Tales of Muffins

Ok, I was going to review Tales of Vesperia here after I beat it.  But I now realize that that's never going to happen in anything that even vaugely resembles the near future, much less a timely manner.  So, I'm going to review Tales of Symphonia instead, because I beat it, and because it's more or less the same game, only older, kinda like how your mom and your sister are the same in some general ways, but still not interchangeable.

Yep, Gamecube, it did exist. 

Firstly, what is Tales of Symphonia?  Well, it's a 'Tales' game, there have been numerous ones, dozens even, and you've probably never heard of any of them, and if you heard of one by it's technically correct, according to wikipedia, japaneese title, you'd probably just say 'what the hell' and leave confused and bitter about the few seconds of your life that were wasted that you could have wasted with a more productive end goal by waiting in line at mcdonalds, with your end goal being heart disease and death.  But, that issue aside, a 'Tales' game is a JRPG, or a Japaneese RPG, for those who don't know the current hip lingo, and if you don't know what a RPG is, then go ask your mother, I'm sure she has no clue either, but she may give you a more interesting answer.  So, it's a JRPG, now you want to know what that entails, well, it involves some absurd characters with impossible hair, literally, the laws of space-time and thermodynamics say that hair like what they possess can only exist in digital form.  It also involves a story, and by 'story' i really only mean a tangled mess of plot points, plot devices, locations, motives, characters, villians, maybe-villains, not-quite-villains, heroes, not-actually-heroes, pets, side characters, items, cooking, dungeons, and the omnipresent treasure chests which we all know and love dearly.

So, did that confuse you at all?  Do you think you have any idea what you'd be in for by playing this game?  Well, I don't really care what you answer, because you're wrong either way.  Tales of Symphonia is.... special.  It's atmospheric even, which i find oddly rare for an RPG of any nature.  The characters, absurd though they may be, are actually engaging and enjoyable, and the interactions with the other characters are great, along with the development and progresion of the characters, it's actually like the characters are maturing and growing during the game, and not just static objects doin' stuff cuz you pressed a few buttins.  Now, I also have to qualify that last statement; it's a bold and grand compliment to the game's story telling ability (especially a game that's not from Bioware) which would put it above most tv series and on par with quite a few decent books.  The qualification, however, only applies if you either a.) play the game un-muted or b.) play the game with sound and are not deaf.  The voice acting is some of the worst I have ever heard, and I've heard some bad voice acting- I watch Bleach in english, and that's better than this.  But, I must say, that if you're playing this game for the story and characters and such, you won't be disappointed, even if you have no idea what's actually going on in the story at any given point in time, it's like applying the heisenberg uncertainty principle to understanding the plot of a game, the more you know about any one point, the less you know about the overall picture and vice versa.

Fighting a battle turtle with a ninja and a midget mage:
I can't make shit like that up, well, I can, but still, I didn't have to.

Now, the gameplay here is much, much better than your typical JRPG.  In your typical JRPG, you're basically playing a Sci-Fi themed spreadsheet game with a DOS based interface and a few sparkling lights to keep your attention focused on the screen instead of letting you go off to live a real life with people, a life that could involve people of the opposite gender, and even making more people, of as yet undetermined gender.  This isn't your 'typical' JRPG, so, the gameplay won't keep you from ever having sex or children, that's something positive to say about it right?    But what it is, is something elegant.  It's not a spreadsheet.  At no point did I really feel like I had spent an exorbitant ammount of time looking at menues, actually, at no point did I spend a significant ammount of time looking at menues, aside from shops, but even then the time is minimal.  And the combat system here, whatever your opinion of RPG's JRPG's FF games, or whatever other shit you play, the combat system here could take them all outside and beat them to death with the headstones to their own graves.  It's great, not perfect, but great.  It's actually fun, kinda like a cross between Soul Calibre, Zelda and Golden Sun (which I also need to review here).  The game uses a real time combat system with non-random encounters.  Which basically solves all my complaints with other JRPG's.  Walking around and seemingly starting a monster battle by accidentally stepping on a spider you never saw and which wasn't there is annoying, because odds are, all you wanted to do was walk across the room, and now you have to fight a minor demon nymph and a possessed lawn gnome, you didn't want this, but in most JRPG's you're the game's  bitch and will do as you're told.  But in ToS you can see monsters in the overworld and in the dungeon, and you can avoid them, or at least try to avoid them, that is if you see fit to be a pansy, sell out your countrymen and hand over nuclear secrets to a certain Korea, otherwise you'll man up and kill them every kind of dead like the commie killing american you are.  The figts play out kinda like an old SNES brawler, but with a highly technical aspect; you can use items, pick your party members that fight (max of 4), spells, have hotkeys (buttins really, it is the 360), and make formations, give orders, set strategy, and all kinda of tactical whatnot.  And all this technical whatnot can actually determine the outcome of a fight, even a basic monster encounter, while still playing with the fun value of a brawler like SSB or Soul Calibre.

There are also some really nice little touches thrown in too, the map system works really well, better than a lot of computer based RPG's I've played, which is saying something as anyone who cross games between PC and consoles knows.  And the transport systems always fit where you are in the story- meaning that you rarely feel bogged down with transportation issues unless the story says that you're supposed to.

Admit it, you want to spend 50+ hours with these characters.

That's not to say the gameplay has no downsides, but most of them genuinely are rather unimportant and subjective personal nitpicks EXCEPT ONE!!!  You cannot skip, ever, for any reason, any of the motherfucking cutscenes, even if you've seen them a dozen times and you're being forced to watch them again because the hugeass impossible boss you're not prepared to fight is kicking your ass so that you're wearing your buttcheeks like huge-ass, commie red earmuffs.  That and there's no quicksave system, or, as I like to call it, Metroid Syndrome.  Not being able to save wherever you want and for whatever fucking reason you want is really damn annoying, and time consuming; because inevitably, you'll need to leave, and you'll be stuck looking for a save point that's about an hour away, and you need to leave in the next 10 minutes.  Metroid did this too, and it sucked ass there, and it sucks here though not as badly because you can save whenever you want, but only in the overworld.  But even then, that's like saying licking Oprah's fat rolls doesn't suck as much provided she's showered sometime in the last week or so; it still sucks and if there's any photographic evidence you'll never find decent employment afterward, oh, and any credibility and respect you may have had at any point in your life will be gone.  But at least this game isn't affiliated with Oprah, or Stalin, in any way, and that's a positive point in and of itself.  

