Christmastime Muffins

Look at this adorable little guy.
Your poor grammar and abuse of
abbreviations could end his life.
You don't want that, do you?

So, as you may or may not be aware, the Christmas season (which now starts in October?) is upon us! That's right boys and girls, this means that Santa will not be delivering anyone presents because he has been subsidized by a manufacturing company in Asia that is actually owned by an oil baron in the Caribbean. Or something like that. Maybe it's just because you all were very bad internet trolls who lack the ability to use proper grammar? You should get on that. Pay attention in English class, because, every time you use abbreviations like "totes" or "adorbz" or the abominable "LOL", a kitten is put in a burlap sack with several large bricks and tossed into an ocean. SO STOP IT, FOR THE SAKE OF THE KITTENS.

Any way, back to my original point: it's Christmas time. People have a wide variety of traditions for celebrating this beloved season, but they all seem to have the common denominator of unrestrained commercialism and material indulgence. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas. Sitting around the living room with my family after a massive breakfast and opening presents with my family is one of the best memories I take from every year. However, it is the mad rush to the stores and the sense of entitlement that people seem to have that drives me abso-FREAKING-lutely over the top. I'll be honest, my parents still ask me for a Christmas list every year, but I find it more and more difficult to come up with items to put on the list every year. This may be because my tastes have changed and I really don't feel the need to ask for every new gadget that comes out. But I think it's because I've realized that I'm simply happy to give and receive gifts and spend the day with family members, some of whom I rarely have the opportunity to see due to college, work, or the simple fact that they live so far from home.

Bet you didn't see that coming, did you? The No Muffins For You crew making you realize that we're not all heartless, soulless bastards? Yeah, that's right.

So what's my point in all of this? If you haven't gathered, I am a proponent of buying gifts for family, friends, significant others, and even hobos on the local street corner. Somewhere in the midst of all the holiday rush, we lost sight of the actual joy of seeing someone's face light up when they get a gift that you really thought through and spent hours of planning to try and find exactly what they really wanted, whether they said it or not.

This brings me to my next point about Christmastime's over-commercialization: THE GOD-AWFUL EAR-RAPE THAT SOCIETY CALLS MUSIC AND INSISTS ON INFLICTING ON EVERY HUMAN BEING. To clarify, I absolutely love the classic renditions of such songs as "Mr. Grinch", "Winter Wonderland", "Let It Snow", and many, many more courtesy of the greats like Sinatra, Crosby, and the like. It's these mind-numbingly generic, poorly orchestrated, auto-tuned, pop renditions of those classic songs that I loathe. Not just hate, mind you. LOATHE. With every fiber of my being.

This is how you celebrate Christmas:
With fireworks, lasers, and insane guitar solos.

Now, this commercialization has produced quite a few covers of classic songs that I love dearly. For example August Burns Red's covers "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" and "Carol of the Bells" are spectacular - so spectacular, in fact, that they have spawned a new term: CHRISTMOSH. And Trans Siberian Orchestra has yet to release an album that I don't love (read "Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24" is amazing). There are so many great covers out there. Plus, original tunes like MxPx's "Christmas Night of the Zombies" make the season enjoyable and lighthearted. All of these factors have led me to craft new Christmas playlists with music filled with talent that I truly enjoy.

So, what's the point of all this seemingly random rambling? My point is this: Christmas is a wonderful time of year filled with memories and fellowship that really has no equal. Don't forget it. Don't lose yourself in the rush to buy the newest iPhone (or whatever you youngins are after these days, I can't keep track). Take a moment to reflect on what makes this time of year valuable to you.

Merry Christmas from the curmudgeonly, grumpy, yet mildly amusing folks at No Muffins For You.

Ninety Nine Percent Muffins

Sup bitches, now onto economics and politics.
Why?  You ask.  Because surely I would not stoop into that cesspool of biased propaganda based filth that is the political system.  Well, the answer is that I just got this sweet pair of waders off amazon and I want to see if they're radioactive-ebola proof; and the only place to find mental radioactive-ebola is politics, specifically, American politics, just to clarify which serotype of ebola we're working with here.

I noticed this post was lacking in pictures, so, here's
a picture of a duck.

So, first off, I'm not going to identify myself with any party.  Why?  Because they're tossers- All of them.  Drawing lines between groups is a.) one of the best historical ways to incite genocide (don't believe me, look up Rwanda, and read about how fucked up that shit was) and b.) it's the best way to STAY ELECTED or to GET ELECTED.  Because, lets face it, having to vote on people based off of what they think and say and having to have intelligent discussion of ideas and actual debates of topics that don't fit into the five minutes between commercials is just not something that politicians want to do, and it's not something the average American citizen is mentally equipped to do.  Also, a lot of politicians would get thrown out on their asses real quick if they actually had to explain the reasoning behind their 'stances' (not all mind you, Ron Paul in particular has proven himself adept at explaining WHY he thinks the way he does, but many others would end up looking pants-on-head-retarded for even trying, also, I'm not a libertarian, just fyi).  And more to the point with parties, it's easy to stay elected when all you have to do is convince people that you're not affiliated with Party "X" when they want to ruin everything and that even if you're a complete incompetent idiot you're better than allowing them to get power.  Same goes for getting elected, you don't need to argue views and points, you argue that the person from party "Y" has fucked up enough that they shouldn't be allowed to stay; and that doesn't mean that you have any solutions to the problems, or that you'll fuck up less, just that you're not with party "Y".  Basically, it comes down to the same mindset of Eagles or Cowboys?  And yes, that IS what's running our country, political sports teams with as much talent as your below-average soviet era Russian made toaster.

ANNNNNNNND
a picture of a squirrel
thinkin you're dumb
and that you have a terrible resume
and will be fired from 5 different Arbys.

So, we draw lines, so that we can point to the other side and say "AH-HA!!", or "FUCK YOU!!" or "NOT OUR FAULT!!" or "THAT REF IS A BLIND CUNT!!!".  And you know what that does?  Incites the blame game (fyi, it's always the ref's fault, except in rugby).  It makes it so that more emphasis is focused on who's to blame for a problem than on fixing the problem.  Dependency on foreign oil?  Blamed on Bush, but before then blamed on Clinton, and before him blamed on the other Bush, and so on and so forth back to the bitch-flipping SEVENTIES.  And you know what?  All of the presidents who addressed this problem did more to point out that they didn't start the problem than they did to fix it.  The main thing they all did was set deadlines for future presidents to fail to meet while blaming the policies of their fore-runner of the other party.  That's not to say no progress has been made, but that for all the effort of blaming parties and people for oil dependecy and prices, very little has been done to fix the problem.

And, what's that?  You want to know WHY???

