2010's Muffinest EPs

In the spirit of the "best of 2010" lists going around, I figured I'd enlighten you folks as to what I believe the best music of the year has been. And, just because there has been so much good music, you fine human beings are getting a double dose! That's right, not only will you get Pawn's favorite full length albums, but first, you get his favorite EPs! Don't you feel lucky?

Who will win the title of Muffinest EP of 2010 and the right to be known as the muffiny king of 2010's EPs?

Now, without further ado, here are my top 15 picks for the best EPs of 2010:

15. Harp And Lyre "Clumsy Architects"Harp And Lyre have been around for a couple years now, and they're really developing their sound. With a rockin' post-hardcore style mixed with a touch of the south and a little bit of chaos, you definitely don't want to miss out on these guys.

14. Same As Sunday "Earn Your Stripes"
Pop-mosh is on its way up, and Same As Sunday are helping to push it as far as they can. A ridiculously poppy sounding vocalist blends perfectly with wicked guitar riffs. "Earn Your Stripes" is well worth a listen.

13. The Wedding "Distance EP"
The boys of The Wedding are back in action after several years of silence with the "Distance EP". The years have only been kind to them, as this is their best release to date. It's good old rock 'n' roll with a heavier edge to it, so don't miss it!

12. Vanna "The Honest Hearts EP"
Vanna has a special place on my iPod, and they always will. They play a fun little blend of punk, post-hardcore, and metal that makes you want to get up and move. "The Honest Hearts EP" is just what the doctor ordered to tide us over until their next full-length.

11. Ten After Two "If You Don't First"
The first of several Rise Records bands to make this list, Ten After Two have some serious potential. This five song EP shows their post-hardcore/metalcore mastery, and I'm very excited to see what they can do with a full album.

10. Rise To Remain "Bridges Will Burn EP"
London based metalcore outfit Rise To Remain have several EPs under their belts, with the "Bridges Will Burn EP" being their most recent effort. With insane guitars, brutal growls, and catchy melodies, you'll definitely find yourself coming back to this one.

9. It Prevails "Findings EP"
It Prevails plays a wicked little mix of metalcore and melodic hardcore, and they play it well. With two full-lengths already under their belt, this three song EP shows that they put just as much effort into the little releases as they do the big ones.

8. The Suit "The Way That We Fall"
Punk rock and metal have never gone so well together. Gang vocals, ripping guitars, and fast paced beats make The Suit's (formerly Midnight Suit) "The Way That We Fall" a very fun listen. This EP is their first effort under the new name, and new sound, and I can't wait to hear what they do next.

7. Messengers "Anthems"
You guys may remember my full review of this EP earlier this year and my high praise of it. With a brutal combination of thrash and hardcore, Messengers have more than shown how talented they are. With a full-length tentatively slated for 2011, next year is gearing up to be just as good for metal as this year.

6. This Fires Embrace "In Transit"Hard rock/metal outfit This Fires Embrace has managed to fly pretty under the radar, despite having already released an EP and a full-length. With nine songs, you definitely get your money's worth, and the guitar work alone is worth the price of admission.

5. Oh Constantine "Into The Beginning"
The Pennsylvania boys of Oh Constantine are amazing, plain and simple. Talented, heavy, and energetic, this EP shows just how devoted they are to not only their music, but also to their faith. With so much potential, I'd love to see them get signed and have the opportunity to get the national recognition they deserve.

4. Like Moths to Flames "Sweet Talker" 
Next up, we've got the second Rise Records band of the list, and they wreck house. With a brutal style of metalcore mashed with post-hardcore, Like Moths To Flames have found a sound that works brilliantly for them. Keep an eye on these boys, because they're on the way up.
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This brings us to the top three. There is a reason these bands are at the top of my list, and that reason is talent, plain and simple. They have shown a level of musicianship and songwriting that should set the bar for every other band out there. If you only pick up a couple EPs this year, the next three are must haves.
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3. My Ticket Home "The Opportunity To Be"
My Ticket Home (Rise Records band number three) released their second EP, and Rise Records debut, and it keeps finding its way back to my playlists. These guys live on the heaviest end of the post-hardcore spectrum, and they've got an incredible gift for the style.

2. Chapter 14 "Like Trees In November"
Currently comprised of Chad Ackerman and Tanner Sparks, both of Destroy The Runner fame, Chapter 14 plays an alternative/metalcore/post-hardcore style masterfully (if you're familiar with DTR, think "I, Lucifer" sound). With DTR on an indefinite hiatus, Chapter 14 has the perfect chance to step into the spotlight - and they have more than enough talent to do so.

1. The Devil Wears Prada "Zombie EP"
Part of me feels bad giving the number one spot to what is basically a joke concept album, but The Devil Wears Prada have progressed to a much heavier and more technical sound than anything they've released to date. Despite the humorous, almost ridiculous nature of this EP, the musicianship is top-notch, and the atmosphere they created with it absolutely earned it the title of THE MUFFINEST EP OF 2010!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the muffiny king of 2010's EPs

There you have it, boys and girls - Pawn's picks for 2010's best EPs. Stay tuned, up next is the year's best albums, and there are some serious heavyweights in the running.

Tron Muffin

First off, Merry Christmas! Good, now that I’ve been festive, on to Jeff Bridges: The Movie. It’s about Jeff Bridges. It’s about young Jeff Bridges, old Jeff Bridges, Jeff Bridges not being Jeff Bridges, Jeff Bridges being Jeff Bridges, and Jeff Bridges being a glowing Obi-wan Kenobi.

Funnily enough that pretty accurately describes Jeff Br…I mean Tron Legacy. The original Tron was a film from the 80’s about a software engineer named Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges) being digitized (lasered) into a corporation’s computer network by a HAL-esque program called the Master Control Program (MCP). Once inside Flynn discovers that programs are people, data is erased using tanks, arcade games are gladiatorial death matches, and that he, being a “user” is God. The name of the movie is derived from a security program Flynn meets called Tron, designed by a good buddy of his from ENCOM (think Apple, only not Apple). Flynn and Tron eventually (and I mean eventually…the pace of the movie is slower than a fat guy on the toilet after Thanksgiving dinner) destroy the MCP and Flynn finds some data that proves he created some games or something and gets out of glowing-death world.

Tron developed a cult following, but that was about it. The computer graphics were far ahead of their time, and the concepts used in the movie were original and high quality science fiction. The movie’s problem was it was incredibly slow paced and the story and dialogue itself were not that good. Disney presumably put this movie away and forgot about it….that is until twenty some years later.

Today we have Tron Legacy. Legacy follows Flynn’s son Sam who was abandoned after his father (Jeff Bridges) disappeared a short while after the events of the first Tron. Sam is a college-aged computer whiz who likes to screw with ENCOM in the most glorious of ways (leaking software to the interwebs etc.) He eventually stumbles onto the “grid” where his father has been trapped for the last twenty years. After the most balls-out awesome scene of the movie (light cycles FTW), Sam is rescued by the beautiful computer program Quorra (Olivia Wilde) who takes him to his father. Since I don’t feel like describing the rest of the plot in detail, here’s a summary: Quorra is a non-created artificial intelligence, C.L.U. is an evil dictator program who wants to go Hitler on the world and is defeated by “Empty Recycle Bin”, and Sam and Quorra make it back to the real world because Jeff Bridges is a boss.

The reason I didn’t want to describe the plot in detail is because, like the first movie, it isn’t why you go to see the it. No, you go to see Tron because you want your eyes and ears to fornicate with the movie screen. Tron is UNBELIEVABLY pretty. The light effects, vehicles, and Olivia Wilde make Tron a candy store for the eyes. What makes the visuals even more fantastic is the soundtrack Daft Punk put together for the movie. The music is perfect throughout and enhances every action scene by tenfold. It wasn’t Tron's plot that moved me, but the music’s flawless integration with the visuals. Legacy also doesn’t forget that it’s a sequel. There are plenty of references to the original movie, and even I was excited when the “evil ship” appeared in all its newly rendered glory. All the retooling is done creatively and I was thrilled with every old and new vehicle / device the movie threw at me.