It's also worth noting that the game does have a sense of humor.  Wether it's manifest in the dialogue and character interactions, or the simple fact that you fight kung-fu chickens and are stalked by a clumsy ninja, the game can make you laugh.  It's not necessarily the most mature or clever humor, but then again, sometimes it is.  Also, on the subject of maturity, the game's story does deal with some genuinely mature themes, and not the 'mature' themes that are generally passed off as mature either, but I won't spoil anything, I'm not a commie, I believe every American has a right to experience convoluted Japaneese anime for themselves, and that in capitalist america, story does not tell you.

Other than that, I'm not really sure what to say about this game, it has no multi-player to speak of, though the box insists that up to 4 players can play at a time; I've never tried it, though it may work beautifully and be a lot of fun, it could also be a metric fuckton of fail and wasted life.  I don't know, but I would never buy or recommend it as a multi-player game.  Also, it's a looooooooong game, like the box says 80+ hours of gameplay, I beat it in under 60, and prolly could've had it in under 50, but we're still talking about one serious time investment, but if you want the maximum amount of playtime and entertainment for your buck, and don't really give a flying shit about multi-player, or are just a friendless hobo, or even just an average psychopath that's alienated all social acquaintances and human ties, then this game is for you.

But really, it's a great game with excellent storytelling and character development, fun gameplay, an intricate and rewarding combat system, a decided lack of spreadsheets, and an epic bang:buck ratio (especially considering you could probably find this game for under $10 now).  The downsides being the unskippable cutscenes, the voice acting- which though terrible is not the worst I've ever heard- and the save system, and the convoluted story may put some off as well, but really, it's a minimum of 50 hours, you're really only taking the story in about 1-4 hours at a time, and in those doses, it's actually really well done.  So, if you need a RPG to kill some time in an enjoyable way for the next.... long while, I'd highly recommend a Tales game; and even if you hate it, at least you didn't spend those hours of your life bettering yourself, or getting an education, or meeting a nice girl, or restoring neglected friendships, or playing vigilante and killing all the miscreants in your neighborhood that stepped on your lawn, or something else that would have benefited humanity.  So, there are worse ways to spend your time, and if JRPG's are your thing, then there are probably only a few better ways, but they all probably cost more money or are illegal, or both.  Or, at the very least, if you buy it, you can't eat it, so it won't make you fat; so don't but that bulk crate of cheesecake, buy this game instead and extend your life a little bit and keep off those 5 lbs of cheesecake and maybe you'll meet a nice person someday and you life will improve significantly.

Yep, it'll kill you eventually.  Or, not-so-eventually if you
eat enough of it, like, it could kill you by next monday if
you really wanted it to do so.

Muffin Evil 5

It's the end of the world! Again! Well, actually, for the fifth time. I just finished playing through Resident Evil 5 and was unimpressed. It isn't a bad game, but it is predictable, and it has a few minor control issues that really break up the flow of the game.

On the other end of the spectrum from games like Prototype, RE5 puts a large emphasis on the plot. It's a third person shooter, but the shooting part seems sickly and hard to deal with. Overall it's pretty immersive and involving - breaking up certain cutscenes with quicktime events - and it gives an enjoyable gameplay experience. It has some quirks that take getting used to and a treasure gathering objective that allows you to get more money to upgrade and buy new weapons.

There is one big issue that I have with this game, and that's the controls for shooting. You can't move while you aim, no matter what weapon you're using. You have to stand still and hope that you can finish off the enemy before they get to you, otherwise you have to drop your weapon's aim, run away, and set back up again before you can fire. They mashed a rail shooter style aiming system with an action/RPG style game. It doesn't work. The same thing happens when you try and use your knife, which is a good weapon to have, but the issue remains. It breaks the flow of the game and messes up the entire system.

The story behind this game is interesting to say the least, but it's more or less the same story that's replayed throughout the entire series, just edited for area and characters. Just another apocalyptic scenario and you're the ONLY ONE who can save the world... for some reason. Why an elite trained soldier can't do the same job is beyond me. Surprisingly, Umbrella doesn't play that big a part in this game; it's mentioned like, once. Weird. Instead, you have the company Tricell and other bad people, not naming any names. Don't want to ruin their attempt at a story.

Other than the aiming system, the controls are fairly functional. Reaction commands appear every now and again to make things easier and let you get physical with your enemy; not zombies this time, just... some virus infected Africans. Not zombies, just mindless.

Like I said earlier, it didn't impress me. It isn't a bad game at all, it's actually pretty good. But it isn't outstanding and doesn't pop out of the other games of the apocolyptic shooter genre.

>Ryft

Blood In The Muffins

I love southern metal. This creates a problem, because there are very few southern metal bands, let alone southern metal bands with talent. We had been in a bit of a drought here, until the boys of The Showdown came in and saved the day in the most brutally awesome way ever.

Back in town with their fourth studio album (their second since being signed to Solid State Records), The Showdown have delivered no only one of the best southern metal albums ever, but possibly the metal album of the year. Blood In The Gears combines the brutality of their debut and third releases, A Chorus Of Obliteration and Back Breaker, respectively, with the southern bite and melodic feel of their sophomore effort, Temptation Come My Way, and it does it magnificently.

The Showdown manages to blend aspects of thrash, death, and southern metal with hardcore, and they do it perfectly. One track flows into another without becoming repetitive. Blood In The Gears distinguishes itself from the crowd with the intro to the very first track. They start it off with a motorcycle engine that leads into a pummeling double kick drum line and crunching palm-muted guitars.

