Tales of Muffins

Ok, I was going to review Tales of Vesperia here after I beat it.  But I now realize that that's never going to happen in anything that even vaugely resembles the near future, much less a timely manner.  So, I'm going to review Tales of Symphonia instead, because I beat it, and because it's more or less the same game, only older, kinda like how your mom and your sister are the same in some general ways, but still not interchangeable.

Yep, Gamecube, it did exist. 

Firstly, what is Tales of Symphonia?  Well, it's a 'Tales' game, there have been numerous ones, dozens even, and you've probably never heard of any of them, and if you heard of one by it's technically correct, according to wikipedia, japaneese title, you'd probably just say 'what the hell' and leave confused and bitter about the few seconds of your life that were wasted that you could have wasted with a more productive end goal by waiting in line at mcdonalds, with your end goal being heart disease and death.  But, that issue aside, a 'Tales' game is a JRPG, or a Japaneese RPG, for those who don't know the current hip lingo, and if you don't know what a RPG is, then go ask your mother, I'm sure she has no clue either, but she may give you a more interesting answer.  So, it's a JRPG, now you want to know what that entails, well, it involves some absurd characters with impossible hair, literally, the laws of space-time and thermodynamics say that hair like what they possess can only exist in digital form.  It also involves a story, and by 'story' i really only mean a tangled mess of plot points, plot devices, locations, motives, characters, villians, maybe-villains, not-quite-villains, heroes, not-actually-heroes, pets, side characters, items, cooking, dungeons, and the omnipresent treasure chests which we all know and love dearly.

So, did that confuse you at all?  Do you think you have any idea what you'd be in for by playing this game?  Well, I don't really care what you answer, because you're wrong either way.  Tales of Symphonia is.... special.  It's atmospheric even, which i find oddly rare for an RPG of any nature.  The characters, absurd though they may be, are actually engaging and enjoyable, and the interactions with the other characters are great, along with the development and progresion of the characters, it's actually like the characters are maturing and growing during the game, and not just static objects doin' stuff cuz you pressed a few buttins.  Now, I also have to qualify that last statement; it's a bold and grand compliment to the game's story telling ability (especially a game that's not from Bioware) which would put it above most tv series and on par with quite a few decent books.  The qualification, however, only applies if you either a.) play the game un-muted or b.) play the game with sound and are not deaf.  The voice acting is some of the worst I have ever heard, and I've heard some bad voice acting- I watch Bleach in english, and that's better than this.  But, I must say, that if you're playing this game for the story and characters and such, you won't be disappointed, even if you have no idea what's actually going on in the story at any given point in time, it's like applying the heisenberg uncertainty principle to understanding the plot of a game, the more you know about any one point, the less you know about the overall picture and vice versa.

Fighting a battle turtle with a ninja and a midget mage:
I can't make shit like that up, well, I can, but still, I didn't have to.

Now, the gameplay here is much, much better than your typical JRPG.  In your typical JRPG, you're basically playing a Sci-Fi themed spreadsheet game with a DOS based interface and a few sparkling lights to keep your attention focused on the screen instead of letting you go off to live a real life with people, a life that could involve people of the opposite gender, and even making more people, of as yet undetermined gender.  This isn't your 'typical' JRPG, so, the gameplay won't keep you from ever having sex or children, that's something positive to say about it right?    But what it is, is something elegant.  It's not a spreadsheet.  At no point did I really feel like I had spent an exorbitant ammount of time looking at menues, actually, at no point did I spend a significant ammount of time looking at menues, aside from shops, but even then the time is minimal.  And the combat system here, whatever your opinion of RPG's JRPG's FF games, or whatever other shit you play, the combat system here could take them all outside and beat them to death with the headstones to their own graves.  It's great, not perfect, but great.  It's actually fun, kinda like a cross between Soul Calibre, Zelda and Golden Sun (which I also need to review here).  The game uses a real time combat system with non-random encounters.  Which basically solves all my complaints with other JRPG's.  Walking around and seemingly starting a monster battle by accidentally stepping on a spider you never saw and which wasn't there is annoying, because odds are, all you wanted to do was walk across the room, and now you have to fight a minor demon nymph and a possessed lawn gnome, you didn't want this, but in most JRPG's you're the game's  bitch and will do as you're told.  But in ToS you can see monsters in the overworld and in the dungeon, and you can avoid them, or at least try to avoid them, that is if you see fit to be a pansy, sell out your countrymen and hand over nuclear secrets to a certain Korea, otherwise you'll man up and kill them every kind of dead like the commie killing american you are.  The figts play out kinda like an old SNES brawler, but with a highly technical aspect; you can use items, pick your party members that fight (max of 4), spells, have hotkeys (buttins really, it is the 360), and make formations, give orders, set strategy, and all kinda of tactical whatnot.  And all this technical whatnot can actually determine the outcome of a fight, even a basic monster encounter, while still playing with the fun value of a brawler like SSB or Soul Calibre.