While they didn’t have much to work with, the actors did a decent job of making me “care” about the characters. Jeff Bridges was brilliant as Kevin Flynn, however I found myself not being able to take what he was saying seriously most of the time due to his crazy hippie that would surface perhaps a little too often. Garret Hedlund and Olivia Wilde more than substantially filled their respective parts. Jeff Bridges also did a substantial job of playing C.L.U., a program based on his 1980’s self. Computer face-mapping technology has come a long way, and “young Jeff Bridges” looked good, however a combination of lighting issues and the deadness of computer eyes made him discernibly “inhuman.” This turned out to be great though, as C.L.U. is a program, not a human.
While the plot of Tron Legacy isn’t strong as a story, there are several undertones and themes one can take away from it. One could take away religious themes centered toward the deistic, with a summary of how creation rebelling against creator never ends well for either (but mainly the creation). A historical allegory to Hitler can also easily be seen. There’s also a commentary in there about the interaction of man and technology, but I don’t care enough right now to try and elaborate on that. There is one thing that can be HEAVILY pulled out of Tron Legacy though…Star Wars. Flynn is essentially Obi-wan Kenobi (robe and all), a few of the weapons too closely resemble lightsabers, C.L.U.’s ship is a Corellian Corvette, the ship escape at the end might as well have been the Millenium Falcon escaping the Death Star, and Jeff Bridges uses the force to defeat Jeff Bridges in the end.

Overall, Tron Legacy is a film I would recommend you spend your time and money to go see. You’ll find yourself laughing at several points, in awe at others, and having plenty of WTF moments. It’s a good time, and if anything you’ll drive home wishing you had light trails shooting out the back of your minivan.

>EpicError

MuffinBreakers

About as similar to 'The Matrix' and '28 Days Later' as it
is to 'Mean Girls' and 'Barbie's Princess Pony'.

Ok, so, the movie Daybreakers.  Lets start off with my official rating: on a scale of one to ten, this movie gets a "What the Fuck" because that's what I ended up asking myself more than every other scene.  This movie doesn't even get numbers.  Why?  Because if it did, it would ruin them; this movie is why Hollywood can't have nice things.

Ok, so, review time, where do I even start here with this movie...?

Oh, right.

Lets start by asking "Where the hell did all the guns go?"
Seriously, where the fuck are the guns?  Did this movie forget that it involves people?  And that people, when oppressed by other people, governments, society, peers, vampires, etc, you get my point, anyway; people like to kill the shit that's oppressing them.  And guess what people do that with most of the time: guns.  And when they're not using guns, they're using bombs.  And don't give me that "but they're vampires, guns don't work bullshit."  One vampire gets knifed to death, I'm sure if a kitchen utensil can kill one, a 12 gauge shotgun will kill one every kind of dead.  Oh, and when you poke them, they asplode.  WHAT THE FUCK???!?!!?  you could go on a mass-vampire-murdering spree with a fucking Bic brand ballpoint pen.  You don't need concentration camps, firing squads, guns, weapons, an army, or even much hand-eye coordination to wipe out vampire; you need a fucking pen.  Oh, and instead of guns, they used crossbows; maybe that was to pay homage to the idea of staking one through the heart, but, i say again, knifing one to death worked pretty damn well, so... i ask again; where the hell were the guns?

Also, the most badass vampire in the movie (pictured above)
was a hobo/gardener.
This actually almost made 'Edward' seem manly by comparison. 

Ok, so, guns aren't really in this movie, and when they are, they're shooting tranquilizer darts; again, lame, but ok, i'll go with it for now.  The next question is: Why the hell does everyone drive a Chrysler 300C??  Ok, I understand that Chrysler sponsored the movie, and that they obviously wanted product placement with intrusiveness about on par with a frontal lobotomy, but still, they make more than one damn car- for real, go to a dealer, they have a lot of shit there that's not a 300C.  Or a Jeep.  Oh, and with the cars, they have special 'daylight driving' modes to protect the occupants from UV light, which is apparently the scientific explaination for vampires.  But, what they didn't even bother to think about or consider, it that glass, on it's own, blocks a ton of UV light; it's why you have to use quartz crystal when doing UV spectroscopy in analytical chemistry: factchecker, you should be fired.

Oh, the next WTF of the movie: starving vampires turn into crazed psychopathic killing machines with super strength, no conscience and a desire to kill everything, drink it, and then kill it again.  Again I ask: How the hell does this make one damn ounce of sense?  A little fyi: if you're starved, of ANYTHING, you do not become stronger, and you don't get elf ears.  You get the opposite, you get really fucking weak; like, standing up is a challenge weak.  You do not go "HULK SMASH" and launch people across rooms because they got between you and your happy meal.  More likely, you don't have enough strength to unwrap the cancer-burger in the happy meal.  ALTHOUGH, to be fair, if you are starving, and bloodsugar levels drop, neuron function is the first to go, so, they got the mental deterioration kinda right; but, again, we're talking about slipping into a coma and dying, not suddenly becoming Drunken-SuperMcAngry-Kung-fu-Hitler.

another valid "What the fuck?" question:
why the hell did they make all their new
buildings reflective if sunlight is lethal?
Am I the only one who thinks that's a
counterproductive health hazard?

Another "What the fuck?" moment:  vampires spontaneously explode.  In one of the opening scenes a vampire gets a 'scientific' procedure done on him where 'synthetic blood' is injected into him to test if it's useful, oh, wait, :spoiler:.  Anyway, they inject about 2-3 oz of this stuff into him, and he blows the fuck up.  Like, literally, he splatters across the entire room.  How the fuck did that happen?  What are vampires made of that apparently is so exothermic that if you don't say enough nice things to it it will explode and splatter you everywhere like a hampster in a microwave?

DISCLAIMER: We, here at NoMuffinsForYou, do not condone animal violence or the microwaving of any such small furry woodland creatures of children; I am only pointing out that they do, in fact, fit in microwaves, and that microwaving them may produce a 'popping' effect.

The story.  Ok, so... it's vaguely a commentary on America's dependency on oil, and by 'vaguely' I mean, it may as well be the title of the movie.  This movie could very well have had absolutely nothing to do with vampires and still made the same exact point; the only reason vampires were in the movie, is to get people caught in the 'vampire craze' to watch this shit, and by people, i really only mean Twilight fans who will watch anything if it's even hinted that something sparkles and there's a creep pedophile stalker.  It tries, it really does, but it misses out on the very core idea of vampires, and that is that vampires are badass motherfucking sons of bitches.  These vampires were what you'd get if you crossed Jersey Shore with Dr. Phil and that Mad Money guy, senseless drama, lack of identity, and for some dumbass reason they threw economics in there.  And my next question is.... Why the hell did this story have it's plot points in the first place?

This is humanity in the "The Future: The Dumbass Vampire Edition"
Because they've obviously forgotten that teenagers exist.

You have people turning into vampires by the masses so that the vampires rule the world, but apparently vampires are about as adept at world ruling as Pinky and the Brain.  There's a blood shortage, because there's not enough people, or animals, and they can't make a substitute; so, they're idiots.  You want to know how to fix a people shortage?  Teenagers, pizza and beer.  How does this work?  Well, you shouldn't need to ask that, and if you do, just go and ask Google where babies come from, but the short version is that: people like to fuck.  And guess what you dumbass vampires?  People fucking makes MORE PEOPLE. ROFLZOMGLOL, it's no like there aren't 200000 reality TV shows dedicated to this groundbreaking concept.  And, I'm pretty sure that if you took a roomful of teenagers and told them that they're supposed to fuck as much as humanly possible with an endless supply of free pizza, booze, and whatever the hell else they want, and all you demand in return is a blood donation, well.... lets just say college enrollment would hit an all time low.