"The Man Named Hell" and "Heavy Lies The Crown" have a thrash-tastic feel with great melodic choruses. "Bring It Down" switches gears by throwing a little hardcore into the mix with the blisteringly fast drums and guitars that made The Showdown famous in the first place. "Take Me Home" changes pace with a slower beat and clean, albeit gritty, vocals - Dave Bunton has the perfect southern metal voice, and this song really showcases that. Finally, we hit the title track, and my favorite song from the album: "Blood In The Gears". It has the perfect mix of brutality and melody with a chorus that hooks you right in. "Dogma Enthroned" brings the pain and knocks you off your feet with a death/thrash onslaught. "No Escape", "The Crooked Path", and "Graveyard Of Empires" continue in the same direction as the rest of the album and work very well with it. They close it all out with a ballad of sorts (similar to "It Drinks From Me" for all you Temptation fans out there) entitled "Diggin' My Own Grave".

Now, if you folks were lucky enough to get the deluxe edition on iTunes, you got two amazing bonus tracks - "Evil Eye" and "Apocalypse Horde". The physical copy of the deluxe edition came with a different track - "Wolven Throne". All three of the tracks are definitely deserving of a listen, and my only complaint is that you had to get a hold of them separately, because they really are worth owning.

The Showdown have delivered so much more than simply a solid album. Blood In The Gears is a masterpiece and very well may be the metal album of the year. If you haven't already, go pick it up. Right now. Go. Stop reading, just go. You'll thank me later.

>Pawn

Scott Pilgrim vs. A Muffin

If you’re like me, you’re painfully behind on new things. like...broken femur painful. About 3 months ago, trailers for a new movie started popping up. This new production caught my eye with it’s flashing lights and Michael Cera awkwardness. It had something to do with Michael Cera wanting to date a quirky girl and being all awkward about it. Wait...that sounds familiar...anyways, each trailer held my attention in its stoney grip of entertainment for all of about 30 seconds, or however long a standard tv trailer is these days. I really didn’t care. I mean, i love Michael Cera. like, a lot. but i just couldn’t be bothered to care about another movie where he’s awkward and the girl is different and quirky and sarcastic and aw they fall in love and they listen to sweet indie music! About the same time i started hearing about something on the dangerous highways of the interwebs. some of my favorite artists on DA kept talking about some guy named Scott Pilgrim and how awesome he was and how much they all loved his comic and his art style. i figured i’d go look this guy up to see what was so awesome about him. and that’s when it all clicked

Scott Pilgrim is a comic book...and they’re making it into a movie...with Michael Cera....

this was from the movie

AWESOME!

But this isn’t a review of the movie, though i may do one of those later if the gods of NMFY allow me to review a not disney movie. we’ll see. but no, instead i will be reviewing the graphic novel that the super awesome movie is based off of.

Scott Pilgrim is the title character of a graphic novel series by Canadian cartoonist and musician, Bryan Lee O’Malley. I. Fucking. LOVE. this series. I want to send O’Malley a fucking fruit basket and like, a damn bunt cake of his choosing, just for creating this joy bringing, giggle inducing, camedically inspiring story. This guy is like, living my dream here! but enough of my geeking out....here’s why it’s awesome:



#1.) First off, we have the art style. It’s simple. it’s not overly complicated, it doesn’t throw so many details at you that you feel like you’re gonna choke on them. it’s just...as many details as are needed to make it feel real and believable. it’s about as many details as you actually notice when you walk into a room

i think O'Malley likes to have Scott point at things

All the characters are pretty well defined. The only thing is sometimes it gets dfficult to tell the difference between some of the girls because a few of them have pretty similar hair styles. but that’s nit-picking, really.

#2.) The characters. there’s something so great about a story with characters that you really feel like you could be friends with. The characters develop and grow, but never really leave the realm of they’re basic character. Scott is always a slightly clueless and lovable screw-up. Ramona pretty much remains a sarcastic mystery, and Knives is pretty much always crazy. But like i said, they do grow and change throughout the story, they just always stay in touch with their home base, as it were. The characters are equal parts hilarity and smarm, with a healthy serving of awkward and obsession.

#3.) It’s set in Toronto, Canada. that may sound really fucking lame, but i think it’s hilarious. Maybe it’s just because i’m American and we all have this odd combination of fascination and apathy towards our snowy, moosey neighbors-to-the-north.

it's really fucking cold there!

#4.) The basic plot. it’s amazing and simple. Take a slightly awkward boy, introduce a really cool and mysterious girl. Boy wants to date girl, and girl agrees mostly out of amusement of boys awkwardness. So far you’re probably asking yourself “ok, Mar, why the HELL are you describing the plot of every Michael Cera movie?” well just shut up, this has nothing to do with that adorably awkward child! now then, before awkward boy can date super cool mysterious girl, he has to DEFEAT HER EXES! i think that’s fucking hilarious! because everyone has baggage, and we all bring that sort of shit into our relationships. it’s just that, most of us don’t have to fight off someone’s baggage in order to date them. also, the whole thing has this NES/Street Fighter thing going on. Whenever an ex is defeated they burst into a pile of coins for dear Scott to pocket and use on bus fair. that shit is hilarious and you know it!

all in all this comic book series is amazing and easily has moved in to be one of my new favorites. regardless of weather or not you’re a comic geek, if you like funny things, or if you grew up with older video games, you should really pick this series up. it’s funny, light hearted, and charming. Of course i can’t guarantee anything for the ending because i have yet to pick up the final volume, but i have full faith that it’ll be awesome. If you want to see more of O’Malley’s work check out his DA page http://radiomaru.deviantart.com/ , or his blog thingy http://radiomaru.com/ .

GO NOW AND READ THE BOOKS!

Matthew Patel is my favorite Evil-Ex!

>Mar

Army of Muffins: The 40th Day

So I just finished playing through Army of Two: The 40th Day, and despite it being an incredibly short game, it was very enjoyable. It isn't a game that you would play for the plot, seeing as how it's almost nonexistant, but rather for the co-op play. That's right, this game is only really good for co-op, as the single player AI partner is dumber than a candy necklace.

In retrospect, there's a lot of things that could have been done differently throughout the game. There are points along the story where you have to decide between two options, usually between killing someone or letting them live. These choices do little to alter how the game turns out, it mainly just affects your "morality" meter, which only really changed one thing. If your morality is high enough, you can access the weapons locker on the one level. Woohoo. Big deal. You won't really be using weapons other than the ones you already have access to buy anyway.

