iTouch Muffins

Ok, so I just saw the new iPod nano (a month ago, when I actually started writing this: yes, I'm a lazy bastard), and feel compelled to review it, even though I don't own it, haven't actually seen it in person, touched it, used it, talked with it, took it out to dinner, or looked into it beyond a few pictures and paragraphs of Apple propaganda and a 20 second commercial.

Like you've never lost a watch before, oh, you haven't?
Then, you're a lying hipster douche.

But that doesn't matter.  And why, you ask?

Because it's a fucking 1.5 inch touch screen.  Am I the only sane person that thinks that's batshit retarded?  I mean, sure, it looks nifty, but that's basically all apple does anymore, so who the fuck cares?  But, nifty and sexy though that little gadget may be; that's one tiny ass touchscreen, one which will be obscured by your thumb most of the time.  What that means, is that it'll be a finicky bitch to use.  You don't touch it just right, and it won't do what you want, it'll get angry with you, it'll bitch and complain that you're not doing it right, skipping all your favorite songs; sure, you might be able to hit the fast forward button, but you still don't have a fucking clue how to make it louder.  And since it's tiny, like, the circus midget of mp3 players tiny, that means you'll probably lose it, and then it'll feel neglected, and you'll feel silly, because you'll be the only one out of all your friends that can't find your tiny finicky touch screen when all the other cool kids are playing with their music players and having a fun time with their normal ass buttons, then you'll feel left out, and it'll go back to bitching at you, and you'll feel bad, and you'll try to make up for it by paying more attention; but you're still not good at using the fucking touch screen right, and you'll somehow get it stuck on fast forward and all your favorite songs that it plays will be reduced to 30 second sound clips: clips that you still can't make louder than a whisper.  And all your friends will laugh at you, because they can make their music players do whatever they want without a fuss while you're stuck finicking with your bitchy touchscreen- still without music, and feeling stupid.  So you'll put it away for a while, and you'll try an iPod touch, the bigger screen will surely be less finicky, and you'll try to get better; but when you go back to your little circus midget you'll just get flustered, and all the bad memories will come back to you, and you'll get frustrated and be completely unable to make any music come out of the touch screen whatsoever.  

That, and they're like legos that you can touch inappropriately.
Who thought that was a good idea?  Didn't Michael Jackson
ruin enough childhoods?  

Oh, and it'll clip onto your shirt; like anyone gives half a flying shit about that.  Or, you could wear it like a watch, but then you're just admitting defeat, and you'll be mocked even more by your friends because you bought a $150 watch that you have to charge daily and won't do anything that you want it to do because you're completely inept.

OR, maybe it's a great product and you're just fucking pants-on-head-retarded and should probably spend your time out meeting girls and having a social life instead of letting me verbally abuse you, but if this iPod is giving you problems, I think I'll say just go out and meet girls.

And if this iPod review in any way resembles your life, like, for reals, then you deserve it, and I don't feel sorry for you.