Now, I'm not only going to say bad things about this movie or point out why it's story doesn't make an ounce of sense, I will say some good things too.  It was well directed, and the special effects were alright.  It wasn't great, we're not talking a Tarantino or Nolan grade level of directing, but, it's better than a SyFy original.

But apparently the director was also a Jedi knight, or a Sith Lord, because somehow Williem Dafoe was tricked into being in this movie, maybe he lost a bet, or maybe it was the Sith: you decide.  

So, in conclusion, if you enjoy movies that make no sense, have more plot issues than DBZ and Power Rangers combined, and have action scenes about as exciting as watching someone else make pancakes, don't have enough vitamin-dumbassvampire in your diet, have about 100 minutes of your life that you'd really prefer to not enjoy, or just want a reason to stop having a reason to live; then this movie is for you.  I can't even say that it's better than a poke in the eye, because at least that gives you someone to beat the living shit out of, and then sue for enough money to at least buy a cup of coffee.    

FINAL Muffins

Ok, so, most of us are college students, that was kind of a secret, not really, but, if you're on the lower end of the normal IQ distribution you may not have noticed, and that's what I was counting on.  Anyway, it is now, or will be soon, FINALS WEEK.  The week when everything tries to kill you.

Appearance of peaceful serenity: yes
Will it kill you if you drop your guard: yes
Are there hidden polar bears: yes
Do these bears have lightsabers: yes

EVERYTHING.

You think I'm making this up?  It snowed.  Mother Nature turned the entire outdoors into a frozen, ice coated deathtrap filled with friction dependent multi-ton, motorized steel monsters, commanded by complete ass-hats, roaming about- just for us squishy, organ filled pedestrians.  This isn't even survival of the fittest, this is survival of the lucky bastards.

And the least squishy.

Garfield is made of LIES!!

It speaks only Truth.

Your own body even tries to kill you; with sleep.  You don't have time for it, you body demands it.  And yet, if you sleep, you die a horrible accademic death and go to burger king hell which is like the mortal form of purgatory if purgatory sucked more ass than your mind can comprehend; or, you don't sleep, and you avoid that festering grease wasteland but, you catch the crazies instead.  Now, 'the crazies' isn't exactly one of my normal scientific terms, the reason for this is simple; you don't catch a single scientifically quantifiable type of crazy, you catch ALL of the crazies.  You hallucinate, you become paranoid, you freak the fuck out for no apparent reason, you eat a box of pancake mix, you start singing Ke$ha, you become irritable and depressed, you pretend to be a veloci-raptor from Jurassic Park and leap around in kitchens chasing small children on into bread cupboards.

This is how your profs
view Christmas.
No sissy mistletoe for
these motherfuckers.

You do not want that fate.


But, everything is still trying to kill you.  Your professors want nothing more than to see you spontaneously combust during their final; they get a Christmas bonus for every student after the 3rd to combust with another bonus if they catch a nearby student on fire as well.  To them, you not catching fire is ruining Christmas, so that makes them pyromanic bastards and should not be trusted unless they're impersonating Elvis.



Even your food is trying to kill you.

Most trustworthy burger a man could ever hope for.

Yes, even that well-done slab of dead cow nestled neatly between those plump processed wheat grain buns coated in MSG laden artificial tomato product, even that is actively trying to kill you.  And how?  Well, not on it's own, on it's own it wants nothing more than to nurture you into a nice, comfortable adulthood complete with the Apple-Pie edition Genuine American Dream.  However.... there are terrorist plots at work here.  IN YOUR OWN LIVER.  Yes, stress hormones are turning that innocent, benign cow slab against you; they're corrupting it, teaching it the dark magics long ago forbade by Dumbledor and the council of wise elders with the approval of the Power Rangers Review Board.  That benign, peacful slab of dead cow is now actively seeking to turn itself from good, nourishing protein, into deadly Elven Death Fat of the Defiler +2: Bonus to Unclogged Arteries.  Fucking dark elvish liver terrorist.  That cow slab was INNOCENT!!!

You will miss them more than you
can possibly imagine.
Just like the Deathstar.

Now, there is, of course, more stuff trying to kill you, but, i've lingered here too long, if I stay they'll find me.  I've helped you all that I can.  BEWARE THE VELOCIRAPTOR BEARS.  They will find you, in your dreams, and steal all your fantasies, and feed them to their young, then eat your socks.  ALL OF YOUR SOCKS.


Oh, and toasters, fuck toasters, they're always trying to kill you, finicky little slot-loaded bastards.  They eat not just all of your toast, but all of your electrics too... electric bastard mongrels... and then, and then, the arrogant sons-of-bitches, they feed your toast back to you after they've eaten and burned it, like some sick, twisted cyborg bird tethered to the electric line regurgitating food back to it's young.  And you thought you were in command, all because of the turny-buttins, but it lied to you; that son of a bitch cyborg bird toaster lied to you, and you believed it, all of those years... you'll listen the next time the dishwasher tries to warn you now, won't you?

...Won't you?    

Cheerful looking son-of-a-bitch, innit?

Webcomics and You (and Muffins)

Let's talk about webcomics. They've been present now for over 20 years, and there are quite a few out there now (and by a few, I mean thousands). As hopefully you are aware (and if you're not I'm not sure how you found this blog), there is quite a bit of crap floating in the big toilet that is the internet. Meaning, you're about as likely to find a good webcomic in the sea of bad ones as you are half a square mile of clean water in the Gulf of Mexico. Finding a good webcomic isn't the first step though, first you have to find out if you'll find entertainment in webcomics at all.

Ask yourself this question: Do you like to read? If the answer is anywhere north of "kinda", then, long story short, you will find entertainment out of webcomics. Moving on.

How then can you find a webcomic you will enjoy? Each person has their own personality (sometimes regretably, as this allows for things like communism and reality television to exist), but this means everyone will be looking for something different in their ideal webcomic. The good news is that there's a webcomic out there that caters to almost anything, the hard part is finding them.

So, where would you start looking? There are several "Top 10" lists available online, but remember that the people who rate webcomics are rating those they find enjoyable. Their number one may not even make your "Top 100." In my experience, the best way to begin is to ask your friends if they follow any webcomics. This generally results in you finding at least one comic you'll learn to love, as your friends interests are usually in line with your own (unless you're entirely shallow and superficial, one of those idiots with about 2,000 Facebook friends who enjoys getting plastered while watching your "STD's I've Aquired" list you keep by the toilet increase by a factor of three every Friday night).

If your friends don't follow any webcomics then your next step is probably Google. Search the words "webcomic" along with an interest you have or thing you're looking for in the comic. This can be an annoying and frustrating process, as previously stated the internet is a land fill the size of Canada. If you're not finding anything that interests you directly through search engines, pay attention to the adds on the sites of the webcomics you do come across. Many of them are adds for other comics that may end up interesting you.

Let's say you find a webcomic you believe interests you. Most likely you won't understand the current story arc or know any of the characters, so my best advice is to start at the beginning. Usually you'll take a hit in the art department doing this, but it's essential for getting to know the comic. If all goes well you'll do what any respectable webcomic reader will do, get hooked. By the time you catch up to the current comic you'll be enthusiastically checking on the update days for the next installment.

Now, I wouldn't take you through all that reading of mostly pictureless words unless I was going to provide you with some of my favorite webcomics (if you start following one, you'll most likely pick up more as time goes on):

Questionable Content

Questionable Content (QC) is one of the most popular comics on the web right now and also one of my personal favorites. Just under 2,000 strips strong, I've been following it since around 400 (so catching up is a little harder now, but completely worth it). The comic focuses around a group of young adults who love Indie rock and most geek culture. There is a good amount of drama between the characters, but it gets nicely balanced out by good humor and nonsense.

