Battlefield Muffins

To Preface: I blame those damn Egyptians.

Also, this is what a google search for "Egyptians" returns.
So, congratulations Egyptians, you are officially the first culture
 on Earth to DOODLE yourselves into fucking anonymity and irrelivancy.  

Now, if you happen to be Egyptian, you may have some.... thoughts... going through your mind now, thoughts which you don't understand and aren't comfortable with expressing; no worries mate, I'm not going to try to help you understand your kinky, batshit insane thoughts about catholic school girls and grand pianos.  BUT.  What I will do is explain to you why you should formally apologize before the U.N. and how that connects to those other thoughts which can likely be summarized as "What the FUCK you dumb American internet USB powered CUNT!".

First off, what you did:
Battlefield Earth. (a saga of the year 3000)

And no, I don't really give a fuck that there's no evidence, or even anything that resembles something evidence might have eaten for breakfast, linking you or your peoples to this movie.  Simply put, this movie needs someone to blame, this movie is like the Holocaust in that it needs its Nazi's to make a damn bit of sense, and unfortunately (if you're Egyptian at least) I choose Egyptians to be the Nazi's of 3000 A.D.
Ok, now if you're reading this and have no idea why I think someone needs to be blamed for this movie and made to apologize to the U.N. then you have clearly never seen the movie.  And for that.... all I have to say is... that.... YOU ARE REAL DAMN LUCKY.
I mean, really, WHAT THE FUCK JOHN TRAVOLTA?!?!?!

I don't even know where to start here....
I mean... FUCK.
THEY PLUGGED HIS NOSE INTO HIS FUCKING BRAIN.
What the hell did they expect to happen?

CARS!!  You know, THESE THINGS
That are made of METAL.
The aliens missed them.
How?
Because they're motherfucking idiots.

AND THESE!
They missed these...
Didn't notice that they're
made of metal.
Ya know, the whole
damn reason they
came to our planet?

What I COULD do is tear the movie apart based on its technical.... missteps, such as how half the damn movie looks like it was filmed though blue kool-aid (Because of Egyptians).  But instead what I WILL do is examine the movie based on its, um, "logic".  What the "aliens" came to Earth, in the year Three Fucking Thousand, for is our metals, gold specifically, but they want metal.  And, while goodle image search is failing me, because, well, why would people waste their time loading images from this movie onto the internet, I assure you, there are many-much-mooses worth of scenes in the movie where they're walking through a destroyed city... past cars... cars made of METAL... and buildings... also made largely of METAL.  Also, it might help the alien's cause if they didn't make their fucking post-it notes out of metal.   But hey, they're being lead by giant, overweight, Rastafarian John Travolta with his nose connected to his frontal cortex.  So, really, lets not set our expectations too high here, so we'll pretend we're dealing with Penn-Dot, or Egyptians.  

But... lets not get ahead of ourselves here.  Lets consider the the part where the aliens entire civilization revolves around profits, and that is what drove them here, profits.  Now I realize that money does in fact make the world go round; how else would curve-linear rotation pay for it's equation space in textbooks?  But really?  PROFITS.  They're aliens that wiped out our civilization for... their economy?  DO I, AS THE VIEWER, GIVE HALF OF A RAT'S FLYING FUCK ABOUT ALIEN ECONOMICS?!?!?!?

The answer is no, no fucks are given on that subject.

And yes, the proper response to this pants-on-head retarded premise is to blame the Egyptians.

So now we have aliens that we, as viewers, give 0.00 fucks about, in fact, after the whole cars thing, they might owe us fucks, but I don't work on a street-corner so I don't really know how that works or what the alien:human fuck exchange rate is.  But, from a movie standpoint, never-mind logic at this point, logic became so depressed from being abused and neglected during the making of this movie that he went and crawled inside a breadmaker with a poptart for his final meal (no, it doesn't make sense to me either, but well, logic killed itself, how the fuck do you expect that to make any damn sense?  Oh, wait, you did?  Then you should blame the damn Egyptians).  Ok, back to what I was saying before that bit about logic's depression; profit driven aliens might be the lamest idea ever used to forward a sci-fi action movie since... well... since the idea of John Travolta staring in a sci-fi action movie (again, I blame the fact that this happened on the Egyptians).  And this might not have been such a huge misstep if not for the fact that this movie came out after INDEPENDENCE DAY: the single most patriotic movie about kicking alien ass ever made by mankind.  And it is because of this that B.E. has no excuse, it knew it needed evil aliens, and not just kick-a-puppy evil, I mean a cross of Freddy Kruger and Megatron whose very hair is filamentous hatred; but what it gave us was profit aliens, aliens that are about as evil as Martha-Fucking-Stewart.  I don't think I can even blame the Egyptians on this one.      

This, this is not evil.
This will fuck you up, but just because it can make you need
more years of therapy than reading Twilight doesn't
necessarily make it evil.
Ok, I might have put myself in a difficult position with that statement.
So.......
HERE!

THIS.
THIS HERE.
The second Google Image search result for "evil"
THIS would have been a better villain than profit-aliens.
I mean, really, space-clowns from Soviet Russia
I just scared you shitless making you think about having those as villains.
Because in Soviet Russia clowns space you. 

Ok, I really don't want to end this post with clowns, or space clowns, or even a non-sense soviet russia joke, because, well, fuck clowns, I blame the Serbians for clowns (and no, not Egyptians, they don't have anywhere near the level of batshit insane murder rage to be responsible for clowns).  So HERE:

This is what victory should look like.  A Jew and a black man nuking an entire
alien civilization into component atoms because they fucked with America's
4th of July cookouts.
Oh, and because the aliens took all our rum.  Well, maybe they didn't take it, but they
did burn a lot of it, and that does mean we don't have it anymore.
And well, lets face it, it doesn't matter if you DID come from a few trillion light years away
and have several dozen Cher-lifetimes worth of technology on us and that you DID also manage
to wipe out most of our military while we were having our morning coffee:
If you fuck with Americans burgers and rum, we will fuck you up.
With Mac OS6, nukes, and drunken epiphanys if necessary.
Otherwise, baseball bats and pipe wrenches work fine.