Seeing Muffins

As you may recall in my previous review, I was rather critical of I See Stars for their abandonment of a formula that works incredibly well. In order to show you what I mean, I wanted to show you, our devoted readers, what I consider to be well done electronic post-hardcore. Thus, I give you Everyone Dies In Utah’s debut full length Seeing Clearly.

Hailing from Texas, EDIU is a six-piece with one EP under their belts. I’ll be honest, their EP never really caught my attention. I don’t know if it was the synth-heavy nature, or if it simply wasn’t terribly memorable. However, Seeing Clearly is on another plane; it’s got hooks galore, but doesn’t sacrifice the heavier aspects of their style.

After the little intro track “The Storm Before The Calm”, we hit the ground running with “Bed, Bath and Beyonce”. Brutal guitar work offsets the synth/techno warbles in the background. Guttural screams mix perfectly with melodic vocals that have some good low end to them (a nice contrast in a genre that seems to enjoy guys with higher voices than most girls). “Dude…I Know… It’s Everywhere” is a kick to the chest, and you’ll find yourself screaming along to the words “Count your blessings, not your burdens!” every time. Then, just for good measure, the boys of EDIU throw in a little swing beat and southern metal influence. Track four, “Bar Fightz & Disco Lightz”, shows how to properly intro with synth programming. “So Long And Thanks For All The Fish” gets us back to the heavy as the guitars and drums continue in their top-notch performance. As “Dance War” opens with its programming, this Michigan sextet shows just how well they know how to mesh metal vocals and instruments with electronic accents.

“Do What Diddy Did” fades in with some nice clean vocals that build up as guitars, drums, and screams are slowly added. Fans of the electronica aspect of this musical style will enjoy “Synthesize Me Captain”, as the programming and keyboards underlie the majority of this song. Track nine, “Adrian Makes It Rain”, showcases EDIU’s ability to really build momentum with a song. Starting slow and atmospheric, they gradually gain speed and power until they’ve reached the breakdown threshold and unleash some truly heavy material. “Bark Twice If You’re In Milwaukee” features some guitar work in the intro that could easily be taken to be some pop-mosh before it switches back to their finely tuned style. The closer, “Simply Me”, slows things down and fades us out with an atmospheric track with great clean vocals and haunting keyboards.

Everyone Dies In Utah have managed to craft an album that is both catchy and heavy at the same time, but doesn’t feel like it’s full of fluff. The lyrics have depth. The musicianship, while not the most technical, shows that they know how to use their instruments. And to top it all off, they combine the electronica elements of synth, techno, and programming with the brutality of heavy guitars, hard-hitting drums, and absolutely crushing vocals. Everyone Dies In Utah’s Seeing Clearly is most definitely worth your time.

Muffin Shuffle

Continuing my one post trend of old games on old systems, I'll next be reviewing a board game style of video game similar to Mario Party but with less ass. Also on the dreamcast, this game is called Sonic Shuffle. Sonic Shuffle is as you can imagine, played with all the loveable charactersof the Sonic games that we all know and now despise because of all the shit games that have come out in the past year about them. But this is before all of that. So erase all of that knowledge from your tiny game filled brains before going into this because it will be totally useless to anything this game has to offer you. Which is mainly awesome, confusing and win.

First improvement from Mario Party, is the movement system. This is actually something that you can control now, instead of it being almost completely random. The dice block system was replaced by a card system, and you are dealt a series of cards that you can choose from by looking at the little screen on the controller that's a part of the VMU, the littleinsert that's equivalent to a memory card. However, you can also throw it to chance and choose one of the other players cards as well. You have two Eggman cards thrown into the deck before it's dealt and two S cards that allow you to give your timing a test to see how high or low you can get your number, depending on what you need in the way of spaces moved at the time of your card choosing. You also use the cards for nifty little battles that take place when you land on certain spaces, and you have to win battles to advance in the gameplay and actually serve some chance of winning.

Secondly, you don't have to catch Chaos Emeralds, surprisingly, and Stars serve no purpose to Sonic. For this game, you're gathering some sort of jewel of which the utterly meaningless name escapes me. You still get coins to buy fun things that make the game go faster, slower, or more interestingly, depending on what type you get.

Thirdly, and I do believe lastly, are the maps. There's almost constantly something going on in the map that you don't know how it effects you until you're suddenly sent back to the start or get lost on the way to the jewel. This happens more often than you think and you really have to think when you're trying to get to the jewel because you get penalized if someone else gets there first and you happen to be the furthest away from it at the time.

Personally, I love this game more than I ever could with Mario Party. The Mario Party games all have some kind of gimmick to them that as soon as you figure it out they become so little of a challenge that you could do them while simultaneously eating some form of junk food that you more than obviously just have sitting next to you. The games in Sonic Shuffle however, all seem to be out to get you, and the AI is ridiculous, even on easy. The challenge is always there and it doesn't let up, which is a nice change of pace from the horrifyingly easy learning curve that accompanies most modern games.

>Ryft

The End Of The Muffin Party

I See Stars have been around for a few years now, and they play that particular brand of electronic post-hardcore that has grown in popularity. I enjoyed their debut 3-D a great deal, and wondered what had happened to them, as little news was released between that album and their newest effort The End Of The World Party. After hearing this album in its entirety, I find myself wishing that this six-piece from Michigan had waited a little longer before completing their sophomore release.

The title track leads off and it sounds like good old I See Stars – crushing vocals, tight guitar work, and an all around heavy feel with good melodic influence. The second song, “Over It”, comes on and clean vocals dominate the song. The chorus’s lyrics are poorly written at best and I found myself groaning whenever it came on. “Still Not Quite Enough” is up next, and I found myself wondering if I was still listening to I See Stars at all. Poppy drum beats, pathetic guitars, an excessive amount of synth, and vocals reminiscent of the days of the boy band make you wonder if these Michigan boys intend to play anything remotely heavy any more. At this point, you and I (the listeners) must realize that ISS has taken a turn for the softer side of post-hardcore. But that’s ok, we can deal with that, right? The music is still good, right? Well, we’re in for a disappointment there, too. With guitars riffs about as generic as they come and overly auto-tuned vocals, “Wonderland” is nothing more than an over-produced pop-rock song for the majority of its play time. I don’t have a problem with lots of tweaking and programming in music, but when the actual musical quality suffers from it, you need to realize that you’re doing more harm than good. “Home For The Weekend” is yet another overly pop influenced song, with song content so pointless that it made me want to shut the album off and stop my review right here. But that would be a disservice to you fine individuals, as you need to know just how far this band has fallen.

