Ninety Nine Percent Muffins

Sup bitches, now onto economics and politics.
Why?  You ask.  Because surely I would not stoop into that cesspool of biased propaganda based filth that is the political system.  Well, the answer is that I just got this sweet pair of waders off amazon and I want to see if they're radioactive-ebola proof; and the only place to find mental radioactive-ebola is politics, specifically, American politics, just to clarify which serotype of ebola we're working with here.

I noticed this post was lacking in pictures, so, here's
a picture of a duck.

So, first off, I'm not going to identify myself with any party.  Why?  Because they're tossers- All of them.  Drawing lines between groups is a.) one of the best historical ways to incite genocide (don't believe me, look up Rwanda, and read about how fucked up that shit was) and b.) it's the best way to STAY ELECTED or to GET ELECTED.  Because, lets face it, having to vote on people based off of what they think and say and having to have intelligent discussion of ideas and actual debates of topics that don't fit into the five minutes between commercials is just not something that politicians want to do, and it's not something the average American citizen is mentally equipped to do.  Also, a lot of politicians would get thrown out on their asses real quick if they actually had to explain the reasoning behind their 'stances' (not all mind you, Ron Paul in particular has proven himself adept at explaining WHY he thinks the way he does, but many others would end up looking pants-on-head-retarded for even trying, also, I'm not a libertarian, just fyi).  And more to the point with parties, it's easy to stay elected when all you have to do is convince people that you're not affiliated with Party "X" when they want to ruin everything and that even if you're a complete incompetent idiot you're better than allowing them to get power.  Same goes for getting elected, you don't need to argue views and points, you argue that the person from party "Y" has fucked up enough that they shouldn't be allowed to stay; and that doesn't mean that you have any solutions to the problems, or that you'll fuck up less, just that you're not with party "Y".  Basically, it comes down to the same mindset of Eagles or Cowboys?  And yes, that IS what's running our country, political sports teams with as much talent as your below-average soviet era Russian made toaster.

ANNNNNNNND
a picture of a squirrel
thinkin you're dumb
and that you have a terrible resume
and will be fired from 5 different Arbys.

So, we draw lines, so that we can point to the other side and say "AH-HA!!", or "FUCK YOU!!" or "NOT OUR FAULT!!" or "THAT REF IS A BLIND CUNT!!!".  And you know what that does?  Incites the blame game (fyi, it's always the ref's fault, except in rugby).  It makes it so that more emphasis is focused on who's to blame for a problem than on fixing the problem.  Dependency on foreign oil?  Blamed on Bush, but before then blamed on Clinton, and before him blamed on the other Bush, and so on and so forth back to the bitch-flipping SEVENTIES.  And you know what?  All of the presidents who addressed this problem did more to point out that they didn't start the problem than they did to fix it.  The main thing they all did was set deadlines for future presidents to fail to meet while blaming the policies of their fore-runner of the other party.  That's not to say no progress has been made, but that for all the effort of blaming parties and people for oil dependecy and prices, very little has been done to fix the problem.

And, what's that?  You want to know WHY???

This chipmunk hates you
it's pretending to eat your pancreas.
So that you'll have diabetes
And begin to turn into Wilfred Brimley
Then Sir. Brimley will come for you
And behead you, and yell:
"THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!"

Because doing something about a big problem other than blaming someone else requires drastic action, action that will, in all likelihood, take your chances of, you guessed it, RE-ELECTION, and shoot them down the shitter like all the tequila and glitter Ke$ha's been vomiting up over the years.  Now, I'm not saying I agree with what current Mr. President has done, but I give him props for doing something about healthcare.  I'm not saying it was the best thing, but, point being, he did something, even if it did take his re-election odds out back and throw them under a bus that looks conspicuously like the constitution.

AND THAT BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT!