Bug Comic

Bug is the youngest of the comics I've been following, so it might be a good place for you "fresh out of the oven" muffins to get your start. Each strip is generally focused on its own seperate topic or joke, but they're refreshing and make me laugh almost every time. I highly recommend checking it out.

Least I Could Do

LICD has been going for awhile, so it'll take a bit to catch up. The basis is on the wild antics of the main character Rayne, but a host of interesting and funny support characters keep the comic going. LICD is also the most frequently updating comic I follow, with a new strip every day of the week.

Xkcd

Similar to Bug, but older and with a much larger fanbase, Xkcd is a comic for geeks about geek culture, science, and love on rare occaisions. The humor is usually pretty advanced, but if you get it it's the funniest thing you'll read all day.

Penny Arcade Considered the pioneer of the webcomic "industry", Penny Arcade is one of thousands of gaming-focused webcomics. The jokes are almost always focused on gaming culture so it is the place to start for all you game-aholics out there.

Other comics I enjoy include:

Ctrl+Alt+Del (gaming)

Dr. McNinja (ninjas, 'nuff said)

Looking For Group (from the LICD creator, gorgeous visuals in a unique fantasy universe)

Manly Guys Doing Manly Things (the title speaks for itself)

If you have access to the interweb, I highly endorse the idea of checking out the world of webcomics. Otherwise enjoy your boring Facebook life you useless mass of pubescent gunk.

>EpicError

Standing Like a Muffin

Ok, so, I was pondering humanity again.  And I was doing said pondering while walking, and, while walking an interesting phenomenon occurred.  This phenomenon is one that, I can scarcely call a 'phenomenon' in that it happens all the fucking time, but, what occurred was that the person who was walking in front of me just stopped.  Stopped.  In the middle of the fucking sidewalk, the middle of the crowded sidewalk, the sidewalk that other people, namely ME, were trying to, lets see here, WALK ON, and they were STANDING in the middle of it, completely oblivious to the idea, the concept, the very possibility that there may be other people in existence that may, possibly, want to use that same sidewalk as them, and, again, what were they doing?  Standing there, having a motherfucking conversation.

Yes, I've finally found the problem with humanity, the reason we don't have flying cars and robot espresso machines, the reason the future hasn't come yet.
Them.
The time-space continuum doesn't even like them.
They are the problem.

This is what you're looking for.
I'm not sure how it's gonna work, but that's between you and the car
I don't want to know.  

And, if by some unfortunate circumstance, you find that you are the problem then there are two things you can do about that.  The first is to go fucking play in traffic, and don't take the word fucking as an adjective either, it's a verb, and that's how you get to remove yourself from the gene pool, by engine fucking a passing '86 mustang being driven by Sir DoucheCunt McFagBags at 88 mph with Oprah riding shotgun.  The second option, is that you simply don't stop in the middle of the damn walkway to have a conversation while everyone else has somewhere to be, somewhere where they contribute to society and progress humanity farther from the dark ages where dumb-asses like you would still have us standing complacently in the middle of sidewalks wasting civilization away while the barbarians sack Rome and Skynet nukes the shit out of Australia and your dog.

Oh.  And guess what.  I can back my vindictive, righteous anger up with SCIENCE.  Yeah, that shit that you failed in hight school and the reason you're working at Burger King, it's coming back to bite you in the ass.  Because YOU are what your body would consider to be a HEART ATTACK.  YOU are what causes ischemic strokes.  YOU cause necrosis.  And how does this connection make one iota of sense?  Guess what causes all those death-type illnesses (death types have a bonus against healthy living abilities, but are weak against anti-coagulant type medications).  Blood clots, but not just a blood clot, a blood clot that was circulating through the blood stream, all nice and normal like, but the it stopped in the middle of an important artery and RUINED EVERYTHING JUST LIKE YOU.  And not the 'ruined everything' that your parents told you  because you were a drunken accident they couldn't put up for adoption.  You are the social analog of a heart attack and a stroke- you are everything that's wrong with society and your degree of ignorance about other people will be what brings about the end of civilization as we know it, so, when we're being raped in the ass by motherfucking alien pterodactyl sex monsters with tentacles I'll blame you.     

YOUR FAULT.
You dumb walking fail cunt.
Go fuck a toaster.
And make sure it's plugged in.
And set to "Hellfire"

Oh, and seeing as it is now the Holiday Season, if you do that 'stopping thing' in a crowded mall...
They'll cancel Christmas, and all of the sad orphans in the world will blame you.
And Santa will send you and all your relatives uncaged Ebola Monkeys on Christmas morning.
Ebola Monkeys.

Merry Christmas.

Enjoy Dissolving.

Muffins Are Thankful

I know that we here at No Muffins For You tend to take a sarcastic, perhaps even belligerent, point of view, but we'd like to step back and be serious for a moment. All too often, this holiday is turned into something devoted to food.

Now, don't get me wrong - I love the food prepared around Thanksgiving. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and all sorts of pumpkin flavored delicacies. HOWEVER, we here at NMFY would like to remind you folks of the real heart behind this wonderful day.

This isn't about the history behind it, this is about being truly grateful for the blessings you have. We here in America, are among some of the wealthiest people in the world, and odds are, you're not too bad off if you can be reading this.

So, take this time to think about what you have to be thankful for. Whether it's your family, your friends, your faith, your possessions, or just the food on your plate or the clothes on your back, be thankful.

And after you figure out what it is you're thankful for - and you had better have figured out something - let's do something novel and KEEP BEING THANKFUL. I'm not saying to be happy or cheery or nauseatingly chipper all the time. What I am saying is to remember that you are really blessed, in one way or another.

So, to round things out, I'm gonna let you folks have a little peek into my life. I'm thankful for my friends, who have been there for me through thick and thin. I'm thankful for my family, who, even though they can get a tad aggravating from time to time, still love me and always welcome me home with open arms.

So now, it's your turn. Think about all the people and things you have in your life. Then, show gratitude to those people. And continue to show that gratitude ever day. Happy Thanksgiving, dear readers.

How To Train Your Muffin

So, I haven't updated in what, about 3 months? If this upsets you, not only do I not care, but wish only grievances and pain upon you and any small fuzzy animals in your vicinity. Now, on to talking something other than you.

How To Train Your Dragon has my bid for the greatest animated movie of the year. This is not something I say lightly, as this year has been a veritable 50-megaton nuclear strike of fantasticness in digitally rendered tastiness. Dreamworks is continually surprising me. A pattern has emerged showing whenever they don't do sequels, they're movies are more fantastic than butter on toast (as also evidenced in MegaMind, another movie I may get around to this week...maybe). How can it be that this movie, based loosely on a children's book, wins out over the rest though?

Firstly, the soundtrack is intensely awesome. Now, I have a bit of a personal bias towards celtic-esque, big orchestral productions, but so should you. There are only two or three major themes present, but they're so epic you find yourself wanting more of them instead of more variety. Not that there isn't enough variety though. John Powell has done an incredible job of not only coming up with scores I find myself whistling as I walk to and from classes, but an almost deity-level job of creating them for the movie itself. There are a few scenes when the music is allowed to dominate the beautiful animations that I want to frame in an art museum and loop over and over again whilst punching anyone who says "That isn't art." in the liver.

How To Train Your Dragon could stand up on the music and art alone, but it doesn't! It's like a well-trained Olympic sprinter who decided he would strap a Saturn V rocket to his ass just because he can. That lunar-capable ass-rocket is the story and comedy. The story isn't anything horribly special, the formula's a classic. It's so well executed though, that you don't care that you "could've called what happens next." The main contributer to this is the comedy. It's original and worth a good laugh or two, but will leave you smiling no matter what.

