Eternal Muffin: Sanity's Muffins

Ok, now, lets play with a hypothetical scenario here.  It's about 3am, you're playing WoW, and all of a sudden a window pops up from blizzard saying that your account is being deleted.  What do you do?  Wait, lemme guess, lemme guess.  You flip shit, yes?  If you have your way enough shit will be flipped that no septic tank within a 5 mile radius will function properly for months.  Now, lets back up a few levels from upending your neighbor's shit; after this window pops up, it goes away, and everything is perfectly fucking normal.  Wunderfuck?!?!?  Now you just don't have a fucking clue.  You are at your computer's mercy, and it's into some kinky shit.  But nothing's wrong, at least, nothing seems wrong........... mwahahaha.

And again, all the picture tells you, other than the name, is that there's a creepy dude,  some glow-y arcane shit, and....
The motherfucking moon.  Yep, that bastard's all up in this shit.

Now, why that hypothetical?  To demonstrate the gameplay of one of the best games ever made by mankind that will one day be regarded as a historical landmark: Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem.  But wait, you say, I didn't mention any gameplay, only a computer glitch which could have ended in both a figurative and literal shit-storm.  But wait, I say, that WAS gamplay-- that's right, psychological gameplay bitches!  This is a game that will fuck with you.  Now, I'm kinda sad that I said that, because, having it happen, and having no goddam clue what the hell is happening is probably one of the greatest achievements for "WTF?!?!?" ever in all of gaming.  But, even knowing, once you're immersed in the game, it won't matter one iota; you will freak the fuck out, and anyone watching will, in all likelyhood, also flip shit, assuming they don't know what the hell is happening either, in that case, they'll laugh their asses clean off afterward.

And no, you won't be giving me that skeptical look after you shit your pants once or twice.

Oh, and that's another area where the game shines: atmosphere.  Yes, this is one old game, it was originally developled for the N-64, the same console that struggled to render the original Turok, but even so, the characters and the environments are truely top-notch.  No, they're not the highest polygon count, no, they're not normal-mapped, and no, there's no HDR lighting.  But, what there is, is truely well done architechture, and environmental design, something sadly lacking in many newer games.  Now, combine that with characters that look like, well, characters, that have facial expressions and are the first example I can think of where a videogame game characters eyes that looked both believable and not real damn creepy.  Also, these characters, they're much more complex than your typical survival horror game protagonists (ie: Chris Redfield), also, they're not human semi-trucks, you spend a good bit of the game playing as a fat man and a scrawny chick who may or may not have an eating disorder.  So, no badass motherfuckers here.  And that only adds to the game.  How?  A genuine sense of vulnerability.  That and the game's propensity to dick with you.  You never really feel safe in this game, unless you play like a pussy, but that's no fun.  You CAN get through the whole game without flipping out once, and playing safely and not being truely anxious of anything the game may throw at you, but, like I said, if you're playing this game in that manner, then you're playing the wrong type of game entirely and are better off watching the cutscenes on youtube.

Note: no HDR, no bitmapping, low poly count, but still, a well crafted environment
and she looks genuinely concerned for her safety, so, no you don't need a next-gen
console to be awesome, just some insane fucking nonsense and a will to annihilate
the player's sanity.  Which, honestly, I'm ok with.

Now, onto things the game does.... less fan-fucking-tastically.  Like, the controls, they're, well, N-64 era.  That's not to say 'bad', but merely less intuitive than many newer games, but, I blame that not on the game's oldness or on poor design, but on the fact that it can't control like every other game out there because it doesn't play like every other game out there, using R-trigger to shoot and L-trigger to aim just won't work here, because, believe it or not, you're not doing the same damn shit you do in every damn FPS or in every damn platformer-- this game is unique, and it therefore takes a bit more of a learning curve to get into it.

Oh, and there are over 10 playable characters, so, when I say there are complex characters with motivations beyond "zombies ahead: kill they ass!" I meant it, and the villain is, well, very villainy.  The only real downside to the game that I can honestly mention is that, as it is an old game, it has some vestiges of, well, oldness to it in some of the gameplay, ie: do the same thing 12 times, some overly simple puzzles, and some needless backtracking.  BUT, for every instance of 'oldness', there is some shining, grade A++++ good shit here; puzzles that will puzzle your brain into the senseless void that only an overdose of logic and induce, where My Little Pony will become the height of your intellectual capabilities; fights that feel like you are fighting for your continued existence; and exploration bits that make Metroid look like a fucking 'you are here' map of your local teenager infested mall.

But, alas, some sad news..... THERE ISN'T A MOTHERFUCKING SEQUEL YET!  THOSE MOTHERFUCKING BASTARDS AT NINTENDO FUCKING PUT A FUCKING PATENT ON THE FUCKING SANITY SYSTEM AND HAVEN'T DONE A FUCKING THING WITH IT.

Seriously, if this doesn't say "creepy rape plumbing fetish" then I don't know what does.

Needless to say, my opinion of Nintendo for this oversight, while most accurately stated in ancient Greek due to subtle nuances of language and meaning, roughly translates thus; "Fuck all yall bitch ass motherfuckers; get off your Mario plumbing fetish and make a damn game"  Mind you, I said 'make' and not 'remake' which is all they've really done for about 8 years, or, about as long as it's been since Eternal Darkness.  So, yes.

In summary:
Graphics: Like a supermodel that's been mauled by a Leopard, great architecture, somewhat slashed and torn to shit face: not the pettiest, but one of the best... constructed.
Gameplay: Like getting drunk and trying to play violin (assuming you play violin sober), you will suck at first, but once you get the hang of it, it's like having a superpower.
Gamplay 2: puzzles that puzzle, exploration that needs exploring, fighting that seems like being fought, magik that makes about as muck sense as magik needs to, and sanity that will cease to be sanity.  Meaning, some of the best survival horror/psychological thriller gameplay ever made by human hands.
Story: they could have charged separately for the story, and people would have paid extra.  I mean, damn, I want a graphic novel of this shit.  If you thought Lost was good, then a.) you're dumb, and b.) this will blow your fucking mind.  Or, if you liked Revolver then a.) well done and b.) get ready to have your mind blown again.
Sanity: best part of this game, more games need to use it, but, because Nintendo is made of Money-Cunts, that won't happen, so, enjoy what's here, and once you do, appreciate what you have on a daily basis (seriously, have you had an honest fear of being eaten by the floor yet today?  If not, the game can fix that)
Controls: like trying to fly a helicopter by mind controlling a dog, but, once you get it, hey, you can fly, and you have mind control.

CONCLUSION:  Play the damn game.

See, even Mr. Poe liked this game, and that's Mr. Poe liking something that's distinctly not opium
and that says something.