This chipmunk hates you
it's pretending to eat your pancreas.
So that you'll have diabetes
And begin to turn into Wilfred Brimley
Then Sir. Brimley will come for you
And behead you, and yell:
"THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!"

Because doing something about a big problem other than blaming someone else requires drastic action, action that will, in all likelihood, take your chances of, you guessed it, RE-ELECTION, and shoot them down the shitter like all the tequila and glitter Ke$ha's been vomiting up over the years.  Now, I'm not saying I agree with what current Mr. President has done, but I give him props for doing something about healthcare.  I'm not saying it was the best thing, but, point being, he did something, even if it did take his re-election odds out back and throw them under a bus that looks conspicuously like the constitution.

AND THAT BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT!

Exploiting the American people.  Now, I referenced a constitution wrapped bus, and exploiting the American people, so, I can only be referring to one of two people and no, it's not Ke$ha, but between her and Sarah Palin, who I am referencing, I'd wager that Ke$ha's the more intelligent.  So, here's my problem with the whole bus that looks like the constitution thing: Palin used it to tour the country, to gain supporters, and to gain funds.  Funds for what you ask?  Well, while she always claimed she was undecided to run for Presidency, that was what the funds were heavily implied to be for, that with enough funding she'd run.  Well.......

This chinchilla wishes it was a pokemon
so it could get into animal fighting
and be a pro.
currently, it has a deskjob in chicago.
it's very very sad.

She never had any intention of running for the Presidency, she'd told her family that months before, and he daughter had told the press as much, also, months before she announced officially that she wouldn't be running.  So, why try to keep gaining funds for a presidential campaign that would never happen?  Because there is abso-fucking-lutely no oversight on how she spends campaign contributions.  Something Stephen Colbert has pointed out with his Super-Pac.  But, let me reiterate, Palin took funds from supporters under the guise of maybe running for Presidency, if support and funding where both there, AFTER having her daughter announce on the news that she told her family months before that she would NOT BE RUNNING.  Granted, it's not unheard of for women to change their minds, but still, the fact that she'd already been sued in the past for embezzlement should have tipped some people off.  Now, this isn't to say that I'm anti-republican, but that Sarah Palin specifically is an idiot, a fraud, and representative of who we're electing for office anywhere.

This is what Cher used to look like
before....
before....
it happened.

Now that I've tackled the elected officials, lets go on to their constituents.  Lets start off with this "99%" that I keep hearing about.  And, more importantly, lets look at WHY they're the 99%.  First off, while they're angry they're not the top earners in America, they're also angry at "corporate greed".  Which is what's making the CEO's of companies rich while the ratio of their earnings to their employee's earnings keeps going in their favor.  Now, I can see why people don't like this.  But, can you honestly say they don't deserve it?  I mean, do you see any of the angry people starting their own highly successful companies to make that kind of money? No.  And if you want to fix that problem, I hate to tell you, but the government isn't the place to try to fix it.  Government cannot fix greed.  It's a human problem.  What government can do is tax, and the power to tax is the power to destroy.  But, you know what'll happen if the government keeps taxing top executives?  They'll keep paying themselves more money.  Simple as that.  And if government does anything too drastic, guess what?  They'll go overseas and scream "FUCK YOU" from across the pacific.  Also, lemme point out that 99% of the 99% would do the same damn thing in their shoes.  And if you want to complain about stagnant middle class wages and lower end wages, well, ask this question: why should they be paid more for a job they're already doing for less?  This is simple business.  If you want more money for a job someone else will do for less, then guess what, the other person will be doing the job, assuming they have at least comparable competency.  The problem here lies in supply and demand.  There is a huge supply of labor, and a low demand, meaning that companies will continually hire the lowest bidder to do any job, meaning that you, the 99%, are the reason they're not paying you more-- it's because you're willing to work.  Now, we came up with a 'solution' to this problem decades ago, they were unions.  But, unions have their own sets of pro's and con's that I don't feel like getting into.  But fact of the matter is that CEO's are in very low supply, and companies place a very high demand on the best they can get, so they get pain an ass-load of money.  THIS IS BASIC BUSINESS.  And government can't fix it, so stop yelling at the government to tax them more and let them keep their earnings, they didn't get there by being incompetent.  And if they're taxed less, maybe, and by maybe I mean this is a mathematical certainty, they'll be able to be paid less to live the same lifestyle, meaning more money goes into the company, and into the products and employees of that company.  Also, if you really want  to complain about a CEO and tell a company ANYTING: stop buying their product.  Until you do that, they don't give half a flying fuck about what you think.  And using reason, logic and a sense of 'fairness' to do so won't work; claiming the company supports satanism might though.

Ok, I started writing this a while ago, and I forgot where I was, and I don't feel like going back and reading my shit to see where I was going, so, that's all you get.

Fuck-off Llama says:
"Fuck Off-
Bitch"

Final Muffins: Muffiny Fate

So, it's been about a month, and you know what's happened in that month since you were last educated about vaccines and their relationship to playboy models?  Well, SHIT GOT REAL.  That's what happened.  People have been maced in the fucking face over technology that was new before the housing market and the global economy got into that huge bitching contest back in '08.  But, you know what else?  No, fuck no you don't.  You didn't even know what I just told you, you might not even speak American anymore, for all I know, you think we're back in the middle ages.  And that, dear children, is because FINALS WEEK is once again upon us.

Look at this penguin.
Look upon him.
AND DESPAIR.

Yes, FINALS WEEK, that cheery christmasy time of year when people are festive, decorations are hung, eggnog is nog'd, reindeer are suddenly culturally relevant, people stop giving a fuck about Lady Gaga and listen to surprisingly inappropriate classic christmas music.  Also, if you're in college during this time of year, this wintery wonderland of magic and happiness, rife with elves and polar bears to be boxed, might, just might, look a bit like hell.

That's right, Hell.  And I don't mean fucking Kansas.  But that's damn close.

And right now, this personal hell isn't going to make any damn sense to you.  Because your brain is fucking fried.  It's like you just got drunk off history and differential equations but no amount of vomiting will make it better, because history's a bitch, and a half, well, more like a bitch with a midget bitch as a pet, that the full-sized bitch rides like a bitchy steed into battle, so she can smite the whores.  Now, why were the whores smited?  Because they represented the hope that your brain had.  And now they're gone, disemboweled and feasted upon by midget history bitch gremlins.

Maybe the 1950's weren't so bad after all.