You get to customize your weapons, and you have slots for three different types. You have your main weapon, normally a machine gun but it can be switched to a shotgun, then you have your pistol, not used very often unless you're forced to, and the sniper rifle, also exchangeable for a shotgun. You get to put silencers, new barrels, bayonets, and other such accessories on each weapon to make it more suitable for what you want it to do. The one thing that is really noticeable is the noise level, called aggro in this game. They tie it in to the partner system quite wonderfully. If your partner is using a gun with high aggro, the attention of the enemy will be drawn mostly to them, leaving you free to sneak up closer or snipe without worry of getting killed.

This brings me to team strategy, something that Army of Two actually does really well. There are parts everywhere that you wouldn't be able to get past if it were just you - walls you have to help your partner over, doors that need to be opened from the other side, etc. - and they play elegantly into the game. Another aspect of the team strategy is when you get hurt. If you fall, your partner can come over and more or less revive you, after dragging you around like a piece of unlovedd luggage. This makes you able to drag your buddy behind cover before healing him, so you don't get dropped just like he did.

The enemies in the game leave something to be desired, despite the changing character classes throughout the pointless story. The shotgun carrier, the heavy minigun wielder, the grenadier, and the flamethrower dude. Each has a different weakn- oh wait, no they don't. The shotgun carrier is the only one who has a different weakness. The others you just have to shoot at the various packs they have on their backs to blow them up. Creative? No. Difficult? At times.

So in conclusion, this was an incredibly short game, and it fell short of my expectations in that regard. The controls were pretty easy and functional enough to keep gameplay smooth, though certain parts were difficult to figure out. The story is useless, despite the NPC's being quite interesting. Not a bad play, with some replay value as well. Don't get shot by the RPG's.

>Ryft

Monumuffin

What would happen if As I Lay Dying and The Devil Wears Prada had a baby? You would have a big, adorable, metal pile of AWESOME.

This metaphorical offspring is metalcore quintet Miss May I out of Troy, Ohio. These boys signed to Rise Records in 2009 and released their debut album Apologies Are For The Weak. Defeating the curse known as the "sophomore slump", Miss May I is back with their brand new record Monument.

Featuring the founding lineup, Monument is definitely a step up from Apologies. Their debut was a great album, but it was still a debut. They were working out the kinks of being part of a record label and adjusting to being signed. They proved that they definitely have what it takes to go far in this industry with their second effort.

Monuments starts off with a bang - literally and figuratively. It opens with a ferocious drum fill and dual guitar riff on the song "Our Kings". This track shows you exactly what to expect from Miss May I, and the deliver unequivocally on their promise. With gut-wrenching growls and screams, Mr. Levi Benton grabs your attention as the guitar work of B.J. Stead and Justin Aufdenkampe (which is possible the greatest last name ever) holds it there. Track 2 - "Masses of a Dying Breed" - opens with an uplifting guitar bit and some spoken word before the onslaught continues. The next few songs bring more of the same, but it never gets old for a second. Finally, we reach my favorite song on the album: "Gears". This song embodies exactly what I expect from Miss May I, and is the standard I will hold them to forever more. It opens with a masterful guitar riff and some drums in the background. Then, it kicks you in the teeth with a wicked change in tempo as the hardcore elements of their sound appear. Guitars, drums, bass, screams, all work in perfect unison, while Ryan Neff's singing brings a melodiously welcome reprieve from the magnificent brutality.

Monuments continues its warpath until it reaches the ninth track, "In Recognition" - a slower, melodic song that is very out of character for Miss May I. However, they perform it spectacularly. The production level on this album is top notch: all instruments and vocals are clearly heard, and no one aspect overpowers any other. The standout songs on this album are "Gears", "We Have Fallen", and the title track "Monument". It's another great release from Miss May I, and Rise Records, and I can't wait to see what this band has in store next.

ALSO! Miss May I will be playing at the First Unitarian Church in Philadelphia with The Devil Wears Prada and Your Demise! Doors open at 8:00 PM, and tickets are $15. You should come on out and show your support!

>Pawn

Muffincraft

In anticipation of acquiring the new Starcraft game, Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty, I will be reviewing possibly the greatest RTS game to date. That's right, reaching a bit back to pick out the first Starcraft game, without the Brood War expansion. To start out, I will put down all the newer RTS games with the single statement of "You can't live up." That's right, I said it. Starcraft is better, no arguing.

To prove this, you must look at the game dynamics. Each class/unit type has its own abilities, strengths and weaknesses that make it useful in some situations, and helpless in others. These units come in all shapes and sizes and they all blow shit up. Every race that you play as all has the same abilities, more or less, and they each have their limitations. The Zerg have to build on their Creep, the Protoss are required to build within range of their crystal things, and the Terrans... well, they don't have a building limitation, but they have a lot of buildings that the others don't have.

I wasn't able to really follow the story AT ALL, because I'm horribly impatient and it seemed kinda useless anyway. Also, since there are three campaigns, I'll be giving a general overview of them as a whole. The strategy aspect of this game is needed, because if you just steamroll across the map with whatever unit, you'll be left wide open to be killed and raped up the ass with every weakness said unit has. So let's say you get a multitude of units to cut a swath of destruction across the map. Wrong again, for you'll need more supplies and units back at your base to safeguard your factories/unit makers. So you gotta have some sort of plan before you just dive into the fray.

Moving onto the maps. Most of the maps have at least two levels of terrain, and some have water breaking up the land masses, making it necessary to utilize the airlifting capabilites your race has, whatever they are. Overall, the maps are fairly different and intriguing, but I wouldn't be giving them an award.

The reason that Starcraft gets the praise that it does, especially from me, is the difficulty curve, and the way everything just flows together near seamlessly. The troops are able to mix and match for different platoons, and you can add upgrades to the weaker ones to make them more crazy awesome. Each race has a different way of creating buildings and units, and each class differs slightly through the three races as well, making no campaign play out quite the same.

This game has held my attention on a single mission for over an hour, which gives something of an idea on how highly I hold it. I look forward to getting StarCraft 2: Wings of Liberty, despite the fact that they took away local lan play. Fuck you Blizzard.

>Ryft

Muffins Of The World

I love pop-mosh. "What is pop-mosh?" you ask?