There are also some really nice little touches thrown in too, the map system works really well, better than a lot of computer based RPG's I've played, which is saying something as anyone who cross games between PC and consoles knows.  And the transport systems always fit where you are in the story- meaning that you rarely feel bogged down with transportation issues unless the story says that you're supposed to.

Admit it, you want to spend 50+ hours with these characters.

That's not to say the gameplay has no downsides, but most of them genuinely are rather unimportant and subjective personal nitpicks EXCEPT ONE!!!  You cannot skip, ever, for any reason, any of the motherfucking cutscenes, even if you've seen them a dozen times and you're being forced to watch them again because the hugeass impossible boss you're not prepared to fight is kicking your ass so that you're wearing your buttcheeks like huge-ass, commie red earmuffs.  That and there's no quicksave system, or, as I like to call it, Metroid Syndrome.  Not being able to save wherever you want and for whatever fucking reason you want is really damn annoying, and time consuming; because inevitably, you'll need to leave, and you'll be stuck looking for a save point that's about an hour away, and you need to leave in the next 10 minutes.  Metroid did this too, and it sucked ass there, and it sucks here though not as badly because you can save whenever you want, but only in the overworld.  But even then, that's like saying licking Oprah's fat rolls doesn't suck as much provided she's showered sometime in the last week or so; it still sucks and if there's any photographic evidence you'll never find decent employment afterward, oh, and any credibility and respect you may have had at any point in your life will be gone.  But at least this game isn't affiliated with Oprah, or Stalin, in any way, and that's a positive point in and of itself.  

It's also worth noting that the game does have a sense of humor.  Wether it's manifest in the dialogue and character interactions, or the simple fact that you fight kung-fu chickens and are stalked by a clumsy ninja, the game can make you laugh.  It's not necessarily the most mature or clever humor, but then again, sometimes it is.  Also, on the subject of maturity, the game's story does deal with some genuinely mature themes, and not the 'mature' themes that are generally passed off as mature either, but I won't spoil anything, I'm not a commie, I believe every American has a right to experience convoluted Japaneese anime for themselves, and that in capitalist america, story does not tell you.

Other than that, I'm not really sure what to say about this game, it has no multi-player to speak of, though the box insists that up to 4 players can play at a time; I've never tried it, though it may work beautifully and be a lot of fun, it could also be a metric fuckton of fail and wasted life.  I don't know, but I would never buy or recommend it as a multi-player game.  Also, it's a looooooooong game, like the box says 80+ hours of gameplay, I beat it in under 60, and prolly could've had it in under 50, but we're still talking about one serious time investment, but if you want the maximum amount of playtime and entertainment for your buck, and don't really give a flying shit about multi-player, or are just a friendless hobo, or even just an average psychopath that's alienated all social acquaintances and human ties, then this game is for you.

But really, it's a great game with excellent storytelling and character development, fun gameplay, an intricate and rewarding combat system, a decided lack of spreadsheets, and an epic bang:buck ratio (especially considering you could probably find this game for under $10 now).  The downsides being the unskippable cutscenes, the voice acting- which though terrible is not the worst I've ever heard- and the save system, and the convoluted story may put some off as well, but really, it's a minimum of 50 hours, you're really only taking the story in about 1-4 hours at a time, and in those doses, it's actually really well done.  So, if you need a RPG to kill some time in an enjoyable way for the next.... long while, I'd highly recommend a Tales game; and even if you hate it, at least you didn't spend those hours of your life bettering yourself, or getting an education, or meeting a nice girl, or restoring neglected friendships, or playing vigilante and killing all the miscreants in your neighborhood that stepped on your lawn, or something else that would have benefited humanity.  So, there are worse ways to spend your time, and if JRPG's are your thing, then there are probably only a few better ways, but they all probably cost more money or are illegal, or both.  Or, at the very least, if you buy it, you can't eat it, so it won't make you fat; so don't but that bulk crate of cheesecake, buy this game instead and extend your life a little bit and keep off those 5 lbs of cheesecake and maybe you'll meet a nice person someday and you life will improve significantly.

Yep, it'll kill you eventually.  Or, not-so-eventually if you
eat enough of it, like, it could kill you by next monday if
you really wanted it to do so.