Exploiting the American people.  Now, I referenced a constitution wrapped bus, and exploiting the American people, so, I can only be referring to one of two people and no, it's not Ke$ha, but between her and Sarah Palin, who I am referencing, I'd wager that Ke$ha's the more intelligent.  So, here's my problem with the whole bus that looks like the constitution thing: Palin used it to tour the country, to gain supporters, and to gain funds.  Funds for what you ask?  Well, while she always claimed she was undecided to run for Presidency, that was what the funds were heavily implied to be for, that with enough funding she'd run.  Well.......

This chinchilla wishes it was a pokemon
so it could get into animal fighting
and be a pro.
currently, it has a deskjob in chicago.
it's very very sad.

She never had any intention of running for the Presidency, she'd told her family that months before, and he daughter had told the press as much, also, months before she announced officially that she wouldn't be running.  So, why try to keep gaining funds for a presidential campaign that would never happen?  Because there is abso-fucking-lutely no oversight on how she spends campaign contributions.  Something Stephen Colbert has pointed out with his Super-Pac.  But, let me reiterate, Palin took funds from supporters under the guise of maybe running for Presidency, if support and funding where both there, AFTER having her daughter announce on the news that she told her family months before that she would NOT BE RUNNING.  Granted, it's not unheard of for women to change their minds, but still, the fact that she'd already been sued in the past for embezzlement should have tipped some people off.  Now, this isn't to say that I'm anti-republican, but that Sarah Palin specifically is an idiot, a fraud, and representative of who we're electing for office anywhere.

This is what Cher used to look like
before....
before....
it happened.

Now that I've tackled the elected officials, lets go on to their constituents.  Lets start off with this "99%" that I keep hearing about.  And, more importantly, lets look at WHY they're the 99%.  First off, while they're angry they're not the top earners in America, they're also angry at "corporate greed".  Which is what's making the CEO's of companies rich while the ratio of their earnings to their employee's earnings keeps going in their favor.  Now, I can see why people don't like this.  But, can you honestly say they don't deserve it?  I mean, do you see any of the angry people starting their own highly successful companies to make that kind of money? No.  And if you want to fix that problem, I hate to tell you, but the government isn't the place to try to fix it.  Government cannot fix greed.  It's a human problem.  What government can do is tax, and the power to tax is the power to destroy.  But, you know what'll happen if the government keeps taxing top executives?  They'll keep paying themselves more money.  Simple as that.  And if government does anything too drastic, guess what?  They'll go overseas and scream "FUCK YOU" from across the pacific.  Also, lemme point out that 99% of the 99% would do the same damn thing in their shoes.  And if you want to complain about stagnant middle class wages and lower end wages, well, ask this question: why should they be paid more for a job they're already doing for less?  This is simple business.  If you want more money for a job someone else will do for less, then guess what, the other person will be doing the job, assuming they have at least comparable competency.  The problem here lies in supply and demand.  There is a huge supply of labor, and a low demand, meaning that companies will continually hire the lowest bidder to do any job, meaning that you, the 99%, are the reason they're not paying you more-- it's because you're willing to work.  Now, we came up with a 'solution' to this problem decades ago, they were unions.  But, unions have their own sets of pro's and con's that I don't feel like getting into.  But fact of the matter is that CEO's are in very low supply, and companies place a very high demand on the best they can get, so they get pain an ass-load of money.  THIS IS BASIC BUSINESS.  And government can't fix it, so stop yelling at the government to tax them more and let them keep their earnings, they didn't get there by being incompetent.  And if they're taxed less, maybe, and by maybe I mean this is a mathematical certainty, they'll be able to be paid less to live the same lifestyle, meaning more money goes into the company, and into the products and employees of that company.  Also, if you really want  to complain about a CEO and tell a company ANYTING: stop buying their product.  Until you do that, they don't give half a flying fuck about what you think.  And using reason, logic and a sense of 'fairness' to do so won't work; claiming the company supports satanism might though.

Ok, I started writing this a while ago, and I forgot where I was, and I don't feel like going back and reading my shit to see where I was going, so, that's all you get.

