Battlefield Muffins: The Continuing Saga

Ok, first off, I promise that I will reference less "Damn Egyptians" this time.  In not-3am retrospect, that sounded very international-incidenty, and, well, not that I think Egypt will do shit, but that I think there are some other countries which are far more fun to poke with the insult stick.  So, off we go then.

FUCK YOU CANADA!

LOOK AT THIS!
You know what this map says you are?
America's Big Damn (Free) Highway to Alaska.
That we don't even bother to use.
Enjoy that thought Canadian taxpayers, enjoy knowing that your
purpose in life is to pay for roads that shuttle bored Americans to Palin-Hell.

Ok, now you're probably wondering why I'm doing a lot of blaming Canada and not a lot of talking about Battlefield Earth.  Well, simply put, if I proceed without having a nationality to blame this movie on it will be like trying to understand Lindsay Lohan without Vodka; see here, Canda is the Vodka, and Battlefield Earth is Lindsay Lohan.  So, clearly, the first revelation of the day, that my genius logic has so kindly provided, is that we need more vodka for this particular Lindsay Lohan.

Although, really.... If B.E. were THIS Lindsay Lohan....
I wouldn't be doing a whole lot of complaining.
But Canada might still owe me Vodka.

Canada, I expect more vodka.  You bribe your Ruskie friends if you have to, but YOU OWE ME.

Yeah, it's because B.E. was THIS Lindsay Lohan.
And this.
This is something worth complaining about.
This is what makes god kill puppies.
Puppies.
And if you look at the picture, you'll see that she, clearly, has stolen my vodka.

So, now that I've established reasoning for both, a.) blaming Canada, and b.) needing more vodka, let us get onto the main attraction:

Now do a shot of that vodka and say it with me:
FUCK YOU CANADA!

Now, where did I leave off last time?  Did I mention the alien takeover?  That they supposedly wiped out all of humanity's military in 9 minutes?  No.  Good.  Cuz that makes no damn sense.  They can't even find fucking cars on fucking roads; and our government can't do anything in under a hour because that's how long it takes a fucking supercomputer to files all the damn paperwork just for wiping your ass after you take a shit.  So, if Logic were still with us, I'm sure he'd have had a stroke or some other horrible death at this point.  But yeah, 9 minutes, and the story revolves around cave men beating them.  This isn't David and Goliath, this is dust-bunny vs. Chuck Norris.

Although....

The aliens are... profit-aliens... and they are led by John Travolta.  So, I'll give 10:1 odds on the bunny.

What it lacks in physical strength and size
it makes up for in crazy.
And teeth.  Look at those fuckers.
Big. Damn. Teeth.
...just like Canadians...

Ok, next point, going back to that whole 'aliens-here-for-gold-and-other-metals' thing.  And this might be me picking too many nits, but, well... ok, I'll tell you this way: you remember the old James Bond movie Goldfinger?  Well, that movie revolved *spoiler alert* around a plot to rob Fort Knox.  Hmm.... Fort Knox... the place where the U.S.ofA. supposedly keeps ALL THE DAMN GOLD, now, there's no way in hell the aliens were dumb enough to have missed that...

It's not precisely.... subtle.
Or camouflaged.
Or hidden.
Or... able to not be noticed.

Oh, wait...

This, again.

Obese, Rastafarian John Travolta-- how did I forget about you, for your ineptitude knows no bounds, rather, I think your ineptitude might need a map of its own, hell, you might even be able to christen it as a sovereign nation.
You missed the big fuck off fort with all the damn gold.

I mean, bloody hell, an 8 year old could
find Ft. Knox with this map.

We even marked it on maps.  We have devices and signs designed to help you find it.  This was supposed to be an idiot proof system.  

But, well, it just goes to show that no matter how many millenia of evolutionary or technological advantage you might have over us mere humans, if you build an idiot proof system, then the universe will build a better idiot- I'm just surprised he's not Canadian.




And now, we come to my next point:

Yes.
My point is Mr. Sir BadassMothaFucker here.

And the fact that cavemen learned to fly this multi-million dollar piece of advanced military technology that takes years of training to fly, and that they accomplished this.... auspicious... feat by dicking around in a flight simulator for a few days.  No training.  No English language. No knowledge of flight.  No understanding the buttins or gauges.  Never even seen one in flight before.  And after a few days in a flight simulator, cavemen were competent military pilots.  Now you, like myself, might be wondering which ancient pagan god the Canadians were sacrificing their grandparents to the day that this trainwreck of an idea was summoned into existence from the abyss of conceptual hell.  But the answer is: lets never know.  How about we have this be one of those problems that our children can solve for us?  That we hope we never again have to face this behemoth in our lifetime?  That we leave our children an apocalyptic wasteland forsaken by logic as their inheritance?  Because, lets face it, neither you, not I, and a Winchester, and much as I might like it, I have no experience with slaying pagan gods; but really, I think this might be one that would even make the Winchesters say "Fuck this shit, we're going home."

And now, ladies and gentle-bastards, I bring you.... The Last Great Canadian Fuck-Up

And now, all you Canadians out there must explain to me how the profit-aliens existed on a world where radiation reacted with their atmosphere so that, um, the planet explodes.  I mean, you do know that, in space, there's radiation, right?  I mean, even bananas are radioactive.  Do they make the atmosphere ignite?  No.  Would that be awesome?  Yes.  But that's beside the point.  Well, not entirely, I think there should an entire branch of science devoted to atmosphere-igniting bananas.  Ok, maybe that was beside the point.  But it would still be pretty epic.  Back to the point.  This movie is based around a scenario that should have prevented the movie, and every Rastafarian profit-alien in its, very existence.  By this movie's own logic it shouldn't have happened.  But it did.  This movie has just become it's own self contained time warp.  Hm, maybe now John Travolta's a trans-dimensional being.... caught in a time warp... that sounds soooo familiar.... where have I heard that before...

ZORDON!!! 
Or, should I say.... Mr. Travolta.
Surely it's no coincidence that they're both transdimensional beings caught in time-warps.
...or who have things for teenages "with attitude", which I'm sure is code for something,
and the more I don't know what that something is, the better.