Muffinetta

hokay, so, there's this game, it's an old game now, and by 'old' I mean that by any other standard it'd still be young enough that you'd have to clean up its shit and feed it on a regular basis; but you're a bastard and to you its a grumpy old man sitting on his porch with a shotgun and a glass of old scotch aiming at making the front page once the school buses start their deliveries.
So, by now it's safe to assume you have NO IDEA what I'm talking about.
Here's a picture:

Ok, that probably didn't help that much, since all you know now is that there's a sexy librarian chick with a gun, and the moon.... and the moon... but that bastard's a different topic already.

ANYWAY.

What I'm trying to get to is Bayonetta, a somewhat overlooked spectacle fighter that was probably overlooked since any mother considering getting their kid a game for Christmas, or for any other reason, would probably rather give their child a private pole-dancing lesson than let them anywhere near this game.
Now, to clarify, the game is not sexually explicit, but rather.... very, very, very sexually implicit.  very.
This game is one big damn sex joke.

First clear distinction from DMC:
You're a chick with a katana.
Advantage: Bayonetta.

And that, right there, either sold you on the game, or made you stop reading this and go do something with your life; and by 'do something with your life' I mean get hit by a truck and become an organ donor, because clearly, someone else can better utilize those squishy life sponges that you're keeping all to yourself.
So, the game.  It's a spectacle fighter.  That really just means "kinda like Devil May Cry".  Now, it's kinda like Devil May Cry, except better.  Now, you can take my word for this, or read the rest of this and become convinced, or, you can take the fact that a used copy of Bayonetta is selling for roughly double what a used copy of DMC4 is selling for: empirical evidence- fuck yeah.  Anyway, it's better, empirically, which is basically the same as saying scientifically, and if science says it, you're basically fucked if you try to disagree; like people who think homeopathic medicine works.  But, reasons why it's better, why it's selling for double, and why it's worth that double monies.  Well, first off, the combat doesn't suck like it does in DMC4.  The fights in Bayonetta are hugely varied and the number of gameplay variations that the game can throw at you ensures that there are very few 'generic' fights, but that each one usually has its own 'twist' (note: Bayonetta is, thankfully, in no way associated with a certain Mr. Shayamamalamanana-- you know who i mean dammit).  Also, MOTHERFUCKING MID BOSS CHECKPOINTS.
If you have no idea why that deserves to be in caps, then this game isn't for you, you dumb cunt.
If you read that and had to forcibly restrain yourself from humping your computer screen in joy, then this game will fullfil your wildest dreams.
Also, you can fucking walk on walls.
That's right, parkour doesn't have shit on this game.
On the more technical aspects of the game, the graphics are good, even great, for the 360.  Not the best on the 360, but quite good.  Of more note on a visual perspective is the artstyle of the game; now, I'm not an artist, nor do I know all that much about art, but I can say that it's one of the more visually unique and interesting games out there.

Seriously, there are guns on her shoes,
if that doesn't convince you to play this
then I don't know what will.

The gameplay is very DMC, but with some slowmo bits, some wall/ceiling walking, some non-sense, and some other bits that just generally work better than DMC.
OH.
THE STORY.
THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

Yep, that's a giant disembodied foot.

Ok, if anyone knows what the fuck is going on here, I will fucking shit a fucking gold plated brick.  The story here makes as much sense as a M.C. Hammer children's book.  I mean, it fluxuates between serious face story, plot, characters, plot devices normal bits, and then, for no fucking reason, and with no fucking warning, fucking big band music with a brass section starts playing and everything takes an acid laced tumble-romp into crazy town.  It's like someone with highly, highly unregulated bipolar disorder and amnesia wrote some of the cutscenes, or they had ADHD and narcolepsy, I'm not sure, but, FUCK.  I can follow... most anything, even Spirited Away made reasonable sense the first time I watched it, but this, THIS, this is... this is... this is what would happen if Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Natural Born Killers had a baby, and that baby did meth, but not just any meth, ENERGY METH, then fucked mother nature until cacti were growing in Moscow.  Oh, and they want to make DAMN SURE you know that Bayonetta has amnesia, I mean, every other story bit is a mention of how she doesn't remember anything, like, seriously, not a fucking thing, nothing, not one memory, did you get it, they don't think so, they'll tell you again, and make sure you know: SHE DON'T KNOW SHIT.  I dunno, maybe it's their private joke about how she, like you, doesn't know shit about what's going on.