So, your hopes and dreams are all belong to the bitches' intestines.  And those bitches be crazy, so, you don't really want them back.  BUT WHAT YOU DO WANT.  Is FREEDOM.  Cuz this is AMERICA.  And you shall look upon the wasteland that the bitches of history and science have wrought upon your personal hellscape and you shall yell into the horizon "Yippie Ki Yay-- MOTHERFUCKERS!!!"  And you shall give no more fucks.  Because all your fucks have been given, or maybe there were simply none to give in the first place, alas, these existential questions are not for us to ponder, for the ass is bountiful, there are many kicks to be made, and time is short.

So, the ass is plentiful, the kicks abound, and time is the limiting reagent is this equation of intellectual disembowelment.  You know what this means.  Your mission, if you choose to accept it, and you will because you're not a Canadia and are in no way related to a certain Mr. Travolta, is to kick Mr. Hawking's ass until relativity is your pretty little bitch.  And then you shall bend time to your will and you shall kick the asses until the ending of the age.  And when historians in the eons to follow discover the site where the ass was all kicked, they will look upon the site, they will examine the site, they will consult experts in assology, and they will conclude that the ass never even existed.

To be fair though, I wouldn't argue with free vodka.

But, the asses aside-- that's an issue for future assologists, not you, it is not for your enfeebled mind.  Your main concern: EVERYTHING IS TRYING TO KILL YOU.  I mean, it is finals week.  And before you can kick all the ass, you must survive-- EVERYTHING.  Particularly your own body.  Now, I've mentioned this before, but well, sleep is trying to kill you.  BUT, it is your right, as an AMERICAN, to try and kill it right the fuck back.  But sleep is all in your mind?  So how do you kill it, surely your mind is a good American?  Right?  FUCKING WRONG.  There's a damn commie living in there, fucking up your cerebrum, forcing you to try to make vodka from instant mashed potatoes and having you sign arms treaties with North Korea in your sleep while trying to develop an anti-capitalism blender: capitalist milk and ice cream in- sadness and socialism out- just like Sarah Palin.

Remember, Remember the 13th of December
Lawmower, disembowlment and cops.
For I know no reason, the Lawnmower Treason
Should ever have been stopped.

Oh, and your shower, that's trying to kill you.  You think that water's all falling on you benignly, with loveing kindness to wash away the foul stench of socialism that's permeated your very being as you've fermented all those long hours in the classroom.  NO.  That water is the real terrorist threat.  Every drop a suicide bomber.  And every dead skin cell washed away a casualty.  Beware!  For the shampoo is a detergent, and the water seeks only to eliminate your coefficient of friction keeping you firmly planted on this bit of capitalist soil so that gravity might work it's dark magics that it hath summoned forth from the dark realms where the tall grass waits with lurking monsters to devour thy ankles to feed the terror machines of the ancients.  All that to say: don't slip in the shower, or drop the soap, depending on where you're showering, and if you go in the tall grass then for fuck's sake don't pick Charmander as your starting pokemon, unless you enjoy being raped by Pidgeys.  Or hell, just use a fucking lawnmower-- SUPEREFFECTIVE BITCHES, but weak against rock types, they'll still fuck you up, and raise your insurance rates, and please, don't try to explain this to the cops, just shut the fuck up until you get an attorney; because I guarantee you the cop won't give a damn about how many badges you think you've earned by mowing the school's lawn 36 times at 4am and by running over every squirrel and freshman in a 4 mile radius, he'll give you a sobriety test, and when you fail, you can explain how close your lawnmower is to evolving into a fucking field tractor.

Oh, and don't use me as your one phone call- I'll say you have a meth lab.

Somehow, we taught this to a fucking duck.
And Sarah Fucking Palin, which might be more impressive.

Oh, you're still stuck on the part where there's a disembodied commie living in your brain.  And you want to know how to kill it.... um.... honestly, my first thought is a grisly bear, but I'm not sure how the fuck you'd get on into your brain and sure as fucking hell don't have a damn idea how you'd get it back out, cuz once it's in, your spine is going to look like a stream of salmon descended straight from the heavens.  And you don't want a bear in your spine.  No one does.  Unless you're into that.  But that's... odd... I don't even want to know... forget I even said that.  BUT. What you could do with that bear is box it, put a big damn UPS label on it and ship it that commie's family and hold them for ransom against a motherfucking angry bear and see how dedicated to the Motherland that bastard really is.  And by 'that bastard', I mean your professors, they're the disembodied commies living in yo brain.  They're the ones that receive tenure based solely on how many of you they can make lose faith in America, Santa Clause, and Hershey's Chocolate.

If that were part of the immune system
the swine flu would have stayed the fuck
in swine and left our damn bacon alone.
THAT BACON WAS INNOCENT.

So yes, it's finals week, and everything is trying to kill you, particularly your own brain, literally, this time in a scientific way, because when you're drunk off history fighting the communism of math, your brain tends to stop giving a fuck, and when it does that, it releases stress hormones, to try to get you to stop giving a fuck as well, because clearly, you're giving out your fucks like a Santa Clause that lost his naughty list.  And what those stress hormones do is, well, a whole damn lot of things, but the part that can kill you, well, ONE of the parts that can kill you is that they suppress your immune system, so that anything can kill you, or at least make you miserable, or, things can team up and try to kill you, like an Iron Curtain Tag Team match from hell inside yo cells, with MRSA and H1N1 fuckin' yo shit up like it's 1999 and the governator's still making movies.

Oh, and refrigerators, never trust them, or fuck them.  That's some good advice to live by.

Vaccinated Muffins: The Consequences of Listening to Idiots

Ok, first off, let me tell you what the consequences of listening to Playboy models for your health advise is:
Dead Babies and Children.

I'm not saying she's not hot, just that if you want
an intelligent discussion you're better off talking
to her boobs than to her face.

You can read from the link who Jenny McCarthy is, and you can probably use your sense of logic and reason to figure out why you shouldn't take her advise on healthcare or child-rearing.  But, that's the boring part, and the unfortunate part, because people listened to her, and believed that getting their kids vaccinated would, rather than protect them from potentially deadly, debilitating, and even disfiguring diseases that the vaccine would give them autism... somehow.... kinda like how Canada thought Battlefield Earth was a good idea....

Now, the SCIENCE part.

Lets go over some possible mechanisms by which vaccines could be linked to autism, or, anything brain related....

