MuffinBreakers

About as similar to 'The Matrix' and '28 Days Later' as it
is to 'Mean Girls' and 'Barbie's Princess Pony'.

Ok, so, the movie Daybreakers.  Lets start off with my official rating: on a scale of one to ten, this movie gets a "What the Fuck" because that's what I ended up asking myself more than every other scene.  This movie doesn't even get numbers.  Why?  Because if it did, it would ruin them; this movie is why Hollywood can't have nice things.

Ok, so, review time, where do I even start here with this movie...?

Oh, right.

Lets start by asking "Where the hell did all the guns go?"
Seriously, where the fuck are the guns?  Did this movie forget that it involves people?  And that people, when oppressed by other people, governments, society, peers, vampires, etc, you get my point, anyway; people like to kill the shit that's oppressing them.  And guess what people do that with most of the time: guns.  And when they're not using guns, they're using bombs.  And don't give me that "but they're vampires, guns don't work bullshit."  One vampire gets knifed to death, I'm sure if a kitchen utensil can kill one, a 12 gauge shotgun will kill one every kind of dead.  Oh, and when you poke them, they asplode.  WHAT THE FUCK???!?!!?  you could go on a mass-vampire-murdering spree with a fucking Bic brand ballpoint pen.  You don't need concentration camps, firing squads, guns, weapons, an army, or even much hand-eye coordination to wipe out vampire; you need a fucking pen.  Oh, and instead of guns, they used crossbows; maybe that was to pay homage to the idea of staking one through the heart, but, i say again, knifing one to death worked pretty damn well, so... i ask again; where the hell were the guns?

Also, the most badass vampire in the movie (pictured above)
was a hobo/gardener.
This actually almost made 'Edward' seem manly by comparison. 

Ok, so, guns aren't really in this movie, and when they are, they're shooting tranquilizer darts; again, lame, but ok, i'll go with it for now.  The next question is: Why the hell does everyone drive a Chrysler 300C??  Ok, I understand that Chrysler sponsored the movie, and that they obviously wanted product placement with intrusiveness about on par with a frontal lobotomy, but still, they make more than one damn car- for real, go to a dealer, they have a lot of shit there that's not a 300C.  Or a Jeep.  Oh, and with the cars, they have special 'daylight driving' modes to protect the occupants from UV light, which is apparently the scientific explaination for vampires.  But, what they didn't even bother to think about or consider, it that glass, on it's own, blocks a ton of UV light; it's why you have to use quartz crystal when doing UV spectroscopy in analytical chemistry: factchecker, you should be fired.

Oh, the next WTF of the movie: starving vampires turn into crazed psychopathic killing machines with super strength, no conscience and a desire to kill everything, drink it, and then kill it again.  Again I ask: How the hell does this make one damn ounce of sense?  A little fyi: if you're starved, of ANYTHING, you do not become stronger, and you don't get elf ears.  You get the opposite, you get really fucking weak; like, standing up is a challenge weak.  You do not go "HULK SMASH" and launch people across rooms because they got between you and your happy meal.  More likely, you don't have enough strength to unwrap the cancer-burger in the happy meal.  ALTHOUGH, to be fair, if you are starving, and bloodsugar levels drop, neuron function is the first to go, so, they got the mental deterioration kinda right; but, again, we're talking about slipping into a coma and dying, not suddenly becoming Drunken-SuperMcAngry-Kung-fu-Hitler.

another valid "What the fuck?" question:
why the hell did they make all their new
buildings reflective if sunlight is lethal?
Am I the only one who thinks that's a
counterproductive health hazard?

Another "What the fuck?" moment:  vampires spontaneously explode.  In one of the opening scenes a vampire gets a 'scientific' procedure done on him where 'synthetic blood' is injected into him to test if it's useful, oh, wait, :spoiler:.  Anyway, they inject about 2-3 oz of this stuff into him, and he blows the fuck up.  Like, literally, he splatters across the entire room.  How the fuck did that happen?  What are vampires made of that apparently is so exothermic that if you don't say enough nice things to it it will explode and splatter you everywhere like a hampster in a microwave?

DISCLAIMER: We, here at NoMuffinsForYou, do not condone animal violence or the microwaving of any such small furry woodland creatures of children; I am only pointing out that they do, in fact, fit in microwaves, and that microwaving them may produce a 'popping' effect.

The story.  Ok, so... it's vaguely a commentary on America's dependency on oil, and by 'vaguely' I mean, it may as well be the title of the movie.  This movie could very well have had absolutely nothing to do with vampires and still made the same exact point; the only reason vampires were in the movie, is to get people caught in the 'vampire craze' to watch this shit, and by people, i really only mean Twilight fans who will watch anything if it's even hinted that something sparkles and there's a creep pedophile stalker.  It tries, it really does, but it misses out on the very core idea of vampires, and that is that vampires are badass motherfucking sons of bitches.  These vampires were what you'd get if you crossed Jersey Shore with Dr. Phil and that Mad Money guy, senseless drama, lack of identity, and for some dumbass reason they threw economics in there.  And my next question is.... Why the hell did this story have it's plot points in the first place?

This is humanity in the "The Future: The Dumbass Vampire Edition"
Because they've obviously forgotten that teenagers exist.

You have people turning into vampires by the masses so that the vampires rule the world, but apparently vampires are about as adept at world ruling as Pinky and the Brain.  There's a blood shortage, because there's not enough people, or animals, and they can't make a substitute; so, they're idiots.  You want to know how to fix a people shortage?  Teenagers, pizza and beer.  How does this work?  Well, you shouldn't need to ask that, and if you do, just go and ask Google where babies come from, but the short version is that: people like to fuck.  And guess what you dumbass vampires?  People fucking makes MORE PEOPLE. ROFLZOMGLOL, it's no like there aren't 200000 reality TV shows dedicated to this groundbreaking concept.  And, I'm pretty sure that if you took a roomful of teenagers and told them that they're supposed to fuck as much as humanly possible with an endless supply of free pizza, booze, and whatever the hell else they want, and all you demand in return is a blood donation, well.... lets just say college enrollment would hit an all time low.

Now, I'm not only going to say bad things about this movie or point out why it's story doesn't make an ounce of sense, I will say some good things too.  It was well directed, and the special effects were alright.  It wasn't great, we're not talking a Tarantino or Nolan grade level of directing, but, it's better than a SyFy original.

But apparently the director was also a Jedi knight, or a Sith Lord, because somehow Williem Dafoe was tricked into being in this movie, maybe he lost a bet, or maybe it was the Sith: you decide.  

So, in conclusion, if you enjoy movies that make no sense, have more plot issues than DBZ and Power Rangers combined, and have action scenes about as exciting as watching someone else make pancakes, don't have enough vitamin-dumbassvampire in your diet, have about 100 minutes of your life that you'd really prefer to not enjoy, or just want a reason to stop having a reason to live; then this movie is for you.  I can't even say that it's better than a poke in the eye, because at least that gives you someone to beat the living shit out of, and then sue for enough money to at least buy a cup of coffee.