Fuck-off Llama says:
"Fuck Off-
Bitch"

FINAL Muffins

Ok, so, most of us are college students, that was kind of a secret, not really, but, if you're on the lower end of the normal IQ distribution you may not have noticed, and that's what I was counting on.  Anyway, it is now, or will be soon, FINALS WEEK.  The week when everything tries to kill you.

Appearance of peaceful serenity: yes
Will it kill you if you drop your guard: yes
Are there hidden polar bears: yes
Do these bears have lightsabers: yes

EVERYTHING.

You think I'm making this up?  It snowed.  Mother Nature turned the entire outdoors into a frozen, ice coated deathtrap filled with friction dependent multi-ton, motorized steel monsters, commanded by complete ass-hats, roaming about- just for us squishy, organ filled pedestrians.  This isn't even survival of the fittest, this is survival of the lucky bastards.

And the least squishy.

Garfield is made of LIES!!

It speaks only Truth.

Your own body even tries to kill you; with sleep.  You don't have time for it, you body demands it.  And yet, if you sleep, you die a horrible accademic death and go to burger king hell which is like the mortal form of purgatory if purgatory sucked more ass than your mind can comprehend; or, you don't sleep, and you avoid that festering grease wasteland but, you catch the crazies instead.  Now, 'the crazies' isn't exactly one of my normal scientific terms, the reason for this is simple; you don't catch a single scientifically quantifiable type of crazy, you catch ALL of the crazies.  You hallucinate, you become paranoid, you freak the fuck out for no apparent reason, you eat a box of pancake mix, you start singing Ke$ha, you become irritable and depressed, you pretend to be a veloci-raptor from Jurassic Park and leap around in kitchens chasing small children on into bread cupboards.

This is how your profs
view Christmas.
No sissy mistletoe for
these motherfuckers.

You do not want that fate.


But, everything is still trying to kill you.  Your professors want nothing more than to see you spontaneously combust during their final; they get a Christmas bonus for every student after the 3rd to combust with another bonus if they catch a nearby student on fire as well.  To them, you not catching fire is ruining Christmas, so that makes them pyromanic bastards and should not be trusted unless they're impersonating Elvis.



Even your food is trying to kill you.

Most trustworthy burger a man could ever hope for.

Yes, even that well-done slab of dead cow nestled neatly between those plump processed wheat grain buns coated in MSG laden artificial tomato product, even that is actively trying to kill you.  And how?  Well, not on it's own, on it's own it wants nothing more than to nurture you into a nice, comfortable adulthood complete with the Apple-Pie edition Genuine American Dream.  However.... there are terrorist plots at work here.  IN YOUR OWN LIVER.  Yes, stress hormones are turning that innocent, benign cow slab against you; they're corrupting it, teaching it the dark magics long ago forbade by Dumbledor and the council of wise elders with the approval of the Power Rangers Review Board.  That benign, peacful slab of dead cow is now actively seeking to turn itself from good, nourishing protein, into deadly Elven Death Fat of the Defiler +2: Bonus to Unclogged Arteries.  Fucking dark elvish liver terrorist.  That cow slab was INNOCENT!!!

You will miss them more than you
can possibly imagine.
Just like the Deathstar.

Now, there is, of course, more stuff trying to kill you, but, i've lingered here too long, if I stay they'll find me.  I've helped you all that I can.  BEWARE THE VELOCIRAPTOR BEARS.  They will find you, in your dreams, and steal all your fantasies, and feed them to their young, then eat your socks.  ALL OF YOUR SOCKS.


Oh, and toasters, fuck toasters, they're always trying to kill you, finicky little slot-loaded bastards.  They eat not just all of your toast, but all of your electrics too... electric bastard mongrels... and then, and then, the arrogant sons-of-bitches, they feed your toast back to you after they've eaten and burned it, like some sick, twisted cyborg bird tethered to the electric line regurgitating food back to it's young.  And you thought you were in command, all because of the turny-buttins, but it lied to you; that son of a bitch cyborg bird toaster lied to you, and you believed it, all of those years... you'll listen the next time the dishwasher tries to warn you now, won't you?

...Won't you?    