Well, lets start with autism, and what causes it, and how any of that can be affected by a vaccine.
Autism has been shown to have a strong (90%ish) genetic link.  So, as far as vaccines can affect that, we can say that the presence or absence of a vaccine does less than fucking nothing.  Now, rather than take my word, or even the great Wiki's word on this, let me use some logic on your skeptical ass.  Genetics are set by the parents and once conceived, there's little to be done to change them (although siRNA treatments of some diseases are working on that, but that's a COMPLETELY different topic).  Now, could a vaccine somehow alter these genetic abnormalities, SPECIFICALLY, chromosomal duplication, deletions, and inversions?  Well, you could make a semi-reasonable argument that the squalene ajuvant in some vaccines could, in theory, cross the blood brain barrier and somehow alter gene expression in the nuclei of developing neurons and somehow cause either chromosomal, gene expression or developmental abnormalities.  BUT, there's a problem with that theory.  The vaccines are, usually, given IM (intra-muscular), meaning that except for what's picked up by antigen presenting cells and carried to lymphnodes, everything injected should stay localized and be removed via the lymphatic system and renal secretion.  What that means in non science talk, is that it goes nowhere near the brain.  AND, even if it did, the crossing of anything over the blood brain barrier is highly regulated.  Now, even if for example, squalene, a non-polar molecule, did somehow skip across the blood-brain barrier, the quantity delivered in a vaccine would itself be too minute to take any effect, unless, of course, you're one of those people who believes in homeopathic remedies working by some mechanism other than placebo effect, and in which case you'll think that somehow because there was less of it it was more effective.  But my logic using audience will no doubt call "BULLSHIT" on that and recommend your brain be relocated to an individual who will use it properly, treat it with respect, and maybe not try to drown it in stupid juice.  Also, back to squalene, even if it did arrive in the brain, it would only available in a low concentration, which would likely not allow it effectively alter gene expression in more than a handful of neurons.  And that's all vaccines could maybe do as far as genetics and causing autism go.  Not to mention that your body is likely making its own squalene molecules as you're reading this, and probably making some of them in your brain.  So, all we have is a semi-tangible link between a few adjuvants and altering gene expression, but, that does nothing about chromosomal abnormalities which would require a disruption in cell cycle checkpoints that doesn't result in apoptosis or cell cycle senescence for them to develop after birth, BUT, even then, they'd be localized occurances of likely non-functioning neurons and would not be detectable in somatic cell chromosome screening used to identify chromosome abnormalities in autism.  So, again, not really possible.  Not to mention the "neural pruning" that occurs during child development that would likely result in these malfunctioning neurons being killed off anyway.
GENETICS CONCLUSION:  IMPOSSIBLE LINK

Next up.

While I don't consider this face to be
as fugly as many people seem to think,
I also don't consider this the face of
someone with more acting talent than
your average soup spoon.
Also note that this is the only picture
this time.  Because pictures of babies
born blind is not something you really
want to see if you don't have to see it.

Thiomersal.  A organo-mercury compound in some vaccines.  The idea goes that this can cause brain and developmental problems resulting in autism.  Now, let us look at the extremely obvious fact that mercury poisoning and autism are about as closely related as Kristen Stewart and good acting.
CONCLUSION: An idea trumpeted only by idiots, likely those who enjoy twilight and consider it an intellectual masterpiece.

The rest of the causes of autism aren't even vaguely related to vaccines, with causes ranging from autoimmunity with your own antibodies attacking your brain to infections during pregnancy.  None of which have any bearing on vaccines causing autism.  Although, if anything, infection during pregnancy is maybe one of the best reasons for everyone to be immunized to everything, because, well (and I don't recommend you click the link), this happens; that baby is fucking blind and disfigured because it's mother had an active rubella infection while pregnant.  Now, while the mother's antibodies don't necessarily protect the baby from the infection (for reasons more complex that I feel like taking about), protective antibodies to PREVENT the infection can stop this from happening, and HERD IMMUNITY from everyone being immunized can bring the probability of the mother or the child of contracting rubella down to damn near zero.

AND THAT'S WHAT MOST ANTI-VACCINE TYPES DON'T GET.

That herd immunity protects everyone, even those who don't have healthy immune systems--such as AIDS patients, those with chronic inflammation, cancer patients, the elderly, anyone who can't receive immunization for health or religious reasons, and anyone else with an autoimmune disorder.  And that this herd immunity, if consistent over decades, can eliminate these diseases from the general populace- just look at polio.  But stop getting vaccinated, and the disease will reoccur, vaccines only get rid of one part of what's needed for a disease to be epidemic or endemic (disease reservoir, route of transmission, ability to adhere to host, and susceptible host).  Vaccines don't eliminate the disease reservoir or the ability to transmit the disease, they just let our body kick the shit out of the disease the first day of the first time we encounter the disease- we're not giving the disease two weeks to paralyze us, or blind us, kill us, or sterilize us while our immune systems catch up.

So, the next time someone tries to tell you how evil vaccines are, or why your shouldn't get vaccinated, you punch them in the teeth, cause a scene, and make sure everyone knows that person is in favor of dead babies.

Battlefield Muffins: The Continuing Saga

Ok, first off, I promise that I will reference less "Damn Egyptians" this time.  In not-3am retrospect, that sounded very international-incidenty, and, well, not that I think Egypt will do shit, but that I think there are some other countries which are far more fun to poke with the insult stick.  So, off we go then.

FUCK YOU CANADA!

LOOK AT THIS!
You know what this map says you are?
America's Big Damn (Free) Highway to Alaska.
That we don't even bother to use.
Enjoy that thought Canadian taxpayers, enjoy knowing that your
purpose in life is to pay for roads that shuttle bored Americans to Palin-Hell.

Ok, now you're probably wondering why I'm doing a lot of blaming Canada and not a lot of talking about Battlefield Earth.  Well, simply put, if I proceed without having a nationality to blame this movie on it will be like trying to understand Lindsay Lohan without Vodka; see here, Canda is the Vodka, and Battlefield Earth is Lindsay Lohan.  So, clearly, the first revelation of the day, that my genius logic has so kindly provided, is that we need more vodka for this particular Lindsay Lohan.

Although, really.... If B.E. were THIS Lindsay Lohan....
I wouldn't be doing a whole lot of complaining.
But Canada might still owe me Vodka.

Canada, I expect more vodka.  You bribe your Ruskie friends if you have to, but YOU OWE ME.

Yeah, it's because B.E. was THIS Lindsay Lohan.
And this.
This is something worth complaining about.
This is what makes god kill puppies.
Puppies.
And if you look at the picture, you'll see that she, clearly, has stolen my vodka.

So, now that I've established reasoning for both, a.) blaming Canada, and b.) needing more vodka, let us get onto the main attraction:

Now do a shot of that vodka and say it with me:
FUCK YOU CANADA!

Now, where did I leave off last time?  Did I mention the alien takeover?  That they supposedly wiped out all of humanity's military in 9 minutes?  No.  Good.  Cuz that makes no damn sense.  They can't even find fucking cars on fucking roads; and our government can't do anything in under a hour because that's how long it takes a fucking supercomputer to files all the damn paperwork just for wiping your ass after you take a shit.  So, if Logic were still with us, I'm sure he'd have had a stroke or some other horrible death at this point.  But yeah, 9 minutes, and the story revolves around cave men beating them.  This isn't David and Goliath, this is dust-bunny vs. Chuck Norris.