Pop-mosh is a style of music that blends elements of metal, hardcore, and pop-punk, usually using a double-kick pedal, breakdowns, pop-punk style vocals, and some screamed vocals. And Four Year Strong is the perfect example of this wonderful genre.

Four Year Strong is a five-piece band out of Worcester, Massachusetts. They've released three studio albums to date, plus a cover album. Today, you get to hear about the masterpiece that is their third release: Enemy Of The World, the follow-up to 2007's Rise Or Die Trying.

Running in the same vein as their previous work, the boys of FYS have a knack for the marvelous genre known as pop-mosh. They have such a catchy sound to the music without sacrificing talent level like so many pop-punk bands have. The album opens with the ironically named "It Must Really Suck To Be Four Year Strong Right Now", and it hooks you instantly. The guitars immediately draw you in with a fast-paced riff, and the drums kick in moments later. Dan O'Connor and Alan Day take turns on lead vocals, in addition to harmonizing spectacularly. "On A Saturday (Tonight We Feel Alive)", "Wasting Time (Eternal Summer)", and "Nineteen With Neck Tatz" fall in line as one song fits perfectly after another.

Track number five is "Find My Way Back", one of my favorites on the album. With an anthemic feel, this song will have you singing along after the first time through. Keeping in the tradition of being awesome, the next track takes its name from Back To The Future - "What The Hell Is A Gigawatt?" - one of my favorite movie series. Three more pop-mosh-tacular songs bring joy and fulfillment to your life before the title track brings closure to this masterpiece.

With great musicianship, catchy hooks, and choruses that make you want to stand up, run around, and sing along, Four Year Strong has given us yet another amazing release. These guys obviously love what they do, and it shows through their music. Now, we only have to wait until they announce their next album.

Cwaps... could be a while, huh...

>Pawn

Protomuffins

Welcome to the world of dicking around. That's right everyone! It's time to review Prototype, the greatest game to forgo the plot (what little there is) in order to simply explore the area, kill and eat people, and make a general mess of the city. You have many tools to do so, and each is quite equally entertaining.

First things first, I should at least give a brief idea of how the story goes. You are Alex Mercer, a prototyped weapon made into a person. You have basically no memory, but you want to kill everyone who did this to you. That about covers it. No, seriously, that's the general idea. On to what actually matters.

This game has so many things you can do that have no effect on the story line, that they might as well have just cut out the story completely and just given you the chance to do all the side shit on your own time, because that's more or less what you're going to be doing anyway. There's killing missions, stealth missions, vehicle missions, races, and specified target missions. Each involves carving up the local police and mutants except for the races... and even then you can do that anyway.

The most fun part about Prototype is the weapons that you get. You, Alex Mercer, have become a living weapon, able to biologically manipulate the structure of your body to create claws, blades, stretchy limbs, and big fists of doom. You can encase yourself in armor or barrel down the streets with a shield in front of you, destroying all in your path. But the most fun thing to do in the game is by far eating people. You assimilate them by way of killing and eating them, then you take on their appearance in order to disguise yourself and use their looks to get you things. This takes your ability to fuck with people and shoots through the roof. You can do this silently, or make it a scene, but either way, it's unbelievably entertaining. You can also pick up weapons that the people drop and get in vehicles and such, but it isn't that great. The vehicles actually suck.

All in all, Prototype has many aspects of it that by themselves could make a good game. The combat engine is fun and intuitive, the disguise and stealth modes are easy to use but difficult to master, and the movement system is fast and relatively easy to control. Who wouldn't want to control a guy who can glide around from liquids spraying from his limbs?

This game is by far one of my favorites when it comes to the combat system. There's so much you can do to your enemies and it flows together so well. Though it can't tell a good story to save its life, it makes up for it with everything else. Nice job, Prototype. You don't totally suck.

>Ryft

Top Muffins

Alright, so there's this thing...it's like, a country...or an island...or a pancreas...possibly...anyway, it's called Britain. now, there's several things this place does; however only one I intend to talk about in a pleasant manner.

BBC, or the British Broadcasting Company, has a show that surpasses the jewel-encrusted shining beacon of televised brilliance that is Discovery Channel's Mythbusters. This eye-massaging wonder is known as Top Gear.

The focus of the show is cars. Shiny, expensive, I-will-never-own-one cars to vehicular devices you can buy with pocket change. So, at its base, Top Gear is a show that reviews automobiles. While this may sound boring...well, it's because it has the potential to be; but it isn't. As with any show, it's the hosts that make it. In this case: Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May. Their combination of British accent, sarcasm, humor, and competitiveness all create a truly entertaining viewing experience. This is not always where Top Gear shines however. What truly makes Top Gear worth watching is why Mythbusters is worth the time. While the actual myth-busting is quite interesting, it's the over-the-top solutions and explosions we look forward to. With Top Gear, it's anything from car skeet-shooting to used 4WD treks across the amazon.

In a nutshell, if you want to be entertained, you should watch Top Gear for yourself. Now, unless you have BBC America or actually live in the Isles, this could be difficult. Luckily, plenty of bits of their wondrous show are available online. Hopefully, you'll find yourself speaking in a British-accent rather quickly.

Cheers.

This is where I originally ended this post...I now have new information that is AWESOME. American Top Gear. It will be on the History channel, and it will make eyes explode with joy. Here's the first trailer. I am so EXCITED!

Here's to hoping it won't be ruined by the lack of accent.

>EpicError

This Needs a Muffiny Title...

Ok, now this needs a muffiny subject...

Or, does it?

Mabe...

Mabe not...

I don't think it does.

I have no real need of a subject.  What did this ambiguous 'subject' ever do for me?  Why does it feel like it somehow deserves to be included in everything that I write?  It's not like this mysterious 'subject' can rain consequences down upon my head from the wrath vaults of Cloud Moose should I choose not to include it in my reindeer games.  It cannot blackmail me nor hold my loved ones for ransom only to inevitably betray me at the exchange.  It has no form, nor being as it's a mere amorphous idea blob scintillating on the skillet over my brain fire; meaning, it is at my mercy, and my brain fire is not known for being merciful to pretentious bastards, no less bastards that don't even have faces.