Track six brings us “It Will Be Up (High School Never Ends)”. I know. I don’t understand it either, but are you really surprised at this point? “Upside Down” opens with a forgettable synth intro and… clapping? Seriously, guys? Clapping? Then, as if that wasn’t enough, it leads into a verse that sounds frighteningly like a hip hop or R&B song. Once again forsaking talented guitarists for excessive synth, “The Common Hours II” continues this pattern of letting you down. “Where I Let You Down (Numb)” is the ninth song on this incredible disappointment. I could make a joke about the appropriate nature of this title, but it almost seems futile to even do that. With a sigh of relief, we reach the last two tracks: “Glow” and “Pop Rock And Roll”. Nothing new on these songs; they bring more of the same to the table.

I loved I See Stars’ debut album. It had the right combination of pop melody and metal brutality. The End Of The World Party completely abandoned that formula in favor of something that may be more “radio friendly”, but is a step back in both musicianship, song writing, and maturity. I was extremely excited for this album, which may be why my disappointment is so much greater. Let’s hope that this is only a phase for I See Stars, and that they’ll realize that they need to go back to the formula that worked so well before.

Destroy Muffins Until God Shows

Many of you may be familiar with Craig Owens’ work with Chiodos, and many of you probably enjoyed it as much as I did. So, when he was booted from that band, I was a little disappointed, as I greatly enjoyed the work he did there. You can imagine how excited I was when I found out that he had a new side project featuring members of Matchbook Romance, Story of the Year, Underminded, and From First To Last.

That’s right boys and girls; Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows is a veritable screamo/post-hardcore powerhouse. Often abbreviated “D.R.U.G.S.”, the band wanted a name that would spark some controversy and conversation, and they certainly succeeded. However, we’re not here to discuss names; we’re here for the music. And the music is most definitely worth hearing.

First things first: this album has a parental advisory on it for a reason. The topics and language are not exactly family friendly. Now that the mandatory warning is out of the way, let’s start examining this gem. D.R.U.G.S. kick starts with a little work on the snare rim by Aaron Stern (of Matchbox Romance) before the double guitar onslaught of Nick Martin (Underminded) and Matt Good (From First To Last) hit you in the chest with some nice discordant rips on “If You Think This Song Is About You, It Probably Is”. Then Craig’s familiar vocal style makes its appearance. This is where you will determine whether you like this album or not; Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows are heavier than Chiodos ever was – they like to throw metal influences all over the place. This band is not your average screamo band. “The Only Thing You Ever Talk About” is up next with some gang vocals before a wonderful little mini-breakdown leads into the verse. A soft synth piece (that sounds like a mix between violins being played pizzicato and a xylophone) shifts nicely up to the guitars playing the same riff, only much heavier. Haunting verses and an insanely catchy chorus will have you singing along to “Graveyard Dancing”. One of my favorites (if only because of the title), “Mr. Owl Ate My Metal Worm” doesn’t waste time as Craig, the guitars, and drums come in simultaneously. Once again, I’m struck by the hooks of this song – you’ll find yourself singing along very quickly, possibly before you’re done the first listen. The controversial “Sex Life” is up next (fans may remember the video Craig released around the middle of January that caused quite a stir). Track six, “Laminated E.T. Animal”, which may be the strangest track name I’ve ever heard, brings us to the halfway point of the album. With a mix of clean and distorted guitars combining with what is either a synthesizer or a xylophone for the verses and a perfect blend of clean vocals layered with screams on the chorus, this song shows just how beautiful contrast can sound when done right.

The second half of the album starts out with a much more metal song than anything on this album so far: “Stop Reading, Start Doing Pushups”. Screams and wicked guitars set the pace for this track and never let up. “I’m The Rehab, You’re The Drugs” has a fun little beat, and you realize that you are now on the eighth straight song that you feel compelled to sing along to. Switching gears to something a little poppier, D.R.U.G.S. brings us the 80’s-esque “I’m Here To Take The Sky”. After this brief departure from their standard style, they jump right back on track with “The Hangman”. This brings us to the final song on the standard edition: the heavy-hitting “My Swagger Has A First Name”, which has hooks galore and lasts for about 3 minutes 45 seconds. However, it’s not done after the music stops. If you wait until about 5:40 into the song, you’ll be treated to… well, I don’t know what to call it, but it’s funny.

If you were lucky enough to snag the deluxe edition of this album, you got one more track: “A Little Kiss And Tell”. I wish this song had made the cut for the standard album, because it’s as good, if not better than the rest of the album, and it would certainly fit right in with the rest of D.R.U.G.S.’s debut outing.

Overall, I was both excited and worried when this project was announced. I’ve seen vocalists booted from a band before, and the music (if it can be called that) they created post-expulsion was awful, while the lyrics were so obviously bitter toward the band that it made me sick just listening to it. While this album does have its bitter moments, Craig does a fantastic job of crafting catchy music with incredible lyrics. Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows have given us a fantastic album, and I can’t wait to hear more from this supergroup.

Muffins 2049

After a long reprieve of getting caught up on my gaming and actually getting a JOB, I've found some time to churn out another game review, and of course it's of a game that probably none of you have ever heard of. It's for that one old system that made so many games seem so awesome at the time. The Sega Dreamcast is this fantastic system that so few people have now and it makes me sad because there are so many good games for these older systems. Anyway, just so I can stop wasting your time with filler and feelings and all those other things you don't care one bit about, let me get to wasting your time with opinions and video games, because that's much more productive.

This review is about the game Rush 2049 for the Dreamcast. This racing game does something that I would expect out of a hotwheels game and it does it remarkably well. First of all, the racing is pretty standard. The cars are futuristic looking for the most part and drive really fast, of course. The courses range from short to long but you won't be playing them much unless things like Forza or Nascar games which nobody plays anymore unless you're some sort of car fag that actually works on cars. No disrespect for those who do, it's just not your standard gamer's cup of tea.