Cheerful looking son-of-a-bitch, innit?

Standing Like a Muffin

Ok, so, I was pondering humanity again.  And I was doing said pondering while walking, and, while walking an interesting phenomenon occurred.  This phenomenon is one that, I can scarcely call a 'phenomenon' in that it happens all the fucking time, but, what occurred was that the person who was walking in front of me just stopped.  Stopped.  In the middle of the fucking sidewalk, the middle of the crowded sidewalk, the sidewalk that other people, namely ME, were trying to, lets see here, WALK ON, and they were STANDING in the middle of it, completely oblivious to the idea, the concept, the very possibility that there may be other people in existence that may, possibly, want to use that same sidewalk as them, and, again, what were they doing?  Standing there, having a motherfucking conversation.

Yes, I've finally found the problem with humanity, the reason we don't have flying cars and robot espresso machines, the reason the future hasn't come yet.
Them.
The time-space continuum doesn't even like them.
They are the problem.

This is what you're looking for.
I'm not sure how it's gonna work, but that's between you and the car
I don't want to know.  

And, if by some unfortunate circumstance, you find that you are the problem then there are two things you can do about that.  The first is to go fucking play in traffic, and don't take the word fucking as an adjective either, it's a verb, and that's how you get to remove yourself from the gene pool, by engine fucking a passing '86 mustang being driven by Sir DoucheCunt McFagBags at 88 mph with Oprah riding shotgun.  The second option, is that you simply don't stop in the middle of the damn walkway to have a conversation while everyone else has somewhere to be, somewhere where they contribute to society and progress humanity farther from the dark ages where dumb-asses like you would still have us standing complacently in the middle of sidewalks wasting civilization away while the barbarians sack Rome and Skynet nukes the shit out of Australia and your dog.

Oh.  And guess what.  I can back my vindictive, righteous anger up with SCIENCE.  Yeah, that shit that you failed in hight school and the reason you're working at Burger King, it's coming back to bite you in the ass.  Because YOU are what your body would consider to be a HEART ATTACK.  YOU are what causes ischemic strokes.  YOU cause necrosis.  And how does this connection make one iota of sense?  Guess what causes all those death-type illnesses (death types have a bonus against healthy living abilities, but are weak against anti-coagulant type medications).  Blood clots, but not just a blood clot, a blood clot that was circulating through the blood stream, all nice and normal like, but the it stopped in the middle of an important artery and RUINED EVERYTHING JUST LIKE YOU.  And not the 'ruined everything' that your parents told you  because you were a drunken accident they couldn't put up for adoption.  You are the social analog of a heart attack and a stroke- you are everything that's wrong with society and your degree of ignorance about other people will be what brings about the end of civilization as we know it, so, when we're being raped in the ass by motherfucking alien pterodactyl sex monsters with tentacles I'll blame you.     

YOUR FAULT.
You dumb walking fail cunt.
Go fuck a toaster.
And make sure it's plugged in.
And set to "Hellfire"

Oh, and seeing as it is now the Holiday Season, if you do that 'stopping thing' in a crowded mall...
They'll cancel Christmas, and all of the sad orphans in the world will blame you.
And Santa will send you and all your relatives uncaged Ebola Monkeys on Christmas morning.
Ebola Monkeys.

Merry Christmas.

Enjoy Dissolving.

Muffin Wrench

This is a bit of an older game now, with no shortage of reviews out there telling you that's it's great, game of the year, a life-changing epiphany waiting to happen, possibly the cure for ebola, or just a game worth sinking 12ish hours of your life into. But, I like this game, and I have a witty title that ties into the gameplay and muffins, so I'm writing it whether you like it or not. Even if you don't like horror games, play this, it's not horror, it's awesome, you can't help but like it, and if you don't, you may be a communist, and since this game has a retro 60ish feel to it, that means that by default you'll be exiled by your friends and neighbors and that the local gas station won't serve 'your kind' anymore, kinda like C3P0, yes, not liking this game would make you that annoying. But, if you're reading this, I'll assume you're not a commie, and you're not annoying, mainly so I can sleep at night knowing that the dirty reds aren't being entertained by my writing nor are they being guided through the capitalist petri dish that is America, rather that they are floundering around out there, trying to figure out why the hell radioshacks even exists, but, then, the average american might not even know that anymore. But I digress.

