UnderMuffin

So, in case you live under a rock, and have no life, and no friends, and are generally disliked by people, pets, kids, the Cherokee Indians, and Scandinavia I feel that it is my inherent duty as a fellow human being, well, maybe you're a cyborg, but in that case GTFO and go download some viruses with some tentacle hentai, but, as I was saying; human to human, comrade to comrade (or comrade to comradista), I feel that you must know about the movie series known in some parts of the world as "Underworld" exists.  And that that is a good thing.  And that if you disagree there will be octopi, and squids and sand, and you will not enjoy how they're combined.

Hey, at least these fuckers don't have teeth.
Oh.
Wait.
They have beaks.

Anyway, about these Underworld movies I mentioned before.  I'll start off with a picture.

Ok, to be fair, this tells you nothing about the movie, except that there's a hot chick, with leather and guns.
And the moon.... That Bastard.
Well, so far, it's a lot like Bayonetta, except a movie, which isn't a bad thing.

Anyway, it's a movie, and yes, that's Kate Beckinsale as the afore mentioned 'hot chick', so, it's not going to be exactly like a Bayonetta movie, Mrs. Beckinsale's a bit too classy for that (face it, Bayonetta was a game with a lot of fun, but not a lot of dignity, kinda like Ke$ha); also she's not a witch, she's a vampire.  And just to clarify, there are precisely no sparkling vampires here.  Yes, they've survived hundreds of years, and yet they've managed to stay away from the local high schools and have better things to do than stalk minors.

And by 'better things to do'
I mean, 'hunt and kill these motherfuckers'

So, as you may, or may not, have gathered, what I'm trying to tell you about is a movie series about vampires and werewolves.  Now, after that last bit about being a, and I quote myself, "cultured motherfucker", why in the fucking hell would I now bring up vampires and werewolves?  Well, simply put, they're classy bastards, and deserve your time and life essences.  These movies are not to be put into the same category as those, those other, movies about entities that sparkles and shirtless man children that get boners because of frisbees.  These movies get vampire lore and tradition at least kinda right.  Now, I say kinda, because, reading the Bram Stoker version of Dracula makes you realize that, quite literally, no movie made within the last twenty or more years has come even close to the original lore from Sir Stoker (and if he wasn't the first lore-person, well, eh, fuck it), but, for the sake of entertainment, the Underworld movies get enough right, and avoid the major fuck-ups associated with modern society's views of vampires (i.e: every other vampire movie made in the last 10 years except Van Helsing).  

Alright, I've said they're good, and distanced them from their other, unfortunate relatives as best I could with a single paragraph that didn't outright call Stephanie Meyer a giant radioactive cunt-with-limbs created by the North Korean government to one day drown the capitalist world in menstrual ooze and glitter while devouring orphans.  Well, now that I have kind of said that, let my explain why they're good.  Ok, lets start where all great things start: SCIENCE!  We're going to science the shit out of vampires, and no, this shit shalt not sparkle.  Lets start off with the first movie, where they use silver bullets and tracer rounds in guns; which makes perfect fucking sense, that's right motherfuckers, something that makes pretty damn good logical sense in a vampire movie!  Now, lets take that shit even further.  Silver bullets aren't terribly effective against werewolves, why?  Because, in its solid state, silver doesn't dissolve worth shit, and therefore doesn't enter the werewolves' bloodstream in toxic doses, meaning, remove the bullet and remove the poison, SCIENCE; so, there vampires made a bullet that carried silver nitrate, which, consequently, dissolves really fucking well in a body, and poisoned the shit out of the werewolves and killed their mutt-asses dead.  MOAR SCIENCE!  

Science will one day rule even the atoms of the atmosphere
with the iron fist of Fe+12 with a bonus to alpha radiation
and a weakness to fusion based attacks.

  Ok, enough science for now.  On to other things, like, style.  Underworld has style, Twilight.... doesn't.  In underworld, you have the feel of ancient vampires that are still angry as shit about something and werewolves that want steak (and not some goddam giant ass muffins), but in Twilight you have.... utter fucking nonsense.  Ok, I'll stop with the Twilight comparisons for a moment, but really, Underworld has style and class, it's the Audrey Fucking Hepburn of vampire movie series, where characters drive Maserati's and don't make a show of it or shove product placement down your throat.  Also, Victor sill uses a big-ass claymore to kill werewolves, which is about as classy as you can get with werewolf hunting.  And, might I add, one of the main characters in Underworld is a medical student, so, it's someone who actually has an education and intelligence in a lead role, and who's not in fucking high-school.

And now we're at the point, where, were this a normal movie review, I'd say something about the acting, or the directing, or the special effects, or some other shit.  But, lets face it, it's a movie about vampires and werewolves, and if you're watching it for grade A +++ directing or for emmy winning acting, then there is something seriously wrong with your brain that science won't even have a name for within your lifetime.  But, I will say some stuff about that shit, because, well, lets face it, despite what I just said, this movie has enough quality behind it that you don't need to feel ashamed of yourself for enjoying it.  Even the first movie had surprisingly good special effects, many of which weren't even CGI, and the werewolf transformation scenes are still some of the best I've seen.  Also, the acting throughout the series is far from terrible; that said, it's not great, but what keeps it from the classic definition of 'great' is a healthy dose of camp and the fact that the actors are portraying mythical creatures who yell a lot about bloodlines and abominations and covens, and all other such nonsense.

So, to recap, if you want a vampire/werewolf movie that was made on a budget large enough to buy a third world country, you choices are as follows:

Or this.
Whatever the fuck THIS is.
I dunno, this just looks like mother nature gave up on people
and said 'eh, fuck it' they don't need facial expressions.
And hell, why we're at it, they can behave like monkeys.
Seriously,
They love climbing trees
and throwing shit.
It's bad.

This.
A classy badass motherfucker
with guns and enough leather
to make PETA commit sepuku.

Oh, and just for the record, if you pick the expressionless shit throwing monkey people, then you're 537% more likely to die in a ditch after a hobo carjacks you, throws you in the trunk, sells you into a dog-fighting ring where you lose a leg and both arms, and then are shipped, air freight, to Cambodia where people have  fetish for wooden legs and people with no arms where you contract ebola from a hooker that's only alive because they've both a.) struck a deal with the devil, and b.) have done all of the crystal-meth, after which your insides start dissolving and you have just enough time to think back on all the horrible choices you made before your insides become your outsides and are then eaten by a flock of ravenous pandabears.

The lesson here: Watch Underworld, and don't get eaten by Pandas, they're like gingers, they're after your soul, not your liver.  So, don't watch Twilight=don't lose your soul to ravenous pandas and Ebola meth-hookers.