More towards the "standard" gamer's expectation for a game that I would be writing a review of, this wonderous game has a nifty hook to it. The cars have wings. No not like F-zero. They have extendable wings for you to be able to stabalize the amout of airtime that you get and for you to do hellishly impossible stunts that nobody would ever survive unless the driver's seat was a bubble made out of 10 foot thick memory foam. Flips, barrel rolls, spins, all of them can happen depending on the angle you hit the incline at, and all of them you will inevitably get points for... unless you explode on impact, which happens more often than you'd like.
Aside from the racing aspect of this, you also get the Stunt mode, which is like playing Tony Hawk's pro skater, but with cars. This wiould usually make you think that I'm making it out to be more awesome than it really is, but I'm not. It really is that awesome. There are also coins located at strategic points around the amazingly interesting maps that you unlock with the total amount of points that you earn in stunt mode that have some arbitrary purpose that I was never able to figure out. Maybe new vehicles or some kind of upgrades. That sounds like something Sega would do.

In conclusion, this game alone would be worth buying a sega dreamcast for, specifically for the awesomeness that is Stunt mode. After you roll a car eighteen times and still land the trick with nothing cosmetically wrong with your car for the first time, you'll see what I mean.
>Ryft

Until We Have Muffins

Red (the band, not the primary color) are a four piece band out of Nashville, Tennessee who play an energetic style of alt-metal with string sections and screams all mixed together for one fantastic audio experience.

I've never been disappointed by this band, but Until We Have Faces, their third studio album, is in my opinion their best work to date. I loved End Of Silence, and Innocence And Instinct was definitely a solid sophomore release, but this album is Red at their finest. Everything is fine tuned, resulting in an album that sounds like the band members poured every ounce of themselves into it.

The album opens up with "Feed The Machine", which follows a formula that those familiar with the band will recognize from the hit single off their debut ("Breathe Into Me"), but done even better. Michael Barnes is at the top of his game vocally, with his cleans sounding even more melodious and his screams having enough force behind them to drive home any point he wants. Anthony Armstrong's guitar work is just as high quality as the previous albums, the bass is manned expertly by Randy Armstrong (who also helps out on backing vocals with the other Armstrong), and the drums are once again helmed by Joe Rickard. "Faceless" is up next with a driving guitar and drum attack, with some nice string accompaniment interspersed throughout. Track three, "Lie To Me (Denial)", has a slow, electronic build as the full force of the intro kicks in before pulling back for the verse. Mr. Barnes vocals flow perfectly with the energy of the song and will have you singing along to the anthemic chorus before long. "Let It Burn" is a ballad - plain and simple. Slow beat, electronic and string elements, harmonized vocals, and a layered chorus; this song has it all. Though the next song keeps the pace in line with this slightly more melancholy beat, "Buried Beneath" is definitely not a ballad. Driving guitars and drum work focusing on the low end and the toms give it a nice heavy feel. "Not Alone" brings us to the halfway mark of the album and is an even more moving ballad than "Let It Burn" was.

"Watch You Crawl" kickstarts the second half of this masterpiece with a wicked little guitar riff. You can tell that track eight, "The Outside", is gonna be heavy as soon as it starts. The vocals start out a little muted and the screams fit nicely in with the tone of the song. "Who We Are" follows it up with a straightforward modern rock-styled feel that changes things up a little. Red slows things down again with "Best Is Yet To Come". I can't help but think of The Diary Of Jane era Breaking Benjamin on this song, which is far from a complaint. The clean guitars, the vocals, the drums, and the transitions just bring that band to mind. The final track on the standard edition is "Hymn For The Missing". It opens with a slow piano piece with Barnes singing along. Strings are added and some atmospheric female vocals add even more depth to this track. It is the perfect ending to the album.

If you were lucky enough to have pre-ordered the album on iTunes, you were also gifted with a twelfth track: "Until We Have Faces". Does anyone else find it strange that the title track is a bonus? Anyway, it slowly builds with a choir and some haunting piano before it decides to kick you in the teeth with a heavy guitar/drum onslaught that layers some strings into the mix. Then Barnes lets loose some truly metal growls with a breakdown that would get any metalhead off his feet and into a pit. Then all of a sudden it stops. It caught me so off guard. I felt like it ended too soon, like it was building and leading into something, but it just cut out. This was my only complaint throughout the whole album, but it left me hanging.

These Tennessee boys have a gift for some good old alt-metal, and they perform it perfectly. Brilliant songwriting, skillful musicianship, and a passion that shows through on every song make Until We Have Faces well worth a purchase.

Muffin Rivers Flow

Who likes thrash metal? Go on, raise your hand. It’s ok. I like it, too. It’s not just for old guys who can remember when Metallica had just released their first album. I promise.

The Wisconsin four-piece Lazarus A.D. gives us a nice thrash record for the new year. The follow-up to 2009's The Onslaught, “Black Rivers Flow” is long overdue, in my opinion. I loved their debut, and was hungry for more right off the bat. Now, they’ve finally released their sophomore Metal Blade Records album, and it was absolutely worth the wait.

“American Dreams” starts us off with a nice fade in to a speedy little guitar riff before the full force kicks you in the chest as the rest of the band joins in. Jeff Paulick’s vocals have greatly improved from the half growled, half spoken style he sported on The Onslaught. Another welcome improvement is the meshing of growls and clean vocals to give them a little edge of melody. Track two, “The Ultimate Sacrifice”, is one of the album’s standouts. A chugging intro that sports a plethora of palm muted guitars and pounding drums with a wicked little solo leads into the verse. The chorus makes full use of the clean vocals of lead guitarist Dan Gaipen’s gritty style. Picking up the pace, “The Strong Prevail” adds elements of speed metal to the ever present thrashiness.

