MUFFIN

For the past few weeks, or as long as this particular blog has been in existence, my fellow 'bloggers' have been pushing for a post from myself. You asked for it, so here it is.

As my official title in this blog infers, I am to be blogging about something technical, or how to build your own tank from plastic bottles and the hearts of sea creatures. This information would be very accurate, and would indeed instruct the reader of how to do exactly what it is that the title suggests. If one who wanted to do such a thing came across this article, then they would have an answer to what they were searching for. But, the thing is, that absolutely no one would read it. Millions upon Millions of people who have access to some internet connection that could access it, but they wont. No question about it. Which is why, I am writing about how much blogging sucks.
First, the bloody people. People who think they are important, and want to spread their wonderful and well thought out ideas to everyone. I am just going to say that your ideas suck. No one really cares about how you saved a bunch of kittens and puppies from a burning building. Now your probably thinking that a post on how they did save a bunch of cute animals from their assured destruction would be awesome; and your right. But, you never saw a post about that, did you? Its because such a post DOESN'T EXIST. Bloggers don't save the lives of innocent puppies and kittens. Bloggers would write about a sad little story about how an unfortunate mishap with their christmas tree lit their dog on fire, got loose, and ran through the entire kennel lighting all the other animals on fire, which burned down the building. Dont even think about asking how a christmas tree was even in the same proximity as a kennel, or how it lit the dog on fire. You really don't want to know.

Next, the feelings. Again, no one cares how you are feeling every day, aside from two groups of people; people who actually know you in person, and stalkers. To clarify something, 'people who actually know you in person' do not include your pets, people who say hi to you when you pass them, your grocery bagger, or members of your anarchist cult following. Now that 80% of your list of people you know has gone away, that 20% which is probably your parents, won't look on your website to see how you are feeling, or what your up to for the day. They will act like normal people and actually talk to you in person. Like normal people. Not like zombies. They aren't robots either. Oh and guess what? All those normal people in your life? They don't care about your blog either.

The other group of people that may follow you through your blog? Yea, 'follower' is a very very loose term for 'psychotic stalker.' These may fall into one of three categories: Schoolgirl stalker, Rapist, or just a downright murderer. Or my personal favorite, all of the above. First, the schoolgirl stalker, a fangirl who is so tied up into what you are doing, that they devote their lives to your being. So much so that if she could, your dirty shoes would be on her mantle, and anything you touched would be a relic. Even something like your own feces would be dried, mounted, and hung on a wall for her to cherish. Next, the rapist: someone who thinks your pretty, finds out everything about you from your blog, tracks you down and, well, you know the rest. Beware of free candy signs. Finally, the murder. Beware of people that you piss off. They will find you, they will kill you, they will enjoy it, and you wont be able to do anything about it.
Now for all three, I will give you an example of how this would play out. Little schoolgirl Annie would begin reading your blog, and over time would become obsessed with the very presence of you. In fact it would be so bad, she would use small hints you left in your posts to pinpoint your location, and wait until she saw you in person getting coffee at your favorite morning cafe. Then she would follow you wherever you go for the next week, until she got bored of that and decided that she needed to meet you in person. However in all those years of catholic school, she never learned how to be very social, so she would come up with a plan to ambush you. Upon executing her plan perfectly, she would be so excited, but having a crazy little demon unleashed upon you was not your idea of a fan girl, so you just push her aside and continue on your merry way. Enraged, she would set up another plan. Basically, you come home to a slightly misconstrued house, find her in the kitchen making pancakes out of knives and windex, and try to attack you. You could fight her off, but she brought Bubba, her giant clown enforcer along, who would proceed to rape you in the most graphic way. Then after you have been humiliated, she would proceed to kill you in ways I will not describe; your body never to be found again. So I may say that any part of the psychotic stalker is not a good one. Oh and for another example of all three types combined: just picture Bill Clinton as a 12 year old girl.

Getting back to the Bloggers...
I'm sure if anyone with any level of intelligence would ever read this, they would think: "but mister angry blogger sir, you yourself have just lowered yourself to the level of a blogger, writing about your feelings towards something you feel so strongly about." Well, SO WHAT! you aren't going to do a single thing about it. I mean, even if this post was sent out to every single blogger loving hippie in the world, and they were all so enraged by the thought that they all wanted to kill me, I would feel perfectly safe. Because all your gonna do is write about how upset you are about some douchebag writer defiling the sacred structure of blogging. Your not able to do a single thing about it. So, all I will say to that, is SUCK IT BLOGGERS. Now go and write to what you think is the world about how stupid people are. I'm sure that will show them all.


As a final note from the wonderful company of Despair, Inc.
BLOGGING: Never before have so many people said so much to so few.