Muffinetta

hokay, so, there's this game, it's an old game now, and by 'old' I mean that by any other standard it'd still be young enough that you'd have to clean up its shit and feed it on a regular basis; but you're a bastard and to you its a grumpy old man sitting on his porch with a shotgun and a glass of old scotch aiming at making the front page once the school buses start their deliveries.
So, by now it's safe to assume you have NO IDEA what I'm talking about.
Here's a picture:

Ok, that probably didn't help that much, since all you know now is that there's a sexy librarian chick with a gun, and the moon.... and the moon... but that bastard's a different topic already.

ANYWAY.

What I'm trying to get to is Bayonetta, a somewhat overlooked spectacle fighter that was probably overlooked since any mother considering getting their kid a game for Christmas, or for any other reason, would probably rather give their child a private pole-dancing lesson than let them anywhere near this game.
Now, to clarify, the game is not sexually explicit, but rather.... very, very, very sexually implicit.  very.
This game is one big damn sex joke.

First clear distinction from DMC:
You're a chick with a katana.
Advantage: Bayonetta.

And that, right there, either sold you on the game, or made you stop reading this and go do something with your life; and by 'do something with your life' I mean get hit by a truck and become an organ donor, because clearly, someone else can better utilize those squishy life sponges that you're keeping all to yourself.
So, the game.  It's a spectacle fighter.  That really just means "kinda like Devil May Cry".  Now, it's kinda like Devil May Cry, except better.  Now, you can take my word for this, or read the rest of this and become convinced, or, you can take the fact that a used copy of Bayonetta is selling for roughly double what a used copy of DMC4 is selling for: empirical evidence- fuck yeah.  Anyway, it's better, empirically, which is basically the same as saying scientifically, and if science says it, you're basically fucked if you try to disagree; like people who think homeopathic medicine works.  But, reasons why it's better, why it's selling for double, and why it's worth that double monies.  Well, first off, the combat doesn't suck like it does in DMC4.  The fights in Bayonetta are hugely varied and the number of gameplay variations that the game can throw at you ensures that there are very few 'generic' fights, but that each one usually has its own 'twist' (note: Bayonetta is, thankfully, in no way associated with a certain Mr. Shayamamalamanana-- you know who i mean dammit).  Also, MOTHERFUCKING MID BOSS CHECKPOINTS.
If you have no idea why that deserves to be in caps, then this game isn't for you, you dumb cunt.
If you read that and had to forcibly restrain yourself from humping your computer screen in joy, then this game will fullfil your wildest dreams.
Also, you can fucking walk on walls.
That's right, parkour doesn't have shit on this game.
On the more technical aspects of the game, the graphics are good, even great, for the 360.  Not the best on the 360, but quite good.  Of more note on a visual perspective is the artstyle of the game; now, I'm not an artist, nor do I know all that much about art, but I can say that it's one of the more visually unique and interesting games out there.

Seriously, there are guns on her shoes,
if that doesn't convince you to play this
then I don't know what will.

The gameplay is very DMC, but with some slowmo bits, some wall/ceiling walking, some non-sense, and some other bits that just generally work better than DMC.
OH.
THE STORY.
THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

Yep, that's a giant disembodied foot.

Ok, if anyone knows what the fuck is going on here, I will fucking shit a fucking gold plated brick.  The story here makes as much sense as a M.C. Hammer children's book.  I mean, it fluxuates between serious face story, plot, characters, plot devices normal bits, and then, for no fucking reason, and with no fucking warning, fucking big band music with a brass section starts playing and everything takes an acid laced tumble-romp into crazy town.  It's like someone with highly, highly unregulated bipolar disorder and amnesia wrote some of the cutscenes, or they had ADHD and narcolepsy, I'm not sure, but, FUCK.  I can follow... most anything, even Spirited Away made reasonable sense the first time I watched it, but this, THIS, this is... this is... this is what would happen if Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Natural Born Killers had a baby, and that baby did meth, but not just any meth, ENERGY METH, then fucked mother nature until cacti were growing in Moscow.  Oh, and they want to make DAMN SURE you know that Bayonetta has amnesia, I mean, every other story bit is a mention of how she doesn't remember anything, like, seriously, not a fucking thing, nothing, not one memory, did you get it, they don't think so, they'll tell you again, and make sure you know: SHE DON'T KNOW SHIT.  I dunno, maybe it's their private joke about how she, like you, doesn't know shit about what's going on.

Oh, and there's this motherfucker
Spoiler Alert: He's angry as shit
And no, we don't know why.

So, yeah, that's Bayonetta:
Gameplay: A-fucking-plus amazing
Graphics: don't need beer-goggles good
Story: ah, fuck it
Sex Jokes: more abundant than tequila and glitter in Ke$ha's stomache
Nonsense: double negative entropy bubbles.
Art: like watching The Divine Comedy, but with tits and nonsense.

In summary: it's like playing through The Divine Comedy, if Dante Aligheri had written it after doing some acid and watching some tentacle hentai (if you don't know what that is.... there's always google), but with an extra layer of refined, weapons grade nonsense icing and with tits and sex joke sprinkles.

Or maybe it should be "ass and sex joke sprinkles"
Either way, damn good game.
Oh, and if you're or the female variety, and wondering if you'd still enjoy the game,
yes, it's still fun, and no, it still doesn't make any sense.

Muffin Evil 5

It's the end of the world! Again! Well, actually, for the fifth time. I just finished playing through Resident Evil 5 and was unimpressed. It isn't a bad game, but it is predictable, and it has a few minor control issues that really break up the flow of the game.

On the other end of the spectrum from games like Prototype, RE5 puts a large emphasis on the plot. It's a third person shooter, but the shooting part seems sickly and hard to deal with. Overall it's pretty immersive and involving - breaking up certain cutscenes with quicktime events - and it gives an enjoyable gameplay experience. It has some quirks that take getting used to and a treasure gathering objective that allows you to get more money to upgrade and buy new weapons.

There is one big issue that I have with this game, and that's the controls for shooting. You can't move while you aim, no matter what weapon you're using. You have to stand still and hope that you can finish off the enemy before they get to you, otherwise you have to drop your weapon's aim, run away, and set back up again before you can fire. They mashed a rail shooter style aiming system with an action/RPG style game. It doesn't work. The same thing happens when you try and use your knife, which is a good weapon to have, but the issue remains. It breaks the flow of the game and messes up the entire system.

The story behind this game is interesting to say the least, but it's more or less the same story that's replayed throughout the entire series, just edited for area and characters. Just another apocalyptic scenario and you're the ONLY ONE who can save the world... for some reason. Why an elite trained soldier can't do the same job is beyond me. Surprisingly, Umbrella doesn't play that big a part in this game; it's mentioned like, once. Weird. Instead, you have the company Tricell and other bad people, not naming any names. Don't want to ruin their attempt at a story.

Other than the aiming system, the controls are fairly functional. Reaction commands appear every now and again to make things easier and let you get physical with your enemy; not zombies this time, just... some virus infected Africans. Not zombies, just mindless.

Like I said earlier, it didn't impress me. It isn't a bad game at all, it's actually pretty good. But it isn't outstanding and doesn't pop out of the other games of the apocolyptic shooter genre.

>Ryft