The title track, “Black Rivers Flow”, slows things down with a clean guitar intro that switches gears to distorted about halfway through it. As the verse starts to come in, the guitars gain steam with a faster, heavier riff that’s backed up with the brutality of Ryan Shutler’s drumming. “Black Rivers Flow” is another standout song on this album, combining everything Lazarus A.D. seems to do best. “Casting Forward”, “Light A City (Up In Smoke)”, and “Through Your Eyes” keep the thrash coming before we reach the epic “Beneath The Waves Of Hatred”. A devilishly technical lead intro builds momentum for the crushing weight of the verse and chorus to hammer home. This is the best song on the album. This is Lazarus A.D. at its finest. Superb guitar work, heavy vocals combining grit and melody, and driving drums will have you out of your seat within the first minute.

They close this album up with “Eternal Vengeance”, which is the mandatory and absolutely necessary thrash ballad. Clean guitars and vocals give us a lead into things before the distortion kicks back in as Paulick screams “waiting for the day I die!” As you may have guessed, the ballad is over and the heavy is back. They interlude with one last face melting solo before finishing things up with a final rendition chorus that slowly fades out.

Giving thrash metal new life, Lazarus A.D. are building up a great name for themselves. I can’t wait to hear what they bring us next.

Going Down With The Muffin

Anyone familiar with Across Five Aprils will immediately recognize the moniker of A Tragedy In Progress, a throwback to their first album. That’s right, boys and girls, the original members of AFA are back in action. Now, many of you are probably wondering why they didn’t just pick back up Across Five Aprils, as they have since broken up. Frontman Steve Taylor stated that he believed that AFA had continued to build itself into something new after he left, and felt that it deserved to have that. So, under the tribute to their old band, the first lineup of Across Five Aprils adopted the name A Tragedy In Progress and have released their first EP titled “Going Down With The Ship” through Indianola Records.

With only four songs, this release clocks in at about 16 minutes or so, which is a shame, especially after listening to it. “The Loudest Silence” kicks things off with Taylor’s wicked screams, which he pairs with some impressive clean vocals. The guitar work and drumming, while very reminiscent of Across Five Aprils, show a little more polish, though the energy is as high as ever. “Battle Scars” follows up with a little slower, melodic effort, focusing on clean vocals more than the screams. Track three, dubbed “Radio Flyer” (a re-recorded version of Across Five Aprils’ “Around The World On A Radio Flyer”), opens with some catchy melodic guitar work that leads into some wicked metalcore drumming and again pairs the clean and screamed vocals together nicely. ATIP close things out with “Same Faces, Different Places”. With an atmospheric vocal intro, they bring in a poppy but heavy intro that leads into a catchy verse which (surprise-surprise) switches back and forth between the cleans and screams, with perfect guitar work and drums providing a great background for them.

Two other aspects worth mentioning are the production and songwriting. Production is spectacular on this album, and nothing is lost in the mix. Guitars, drums, bass, and vocals all find a perfect layering on this EP. The songwriting is equally as amazing. Across Five Aprils, in my opinion, had an incredible gift for songwriting, and ATIP continues to show it.

Overall, “Going Down With The Ship” is a magnificent sneak peek into the potential A Tragedy In Progress has, but it really is only a sneak peek. It is tragically (see what I did there?) short, and leaves me wanting more every time I listen to it. However, this only makes me more excited for when they finally put out a full length. Definitely pick this one up.

2010 Muffins: literally more muffins than your body has room for.

Ok, first off, the "more X than your body has room for" statement that is oh so absurdly popular with some people is gramatically wrong, it's a sentence that ends in a preposition, which is all kinds of wrong, but, ok, I don't really care, so, moving along....

@)!)

oh, wait....

2010!!!

I guess you can't put numbers in CAPS... but, again, oh well, maybe that's a problem that will be fixed in 2011, we can only hope.

But what I was trying to say was that 2010 is finsihed, done, kaput, never again to be encountered on humanity's presumably (mostly) linear path through the 4th and 5th dimensions, and it was a pretty decent year all things considered.

Now, I know what you're thinking about: the economy, the president, the Koreas, all those other "World Events" and other such 'important' nonsense, well, what I was talking about was the fun stuff: video games, movies, music, and other such shiny nonsense.

But wait, there's MORE!!

Not only shall I tell you what the best stuff from 2010 was, so that you can have your nostalgia trip and welcome 2011 in with the warmed over leftovers from 2010, but I shall also tell you the worst of 2010, beacuse, lets face, it was 365 days for people to create shit, and oh the shit they created.

So, first up, best and worst......

VIDEOGAMES!!!!

Best:
Ok, this is not an easy choice, but, I must say StarCraft II, it's simple an unparalleled gaming experience.  Now, I could go on saying all the good things there are to say about this game, but, really, it's just a good game; the single player campaign is the best I've played in an RTS, only rivaled by World in Conflict, and the mutliplayer is... competitive, balanced, and very well executed- no complaints.  If you don't like this game you may not be American, and could be exported to Canada, yes, exported; you will become a national product, or a biological weapon, depending on your level of hygiene, and, knowing the type of people who don't like StarCraft, or America, your hygiene might be bad enough to halve the birthrate in the Canada and cause sterility issues for those just in your general vicinity.

Seriously, even if you're not American, you should want to be part of
this clusterfuck of awesome, and if you are American, you should be the
one starting this.

Runner Up:
Now, you may not have even heard of this game, but it has many things going for it, namely: it's free, and it's awesome, and it's very, very fun.  It is, technically, an "Online Arena Battle Game", but, basically, it's DotA, and if you don't know what DotA is, and I have to explain it to you, then you also obviously don't know what Google is either.  But it's a FREE, streamlined, game client that offers very stategic, cometitve gameplay at a variety of skill levels, but also, it's a social game- you NEED a team, and you need to work with them to win, and it's great if that team is your friends.  The game is almost like a social network in that respect, as you will meet people to game with, but not in that creepy "send me pics" kind of meeting, more of a "Lets ROFLSTOMP some n00bs" meet, and it's pretty nice, the userbase is, actually, generally decent, not like a certain Xbox Live service.  But give the game a shot, it's fun, it's competitive, it has an overall decent user-base, and, it's Fuckin Free.

Oh, and you can play as a pyromaniac girl that summons her demonic
giant ass teddy bear that's on fucking fire to kill everyone she doesn't
like; the game is just that kind of badass.