Oh, and there's this motherfucker
Spoiler Alert: He's angry as shit
And no, we don't know why.

So, yeah, that's Bayonetta:
Gameplay: A-fucking-plus amazing
Graphics: don't need beer-goggles good
Story: ah, fuck it
Sex Jokes: more abundant than tequila and glitter in Ke$ha's stomache
Nonsense: double negative entropy bubbles.
Art: like watching The Divine Comedy, but with tits and nonsense.

In summary: it's like playing through The Divine Comedy, if Dante Aligheri had written it after doing some acid and watching some tentacle hentai (if you don't know what that is.... there's always google), but with an extra layer of refined, weapons grade nonsense icing and with tits and sex joke sprinkles.

Or maybe it should be "ass and sex joke sprinkles"
Either way, damn good game.
Oh, and if you're or the female variety, and wondering if you'd still enjoy the game,
yes, it's still fun, and no, it still doesn't make any sense.

Army of Muffins: The 40th Day

So I just finished playing through Army of Two: The 40th Day, and despite it being an incredibly short game, it was very enjoyable. It isn't a game that you would play for the plot, seeing as how it's almost nonexistant, but rather for the co-op play. That's right, this game is only really good for co-op, as the single player AI partner is dumber than a candy necklace.

In retrospect, there's a lot of things that could have been done differently throughout the game. There are points along the story where you have to decide between two options, usually between killing someone or letting them live. These choices do little to alter how the game turns out, it mainly just affects your "morality" meter, which only really changed one thing. If your morality is high enough, you can access the weapons locker on the one level. Woohoo. Big deal. You won't really be using weapons other than the ones you already have access to buy anyway.

You get to customize your weapons, and you have slots for three different types. You have your main weapon, normally a machine gun but it can be switched to a shotgun, then you have your pistol, not used very often unless you're forced to, and the sniper rifle, also exchangeable for a shotgun. You get to put silencers, new barrels, bayonets, and other such accessories on each weapon to make it more suitable for what you want it to do. The one thing that is really noticeable is the noise level, called aggro in this game. They tie it in to the partner system quite wonderfully. If your partner is using a gun with high aggro, the attention of the enemy will be drawn mostly to them, leaving you free to sneak up closer or snipe without worry of getting killed.

This brings me to team strategy, something that Army of Two actually does really well. There are parts everywhere that you wouldn't be able to get past if it were just you - walls you have to help your partner over, doors that need to be opened from the other side, etc. - and they play elegantly into the game. Another aspect of the team strategy is when you get hurt. If you fall, your partner can come over and more or less revive you, after dragging you around like a piece of unlovedd luggage. This makes you able to drag your buddy behind cover before healing him, so you don't get dropped just like he did.

The enemies in the game leave something to be desired, despite the changing character classes throughout the pointless story. The shotgun carrier, the heavy minigun wielder, the grenadier, and the flamethrower dude. Each has a different weakn- oh wait, no they don't. The shotgun carrier is the only one who has a different weakness. The others you just have to shoot at the various packs they have on their backs to blow them up. Creative? No. Difficult? At times.

So in conclusion, this was an incredibly short game, and it fell short of my expectations in that regard. The controls were pretty easy and functional enough to keep gameplay smooth, though certain parts were difficult to figure out. The story is useless, despite the NPC's being quite interesting. Not a bad play, with some replay value as well. Don't get shot by the RPG's.

>Ryft