Standing Like a Muffin

Ok, so, I was pondering humanity again.  And I was doing said pondering while walking, and, while walking an interesting phenomenon occurred.  This phenomenon is one that, I can scarcely call a 'phenomenon' in that it happens all the fucking time, but, what occurred was that the person who was walking in front of me just stopped.  Stopped.  In the middle of the fucking sidewalk, the middle of the crowded sidewalk, the sidewalk that other people, namely ME, were trying to, lets see here, WALK ON, and they were STANDING in the middle of it, completely oblivious to the idea, the concept, the very possibility that there may be other people in existence that may, possibly, want to use that same sidewalk as them, and, again, what were they doing?  Standing there, having a motherfucking conversation.

Yes, I've finally found the problem with humanity, the reason we don't have flying cars and robot espresso machines, the reason the future hasn't come yet.
Them.
The time-space continuum doesn't even like them.
They are the problem.

This is what you're looking for.
I'm not sure how it's gonna work, but that's between you and the car
I don't want to know.  

And, if by some unfortunate circumstance, you find that you are the problem then there are two things you can do about that.  The first is to go fucking play in traffic, and don't take the word fucking as an adjective either, it's a verb, and that's how you get to remove yourself from the gene pool, by engine fucking a passing '86 mustang being driven by Sir DoucheCunt McFagBags at 88 mph with Oprah riding shotgun.  The second option, is that you simply don't stop in the middle of the damn walkway to have a conversation while everyone else has somewhere to be, somewhere where they contribute to society and progress humanity farther from the dark ages where dumb-asses like you would still have us standing complacently in the middle of sidewalks wasting civilization away while the barbarians sack Rome and Skynet nukes the shit out of Australia and your dog.

Oh.  And guess what.  I can back my vindictive, righteous anger up with SCIENCE.  Yeah, that shit that you failed in hight school and the reason you're working at Burger King, it's coming back to bite you in the ass.  Because YOU are what your body would consider to be a HEART ATTACK.  YOU are what causes ischemic strokes.  YOU cause necrosis.  And how does this connection make one iota of sense?  Guess what causes all those death-type illnesses (death types have a bonus against healthy living abilities, but are weak against anti-coagulant type medications).  Blood clots, but not just a blood clot, a blood clot that was circulating through the blood stream, all nice and normal like, but the it stopped in the middle of an important artery and RUINED EVERYTHING JUST LIKE YOU.  And not the 'ruined everything' that your parents told you  because you were a drunken accident they couldn't put up for adoption.  You are the social analog of a heart attack and a stroke- you are everything that's wrong with society and your degree of ignorance about other people will be what brings about the end of civilization as we know it, so, when we're being raped in the ass by motherfucking alien pterodactyl sex monsters with tentacles I'll blame you.     

YOUR FAULT.
You dumb walking fail cunt.
Go fuck a toaster.
And make sure it's plugged in.
And set to "Hellfire"

Oh, and seeing as it is now the Holiday Season, if you do that 'stopping thing' in a crowded mall...
They'll cancel Christmas, and all of the sad orphans in the world will blame you.
And Santa will send you and all your relatives uncaged Ebola Monkeys on Christmas morning.
Ebola Monkeys.

Merry Christmas.

Enjoy Dissolving.