY they're the 99%.  First off, while they're angry they're not the top earners in America, they're also angry at "corporate greed".  Which is what's making the CEO's of companies rich while the ratio of their earnings to their employee's earnings keeps going in their favor.  Now, I can see why people don't like this.  But, can you honestly say they don't deserve it?  I mean, do you see any of the angry people starting their own highly successful companies to make that kind of money? No.  And if you want to fix that problem, I hate to tell you, but the government isn't the place to try to fix it.  Government cannot fix greed.  It's a human problem.  What government can do is tax, and the power to tax is the power to destroy.  But, you know what'll happen if the government keeps taxing top executives?  They'll keep paying themselves more money.  Simple as that.  And if government does anything too drastic, guess what?  They'll go overseas and scream "FUCK YOU" from across the pacific.  Also, lemme point out that 99% of the 99% would do the same damn thing in their shoes.  And if you want to complain about stagnant middle class wages and lower end wages, well, ask this question: why should they be paid more for a job they're already doing for less?  This is simple business.  If you want more money for a job someone else will do for less, then guess what, the other person will be doing the job, assuming they have at least comparable competency.  The problem here lies in supply and demand.  There is a huge supply of labor, and a low demand, meaning that companies will continually hire the lowest bidder to do any job, meaning that you, the 99%, are the reason they're not paying you more-- it's because you're willing to work.  Now, we came up with a 'solution' to this problem decades ago, they were unions.  But, unions have their own sets of pro's and con's that I don't feel like getting into.  But fact of the matter is that CEO's are in very low supply, and companies place a very high demand on the best they can get, so they get pain an ass-load of money.  THIS IS BASIC BUSINESS.  And government can't fix it, so stop yelling at the government to tax them more and let them keep their earnings, they didn't get there by being incompetent.  And if they're taxed less, maybe, and by maybe I mean this is a mathematical certainty, they'll be able to be paid less to live the same lifestyle, meaning more money goes into the company, and into the products and employees of that company.  Also, if you really want  to complain about a CEO and tell a company ANYTING: stop buying their product.  Until you do that, they don't give half a flying fuck about what you think.  And using reason, logic and a sense of 'fairness' to do so won't work; claiming the company supports satanism might though.

Ok, I started writing this a while ago, and I forgot where I was, and I don't feel like going back and reading my shit to see where I was going, so, that's all you get.

Fuck-off Llama says:
"Fuck Off-
Bitch"