I only have one concern so far regarding this movie, and it's the fact that a sequels on the way; hopefully DreamWorks won't screw it up, but my hopes aren't too high.

Regardless, if you haven't gotten around to How To Train Your Dragon Yet then don't do anything else until you do...not even using the toilet...it'll just be angry at you and nobody wants an angry crapper.

>EpicError

What Separates Me From Muffins

What Separates Me From You by A Day To Remember
1. "Sticks & Bricks"
2. "All I Want"
3. "It's Complicated"
4. "This Is the House That Doubt Built"
5. "2nd Sucks"
6. "Better Off This Way"
7. "All Signs Point to Lauderdale"
8. "You Be Tails, I'll Be Sonic"
9. "Out of Time"
10. "If I Leave"

Recommended If You Like: Four Year Strong, Lions Lions, All At Risk

Pop-moshers around the world rejoice! A Day To Remember has finally released their follow-up to 2009's Homesick, and they've once again shown that they really are the rightful kings of this genre. Blending pop-punk and hardcore/metalcore comes easily to these Florida boys, and they know how to use that talent.

What Separates Me From You is a roller coaster of emotion, with tracks ranging from the absolutely brutal to radio-friendly, yet true to their sound. They haven't changed their sound much from their last release, however, which left me very relieved. Homesick is one of my favorite albums, and it consistently finds its way back onto my playlist.

"Sticks And Bricks" takes you by the hand and hurls you headlong into a metalcore driven effort to kickstart What Separates Me From You, with Jeremy McKinnon's vocals growling through the verse before giving way to a melodic chorus. ADTR really knows how to grab your attention on the album opener. They follow it up with "All I Want", a more melodic effort. I can't help but draw similarities between this song and songs off of Homesick, and I like being able to do that. "It's Complicated" lets the pop-punk side of things show a little more obviously, with a poppy guitar intro and McKinnon's clean vocals guiding the way. An acoustic guitar with a little touch of overdrive intros the next track "This Is The House That Doubt Built". This song switches between a ballad-like chorus and heavy verses. "2nd Sucks" fades in and starts with a clip from what I can only hope is the announcer from Mortal Kombat shouting "FIGHT!", before breaking into one big breakdown of a track.

ADTR starts the second half of the album with "Better Off This Way". With driving guitars and drums that give way to a flowing chorus. It makes an appearance earlier in the album as well, but if my ears don't deceive me, they've got a piano lending its aid fairly prominently during the chorus. In my opinion, this was a great decision on their part because it really fits the mood of the song well. "All Signs Point To Lauderdale" begins with some palm muted guitars and McKinnon singing the chorus calmly, before the full force comes in and rounds out their pop-mosh sound. "You Be Tails, I'll Be Sonic" might be my favorite song on the album, and not just because of the title (though that did contribute). They once again move to the melodic metalcore sound they do so well, and it's just an all around fun track. They follow that up with "Out Of Time", a pop-punk infused hard-rocking song. What Separates Me From You closes up shop with "If I Leave". They play a little bit of a trick on the listener by starting it with a soft, clean guitar riff. That ramps up suddenly to a full blown, hard-hitting guitar and drum onslaught.

Overall, A Day To Remember have delivered another stellar album. What Separates Me From You is familiar, but not recycled. It has the good old ADTR sound, but stands apart from their other albums. They have crafted an enjoyable listen that I highly recommend picking up.

Between The Muffins

It took 'em long enough, but Memphis May Fire are back with a new EP: Between The Lies. Is it as good as Sleepwalker? No. Is it worth listening to? Absolutely.

My biggest complaint about this release is that the southern comfort found in their previous albums is very hard to find. So hard to find, in fact, that it only makes one obvious appearance. I love post-hardcore, but the reason I loved MMF more than most post-hardcore is because they blended that southern element into their music so seemlessly.

Between The Lies begins with "Be Careful What You Wish For". MMF does something they really never did before and intros it with a bit of synth before getting down to business. After they do, in fact, get down to business, this opener is everything I've known and loved about MMF and then some. They've got the southern bite on the guitars, only everything is even heavier. Vocals feature a layering this time around on some of the screamed and clean parts, giving both aspects a better depth - a deeper pitch, which is refreshing. "Action/Adventure" lacks the down home southern lovin' of "Be Careful", however, as does the rest of this release. After that first track, Between The Lies sounds like the love child of Oh, Sleeper and Underoath - not a bad thing, but not the Memphis May Fire I loved.

Track three, "Vaulted Ceilings", starts off with a lot of atmospheric synth and effects on the guitars and drums that slowly builds to a brutal finish. "Deuces Las Cruces" brings the post-hardcore/metal back to the forefront. The guitars are fast and heavy, the bass is carrying the low end, and the drums are pummeling. Memphis May Fire close out their EP with "Gingervitus". This song brings to mind the aforementioned bands moreso than any other one on this release. That is not a bad thing, because they do this incredibly well. MMF continues to express top-notch musicianship and mastery of their instruments.

Between The Lies is not a bad release - quite the opposite, in fact, it is a spectacular EP. As I stated at the beginning of this review, the only complaint I had about this whole release is that it lacks the southern feel that truly made Memphis May Fire stand out from the crowd. Hopefully they'll bring that element back before they release their next album.

Anthems for Muffins

Brutal is back in town, boys and girls, and it has a name: Messengers, a five-piece thrash/hardcore band out of Dallas, TX. Hearkening back to the cross-over days of the 90's, these guys bring you some good old fashioned thrash metal.

They've been compared to such bands as Jesus Wept and No Innocent Victim, and though I can see the similarities, Messengers takes the foundations set by those bands and goes a step farther. They really do mesh hardcore and thrash metal perfectly, with nothing sounding too repetitive. Oh, and let's not forget that Messengers is the first good Spirit-filled hardcore release I've had the privilege of listening to in a long time.

Anthems is their debut EP on Facedown affiliate Strike First Records, and I'd like to extend a huge thank you to whoever signs the contracts over there. This is one of the best releases of 2010, and it'll find itself getting a lot of play time on my playlist.

Anthems opens up with "Shipwreck", a track that starts out slow with some feedback and noise that builds in volume until the guitar kicks in with a simple, speedy riff. Then a growl that truly brings back the feel of the Spirit-filled hardcore of the 90's fills your ears, courtesy of Chad Paramore - this man has a set of pipes. Now, I'm not a huge fan of pure hardcore, or the brand of hardcore popularized by bands such as Throwdown and Terror, so I was hesitant as I was listening to this first track. Then they've got this breakout solo that comes like a breath of fresh air, and that was all it took - I was sold on Anthems. "Creation" follows it up with some more thrashy guitars and crunchy growls. The third track, "Domicile" switches things up with a slow building instrumental intro. It gives a nice reprieve from the onslaught that was the first two songs. It builds to a crescendo, before the vocals come in to finish the track up.

Track four gets us back on the thrash/hardcore train to Brutalville, non-stop for the rest of the EP. "Weight" really embodies the Spirit-filled hardcore style of bands such as No Innocent Victim, and I think it's a great throwback. And it transitions seamlessly into my favorite song on the album "Judge". With Chad screaming "Who are you to judge? Who died and made you judge?", you'll have to fight hard to not throw your fist in the air and scream along. "Palerose" is up next with some more thrash style guitars and drums, which they round out with a wicked little solo. Messengers closes up their debut effort with the title track "Anthems" - a hardcore infused, hard-hitting finisher.

Overall, Anthems is a release that I was a bit skeptical of, to be honest. I'd heard nothing but high praise for it, and that always makes me nervous. However, Messengers not only lived up to this praise, but exceeded it. Anthems is one of the most solid EPs I've heard in a while, and I'm excited to see what this band will do with a full-length.