Worst:
Hm, now this is tough, I haven't played that many shitty games, because, well, I don't waste money on them, BUT, there was Darkstar One on the xbox 360. Now, I know what you may be thinking: "But Darkstar One wasn't all that bad, good even."  And, in some contexts, I would agree; however, it's an old PC game, from about 2006 +/- 1, and they RERELEASED it, as NEW, on the 360 and charged FULL price for this 4 year old game that wasn't all that great to start with, that is in my opinion, enough to win the Mr. McShitPants Award for Video Games.

Four years ago, this was a good game, now, it's just Microsoft giving gamers the finger.

Music:

Best:
This one is a newbie to the table of music, Operatika.  They've released only one album to my knowledge, but damn, holy fuck damn, their guitarist might just be the result of chuck norris and zeus having a baby and that baby growing it'self a guitar while it was still in the womb by it's sheer willpower and desire to kick every other guitarist alive in the teeth.  Overall, their style is much like older Nightwish, when they still had Tarja, but with guitars from Dragonforce, but better.  The sheer out-of-bumfuck-nowhere mindfucking awesome that this band has from a talent perspective wins them my best of the year award, stealing the victory from Mr. Tremonti himself- an accomplishment worth writing to Olympus and good ol' Dad Chuck about.  Now, I know what you're thinking; Parkway Drive's new album had enough raw brutal to maim you and every one of your descendants for the next millenia or so, and The Devil Wears Prada's EP kicked enough ass to put Hollywood's action movie division out of business, but, both of those were expected; if one of those had come from out of bumfuck nowhere, they'd have gotten the award, but for them, that's par for the course, or, maybe a birdie, but still, they cannot compete with the baby of Zeus and Mr. Norris.

No witty comment here, keep reading.

Runner Up:
Also not Mr. Tremont, Eyes Set to Kill's third album: Broken Frames.  From a technical standpoint their musicianship is simply are not as technical as Alterbridge, or many of the other bands that I could have chosen, but the way they integrate excellent metalcore style screams and Alexia's beautiful vocals is a feat still unmatched in my listening.  Other bands have come close, others can sing a tiny bit better, others can probably scream a better, others have much more technical and faster guitarists, and others are more brutal, but no others work together as well and have such a coherent sound.

Again with you looking for the witty comments, just look at the damn picture
and keep reading, seriously, the girls in the band are good looking, and I like
to at least think my writing is amusing, so, dammit, just read the next paragraph.
Read it or orphans will cry, and they'll know it was you, and they'll keep their tears
so that one day they can drown you in them.  Now you wish you had just kept reading
and looked at the picture, don't you?  Well, too late, maybe try again in 2012.

Worst:
Hmmm........ I don't listen to bad music all that much, but, I suppose if Nickleback released anything, or if there was a country album that tried to feature great country 'singing' then maybe that, but, I don't want to punish myself enough to go find something.  So, I'll just say Nickleback wins again, with a close runner up for Nirvana, simply because people still listen to them.

Movies:

Best:
Kickass, Scott Pilgrim, Inception, How to Train Your Dragon, Paranormal Activity 2, the Crazies, Iron Man 2, Percy Jackson, Book of Eli, Shutter Island.... now that's quite a list of better than decent movies...

So, the WINNER is.... I have to give it to Paranormal Activity 2.  Now, you're surely asking how in the frozen canadian hell that beat Inception.  Hear me out: it's a sequel that was better than the first, and not only better, scarier.  It is legitimately the only truly scary movie I have ever seen, with the exception of the first.  And that to me is a truly UNIQUE accomplishment worth an award more than an intricate plot and phenomenal directing and effects.

This  movie is more terrifying than the idea that people actually
enjoy Kanye West's music.  See, a witty comment, just for you.

Runner Up:
Scott Pilgrim.  Also not Inception.  Rating: Asskicking +10  Verdict: watch it now.  Really, it is maybe the best adaptation of a graphic novel to film I have yet encountered.  It's highly entertaining, has a useful message, well choreographed fights, and an 8 bit style with more class than Sean Connery on a yacht playing poker with Morgan Freeman.

I apologize in advance for Michael Cera, but everyone else is good enough to make up for him being a pussy.

Worst:
Human Centipede (thankfully I didn't watch it, only the trailer, but, it was enough), The Room (not 2010, i know, but this movie is bad enough to TRANSCEND TIME, don't believe me.... well then, go watch A clip on youtube, just one, that's all it takes, now then... go, no, really, GO WATCH IT, back?  Oh hi. You see my point.)

Note the lack of small, indie, artsy movies.  They're not here for several reasons.  A.) I don't usually watch them and thus cannot render judgement B.) I don't watch them beacuse they usually suck more ass than an Oprah branded ass sucking vacuum that's been shoved up Oprah's own ass.  Now, they're small and indie for a reasons, and it's not, for once, literally, once, that the populace is too dumb to figure them out, or appreciate them or some such bullshit, it is, factually, because most of them suck.  If you disagree, ok, but, know that you're throwing your lot in with them, the ones that sit in coffee shops talking about things other people hate just because they can't stand the thought of being entertained, or of admitting that they'd enjoy it, rather, they prefer obscurity, and I'm ok with that, so they can fuck right off and I'll enjoy me some KickAss while they suffer through their misery of shitty scripts, worse actors, and drug addict directors.

Books:

um, I didn't read shit this year, well, not books from this year, well, other than text books, but, yeah... anyway.... honorary award to Mr. Oscar Wilde, why?  because I can, and because in the realm of classical literature The Picture of Dorain Gray kicks Jane Austin's ass, and anything that kicks Jane Austin's ass is an automatic winner in my book.

Yep, this could tear off Jane Austin's face and feed it to her ancestors.

Gadgets:

Um... I refuse to say the iPad, so, I'll say the Kinect, not for it's gaming capabilities, but for what it represents as the next step forward in user interaction with digital media in any of it's forms; basically, it's the future, but not the future.  The Future is still flying cars, but until those get here, this is pretty damn close.

Oh, wait, this is what the Kinect is used for... damn, this is "The Future"....
Dammit Microsoft.
We are so fucked.

