Muffinetta

hokay, so, there's this game, it's an old game now, and by 'old' I mean that by any other standard it'd still be young enough that you'd have to clean up its shit and feed it on a regular basis; but you're a bastard and to you its a grumpy old man sitting on his porch with a shotgun and a glass of old scotch aiming at making the front page once the school buses start their deliveries.
So, by now it's safe to assume you have NO IDEA what I'm talking about.
Here's a picture:

Ok, that probably didn't help that much, since all you know now is that there's a sexy librarian chick with a gun, and the moon.... and the moon... but that bastard's a different topic already.

ANYWAY.

What I'm trying to get to is Bayonetta, a somewhat overlooked spectacle fighter that was probably overlooked since any mother considering getting their kid a game for Christmas, or for any other reason, would probably rather give their child a private pole-dancing lesson than let them anywhere near this game.
Now, to clarify, the game is not sexually explicit, but rather.... very, very, very sexually implicit.  very.
This game is one big damn sex joke.

First clear distinction from DMC:
You're a chick with a katana.
Advantage: Bayonetta.

And that, right there, either sold you on the game, or made you stop reading this and go do something with your life; and by 'do something with your life' I mean get hit by a truck and become an organ donor, because clearly, someone else can better utilize those squishy life sponges that you're keeping all to yourself.
So, the game.  It's a spectacle fighter.  That really just means "kinda like Devil May Cry".  Now, it's kinda like Devil May Cry, except better.  Now, you can take my word for this, or read the rest of this and become convinced, or, you can take the fact that a used copy of Bayonetta is selling for roughly double what a used copy of DMC4 is selling for: empirical evidence- fuck yeah.  Anyway, it's better, empirically, which is basically the same as saying scientifically, and if science says it, you're basically fucked if you try to disagree; like people who think homeopathic medicine works.  But, reasons why it's better, why it's selling for double, and why it's worth that double monies.  Well, first off, the combat doesn't suck like it does in DMC4.  The fights in Bayonetta are hugely varied and the number of gameplay variations that the game can throw at you ensures that there are very few 'generic' fights, but that each one usually has its own 'twist' (note: Bayonetta is, thankfully, in no way associated with a certain Mr. Shayamamalamanana-- you know who i mean dammit).  Also, MOTHERFUCKING MID BOSS CHECKPOINTS.
If you have no idea why that deserves to be in caps, then this game isn't for you, you dumb cunt.
If you read that and had to forcibly restrain yourself from humping your computer screen in joy, then this game will fullfil your wildest dreams.
Also, you can fucking walk on walls.
That's right, parkour doesn't have shit on this game.
On the more technical aspects of the game, the graphics are good, even great, for the 360.  Not the best on the 360, but quite good.  Of more note on a visual perspective is the artstyle of the game; now, I'm not an artist, nor do I know all that much about art, but I can say that it's one of the more visually unique and interesting games out there.

Seriously, there are guns on her shoes,
if that doesn't convince you to play this
then I don't know what will.

The gameplay is very DMC, but with some slowmo bits, some wall/ceiling walking, some non-sense, and some other bits that just generally work better than DMC.
OH.
THE STORY.
THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

Yep, that's a giant disembodied foot.

Ok, if anyone knows what the fuck is going on here, I will fucking shit a fucking gold plated brick.  The story here makes as much sense as a M.C. Hammer children's book.  I mean, it fluxuates between serious face story, plot, characters, plot devices normal bits, and then, for no fucking reason, and with no fucking warning, fucking big band music with a brass section starts playing and everything takes an acid laced tumble-romp into crazy town.  It's like someone with highly, highly unregulated bipolar disorder and amnesia wrote some of the cutscenes, or they had ADHD and narcolepsy, I'm not sure, but, FUCK.  I can follow... most anything, even Spirited Away made reasonable sense the first time I watched it, but this, THIS, this is... this is... this is what would happen if Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Natural Born Killers had a baby, and that baby did meth, but not just any meth, ENERGY METH, then fucked mother nature until cacti were growing in Moscow.  Oh, and they want to make DAMN SURE you know that Bayonetta has amnesia, I mean, every other story bit is a mention of how she doesn't remember anything, like, seriously, not a fucking thing, nothing, not one memory, did you get it, they don't think so, they'll tell you again, and make sure you know: SHE DON'T KNOW SHIT.  I dunno, maybe it's their private joke about how she, like you, doesn't know shit about what's going on.

Oh, and there's this motherfucker
Spoiler Alert: He's angry as shit
And no, we don't know why.

So, yeah, that's Bayonetta:
Gameplay: A-fucking-plus amazing
Graphics: don't need beer-goggles good
Story: ah, fuck it
Sex Jokes: more abundant than tequila and glitter in Ke$ha's stomache
Nonsense: double negative entropy bubbles.
Art: like watching The Divine Comedy, but with tits and nonsense.

In summary: it's like playing through The Divine Comedy, if Dante Aligheri had written it after doing some acid and watching some tentacle hentai (if you don't know what that is.... there's always google), but with an extra layer of refined, weapons grade nonsense icing and with tits and sex joke sprinkles.

Or maybe it should be "ass and sex joke sprinkles"
Either way, damn good game.
Oh, and if you're or the female variety, and wondering if you'd still enjoy the game,
yes, it's still fun, and no, it still doesn't make any sense.

Battlefield Muffins

To Preface: I blame those damn Egyptians.

Also, this is what a google search for "Egyptians" returns.
So, congratulations Egyptians, you are officially the first culture
 on Earth to DOODLE yourselves into fucking anonymity and irrelivancy.  