Ø (Muffins)

Ok, everyone's heard of Underoath. I know you have. If you haven't, then you're wrong, and you really have, you just didn't realize it. They've been around forever, and they've been constantly evolving from sound to sound. However, they appear to have found one that they fit perfectly.

Now, before I hear any whining about the fact that they aren't really Underoath any more, because they lost the last original member, I'm going to tell you to shut up. Yes, Aaron left. Yes, that means that none of the founding members are left. BUT many of the members have been in the band since the departure of Dallas way back in the day. This is still Underoath. Period. End of discussion. Good, now that that's out of the way, on to the music.

Ø (Disambiguation) is the seventh - that's right, the SEVENTH - release, and it is once again brought to us by Tooth & Nail Records. This time around, the boys of Underoath bring a much more atmospheric, darker, and heavier album to the table. It's full of mood-setting bass and synth, layered with crushing guitars. Also, the drums have been taken up a notch by Aaron Gillespie's replacement, Daniel Davison (formerly of Norma Jean). The album opens up with a very flowing and ambient, yet brutal track entitled "In Division". Spencer Chamberlain's vocals are as perfect as ever, and, with Aaron's departure, Spence has been able to step up to fill in on clean vocal duties  as well. "Catch Myself Catching Myself" has a little discordant feel to it through the verses, though it doesn't quite hit a chaotic style, before it resolves to a melodious chorus. The next track, "Paper Lung", changes pace a little bit, with clean vocals dominating the song. The guitars and bass really contribute an ambiance to give an almost ethereal mood to the song. However, by the end of the song they have transitioned back to the screams, shred-tacular guitars, and crushing drums. "Illuminator" brings us some more of that heavy sound Underoath does oh so well.

"Driftwood" changes pace once again - this synth and drum driven song really let Chamberlain shine on the clean vocals, which give an almost haunting feel to it. "A Divine Eradication" and "Who Will Guard The Guardians?" bring more of the discordant-yet-melody driven Underoath we've grown to know and love. Up next is the bass-fueled "Reversal", an ethereal, chaotic track. These Tampa boys crank up the speed with "Vacant Mouth" and "My Deteriorating Incline", pulling from their hardcore influences to really rip through the songs. Ø (Disambiguation) comes to a close with the aptly named "In Completion", which once again showcases Tim's singing ability. As the guitars build, they contribute such a dark, heavy weight to the choruses. A little over halfway through it, Spence switches back to his guttural growls before letting the album slowly fade down to the end.

I've been a long-time Underoath fan. I've listened to them from their first full length (The Changing Of The Times) straight up until now. I've seen members come and go, I've seen their style change. And after all this time, I can say with full confidence that Ø (Disambiguation) is the best and most mature Underoath release to date. They've grown as musicians and as people, and that growth shines through on this album. Ø (Disambiguation) is more than worth your time, so be sure to check it out.

Genocidal Muffins

It's once again time to delve back into one of the areas that I find unbelievably fun for a break. These are the kinds of those games that fall into the genre of unmistakable genocide. A mindless killing experience that lightens the mood from all the quests and objectives that today's games find themselves lost in. Games like Serious Sam, the original Doom series, and other games that I haven't had time to beat. No this isn't a specific game review, but it's more of a genre review in preparation for my next section of games. These are the kinds of games that make you leap for joy and the sheer mass of baddies that fall before your rapidly firing weapons.

Games that call themselves shooters very often find themselves being dragged into escort missions and treasure quests that lead to more arbitrary tasks that include stealth and style. Now I'm not saying that those kinds of shooters are bad, quite the contrary, I enjoy them more than most other types of games that I play. However I do tire of the constant similarity between the games with the quest and I get drawn into a daze with the constant cut-scenes that can't be skipped and the mindless story that they shovel down your throat in an attempt to get you to identify with the characters that babble away at your face with their pixelated mouths flapping like bullet riddled flags in the mild wind that plagues your environment constantly. I find that these kind of breaks in the game will kill the flow and while in some cases they can add a very personable element to your character, it also makes you sadder when you end up dying, making it feel like you actually let someone down instead of not giving a flying unicorn's shit when you die; then it's simply a break in the murder frenzy that gets vaguely annoying the more it happens. But as the games go on, you get better at avoiding the enemy fire until you can kill them and it gets to the point where you're so overpowered that nothing can touch you except for the bosses. Eventually it just gets aggravatingly easy and you stop playing the game until you basically forget what you're doing.

  Getting back to the main point of this rant, the other side of shooters being the more mindless of the massacre style games. Most of the time they don't bother you with plot and only ask you to kill everything that moves. You can do other things if you want, but you don't have to. Sure there are side quests, but they aren't really important. Bonus objectives show up every now and then but again, they don't hold much credence when you're looking at the game as a whole. Sure you might get some undeserved sense of achievement for completing all of them but it's like saying that you can balance a machete on your nose while eating live goldfish. Yeah you'll get some props for it, but it gets old after the fifth time you show it to someone. Now you might say that killing people over and over and over without reprieve will get boring but I believe you're sadly mistaken. Not only do you get to kill everything, but you can do it however you want to. You get the multitudes of weapons that you can experiment with on the untold hordes of baddies that will eventually plague your screen. It may just be me, but I find this to be quite mood-lifting when given that freedom. Sure it's linear, but then do you really want to have to figure out where to go while being raped by thousands of monsters that want you dead. It does get to be tiring after the eighth time you have to stop to deal with a mass of bodies between you and your next opportunity to find out where you need to go.
Drawing this rant to a close, I find myself wishing for a few more of the mindless genocidal fun of games like Serious Sam. The graphics are lacking and the story is nonexistent but that's not what you should be playing these kinds of games for. These are made for you to kill, murder, maim, gut, stab, rend, and tear your enemies to little tiny gore-ridden pieces. Fun, no?

>Ryft

Muffin's Blood

For those not in the know, Alexisonfire (pronounced "Alexis On Fire"), has been on the post-hardcore/punk scene for quite some time - nearly a decade now, in fact. And they've managed to maintain all but one original member. They've got four full length releases under their belt, with the best, in my opinion, being 2006's Crisis.

Now, they're back in town with a four song EP entitled Dog's Blood. A lot of fans had complaints about the direction AOF had started to take with their latest LP Old Crows/Young Cardinals. It would appear that the band heard and decided to do something about it. Dog's Blood brings back the borderline hardcore feel of old AOF with a vengeance. Now, like I said above, I absolutely loved Crisis - I consider it not only AOF's best, but it is also one of my all time favorite records. This EP takes some cues from that style, but speeds them up and cranks the volume to 11.

The title track starts our musical journey off with a single guitar and the drums keeping pace. I received my first, albeit my only, disappointment at this point when I heard the production on the EP. It's not of the same caliber of previous AOF releases, and I'll be honest, it hurt my initial opinion of Dog's Blood. However, they quickly made up for it with George Pettit's and Dallas Green's scream/clean vocal combination. The two work together perfectly to give this EP the perfect AOF sound that we all have grown to love.

Track two, "Grey",  brings a little swing beat to the party and some haunting guitars courtesy of heavy reverb effects. Pettit's gritty vocals float through the air, complementing the downtrodden feel of the whole song. "Black As Jet" follows next with a punk beat and guitars to match. I really enjoyed the play on words here in the title, and the song really shows a talent for crafting an enjoyable song to listen to.

AOF closes up their latest effort with a long instrumental - just over 6 minutes long. "Vex" has everything ranging from atmospheric, quiet gutiars with a bass to match to bluesy solos to rock 'n' roll lead parts. The boys of AOF really showcase the talent they have in this EP-closer.

Overall, I really enjoyed this EP, even if it was only four songs long. It shows that Alexisonfire are still doing what they do best: keeping the heart and soul of post-hardcore alive. Definitely check out Dog's Blood. Now.