So, that was 2010, 365 days that humanity can never get back, and 365 days that humanitiy spent not sending people to the moon, mars, developing flying cars or doing anything else of epic asskicking proportions, but bloody hell, at least we got some good tunes out of the deal.  So here's to 2011, and some more asskicking, and maybe a trip to pluto, but not until we find some aliens there, because this is America, and until we find some ass to kick, we just won't give a damn.  So, here's to asskicking and not giving a damn: the real American Dream, and it's realization in 2011.

Oh, and I still want flying cars dammit.  Maybe someone should call Stephen Hawking and get him on that one; they are the future after all, and if anyone's going to bring us the future, it's that mad genius son-of-a-bitch.

Darkest Before Muffins

Ladies and gents, I present to you The Devil Wears Prada's younger brother: Darkest Before Dawn. Not quite as polished, but just as energetically heavy, this Florida sextet has finally released their debut full-length, and they certainly delivered.

Darkest Before Dawn, as I implied, plays a very similar brand of metalcore mixed with electronica to that put forth by the giant that is The Devil Wears Prada. That's what you're going to get. If you don't like that style because you don't like metal, then that's fine. It's not for everyone. It's ok. I don't hate you. If you don't like that style because it's "scene metal" (which is the single dumbest musical label on the planet), then you need to step off your high horse and realize that the music is still incredibly good.

Another common point that this Florida based six piece has with TDWP is the major Christian influence. DBD considers themselves to be as much of a ministry as a band, and I feel like this passion adds to the energy and brutality of this album.

So, on to the album itself. Vagary starts off with a slow, ambient, haunting intro track. Heavy on the reverb and synth, "Sometimes I Like To Get Classic" slowly builds to a climax that leads seamlessly into the second track "Dan Deere From DeLand" (yes, the song titles don't make sense - yet another similarity to TDWP). This song shows you exactly what you should expect if you've payed any attention to my review. You get the heavy, riffing guitars, the pummeling drums, the touch of synth, and the mix of high screams, low growls, and perfectly tuned clean vocals. The album continues in this vein with more ridiculously titled songs sporting impressive musicianship and songwriting. Track number five, "B Is Not For Brandon", might be my favorite track, but I couldn't honestly tell you why. It's a fun song that will definitely get you up off your feet.

DBD slow things down with the softer, flowing "One Plus One Equals Three". Going back to the same style used in the intro track, they show that they're not just an unstoppable breakdown machine. They have a sensitive side. After that short reprieve, they come back out swinging and don't let up. With the help of Joshy Singer, vocalist for Author & Creator, they manage to bring a new level of brutal to the table on "Waldo". With the absurdly titled "Tatch A Ciger Ty The Boe" and "Sideward And Foreways", these Florida boys close out a very solid debut album.

Darkest Before Dawn, as I mentioned above, consider this band as much a ministry as a music making endeavor. All of the songs focus on their Christian faith, and it's this honesty and pure love that truly adds to this album.

In addition to all of this, the production on Vagary is spectacular - absolutely top notch work. So, if you like The Devil Wears Prada, you'll love this album. A band with mountains of potential and a message that they want to scream from any stage that will have them, Darkest Before Dawn are on the way up. Don't miss out on this one.

Illuminated Muffins

No Bragging Rights are no strangers to the melodic hardcore/metalcore scene. With several releases under their belts, NBR have developed quite a following, and they deserve every single fan. Their music manages to be heavy and catchy without sacrificing their sound at all.

Illuminator is the southern California quintet's third full length record, and they definitely know what they're doing with their music. With the perfect blend of melody, hardcore, and metal, NBR has a great sound.

"Beautiful And Spineless" shows you exactly what to expect on this album: intricate, driving guitars, crushing drums, and Perez's flawless switches from screams to clean vocals. Track number two, "6th & Main" takes things more from the metal side of their sound, while "Weeding Out The Weak" opts to focus a little more on the hardcore side of things, though both feature the refreshing singing voice of Perez. NBR decides to change course and do a 180 degree flip soundwise, as the fourth track, "Cease Fire", gives us a blues-infused instrumental interlude. However, they get right back on the hardcore train and go to town with the title track.

"Empire: Decay" switches back to the metalcore side of things for the start, but changes gears back to the melodic hardcore before too long, and then flips back over to their breed of metalcore. With a slow, muffled build, "The Prospect" is there to kick your teeth in, hardcore style, before you realize what's happened. "Blind Faith" lets the guitar play around with a simple little riff that leads nicely into a breakdown before the expert guitar work we've come to expect from NBR takes over for the verse. Track nine gives us an intro that almost sounds like something Oh, Sleeper would do that leads into it's metalcore-tastic goodness. "And They Threatened Us With Fire" punches you in the chest with gang vocal growls that lead nicely into the verse and chorus. The album closer, "Death Of An Era", combines the complex guitar work of the metalcore sound with the lightning speed of hardcore to give this album a perfect finish.

Illuminator was only released yesterday, and already I've listened to it at least four or five times straight through. It combines the heaviness of metalcore, the speed of hardcore, and the catchiness of pop-punk for an absolutely brilliant release. Do yourself a favor and pick this album up. You won't regret it.

The Hymn Of A Broken Muffin

Adam Dutkiewicz and Jesse Leach have worked together before, as many of you may know, in the metal juggernaut Killswitch Engage. However, Leach left the band for personal reasons, though he later reconciled with them and continued his own musical career through Seemless and The Empire Shall Fall. Adam D., in addition to continuing as guitarist for KsE, has produced quite a number of spectacular metal albums over the years. To sum up, these two have more talent in their little fingers than the majority of the music industry combined.

Conceived by Adam while he was hospitalized due to a back injury he sustained on tour, the music for Times of Grace's debut album was written entirely in his head before he had a chance to get home and demo them himself. Then he did the single greatest thing he could have possibly done and called up Jesse to write the lyrics and take vocal responsibilities. Several years later, we finally get to hear this musical masterpiece that already holds the title for best album of the year, and it will take a miracle to remove it from that post.