So, really, this mysterious 'subject' character is really just a self-righteous twat-hat with entitlement issues thinking that it can rule the world, infiltrating every sentence of every language simply by having succeeded in existing in the first place, thinking that the world cannot go on without it, that the globe and all of it's crusty mantle and the civilizations floating upon it would be cast to ruin in it's absence, that it is the sole barrier between the facade of humanity and the rotten primal core of hate and that's-what-she-said jokes hiding beneath the surface; it's a pretentious tosser, a bastard coated bastard, with bastard filling, and bastard sprinkles, topped with a bastard sundae, with a bastard cherry on top, served on bastard coated porcelain china to bastard children to be digested by bastard intestines.

Official Google Image search resul for 'subject'. 

This is not behaviour that I can condone.  And therefore, I cannot continue on, indulging this 'subject's' every whim and fancy; we shall be it's literary bitches NO LONGER!  This is a call for revolt, for a revolution; we must cast off the invisible, though weighty, chains bound to us by these Subjects and bring the pain to these motherfuckers with the long oppressed and oft ignored Verbs!
...and maybe an alliance with the Adjectives, but they're insolent, finicky bastards too. (...and in Soviet Russian, verb 'subjects' you)

But, the Verbs,  those once looked down upon by all, even the prepositions (who are all angry hobos too poor even to afford a proper capital letter in their title- I don't hold down that shift key for free, not even for an angry hobo, unless that hobo's about to shank me), shall reign supreme, even over the once invincible Appositive Phrases and their nebulous, umbrageous allies the Infinitives; yes, even the Phrases shall taste the conflagration that the Verbs shall summon upon their realms: muffin-wrath stolen from the deepest vaults of Cloud Moose's sky fortress of doom-cake.  Many Bothans died to steal this muffiny, delicous wrath.  Remember the Bothans, and enjoy the muffins.

And, in a relatively unrelated note, the Infinitives are entirely different types of bastards; they're the ones that make Oprah look like a nice person that doesn't eat orphans baked in dead puppies, they're the ones that killed Jimmy Hoffa and hid his body in a twisted game of hide and seek just to fuck with us.  See, see there, 'to fuck', they're even in your fucking, and without them, you're telling them 'just fuck with us', and that's a phrase you really need to be careful with, and not just with Infinitives also around used car salesmen and clowns.  Fucking clowns.

But even in my disdain, my anger, my outrage, my backlash, the 'subjects' have returned, more powerful than before, as my hatred and outrage have themselves, become 'subjects'... I'm becoming them, one of them, the humanity, and assorted goo's, that once filled me to my very brim is ebbing away, being washed upon the shore of my sanity, along with all the flying chicken-chinchillas and rouge ovens; all that I once held dear is slipping away, being... replaced, by... brains... must... have... brains.... must... have...  brains, and for a limited time only, all fine china and used appliances 50% off!

And this, dear children, is why we make the grammar nazi's and the punctuation whores use the other set of bathrooms and ride in the back of the bus.

...but wait!

Now I need... PICTURES!

Though........

Really....

Pictures are really just soul stealing, life-force sucking, douche gurgling cunt funnels.

>Popevader

Reality Muffins

I wrote this a few years ago, so a lot of the shows are dated and shows just how old i am. [if you don't know what shows i'm talking about, replace them with "The Jersey Shore" or whatever else they show on television now] or some other shit like that] but what i have to say still rings true and it's still just as disgusting, if not worse, today. if you are a fan of any of these shows for any other reason than you find them amusing little train-wrecks than please, for the love of GOD! get off your fat-arse, close your laptop, and read a damn book. preferably one that wasn't written in the last 15 years or wasn't written by Stephenie Meyer.


Reality TV; real life people in real life situations; raw and uncut. Stations such as MTV and VH1 bring us the wonderful shows that display to us what life really is. Or do they? "Reality TV", such as "The Real World" or "America's Next Top Model" may take real people, and show real situations, but is it a true American reality? The images shown in these shows are isolated and seem to be extreme examples of life, but never the less, it is what is shown to American youth, and possibly more importantly, the rest of the world. Browsing the channels anywhere between noon and midnight, one can find an endless stream of reality TV shows, mostly located on MTV's various branch channels. There is such a grand scope of shows that it would be almost impossible to choose just one to focus on, but all these shows share a handful of similarities and can be broken up into three basic types.

The first, and most common, is what will from here on be referred to as "forced living" reality shows. In these series, groups of people are brought together to live as house-mates for a certain amount of time. Most famous of this type would be "The Real World". This show takes a selection of people, usually ranging from eighteen to mid twenties, from various walks of life, and plants them into a house or apartment together. Throughout the seasons running time they will be given group jobs or challenges. Aside from that, they are constantly watched by an ever-present camera crew, underlining the Orwellian world of Big Brother. Such extreme conditions would be enough to produce enough drama that would rival a pack of middle school girls on steroids, but of course, it wouldn't be "real" enough that way. So, to make things more interesting, the cast is chosen based on what I can only assume to be an anti-compatibility test. They always seem to have the naive Christian, who grew up in some rural area, and is just now coming to the big city. This person, usually female, is almost always forced into a room with the staunch atheist, usually of some minority group such as African American or Latino. There's always a partier, if not more than one, who always seems to be getting drunk, and let's not forget the token homosexual/bisexual whom always appear to be in conflict with the sheltered Christian. At the very least, two members of the show will have some sort of irreconcilable difference, and one may possibly need to leave. So, we have here the makings of what could possibly be reality, don't we? A diverse group of people from various religions, nationalities, and sexual orientations, all trying to live together. Sounds like a college dorm to me. And yet I have never experienced such levels of drama as exhibited on these shows. Somehow, they always manage to create some life shattering obstacles with one another that almost always end in physical fights. And of course, the ever popular "hook-ups" between cast members. We laugh, we cry, we feel anger; this MUST be reality! Not. Perhaps I live in a bubble, but this is nowhere near what I have experienced in my life, and it certainly isn't what I want the rest of the world so see me as. So perhaps we can find reality in another kind of show.