Though on a related topic similar to communism and broken down reactors that make entire cities uninhabitable, for some odd reason, we as human beings seem to have a strange fascination with wandering around a failed dystopian society whilst being the lone sane person left alive and killing everything else. And if this fantasy is one that you have every day at work, on your drive to wherever the hell it is that you decided to go, or simply when you're around other people, then Bioshock is likely a game that will fullfil your deepest desires and leave every other aspect of your life feeling comparatively empty. Is this to say that the game is a dream come true? Well, maybe, maybe not; while it will certainly fuck your dreams over with a steam powered blender and to a 50's era soundtrack just like in your twisted dystopian fantasies, it does have some drawbacks. It has no multiplayer: no co-op (which would have been awesome, like, crawling around Chernobyl fighting mutant commies awesome) , no versus, no CTF, nothing. To me that's a missed opportunity. But would you really want to share your dystopian fantasy world with your friends? No, of course you wouldn't, it's your dystopia, and all the miscreants in it are your bitches, and you're not in a sharing mood. Sharing is for commies anyway. But the lack of multiplayer is, sadly, not your perfect dystopia's worst flaw: the save system is. While it's not the horrendous holocaust grade trajedy that was the password system of old, it is something akin to finding out that the hot girl you just drunkenly hit on was your sister, or worse yet, your mom's sister; it's bad, game-breakingly bad. It makes dying more of an inconveinence than anything, or, in some cases, even the prefered method of playing the game. And only the commies prefer to play games by dying for mother russia; Americans survive, like McGyver, or Chuck Norris: we don't die like those commie death whores.

Oh, and you play Pipe Dream as a minigame; I'm not joking. I thought that had died with Windows 3.11, but, i guess if you're gonna have a minigame you can at least pick a classic and give it a slightly shiny new coat of paint. But it is a lump in an otherwise smooth and creamy milkshake of gaming goodness; but hey, some people like lumpy milkshakes as is their right, in America: but in Soviet Russia, milk shakes you.

Now, the good about this little, personal, communist free apocalypse. For one, it's beautiful; the Unreal 3 engine does a superb job of rendering this game, especially for the 360. It's not the prettiest game, especially not for the PC, but everything fits together perfectly. The art style is, well, art. This game could be put in a museum and, not only would it be the most badass piece of art there, but it would piss on the mona lisa and scare away the small children; basically, it's the perfect piece of art and a general improvement to society in general. But not only is it beautiful and a functional scarecrow for the elderly and the infantile, it's gameplay is fast paced (usually, with a few rare exceptions), well balanced, fluid (ok, the system's a bit clunky, but it works beautifully), atmospheric (the first five minutes of this game draw you in as nothing else before or since in my experience), stays fresh for the entire game (really, the game never gets old, and rarely repetitive), and is some of the most satisfying combat in a FPS game (possible exceptin being the Condemned games, but they're different, lets compare apples to apples here, or at least toasters to stainless steel toasters). But really, one of the greatest points of this game is it's plot, and the way it's told; you can't get this in any other medium: not movies, not books, maybe comics, but that's a stretch. It's phenomenal, I can't spoil anything for you, I won't, only a communist would do that; and if you have a friend that did spoil it for you, they're a communist, and you should email your state's governor to have them hauled off to a commie-camp, or at least start telling people that this friend has the herpes, everywhere, and is contagious, all the time, so that way people will avoid eye contact with them and treat everything they say as meaningless herpes induced alphabet vomit.

Essentially, if you enjoy, life, freedom, happiness, cars, and the right for every random person you meet to potentially be carrying a boomstick in their pocket and a miniature poodle in their purse, then you'll like this game, or at least enjoy it more than licking Oprah's fat rolls.