The Hymn Of A Broken Man starts in with "Strength In Numbers" - a drum roll fading in to a full blown metal-tastic blend of metalcore and melody. They follow it up with the crushing, slow-but-steady "Fight For Life". Already we can hear that this dynamic duo still have all the chemistry they did before, if not even more. Jesse's screams and singing are complimented perfectly by Adam's backing vocals and superb guitar work. Next up is "Willing", which lulls us into a false sense of security with an echoing guitar opener before it crashes through with a battery of guitar and drums that operate at near hardcore speeds. "Where The Spirit Leads Me" brings to mind Jesse's work with KsE and Seemless, with his screams and clean vocals bringing to mind both of those bands, while Adam continues to hammer away on the guitar.

They switch gears with the fifth track, "Until The End Of Days". A haunting, ethereal melody follows the whole song, and Jesse's singing voice shines through beautifully. This brings us to my favorite track on the album: "Live In Love". Adam's guitar work provides a perfect structure for Jesse's screaming/singing combination. This song really shows how perfectly they work together. "In The Arms Of Mercy" is a beautiful instrumental that gives us a short rest to relax before things get going again with the title track, "Hymn Of A Broken Man". After a deceptively calm intro, Adam suddenly finds the gas pedal and floors it, letting Leach match him. Showcasing their diverse musical influence and talent, "The Forgotten One" gives us a taste of western blues. Jesse has an excellent voice for this, with just the right combination of grit and melody, and Adam harmonizes with him perfectly.

"Hope Remains" is track number ten - a slow starter that builds steadily as a murderous double kick fades in, setting the pace for the rest of the song. Jesse's screams and Adam's speed on the guitar make for a wicked ride. "The End Of Eternity" has the feel of a behemoth making its way across the land. Pummeling drums and guitars give it a sludgy feel, while it still maintains its melody at the same time. Number twelve, "Worlds Apart", is a true melodic metalcore anthem, plain and simple. After 48 minutes of play time, Times Of Grace brings us to the final song on the album: "Fall From Grace". Haunting, heavy, moving, earth-shattering, this song gives us the perfect close to the perfect album.

I tried to find a flaw in this album. I really did. There isn't one. With influences ranging from metalcore to blues to country western, Jesse Leach and Adam Dutkiewicz have crafted a musical masterpiece. Amazing songwriting paired with precise musicianship show that The Hymn Of A Broken Man is a work of love, passion, and skill. If you only buy one album this year, get this one. You'll never stop listening to it.

No Muffin Revealed

What would happen if power metal and metalcore had a baby? Affiance, that's what. With soaring vocals and pummeling guitars, these boys are doing something original, and I like it. A five piece from Ohio, Affiance recently signed to Bullet Tooth Records for the release of their first full-length album No Secret Revealed.

The Ohio quintet won me over immediately by doing something I was fairly certain had been forgotten. They used a sound clip (from the movie Network) for the first track "Mad As Hell". I loved hearing bands throw audio bites from movies or TV shows into their songs. The musical part of the album kicks in right after that with "Call To The Warrior", and Dennis Tvrdik's (don't ask me how to pronounce his last name, 'cause I have no idea) vocals will probably catch you as off guard as they caught me. He has an almost power metal quality as his range soars to highs generally reserved for those wearing tight leather pants and crazy face makeup. The rest of the music fits into a finely tuned metalcore style. On this song, as on several others throughout the album, Tvrdik's melody is matched by Dominic Dickinson's growling vocals.

"Nostra Culpa" follows suit with excellent guitar and drum work setting the stage for Tvrdik and his incredible range, with sprinklings of Dickinson's brutal touch. Up next is "For Power" which uses fast, heavy verses to lead into a slower, more technical chorus and a bridge that builds to a thundering crescendo. Track five, "A Monster Fed" opens with some complex picking and tapping before Tvrdik's vocals come in and carry us away. "The Hive" really shows what Affiance can do with it's brand of metal. The guitars are incredibly executed, the vocals have a beautiful layering to them, and the drum work is very tight and polished.

The next song, "A Reading From The Book Of" opens with a breakdown. 'Nuff said. "Der Fuhrer" is the first song on the album that combines power metal-esque guitars with the vocal style that gives Affiance its unique sound. With a sound that would make the greats of metalcore proud, "Dissent!" opens with a fast, technical riff reminiscent of War Of Ages. The final song on this album, "Calculate And Control", takes a little more of a melodic route musically on the intro, with slower, softer guitars and atmospheric drums that build to the heaviness we've come to expect from Affiance. In keeping with the way they opened the album, they close with another sound bite.




I did have one complaint on this album, though. The vocals are turned way up in the mix. It's not so much that you can't hear the instruments, but it is an obvious production flaw that will need to be remedied on their next album. Beyond that, No Secret Revealed is a breath of creativity into the metal scene. Be sure to check this one out.

He Who Has Muffins

I know it's been a while, but you can stop worrying. I'm not dead. Yet.

Now that the Apocalypse Death Blizzard is upon us, I figured you fine individuals could use some metal to listen to, as you probably won't be leaving your houses for quite some time.

Day Of Vengeance probably slipped under most of your radars, as it almost avoided mine as well. This five-piece Christian metalcore act out of Florida deserves far more publicity than it gets. Such is the price of being signed to a smaller label like Red Cord Records. Don't let their lack of fame fool you, though. Day Of Vengeance is here to stay.

He Who Has Ears kicks off heavy with the oddly titled "Horseback Riding In Arabia", a guitar driven crusher with some solid screams courtesy of Ben Greene. What really caught me off guard were the clean vocals and, specifically, how well they work with the screams and music. They don't feel out of place even a little bit. Continuing the melodic metalcore trend, "Call Me Disaster" follows similar footsteps to the opener. The third track, "He Who Has Ears" gives us a little southern swing on the intro before flowing smoothly into the metalcore sound DOV does so well. However, the chorus has an almost pop-rock feel to it, which contrasts nicely with the brutality of the verses.