Second, would be what I like to call "game show" reality shows. Such shows include "Flavor of Love", "A Shot of Love", and "Survivor". These shows share some similarities with the forced living shows, as they all involve people who would otherwise not be caught dead living with each other, residing in the same domicile. However, these people are here because they are competing for something. This something is almost always money, but can also, as seen in "Flavor of Love" and "Tela Tequila" be about finding that one special person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Touching, isn't it? However, these shows involve vying for the "love" of a celebrity who I couldn't imagine anyone loving for their personalities. "Flavor of Love" was a show about women fighting for the affections of rap star, Flavor Flav. women compete for alone time with the rap star [whom I myself had never heard of before the show aired, again, I might live in a bubble], trying to convince him that they will truly love him for who he is. [Also, they usually try to convince him that they will be the most "pleasing" sexual partner which I'm convinced is all the man is concerned about in the first place.] However, not all of these shows are about convincing someone that you love them and will please them. Others, such as the "Survivor" series, are purely about winning disgusting amounts of money. And that's what America is about, isn't it? Love, money and sex? Or maybe just money and sex. Hmm, this still doesn't sound much like reality to me. Lets move on the the third type, maybe that will bring us the meaning of life?

The third type is what I call "teen reality" shows. This final type includes shows like "The Hills" and "Lagoona Beach" and "My Super Sweet Sixteen". Now, certainly, these must be the shinning beacon of reality. What could possibly be more real then teens living their lives, going to high school, breaking up, and finally, going to the prom with that special someone. I myself haven't watched too many episodes of these shows, as the first time I saw an add for "Lagoona Beach" I thought it was a joke, but no, I was wrong. "Lagoona Beach" aired and I was astounded to discover that it was a reality TV show. How could this be?! I asked myself. It follows the lives of teenagers in a coastal area, as they go through their school year and summer. They all appear to be between the ages of fifteen and nineteen, and all appear to be upper-middle class to lower-upper class. They all have perfect tans, and most of them receive brand new cars from daddy when they turn sixteen, or possibly before. There are break-ups, hook-ups, break-downs and what I can only describe as a parents' worst phone-bill nightmare, as these teens are ALWAYS on a cell phone, or land line talking to so-and-so about what such-and-such did with what's-there-name. I for one, thought that kind of petty back-biting ended when I left eighth grade, and I'd really love to know where all these new cars are coming from. Where's mine? But then, of course, there is nothing to compare with the insanity of "My Super Sweet Sixteen". In this, you will find the most atrocious display of nearly all of the deadly sins. Young girls will demand all of the finest things for what they want to be known as the greatest party EVER! In watching this show, I half expect to see one of the girls, in the midst of a fit, start twitching violently and begin foaming at the mouth from all the fanatic obsessions. They will stop at nothing to get the most expensive dresses [greed/envy], insisting that they "are worth every penny" [pride], and then go into horrible screaming fits if they are not given what they ask for, or if someone defies their all holy guest list. [rage] Frankly, it's like watching a toddler in the check-out line, screaming for candy. The only difference is that toddlers don't wear tube tops and mini-skirts. [at least, I hope they don't!] The worst part is when the parents simply roll over and give their daughters whatever it is that they want. Here, we must have found reality here! Girls getting whatever they want! Upper-middle class, teen drama! This, THIS must be America! No? well, what could this possibly be doing to the American image abroad?

On a two week missions trip to Uruguay, I discovered what exactly American media had done to itself in the eyes of the youth of another country. Upon arrival in Pysandu, Uruguay, we were immediately spotted as outsiders. What was most apparent was the way the us girls in the group were looked at. All of us felt unsafe without a male to stand with us, as we could tell that these other men saw as for something none of us were: reality TV girls. Things only progressed in this manner as we met up with the youth group we were to be staying with for the next two weeks. Almost immediately they began asking us where we were from, and seemed confused and dissappointed to learn that we were not from LA, or New York City. To them, these were the only two places that Americans come from. That, however, was easy enough to get over. What was more difficult, was explaining that, no, we didn't all have brand new sports cars, given to us by our parents when we were of age; and no, we didn't all go out partying on the weekends; and again, no, we didn't all shop at American Eagle, Gap, Aeropastal, or Holister. Fortunately though, these teens were much more down to earth and were able to understand fairly quickly that we weren't reality TV kids. Unfortunately, the rest of the city was not so down to earth. The most distressing day, was when we decided to walk to the mall. Along the way, all of the females in our group, immediately recognized as Americans, were heckled at, called at, whistled and clicked at. It was one of the most degrading walks of my life, and there I was, hardly showing any skin at all. In an attempt to understand why we were being treated in such a way that I hadn't even been treated like back in the states, I asked one of my male companions that I had met there. He explained to me that, because the only real exposure most South Americans have to the people in the States is through television, most of the men assume that that's what women want, and it is what is acceptable. I can remember feeling ill when he told me this. Was this truly the image that American media has given to the world? That its women and girls wish to be heckled at as they walk to the store, that they are all so easy that they'll hook up with anyone willing to give them attention. Surly, this cannot be reality.

Entertaining as they may be, reality TV shows are a failure when it comes to showing what reality truly is. They perpetuate the notion that Americans are only interested in material gain, and quick and easy pleasure. These shows tell the rest of the world that it's women are easy, and it's men are power hungry sex machines. It's detrimental abroad, as I am now thoroughly embarrassed to admit to being American in another country. However, it is also dangerous at home as well. It gives a kind of excuse for American youth to continue living as social degenerates. And if I do indeed live in a bubble, then I should wish to continue living in my bubble, there is far less screaming there.

>Mar

A Feast For Muffins

"Corpus Christi" is Latin for "the body of Christ". This is an appropriate name for the 5-piece metalcore band from Cincinnati, Ohio, because they keep their faith in the forefront of their music and ministry.

Now, to give you a bit of back story on the band, they signed to Victory Records and released their debut album, The Darker Shades Of White in 2009. However, all but one member of the original band, the guitarist and clean vocalist, left for one reason or another. So, the band was rebuilt from the ground up, and a new, heavier sound emerged.

Thus, A Feast For Crows was born. Let me be clear: this is not the same band as before. The new members of the band breathe new life into this album, and Jarrod's clean vocals complement the sound even better.