Although....

The aliens are... profit-aliens... and they are led by John Travolta.  So, I'll give 10:1 odds on the bunny.

What it lacks in physical strength and size
it makes up for in crazy.
And teeth.  Look at those fuckers.
Big. Damn. Teeth.
...just like Canadians...

Ok, next point, going back to that whole 'aliens-here-for-gold-and-other-metals' thing.  And this might be me picking too many nits, but, well... ok, I'll tell you this way: you remember the old James Bond movie Goldfinger?  Well, that movie revolved *spoiler alert* around a plot to rob Fort Knox.  Hmm.... Fort Knox... the place where the U.S.ofA. supposedly keeps ALL THE DAMN GOLD, now, there's no way in hell the aliens were dumb enough to have missed that...

It's not precisely.... subtle.
Or camouflaged.
Or hidden.
Or... able to not be noticed.

Oh, wait...

This, again.

Obese, Rastafarian John Travolta-- how did I forget about you, for your ineptitude knows no bounds, rather, I think your ineptitude might need a map of its own, hell, you might even be able to christen it as a sovereign nation.
You missed the big fuck off fort with all the damn gold.

I mean, bloody hell, an 8 year old could
find Ft. Knox with this map.

We even marked it on maps.  We have devices and signs designed to help you find it.  This was supposed to be an idiot proof system.  

But, well, it just goes to show that no matter how many millenia of evolutionary or technological advantage you might have over us mere humans, if you build an idiot proof system, then the universe will build a better idiot- I'm just surprised he's not Canadian.




And now, we come to my next point:

Yes.
My point is Mr. Sir BadassMothaFucker here.

And the fact that cavemen learned to fly this multi-million dollar piece of advanced military technology that takes years of training to fly, and that they accomplished this.... auspicious... feat by dicking around in a flight simulator for a few days.  No training.  No English language. No knowledge of flight.  No understanding the buttins or gauges.  Never even seen one in flight before.  And after a few days in a flight simulator, cavemen were competent military pilots.  Now you, like myself, might be wondering which ancient pagan god the Canadians were sacrificing their grandparents to the day that this trainwreck of an idea was summoned into existence from the abyss of conceptual hell.  But the answer is: lets never know.  How about we have this be one of those problems that our children can solve for us?  That we hope we never again have to face this behemoth in our lifetime?  That we leave our children an apocalyptic wasteland forsaken by logic as their inheritance?  Because, lets face it, neither you, not I, and a Winchester, and much as I might like it, I have no experience with slaying pagan gods; but really, I think this might be one that would even make the Winchesters say "Fuck this shit, we're going home."

And now, ladies and gentle-bastards, I bring you.... The Last Great Canadian Fuck-Up

And now, all you Canadians out there must explain to me how the profit-aliens existed on a world where radiation reacted with their atmosphere so that, um, the planet explodes.  I mean, you do know that, in space, there's radiation, right?  I mean, even bananas are radioactive.  Do they make the atmosphere ignite?  No.  Would that be awesome?  Yes.  But that's beside the point.  Well, not entirely, I think there should an entire branch of science devoted to atmosphere-igniting bananas.  Ok, maybe that was beside the point.  But it would still be pretty epic.  Back to the point.  This movie is based around a scenario that should have prevented the movie, and every Rastafarian profit-alien in its, very existence.  By this movie's own logic it shouldn't have happened.  But it did.  This movie has just become it's own self contained time warp.  Hm, maybe now John Travolta's a trans-dimensional being.... caught in a time warp... that sounds soooo familiar.... where have I heard that before...

ZORDON!!! 
Or, should I say.... Mr. Travolta.
Surely it's no coincidence that they're both transdimensional beings caught in time-warps.
...or who have things for teenages "with attitude", which I'm sure is code for something,
and the more I don't know what that something is, the better.

Muffins for SCIENCE

Yes, children, it's science time. FOX has been running a series called Fringe that sprang from the mind of the one, the only J.J. Abrams. It revolves around a newly formed division of the FBI known as Fringe Division. They deal with occurrences that press the boundaries of science as we know it.

Things start to get hairy when agent Olivia Dunham (played by actress Anna Torv) encounters a biological agent that is like nothing she's ever seen. Agent Phillip Broyles (portrayed by Lance Reddick) approaches her and invites her to join the brand-spankin' new Fringe Division, which is designed to deal with situations just like this one: things that conventional science can't quite explain; things that fall under the heading of "fringe science". They run into Peter Bishop (Josh Jackson) and coerce him into bringing his one-time brilliant, now locked up in the loony bin father Walter Bishop (John Noble). Rounding out the team is agent Astrid Farnsworth (Jasika Nicole) who functions as Walter's right hand woman, doing everything from assisting him in autopsies to tracking down his favorite candies. Together, these five track down and solve events that defy all things that science has told us are fact.

Fringe, at its core, is a science fiction thriller, and a bloody good one at that. The atmosphere is constantly tense with anticipation. However, the writers know how to get a good laugh and not at the expense of the flow of each episode. Fringe manages to incorporate everything necessary to keep the viewers interested AND it crafts characters that have enough flaws to make them feel real and enough hurt and joy to make the viewer sympathize and even empathize with them.

Because this is most obviously the picture of mental health...

In true Abrams style, you spend a lot of time wondering how things will tie together, but fear not! Though it takes some time, things are explained one way or another. The story is fantastic, the writing is amazing, and the directing fits perfectly with the style of the series. Make sure you check out Fringe every Friday night at 9 PM, EST.

Battlefield Muffins

To Preface: I blame those damn Egyptians.

Also, this is what a google search for "Egyptians" returns.
So, congratulations Egyptians, you are officially the first culture
 on Earth to DOODLE yourselves into fucking anonymity and irrelivancy.  

Now, if you happen to be Egyptian, you may have some.... thoughts... going through your mind now, thoughts which you don't understand and aren't comfortable with expressing; no worries mate, I'm not going to try to help you understand your kinky, batshit insane thoughts about catholic school girls and grand pianos.  BUT.  What I will do is explain to you why you should formally apologize before the U.N. and how that connects to those other thoughts which can likely be summarized as "What the FUCK you dumb American internet USB powered CUNT!".