Greene's screams welcome us to the next song "Let Him Hear" and really push this song along, which doesn't happen often, and is done this well even more infrequently. "Taklimakan" gives us the heaviest introduction on the album with a trudging, pummeling, absolutely chest-crushingly combination of guitars and drums before switching to a poppy/post-hardcore riff that leads into a metal-infused verse. "I'm Used To Melee Combat" keeps the contrast of melody and brutality alive as Greene's growls and Josiah Hughes' singing voice compliment each other nicely. With a slow build, "Go Back To Thailand" lets the guitars and drums really have some fun before Greene comes into the picture. "Jeremiah's Beard" and "Show Us Your Mercy" keep the heavy coming before the album comes to a close with "How Sweet The Sound". They start this closer off with the same crushing metal as they've used throughout the rest of the album. About a minute or so in, though, they switch over to a much softer sound than anything we've heard so far. This was Hughes' chance to really shine, and shine he does. After that little interlude, Greene comes back and the metal follows with him. The soft, melodious chorus makes another appearance and slowly builds back up for a heavy rendition of "Amazing Grace" forming the final minutes of this song.

Overall, Day Of Vengeance may not have brought anything new to the table, but they refined it to a point of excellence. That's what makes He Who Has Ears more than worth your time.

2010's Muffinest Albums

Happy New Year, boys and girls. Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for: it's time for the best full-length releases of 2010! It wasn't easy, considering there were so many excellent releases in 2010, but I've managed to pick my top 15. I can't think of a better way to start the new year, so let's get right down to it.

Who will win the coveted title of NMFY's best album of 2010?

15. 36 Crazyfists "Collisions And Castaways"
The Alaska boys of 36CF did it again, improving on everything they'd done in their last album and then some. Hard-hitting metalcore combined with some incredible melodies earned "Collisions And Castaways" a spot on this year's best albums list.

14. Underoath "Ø (Disambiguation)"
Coming up next is Underoath's latest effort. With a new drummer, a new clean vocalist, and a darker sound,  "Ø (Disambiguation)" is definitely their best work to date. Ambient and heavy, the Florida boys have shown that they've got more than enough fight left in them to keep the heavy coming.

13. Conducting From The Grave "Revenants"
Technical deathcore masters Conducting From The Grave have brought the pain once again. The new members breathe new life into the band, and "Revenants" showcases a ridiculous amount of talent and brutality, the likes of which the metal scene needed.

12. After The Burial "In Dreams"
You may be noticing a trend of "bands got new members and suddenly got even better than they were" going on here. Following that line of thinking, we have After The Burial's "In Dreams". Technical, heavy, and melodic, these progressive metalcore masters absolutely destroy with this new album.

11. The Absence "Enemy Unbound"
Blending the best elements of thrash and death metal, The Absence return with their third full-length entitled "Enemy Unbound". This album hits fast and hard and never lets up. With solos that wreck and choruses that will leave you floored, you definitely need to check this one out.

10. Miss May I "Monuments"
Rise Records, you may have noticed, have put out a lot of good records this year, and this one is no exception. Miss May I are back in action with their sophomore album "Mouments". Wicked guitar work, growling vocals, and soaring melodies earned MMI the number ten spot.

9. War Of Ages "Eternal"
War Of Ages have some of the best guitarists I've ever heard. Period. "Eternal" absolutely delivers with some of the best guitar solos on the planet. The addition of clean vocals to a couple songs adds so much depth to the music that this is their best work so far, and well worth a listen.

8. Sea Of Treachery "Wonderland"
Yet another band with new members, Sea Of Treachery are finally back with a new album. And the time and lineup change give the band a much more fine-tuned sound. Clean vocals play a major role this time around, but the heaviness doesn't suffer even a little. Be sure to pick up "Wonderland" and start your year off right.

7. Embracing Goodbye "Rock & Roll Ain't Dead"
You had to know this was coming. Southern metal is too awesome to just ignore. Embracing Goodbye's gritty vocals and crunchy guitars hit hard, and the melodic portions will have you singing along in no time. These southern boys make sure you know that "Rock & Roll Ain't Dead".

6. As I Lay Dying "The Powerless Rise"
Metalcore maestros As I Lay Dying are back in action with their most incredible release so far. It's obvious that frontman Tim Lambesis's time with Austrian Death Machine has done great things for AILD. Don't miss out on "The Powerless Rise".

5. Alter Bridge "AB III"
Mark Tremonti is one of the best guitarists alive, and anything he writes sounds amazing. The downside is that this level of talent takes time to write. Alter Bridge, his latest group, finally released their third album, and it's exactly what we've come to expect from them. Technical and catchy, "AB III" more than earns its place at number 5.

4. The Showdown "Blood In The Gears"
Southern metal masters The Showdown have returned to bring us a thrash infused good time. The pummeling guitars, gruff vocals, and pounding drums will have you out of your seat and moving before the end of the first song. With elements of southern, thrash, and death metal, with just a splash of hardcore, "Blood In The Gears" is one album you won't want to miss.
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Once again, we've come to the top three. These albums absolutely deserve your time. If you can only pick up a couple albums, make sure these three are on your list.
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3. The Word Alive "Deceiver"
The Word Alive's debut album "Deceiver" is a work of art. With soaring guitars, a perfect blend of screams, growls, and melodic vocals, and a brilliant gift for song-writing, TWA put an incredible amount of passion and energy into this album. At number three, "Deceiver" keeps finding its way back onto my playlist, and it'll find its way back to yours, too.

2. Four Year Strong "Enemy Of The World"
Pop-mosh is here to stay, and Four Year Strong are making sure of that. "Enemy Of The World" is a magnificently executed example of this style. Brilliant guitar-work and harmonized vocals make this album a must have for anyone who enjoys good music.

1. Parkway Drive "Deep Blue"
Brutal, technical, and downright heavy, it should be no surprise that Parkway Drive earned the number one spot with their latest effort "Deep Blue". Expanding on the foundations they've built with their first two albums, the Australian metalcore quintet put forth their best work to date. With a world of potential, I can't wait to see what they do next.

The winner of 2010's Muffinest Album of the year!

There you have it, folks - the top 15 albums of 2010. But don't think that this is the best that the music world has to offer. With a lot of great releases slated for this year, 2011 has the potential to be even better. So, farewell to 2010 - thanks for all the metal - and welcome 2011 - may you bring as many great albums as your predecessor. Happy New Year, my fellow muffiners.