Now, if you happen to be Egyptian, you may have some.... thoughts... going through your mind now, thoughts which you don't understand and aren't comfortable with expressing; no worries mate, I'm not going to try to help you understand your kinky, batshit insane thoughts about catholic school girls and grand pianos.  BUT.  What I will do is explain to you why you should formally apologize before the U.N. and how that connects to those other thoughts which can likely be summarized as "What the FUCK you dumb American internet USB powered CUNT!".

First off, what you did:
Battlefield Earth. (a saga of the year 3000)

And no, I don't really give a fuck that there's no evidence, or even anything that resembles something evidence might have eaten for breakfast, linking you or your peoples to this movie.  Simply put, this movie needs someone to blame, this movie is like the Holocaust in that it needs its Nazi's to make a damn bit of sense, and unfortunately (if you're Egyptian at least) I choose Egyptians to be the Nazi's of 3000 A.D.
Ok, now if you're reading this and have no idea why I think someone needs to be blamed for this movie and made to apologize to the U.N. then you have clearly never seen the movie.  And for that.... all I have to say is... that.... YOU ARE REAL DAMN LUCKY.
I mean, really, WHAT THE FUCK JOHN TRAVOLTA?!?!?!

I don't even know where to start here....
I mean... FUCK.
THEY PLUGGED HIS NOSE INTO HIS FUCKING BRAIN.
What the hell did they expect to happen?

CARS!!  You know, THESE THINGS
That are made of METAL.
The aliens missed them.
How?
Because they're motherfucking idiots.

AND THESE!
They missed these...
Didn't notice that they're
made of metal.
Ya know, the whole
damn reason they
came to our planet?

What I COULD do is tear the movie apart based on its technical.... missteps, such as how half the damn movie looks like it was filmed though blue kool-aid (Because of Egyptians).  But instead what I WILL do is examine the movie based on its, um, "logic".  What the "aliens" came to Earth, in the year Three Fucking Thousand, for is our metals, gold specifically, but they want metal.  And, while goodle image search is failing me, because, well, why would people waste their time loading images from this movie onto the internet, I assure you, there are many-much-mooses worth of scenes in the movie where they're walking through a destroyed city... past cars... cars made of METAL... and buildings... also made largely of METAL.  Also, it might help the alien's cause if they didn't make their fucking post-it notes out of metal.   But hey, they're being lead by giant, overweight, Rastafarian John Travolta with his nose connected to his frontal cortex.  So, really, lets not set our expectations too high here, so we'll pretend we're dealing with Penn-Dot, or Egyptians.  

But... lets not get ahead of ourselves here.  Lets consider the the part where the aliens entire civilization revolves around profits, and that is what drove them here, profits.  Now I realize that money does in fact make the world go round; how else would curve-linear rotation pay for it's equation space in textbooks?  But really?  PROFITS.  They're aliens that wiped out our civilization for... their economy?  DO I, AS THE VIEWER, GIVE HALF OF A RAT'S FLYING FUCK ABOUT ALIEN ECONOMICS?!?!?!?

The answer is no, no fucks are given on that subject.

And yes, the proper response to this pants-on-head retarded premise is to blame the Egyptians.

So now we have aliens that we, as viewers, give 0.00 fucks about, in fact, after the whole cars thing, they might owe us fucks, but I don't work on a street-corner so I don't really know how that works or what the alien:human fuck exchange rate is.  But, from a movie standpoint, never-mind logic at this point, logic became so depressed from being abused and neglected during the making of this movie that he went and crawled inside a breadmaker with a poptart for his final meal (no, it doesn't make sense to me either, but well, logic killed itself, how the fuck do you expect that to make any damn sense?  Oh, wait, you did?  Then you should blame the damn Egyptians).  Ok, back to what I was saying before that bit about logic's depression; profit driven aliens might be the lamest idea ever used to forward a sci-fi action movie since... well... since the idea of John Travolta staring in a sci-fi action movie (again, I blame the fact that this happened on the Egyptians).  And this might not have been such a huge misstep if not for the fact that this movie came out after INDEPENDENCE DAY: the single most patriotic movie about kicking alien ass ever made by mankind.  And it is because of this that B.E. has no excuse, it knew it needed evil aliens, and not just kick-a-puppy evil, I mean a cross of Freddy Kruger and Megatron whose very hair is filamentous hatred; but what it gave us was profit aliens, aliens that are about as evil as Martha-Fucking-Stewart.  I don't think I can even blame the Egyptians on this one.      

This, this is not evil.
This will fuck you up, but just because it can make you need
more years of therapy than reading Twilight doesn't
necessarily make it evil.
Ok, I might have put myself in a difficult position with that statement.
So.......
HERE!

THIS.
THIS HERE.
The second Google Image search result for "evil"
THIS would have been a better villain than profit-aliens.
I mean, really, space-clowns from Soviet Russia
I just scared you shitless making you think about having those as villains.
Because in Soviet Russia clowns space you. 

Ok, I really don't want to end this post with clowns, or space clowns, or even a non-sense soviet russia joke, because, well, fuck clowns, I blame the Serbians for clowns (and no, not Egyptians, they don't have anywhere near the level of batshit insane murder rage to be responsible for clowns).  So HERE:

This is what victory should look like.  A Jew and a black man nuking an entire
alien civilization into component atoms because they fucked with America's
4th of July cookouts.
Oh, and because the aliens took all our rum.  Well, maybe they didn't take it, but they
did burn a lot of it, and that does mean we don't have it anymore.
And well, lets face it, it doesn't matter if you DID come from a few trillion light years away
and have several dozen Cher-lifetimes worth of technology on us and that you DID also manage
to wipe out most of our military while we were having our morning coffee:
If you fuck with Americans burgers and rum, we will fuck you up.
With Mac OS6, nukes, and drunken epiphanys if necessary.
Otherwise, baseball bats and pipe wrenches work fine.