Muffin Swarm

Yet again I'm without money so I'll dip back into a game I got for free. Yes free. No not illegally free. I got this game 100% no-strings-attached, beat you to death with a corgi if you don't believe me free. ironically enough, despite it being so free, it was still pretty awesome, though it is hard to experience with a bad internet connection.

This game is called Alien Swarm. It is a break from normal shooters as it takes the appearance of an RTS game with it's top-down style of viewing. It takes more things from other games, as it uses the L4D style of the four player gameplay. During the offline practice mode, you have three AI computer partners that help you by performing tasks you cannot along the way to your destination. I do have to say that having intelligent AI for once in something that isn't L4D is somewhat mood-lifting to me, as generally they are dumber than a Saint Bernard after it had been used to club baby seals. Other than the fact that you have smart AI, the game actually lives up to it's name. As you go into it, there are actually large swarms of aliens that come to lay eggs in your lower intestine or something.

The gameplay is pretty straight forward. You have a gun and aliens have blood and guts that are still intact. Remedy this situation promptly. I'm not really sure if there is a story hidden in the game, but I'm sure there is because there -always- is. Game developers don't know what to do with a game if there's no story save for Valve (Yay for TF2) and speaking of Valve GUESS WHO MADE THE GAME? But at any rate, you've got four different classes of person that you can use to kill things with, all with a different combination of skills and weapons. I'm not going to list them all for you because I really don't feel like trying to find the list because, like you, I'm lazy. If you weren't lazy, you'd have just gotten the game for yourself instead of reading what someone else thinks of the game. Congratulations. On top of the different classes you can play as two sets of characters, each set having the same classes, just different people. Awesome.

The enemies are not terribly smart if you start off in easy mode, and I didn't get to progress much higher because I was promptly kicked out of the group I was in because of my laggy interwebs. This being said, I did get to find that there are a multitude of maps with a multitude of missions and you can mix and match character sets with your teammates to best suit the situation. You -have- to work together or else you will die. No ifs about it, you -will- die. Killing enemies, unlocking doors, waiting on really slow elevators... it's not innovative in the way of obstacles and objectives, but you have to give them credit for trying something new with all the old stuff attached. The enemies aren't terribly smart in the first few levels either... You might be able to get away with less than four people if you're good. Which if you're reading this review, I doubt you are.

In conclusion, I enjoyed this game thoroughly with the two hours that I put into researching it simply so that I had another game to review. It can stand as a game on it's own, all though it would have been really nice to see them put in a little more that you can do single player and offline. You gotta work on that next time! Either way though, it was worth the nothing that I paid and I'd do it again simply because of that fact. Hooray for being broke!

>Ryft

Muffins From The Grave

Ladies and gents, after a long silence, I return with nothing short of a masterpiece.

Deathcore wizards Conducting From The Grave have returned with their much anticipated followup to 2009's When Legends Become Dust. And they really bring down the house. Again.

Revenants starts out with a clean instrumental guitar riff, with the dual guitars harmonizing nicely. The calm is more like a brief respite before the true storm arrives, and arrive it does with a thunderous roar. Drums pounding, tremolo picking on the guitars, and a wicked bassline provide the groundwork for the album opener "And Our War Will Dawn". This track really sets the tone for the rest of Revenants. Both "The Tyrant's Throne" and "Unholiest Of Nightmares" follow the same style set in the first one, with crushing drums and guitarwork interlaced with growls and shrieks that would curl the skin of the devil himself. However, "Unholiest Of Nightmares" breaks things up with a little jazzy interlude toward the end of it, just to showcase their talent.

"Her Poisoned Tongues" is one of my favorite songs off the album because of the absolutely brutal breakdown at the end of it. Mikey Powell starts screaming, "Where will you turn when you've burned every bridge you've built and have to answer for every drop of blood you've spilled?" You will get off your feet, and you will throw down. Wherever are, whatever you're doing, you'll stop and you'll have this overwhelming compulsion to start a circle pit.

"Path Of A Traitor" has some more of the hardcore influence to it and has a blistering pace, as does "Nevermore". "We Who Shall Conquer" is yet another example of the mastery John Abernathy and Jeff Morgan have over their guitars. They switch gears with a slower, but no less heavy, song with "Curse In The Twilight". The title track implements some creative work with distortion effects to create a truly eerie, atmospheric death metal song.

Revenants comes to a close with a two part song. "What Monsters We Have Become, Part 1" features incredibly intricate and technical guitars, with an equally as complex bassline courtesy of Steven Lovas and top-notch drums from Greg Donnelly. They also bring some clean vocals in. I know a lot of people hate clean vocals in the metal scene, and I don't know why, especially not if they are used as expertly as they are in this track. They fit the mood of the song perfectly. "Part 2" opens with another jazzy portion that builds to a jazz/metal/awesome finish with the screams of "what monsters we have become!" bringing all the pieces together masterfully.

Overall, Conducting From The Grave survived some potentially fatal lineup changes, only to come out the other end stronger than ever and put forth a spectacular sophomore album in the form of Revenants. It's brutal, it's catchy, and it's absolutely dripping talent - it's one of the best metal albums this year.

Filler Muffins

THAT MUFFIN'S FOR YOU!!!
Oh, wait, no it's not.  It's in the computer, you shouldn't have fallen for that.
Now you're disappointed AND you don't have a muffin
AND you feel like an Idiot...  and yet you keep coming back.
You just enjoy disappointment, don't you.  

Ok, this should be updated more often, but it's not; you should get used to that, unless you enjoy having disappointment as an integral part of your life experience.  Good, now that you're over that; this post is pure filler, there's nothing here, it's an 'update', but it's not, it's a post so we can say the site has activity, and that we're not ALL lazy bastards, see, I'm not, it's just everyone else.  So, yeah, you've wasted your time reading this; enjoy that.  But, you'll keep reading these, because one day, someone will post a real article here, and then your life will have meaning, or, at least the time you spent reading this gibberish will be somewhat validated.  Other than that, I have nothing to say; I was just pointing out that we're here, we apparently have control over your thoughts and actions as evidenced by the fact that you just read this nonsense, and that one day we might stop wasting your time, or, more precisely, someone else that writes for this site will stop wasting your time- I have no intention of stopping.  But hey, at least I put an aweosme picture at the bottom of the page!!
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Or, wait, no I didn't.

See, more disappointment; what'd I tell you.

You're just bad at this game.

Go home, try something else, maybe knitting, that might be more your speed as you're obviously not meant to be on the internet.

Oh Muffins

Ok, I know it's been a while, but we all have lives outside of the interwebs. Hard to believe, I know, but we do.

However, I have returned to bring you news of a magnificent band that is on its way up. Oh Constantine is a four piece metalcore outfit from Harleysville, PA. These boys have a lot of talent, and even more passion for what they do. As evidenced by a recent show I was fortunate enough to attend, Oh Constantine is a devoutly Christian band who truly want to use their music to spread love and hope.

Into The Beginning is the second EP from these Pennsylvanian boys, and it shows a spectacular amount of growth. It kicks off with an intro track that slowly builds force with guitars (Kevin Saurman and Mike Cabbibo) and drums (Brandon Wesley) giving way to some absolutely brutal vocals by Geordie Ditter. The next song, entitled "Release The Lions" launches in with a technical little guitar riff before Ditter's vocals come crashing back in. "Alliance" follows suit with absolutely amazing melodic guitar work to complement the sheer force of the vocals and drums. "Raised By Another" showcases the guitar and drum work with technical and polished introduction that lead perfectly into the rest of the song. The technicality doesn't stop there, though, as Saurman and Cabbibo unleash a two part guitar attack that will leave you floored. The EP closes with "The Shape Of Things To Come", which starts of with an ambient, yet heavy instrumental piece. As the song progresses, there is a masterful juxtaposition of clean and distorted guitar parts working as a background for Ditter's absolutely brutal vocal style.