First off, what you did:
Battlefield Earth. (a saga of the year 3000)

And no, I don't really give a fuck that there's no evidence, or even anything that resembles something evidence might have eaten for breakfast, linking you or your peoples to this movie.  Simply put, this movie needs someone to blame, this movie is like the Holocaust in that it needs its Nazi's to make a damn bit of sense, and unfortunately (if you're Egyptian at least) I choose Egyptians to be the Nazi's of 3000 A.D.
Ok, now if you're reading this and have no idea why I think someone needs to be blamed for this movie and made to apologize to the U.N. then you have clearly never seen the movie.  And for that.... all I have to say is... that.... YOU ARE REAL DAMN LUCKY.
I mean, really, WHAT THE FUCK JOHN TRAVOLTA?!?!?!

I don't even know where to start here....
I mean... FUCK.
THEY PLUGGED HIS NOSE INTO HIS FUCKING BRAIN.
What the hell did they expect to happen?

CARS!!  You know, THESE THINGS
That are made of METAL.
The aliens missed them.
How?
Because they're motherfucking idiots.

AND THESE!
They missed these...
Didn't notice that they're
made of metal.
Ya know, the whole
damn reason they
came to our planet?

What I COULD do is tear the movie apart based on its technical.... missteps, such as how half the damn movie looks like it was filmed though blue kool-aid (Because of Egyptians).  But instead what I WILL do is examine the movie based on its, um, "logic".  What the "aliens" came to Earth, in the year Three Fucking Thousand, for is our metals, gold specifically, but they want metal.  And, while goodle image search is failing me, because, well, why would people waste their time loading images from this movie onto the internet, I assure you, there are many-much-mooses worth of scenes in the movie where they're walking through a destroyed city... past cars... cars made of METAL... and buildings... also made largely of METAL.  Also, it might help the alien's cause if they didn't make their fucking post-it notes out of metal.   But hey, they're being lead by giant, overweight, Rastafarian John Travolta with his nose connected to his frontal cortex.  So, really, lets not set our expectations too high here, so we'll pretend we're dealing with Penn-Dot, or Egyptians.  

But... lets not get ahead of ourselves here.  Lets consider the the part where the aliens entire civilization revolves around profits, and that is what drove them here, profits.  Now I realize that money does in fact make the world go round; how else would curve-linear rotation pay for it's equation space in textbooks?  But really?  PROFITS.  They're aliens that wiped out our civilization for... their economy?  DO I, AS THE VIEWER, GIVE HALF OF A RAT'S FLYING FUCK ABOUT ALIEN ECONOMICS?!?!?!?

The answer is no, no fucks are given on that subject.

And yes, the proper response to this pants-on-head retarded premise is to blame the Egyptians.

So now we have aliens that we, as viewers, give 0.00 fucks about, in fact, after the whole cars thing, they might owe us fucks, but I don't work on a street-corner so I don't really know how that works or what the alien:human fuck exchange rate is.  But, from a movie standpoint, never-mind logic at this point, logic became so depressed from being abused and neglected during the making of this movie that he went and crawled inside a breadmaker with a poptart for his final meal (no, it doesn't make sense to me either, but well, logic killed itself, how the fuck do you expect that to make any damn sense?  Oh, wait, you did?  Then you should blame the damn Egyptians).  Ok, back to what I was saying before that bit about logic's depression; profit driven aliens might be the lamest idea ever used to forward a sci-fi action movie since... well... since the idea of John Travolta staring in a sci-fi action movie (again, I blame the fact that this happened on the Egyptians).  And this might not have been such a huge misstep if not for the fact that this movie came out after INDEPENDENCE DAY: the single most patriotic movie about kicking alien ass ever made by mankind.  And it is because of this that B.E. has no excuse, it knew it needed evil aliens, and not just kick-a-puppy evil, I mean a cross of Freddy Kruger and Megatron whose very hair is filamentous hatred; but what it gave us was profit aliens, aliens that are about as evil as Martha-Fucking-Stewart.  I don't think I can even blame the Egyptians on this one.      

This, this is not evil.
This will fuck you up, but just because it can make you need
more years of therapy than reading Twilight doesn't
necessarily make it evil.
Ok, I might have put myself in a difficult position with that statement.
So.......
HERE!

THIS.
THIS HERE.
The second Google Image search result for "evil"
THIS would have been a better villain than profit-aliens.
I mean, really, space-clowns from Soviet Russia
I just scared you shitless making you think about having those as villains.
Because in Soviet Russia clowns space you. 

Ok, I really don't want to end this post with clowns, or space clowns, or even a non-sense soviet russia joke, because, well, fuck clowns, I blame the Serbians for clowns (and no, not Egyptians, they don't have anywhere near the level of batshit insane murder rage to be responsible for clowns).  So HERE:

This is what victory should look like.  A Jew and a black man nuking an entire
alien civilization into component atoms because they fucked with America's
4th of July cookouts.
Oh, and because the aliens took all our rum.  Well, maybe they didn't take it, but they
did burn a lot of it, and that does mean we don't have it anymore.
And well, lets face it, it doesn't matter if you DID come from a few trillion light years away
and have several dozen Cher-lifetimes worth of technology on us and that you DID also manage
to wipe out most of our military while we were having our morning coffee:
If you fuck with Americans burgers and rum, we will fuck you up.
With Mac OS6, nukes, and drunken epiphanys if necessary.
Otherwise, baseball bats and pipe wrenches work fine.
 

League of Muffins

Ok, first off, it doesn't really matter what your opinions, views, or legal codes say about digital property rights; what matters is that the entertainment industry today is vastly different than it was fifteen, ten, or even five years ago.  And this, is one sad fact that most, nay, nearly all, major digital entertainment companies seems to be putting every effort into ignoring.  However, not all companies have stuck their heads in the sand in the hopes that the existence of a post-scarcity entertainment industry will go unnoticed by the masses.  And that brings us to Riot Games.  The fine boys and girls who have enriched our lives by bringing us League of Legends.  

Now, onto what League of Legends is, and why you should care.  

Well, first off, this is what the gameplay kinda looks like.

League of Legends is, technically, a MOBA (Multiplayer Online Battle Arena)- a genre both created, defined and popularized by the Warcraft III mod that you're probably sick of hearing about by now: DotA.  What I might more correctly classify LoL as is this: a stay at home sport.  Why?  Because it plays more like an actual sports match than a typical videogame.  Now, I've also slightly sabotaged my definition by saying "typical videogame" because the obvious response is to simply say that the "stay at home sport" thing is complete bollocks and that it is, simply, an a-typical videogame.  Well, you could reason that way if you want, but honestly, both the gameplay and the meta-game of LoL more closely resemble a hockey season than any other online/multiplayer videogame that exists, except StarCraft but that only counts if you're Korean (ok, and all those other games that are "just-like" LoL, but for sake of argument and the earlier reference to a post-scarcity entertainment industry, I'll ignore them because LoL works better as an example).  