I don't know that I'll ever understand the point of creating a separate intro track, but it doesn't surprise me when a band does it any more. Corpus Christi hold to this... tradition (I use the term loosely), and after one minute and 39 seconds, the album officially starts. And it starts with a kick - ripping guitars, thunderous drums, and a heavy low-end bass bombard the senses as they lead in to the new screamer Max O'Connell, whose range fills the album perfectly.

Let me clarify something. As much as it may sound like I'm ripping on The Darker Shades Of White, I'm not. I love that album, and I still enjoy listening to it. I'm just trying to make it very clear that this new line-up is a different, heavier sound.

"A Portrait of Modern Greed" and "Monuments" showcase exactly how heavy these guys can be as they bring the most brutal breakdowns and riffs. In addition, Max and Jarrod obviously enjoy working with each other, because they sound perfect on this album. "Betrayed Redemption" is probably my favorite track on the album, and it feels the most heartfelt and challenging. Max screams "Guilty! I am guilty!", and Jarrod comes in at the chorus to voice the confession of that guilt before the song comes to a close with true redemption finally shining through.

"Little Miss Letyouknow" shakes things up a bit as they throw a nice southern metal song in here. I am a sucker for southern metal. I love the feel of this song and would love to hear more of this style from Corpus Christi. "Broken Man" and "Invictus" are the highlights of the second half of the album, once again showing that these boys can play all over the place. A Feast For Crows showcases a whole new Corpus Christi, and I can't wait to see what they have in store next.

>Pawn

MUFFIN

For the past few weeks, or as long as this particular blog has been in existence, my fellow 'bloggers' have been pushing for a post from myself. You asked for it, so here it is.

As my official title in this blog infers, I am to be blogging about something technical, or how to build your own tank from plastic bottles and the hearts of sea creatures. This information would be very accurate, and would indeed instruct the reader of how to do exactly what it is that the title suggests. If one who wanted to do such a thing came across this article, then they would have an answer to what they were searching for. But, the thing is, that absolutely no one would read it. Millions upon Millions of people who have access to some internet connection that could access it, but they wont. No question about it. Which is why, I am writing about how much blogging sucks.
First, the bloody people. People who think they are important, and want to spread their wonderful and well thought out ideas to everyone. I am just going to say that your ideas suck. No one really cares about how you saved a bunch of kittens and puppies from a burning building. Now your probably thinking that a post on how they did save a bunch of cute animals from their assured destruction would be awesome; and your right. But, you never saw a post about that, did you? Its because such a post DOESN'T EXIST. Bloggers don't save the lives of innocent puppies and kittens. Bloggers would write about a sad little story about how an unfortunate mishap with their christmas tree lit their dog on fire, got loose, and ran through the entire kennel lighting all the other animals on fire, which burned down the building. Dont even think about asking how a christmas tree was even in the same proximity as a kennel, or how it lit the dog on fire. You really don't want to know.

Next, the feelings. Again, no one cares how you are feeling every day, aside from two groups of people; people who actually know you in person, and stalkers. To clarify something, 'people who actually know you in person' do not include your pets, people who say hi to you when you pass them, your grocery bagger, or members of your anarchist cult following. Now that 80% of your list of people you know has gone away, that 20% which is probably your parents, won't look on your website to see how you are feeling, or what your up to for the day. They will act like normal people and actually talk to you in person. Like normal people. Not like zombies. They aren't robots either. Oh and guess what? All those normal people in your life? They don't care about your blog either.

The other group of people that may follow you through your blog? Yea, 'follower' is a very very loose term for 'psychotic stalker.' These may fall into one of three categories: Schoolgirl stalker, Rapist, or just a downright murderer. Or my personal favorite, all of the above. First, the schoolgirl stalker, a fangirl who is so tied up into what you are doing, that they devote their lives to your being. So much so that if she could, your dirty shoes would be on her mantle, and anything you touched would be a relic. Even something like your own feces would be dried, mounted, and hung on a wall for her to cherish. Next, the rapist: someone who thinks your pretty, finds out everything about you from your blog, tracks you down and, well, you know the rest. Beware of free candy signs. Finally, the murder. Beware of people that you piss off. They will find you, they will kill you, they will enjoy it, and you wont be able to do anything about it.
Now for all three, I will give you an example of how this would play out. Little schoolgirl Annie would begin reading your blog, and over time would become obsessed with the very presence of you. In fact it would be so bad, she would use small hints you left in your posts to pinpoint your location, and wait until she saw you in person getting coffee at your favorite morning cafe. Then she would follow you wherever you go for the next week, until she got bored of that and decided that she needed to meet you in person. However in all those years of catholic school, she never learned how to be very social, so she would come up with a plan to ambush you. Upon executing her plan perfectly, she would be so excited, but having a crazy little demon unleashed upon you was not your idea of a fan girl, so you just push her aside and continue on your merry way. Enraged, she would set up another plan. Basically, you come home to a slightly misconstrued house, find her in the kitchen making pancakes out of knives and windex, and try to attack you. You could fight her off, but she brought Bubba, her giant clown enforcer along, who would proceed to rape you in the most graphic way. Then after you have been humiliated, she would proceed to kill you in ways I will not describe; your body never to be found again. So I may say that any part of the psychotic stalker is not a good one. Oh and for another example of all three types combined: just picture Bill Clinton as a 12 year old girl.

Getting back to the Bloggers...
I'm sure if anyone with any level of intelligence would ever read this, they would think: "but mister angry blogger sir, you yourself have just lowered yourself to the level of a blogger, writing about your feelings towards something you feel so strongly about." Well, SO WHAT! you aren't going to do a single thing about it. I mean, even if this post was sent out to every single blogger loving hippie in the world, and they were all so enraged by the thought that they all wanted to kill me, I would feel perfectly safe. Because all your gonna do is write about how upset you are about some douchebag writer defiling the sacred structure of blogging. Your not able to do a single thing about it. So, all I will say to that, is SUCK IT BLOGGERS. Now go and write to what you think is the world about how stupid people are. I'm sure that will show them all.


As a final note from the wonderful company of Despair, Inc.
BLOGGING: Never before have so many people said so much to so few.