Overall, I was incredibly impressed with Into The Beginning. Oh Constantine is just getting started, and they already have put out a work with more talent and heart than the majority of other bands out there. Here's hoping they stick with it and keep the incredible music and message coming!

>Pawn

iTouch Muffins

Ok, so I just saw the new iPod nano (a month ago, when I actually started writing this: yes, I'm a lazy bastard), and feel compelled to review it, even though I don't own it, haven't actually seen it in person, touched it, used it, talked with it, took it out to dinner, or looked into it beyond a few pictures and paragraphs of Apple propaganda and a 20 second commercial.

Like you've never lost a watch before, oh, you haven't?
Then, you're a lying hipster douche.

But that doesn't matter.  And why, you ask?

Because it's a fucking 1.5 inch touch screen.  Am I the only sane person that thinks that's batshit retarded?  I mean, sure, it looks nifty, but that's basically all apple does anymore, so who the fuck cares?  But, nifty and sexy though that little gadget may be; that's one tiny ass touchscreen, one which will be obscured by your thumb most of the time.  What that means, is that it'll be a finicky bitch to use.  You don't touch it just right, and it won't do what you want, it'll get angry with you, it'll bitch and complain that you're not doing it right, skipping all your favorite songs; sure, you might be able to hit the fast forward button, but you still don't have a fucking clue how to make it louder.  And since it's tiny, like, the circus midget of mp3 players tiny, that means you'll probably lose it, and then it'll feel neglected, and you'll feel silly, because you'll be the only one out of all your friends that can't find your tiny finicky touch screen when all the other cool kids are playing with their music players and having a fun time with their normal ass buttons, then you'll feel left out, and it'll go back to bitching at you, and you'll feel bad, and you'll try to make up for it by paying more attention; but you're still not good at using the fucking touch screen right, and you'll somehow get it stuck on fast forward and all your favorite songs that it plays will be reduced to 30 second sound clips: clips that you still can't make louder than a whisper.  And all your friends will laugh at you, because they can make their music players do whatever they want without a fuss while you're stuck finicking with your bitchy touchscreen- still without music, and feeling stupid.  So you'll put it away for a while, and you'll try an iPod touch, the bigger screen will surely be less finicky, and you'll try to get better; but when you go back to your little circus midget you'll just get flustered, and all the bad memories will come back to you, and you'll get frustrated and be completely unable to make any music come out of the touch screen whatsoever.  

That, and they're like legos that you can touch inappropriately.
Who thought that was a good idea?  Didn't Michael Jackson
ruin enough childhoods?  

Oh, and it'll clip onto your shirt; like anyone gives half a flying shit about that.  Or, you could wear it like a watch, but then you're just admitting defeat, and you'll be mocked even more by your friends because you bought a $150 watch that you have to charge daily and won't do anything that you want it to do because you're completely inept.

OR, maybe it's a great product and you're just fucking pants-on-head-retarded and should probably spend your time out meeting girls and having a social life instead of letting me verbally abuse you, but if this iPod is giving you problems, I think I'll say just go out and meet girls.

And if this iPod review in any way resembles your life, like, for reals, then you deserve it, and I don't feel sorry for you.  

Rock & Muffins Ain't Dead

What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is some gold ol' fashioned, down home southern goodness. Embracing Goodbye has crafted a pure southern metal album. This North Carolina five-piece has come to give you a taste of the south, and make sure you never forget it.

Rock & Roll Ain't Dead is the debut full length from Embracing Goodbye, and was released through Driven Music Group earlier this year. Somehow, I managed to miss out on these guys until about two weeks ago when I mistakenly stumbled upon them. I am so glad I did.

Southern metal, for those who don't know, is a style of music that combines metal (usually a post-hardcore or thrash style) with a swing beat. To put it simply, it gives you heavy music that you just want to get up and move to. Oh, and it's got 13 tracks with a runtime of just shy of an hour. Yeah, they didn't short-change you.

No intro track could convey the way EG operates, so they decided to get right to the punch with "And the Horse You Rode In On". It's got a swinging, thrashing guitar opener with drums to match. Then we get Paul Huffman's dirty, gritty vocals. I don't know if a man has ever been more suited to a job than Paul, because his style is the essence of southern metal. With a wonderful ability to switch from clean, albeit gritty, to guttural growls, he gives weight to the lyrics that demands a listen. "Hm Is A Drt" is the next standout, with a wicked little southern riff to kick it off and the rest of the band follows suit. "The Reckoning of John Law" gives us a different angle of this style, with clean vocals and screams working together to provide an anthem that will get you up out of your seat.

Now, what good southern boy could possibly forget his mama? Not these ones, that for sure. "Mama" is a rip-roaring good time with breakdowns galore. My personal favorite, "Twelve Gauge Vices" hits like a shotgun blast to the chest. Embracing Goodbye pulls all the punches on this one, throwing breakdowns, hooks, and growls in everywhere. They close the album with "There's a Click Before the Strike", which is a two-stage attack in the form of a hidden track. Part one is the thrashingly good time we've grown to love. Part two starts off as what can only be described as a ballad (and there are few things in life better than a southern ballad) and builds into a heavy finisher.

Southern metal is an extremely underrated and underappreciated genre of music. It combines the energy of swing with the passion of metal, and I would love to see more of it. Embracing Goodbye has put together an album that rivals the works of southern metal greats like Maylene and the Sons of Disaster and The Showdown. In a genre that is only beginning to build its foundation, the boys of EG have laid down something that I truly hope stands the test of time. Definitely give these guys a spin, because they definitely proved that rock and roll is alive and kicking.

>Pawn

Clean Muffins EP

Oceana is an average four piece indie rock band out of Florida. However, this was not always the case! They used to be a very talented quintet that played a post-hardcore style with a vengeance. However, that band apparently broke up in 2009, and this group of people that were once part of that greatness have since fallen so far.

I want to be very clear. I have nothing against indie rock that is done well. If it has talent, if it has quality musicianship, if it has originality, I can appreciate it, even if I don't like it. This EP has none of those things.

Clean Head opens with "Blue". A rather generic guitar riff, lacking any semblance of their previous overdrive laced glory, with a drum fill reminiscent of the old days laying down the back drop brings the track in. Now, at this point, you may be thinking, "Ok, this isn't the Oceana I knew, but maybe this'll still be good." Then the vocals kick in and your hopes are shattered. From a band that had such incredible vocal prowess on both the clean and screamed spectra, this was possibly the biggest disappointment. "Barracuda, Capital of the World" is the next offering on this abomination unto music, and it opens with what I suppose is a bluesy guitar bit and ambient vocals, but it's not done well. This progression of failure continues as the song goes on, and it really never gets better.

Track 3 is entitled "Wool God" and features the same barely distorted guitar that by now will be grating on your earholes to the point that you'll probably just want to turn this atrocity off and ask for your money and time back from whatever poor soul sold it to you. It has such a generic, tired feel to it that you'll wonder how many times you've listened to someone else play this before. Finally, we come to the aptly named closing song "Joy", as this is probably what you are feeling when you learn that this is the end of it. They open it once again using a mediocre guitar/drum combo. However, believe it or not, when the vocals kick in, they sound even worse than before due to a warble that found its way into his voice. They decided to throw a guitar "solo" in about halfway through the song. I use "solo" very loosely, because it's more like a beginner's guitar riff than a solo.

Even from a technical aspect, this EP really isn't very good. The mixing sounds like something they did themselves in a basement using crappy equipment and Audacity. The only high point is that all of the instruments are present, even the bass.

Clean Head is definitely a rebirth of a band. Unfortunately, this band decided to move away from something they did very well and try to produce something they are not suited for in the least. I can only hope this was merely a phase, and that their next release will bring us back a taste of the old Oceana.

>Pawn