Yes, that is a real LoL champion
and No, sadly it's not actually Articuno.
But hey, that's never stopped me from yelling at it to use ICE BEAM attack in a fight
and it shouldn't stop you either.

As far as gameplay is concerned, league of legends controls similarly to your typical RTS game, except for the part where you control a single unit.  The difference between LoL and an RTS is how you use that unit.  In LoL your unit is a "Hero", or "Champion", or "More-Important-Than-That-Other-Guy" type and you must level them up, make them more powerful, buy items for them, and use their levels, powers and items to pwn the "Heroes" on the other team.   Sounds simple, yes?  Well, if you think so, go play a game (I mean, for fucks's sake, it's free, you should actually go play a game).  Ok, now that you've been raped, called a noob, blamed for single-handedly ruining your entire team's game and for creepily inappropriate relations with the mothers of people you don't know, you'll see how inapplicable "simple" is for describing this game.  What really defines LoL is that every champion plays differently, both in subtle ways and in drastic you-feel-like-you-don't-know-how-to-play-the-game-anymore ways.  And that every champion can be played in more than one "right" way, even if you're called a noob for trying the other ways.  Now this brings about the second level of complexity in LoL's gameplay: because every champion plays differently, every champion has a different role in the TEAM.  Oh, yes, now you're starting to see.  Every player has a different role in furthering the TEAM's goals, and not the INDIVIDUAL's goals.  MUCH LIKE A REAL SPORT.  And, might I add, exactly unlike games such as, oh, I don't know, *cough*halo*cough*.  So now, you not only have multiple champions and playstyles to master, but different roles that you may end up needing to fill.  Oh hey, it's like it's a game that you need to legitimately master to be good at and not some instant-gratification headshot based shooter.  Now isn't that a novelty?

But, gameplay aside, LoL is also doing something else that the 'mainstream' game industry really, really, needs to adopt, particularly on the console level.  

And that thing is FREE.

But yes, you can play as the creepy little girl
that summons a giant ass demon-teddy-bear from hell to tear her enemy's faces off.
So, Articuno: No, Demon-Teddy: Yes
And that was your daily lesson in compromise.

Now, before you start yelling about how online piracy is/is-not stealing or is/is-not related to the flying spaghetti monster, lets get back to that idea of a post-scarcity entertainment industry i mentioned a while ago.  A simple way of explaining what that means is that, if I were to, hypotherically give you a laptop, theoretically unlimited storage and massive internet bandwidth and challenge you to download all of "X" in a year, do you know how much "X" you could download?  If you answered with anything other than ALL OF THE "X".  You're wrong.  And the reason is simple, all you need for getting all of the "whatever the hell you were after that I probably don't want to know about considering that this IS the internet after all" is effectively copy/paste.  Another example is this.  I have music on my computer, imagine that.  Now, as far as digital property rights go, I think I'm technically only supposed to have one copy of an album on here at a time that I legitimately bought (although, even that's debateable as the IRAA has sued people over ripping music off of CD's they've bought onto their computers for their personal use, but, legal insanity and corporate mind-fuxored ass-clowns aside), BUT, what happens if I do copy/paste of the album?  I can haz over 9,000 albums?  YIS!  I CANZ!  But... what did that really gain me?  Jack-shit.  That's what..  Why?  because ANYONE can do that.  Would it make sense?  No.  But point is, digital media costs effectively nothing to reproduce.  There's no manufacturing costs, no personnel involved, just copy/paste.  And this is what's killing the mainstream digital entertainment industry: people have realized this.  And more importantly, people have realized that paying a massive one-time lump sum of money for something that costs effectively nothing to make and can be acquired for free, is kinda stupid.  UNLESS, that money is buying you, not the costs-less-than-a-cheap-whore to produce ones and zeroes, BUT A SERVICE to accompany those ones and zeroes.  Like, lets just go back a few paragraphs: LoL.  It costs nothing to play, you could play for all eternity and give Riot Games precisely $0.00.  BUT, they also provide a service: the matchmaking.  And, they offer, completely unnecessary stuff for minimal fees, but, it's stuff that appeals to people on a personal level (custom skins for champions, quicker unlocks on stuff, etc.  Nothing necessary for playing the game, but stuff that's either personally appealing or simply convenient), and it's stuff that requires their service to use, therefore, they must pay the fee.  

AND THAT IS THE DIRECTION THE GAMING INDUSTRY NEEDS TO GO.

Because they can only sell us on one-time-massive-fee games that they don't even let us resell for so long when the need to buy the disc is rapidly disappearing and comparable gameplay value can be had for FREE.  Now, this hasn't even touched on the need to buy entire games (i.e. why should I buy ALL of Gears of War 3 if all I want is the campaign and not multiplayer) or (is piracy REALLY stealing-- but please, for the love of all things not-Canadia, DO NOT FUCKING START THAT SHIT HERE)

And on that note, I'm done ranting for the day, and my recommendations are thus:

Play League of Legends, at least give it a shot.

And be mindful of when you're paying money for nothing and doing so for bullshit reasons.  

Oh, and one more thing:

Why?  Because Pikachu does not approve of you and whatever stupid opinion you
were about to post into the comments section.
And no, sadly there isn't a Pikachu champion in Lol....
....YET.

Muffins You Should Watch: Supernatural

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Pawn is BACK. After a summer with little time or access to the interwebs, I have, in fact, returned to educate you on the finer things in the entertainment world! I know you're all used to hearing me rant and rave about music, but I'd like to take this opportunity to broaden your television horizons with one of my favorite shows: Supernatural.

Supernatural, which currently airs on The CW Fridays at 9:00 PM, EST, follows two brothers who hunt the strange and unexplained. They've taken on vampires, werewolves, wendigos, ghosts, demons, and dozens of other ghoulies. Sam and Dean Winchester (yes, they are named after a gun, which makes this show all that much better), cruise around America in their 1967 Impala - yes, this is a badass car - hunting all things supernatural. See how clever they were in naming the series?

Look at that car. LOOK AT IT!

Sam and Dean (played by Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles, respectively), with the help of their long time friend and fellow hunter Bobby Singer (played by Jim Beaver), spend their days impersonating various officers of the law, lawyers, and even priests from time to time in their search for the monsters from our nightmares. They lose sleep, face death, and listen to classic rock all to protect us, the unsuspecting citizens of the world from all of these baddies.

From a production standpoint, Supernatural has all the bells and whistles. The directing is top notch, especially for a TV series, but the writing is what really sells this show for me. It utilizes a dark sense of humor; with its consistently macabre subject matter, they find a way to see the light and even the irony of almost any situation. In addition to the stellar writing, Jared and Jensen act like genuine brothers - the constant bickering, giving each other a hard time, but all the while knowing that they always have each other's backs. Their performance lends a level of believability that is generally missing from television shows today, especially ones with such an outlandish premise like Supernatural.

Bobby, Dean, and Sam. Would you want to mess with them?
No, because they KILL MONSTERS FOR FUN.

The other element of this series that really makes it stand out is the amount of research that was put into it. Whether the Winchesters are facing demons, vampires, werewolves, ghouls, or any number of creatures from myth and legend, the lore is always SPOT ON. The producers, directors, and writers made sure to pull from the actual myths for subject matter. In every episode, they go extremely in depth with the background for every monster they face. That's right, kids, this show is entertaining AND educational!

With Supernatural entering their seventh season this fall, you definitely want to go back and start this show from the very beginning to get all of the background on the Winchester brothers. If you love witty writing, driving stories, and the myths and legends of nightmare, be sure to check out The CW's Supernatural.

Muffiny Haiku Muffins from the Great Land of America Muffins

So, I said we'd be back, and we are.
Also, this is a new post, a new post occuring less than one month after the last one.
You didn't expect that now, did you?
Which leaves it at me:1 and your expectations of me:0
And this also leaves this post resembling a really bad haiku.
Like, a haiku that a dyslexic amnesiac would write.

I think this haiku is about a loan shark
and a fishing expedition gone horribly wrong.
but no one can be sure.

However, just to ensure that I remain the WINNING party, or BI-WINNING, should you prefer.
Let me set some things straight about what you can expect about the update schedule here:
Look at your calender.
Notice all those nice, even, measured intervals.
Those intervals have trained you.
Trained you to expect things at those intervals, in sequence, in a predictable manner even.
Well.
Fuck.
All.
That.
Bullshit.
We have no schedule.
Why?
Because we're trying to help you.
We're trying to help you overcome all that mundane bullshit.
All those safe expectations about what to expect and when.
We're breaking you of habits
Habits you didn't know you had.
Habits that are eating your life away, forcing you to live like an automated drone.
Instead of a human being: spontaneous, free, and full of good ol'
AMERICAN FREEDOM.
CUZ THIS IS FUCKING AMERICA.
FUCK YEAH.

Yeah!  This place.
Well, most of this place.
But, um, mostly just the middle-ish bit.
well kinda lower-middle-ish
and the one bit in the top leftish corner area.
But the rest of those places: fuck 'em.
I didn't even know it was legal to put Russia
 on the same map as America.

Or,
at least that's what I tell myself.
But really,
Lets see you be creative
ON A SCHEDULE.
You'll fail.
And when you do,
you should come back here,
and maybe appreciate this fucking faux-haiku.
And Power-Rangers.
They're definitely underrated.
Respect the Zords.

Or they'll find you.

Room With A Muffin

I said we'd be back.

I told you.

I fucking told you.

And we brought the fucking robot dinosaur viking king.
Why?
To kick your ass if you ask too many questions.
That's 'Why'.

And I would also like to appologize to you, and to start this new season (you didn't know we had SEASONS on this bitch now did you?) off on a classy foot- a SINGULAR classy foot because the other foot is too busy being pants-on-head-retarded and yelling about how it's toes are Daniel Craig's grand kids or some shit.  So, now, on to the appology:

First off.  I appologize for never spelling 'appology' correctly.  Ever.  It's not going to happen, so sit down, shut up, eat some glue sticks and enjoy the nice squiggly red lines that are all over my fucking screen.
And that brings me to point number two:

The less I know about what goes on with these
fuckers, the better.  

I would also like to appologize for all of the motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking website, I assure you that I.T. is looking into it, or eating burritos on company time, or, maybe the snakes are eating those burritos now, but in any case, the burritos are not your problem.  And for the future I just wanted to assure you that I have a dream, a dream where white people, and black people, and even all them chinease people, can visit a blog site, and read utter nonsense, and not have snakes fuck their mums.

So.  There.  I appologized, for everything, or at least everything I could think of at the time; NOW ENJOY THE APPOLOGY.

Cuz it's the last fucking one you're going to get this season, and I assure you, some fucked up shit will be said, and if it offends you- too damn bad, you shouldn't have read it.  It's not my fault that future you isn't successful enough or smart enough to have built a time machine to come back and warn you not to read my shit.  That's not my fault, so stop blaming me for your inadequacies, man up, and maybe please your girlfriend for once so that maybe she won't notice how unfortunate future you will be.

So, if you're the type of person who enjoys this kind of fucked up shit, then by all means, RETURN, READ, and feel SUPERIOR to your fellow man or ameoba.  I make no guarantees; this will not make you uncomfortably energetic, you will not gain electrolytes, this has no nutritious value, you will not run like Kenyans, or, knowing our likely reader-base, you likely will not even run like blind triple amputees with third degree burns covering 50% of their body, but it is....

...MADE WITH REAL LIGHTNING!!

This is what I found when I searched for 'Real Lightning'
Does it make sense?
No.
Do I care?
Even more no.
Do I give a shit that that didn't make sense?
I assure you:  I have precisely 0.00 shits to give.

 

Pokemuffins: Part II

Tonight on Pokemuffins, pull up a chair, get yourself a nice cup of tea, and listen to me swear like a sailor whilst playing a video game. I promise I won't reference dogfights.

Oh no, wait, I was busy getting my ass kicked in Dig Dug. Hang on.

Yeeeeeah. Mount Moon. Gonna find myself some space rocks.

Man, they must really hate this ZUBAT guy. Maybe this girl can tell me what the fuck is up with this cave.

OH MAN NO WAY, SHE WOULD RATHER FIGHT THAN TALK. Shit just got reeeeal.

BECAUSE YOU SUCK.

And by "fossils", you must mean methamphetamine. Because everyone here is fucking tweaked.

But whatever. I have no time to waste on you, Iris. Go smoke your fossils behind a portable toilet and talk to someone who gives a crap. Rarg told me to find myself a Geodude so I can smash some shit up, so it's off on a kidnapping hunt we go. I keep imagining that once I find one it'll be wearing sunglasses and talk about geology and be smoking a joint, asking if I want to drive around in a Jeep Wrangler and listen to Phish. We can start a jam band and go to Ohio and -

OH SHIT. Someone has stolen his Jeep.

Time to fight my battles and help me repay that gambling debt.

Smells like... victory.

I don't know who the fuck throws rocks with giant fists at each other and still has friends after they've gotten out of the hospital. That thing is 44 motherfucking pounds.

This Geodude is a ladydude. Unfortunately "Anwar Sadat" is an entirely unsuitable name, so we'll go with Pawn's choice of "Little Dickens".

This can't be anything other than totally appropriate, I'm sure.