MuffinZone

HERE.
This is where you will be fighting Commies.
With hover tanks.

Ok, some of you more... 'cultured'... readers out there may have heard of a game, released sometime in the mid/early 90's called Battlezone, and no, I'm not talking about the arcade game that looked like Tron and Doom drank a bottle of Black Velvet, did some LSD and then produced a child who would one day forge the one ring and have dominion over Middle Earth.  That's the wrong Battlezone.  The one I'm talking about involves fighting the Russians on the Moon with hover tanks during the cold war.  And no, that shit I'm actually not making up.

The official 1980's view of Russians courtesy
of capitalist America.
And yes, doing this on the moon would be a poor choice.

Now, to start off, this game was made in the 90's, so, it's old, but, contrary to popular belief these days, that does not mean it's shit.  It still looks presentable, the gameplay is still unparlleled in its genre, and the story is, well, it's still a story about America fighting Russia in space during the cold war over alien tech with hover tanks and mechsuits.  That alone should sell you on the game, oh, and one more thing, the word 'sell' isn't exactly appropriate here, since the game is, how do you say in America... FREE.  So, there's really no reason for you not to play this game, unless you have a crippling fear of joy, happiness, being American, or the empty void of space and decompression (in soviet russia, atmosphere decompresses you), in which case I think you may have a valid point.  But, for everyone out there who celebrates the fourth of July like a patriot and won't let a silly thing like a lack of breathable atmosphere hinder them from kicking commie ass throughout the solar system, then this, this is a game for you.

Ah, I love the smell of decompressing Russians
in the morning.

Onto the actual game.  It's a blend of a RTS and an FPS, you control your soldier or hover tank from a first person perspective, but also manage building a base, ordering other units, collecting resources and building an army, from said first-person-perspective.  That sounds a little... unwieldy.  But, in practice, it's not.  Harvesting in largely automated, and the menu system for building is quite streamilined, many modern games could stand to learn something here.  The unit commands also work well, although it is here that the FPS nature does hinder the game a bit, but, the strategies needed are not terribly complex, and with a little prep work some nifty tactics are pretty easy to accomplish.  The only main complain here is the A.I. which is, well, mid 90's A.I., which is to say Ham-Shit, no, not just 'shit', Ham-Shit, the shit that you get after eating a holiday meal with the family where your only escape from uncle bob's conspiracy theories is more ham, and that ham has nothing but malevolence for your digestion, and the shit which that ham ferments into is nothing more than pure, distilled, 150 proof evil.  That said, it doesn't break the game, it's still enjoyable, just be prepared for some frustration with pathfinding and targeting.

Anyway, I don't want to give away the story, because, well, surprising as it may be, a game about fighting 1970's era Ruskies on the moon actually has a decent plot, one worth playing though.  So, no spoilers for you.  Onto my arbitrary rating system:

Graphics: If you don't want to lower your standards you might need beer goggles this time, but hey, at least you don't need Black Velvet goggles.
Gameplay: patriotism at its best, only capitalists could mix RTS and FPS this well
Story: grade A ++, no utter fucking nonsense, no amnesia, just a giant ass government cover-up that miraculously doesn't sound like you estranged uncle who insists on wearing an aluminum foil hat at thanksgiving.
American-ism: we fucking won the cold war didn't we.
The Moon: still a bastard
A.I.: this is where you may actually want the Black Velvet goggles.

Overall Verdict:  your only valid excuse not to play this game is a crippling fear of enjoying life and being american, which is only a valid excuse if you a.) like in New Jersey or b.) are Fidel Castro.

New Jersey:
You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

UnderMuffin

So, in case you live under a rock, and have no life, and no friends, and are generally disliked by people, pets, kids, the Cherokee Indians, and Scandinavia I feel that it is my inherent duty as a fellow human being, well, maybe you're a cyborg, but in that case GTFO and go download some viruses with some tentacle hentai, but, as I was saying; human to human, comrade to comrade (or comrade to comradista), I feel that you must know about the movie series known in some parts of the world as "Underworld" exists.  And that that is a good thing.  And that if you disagree there will be octopi, and squids and sand, and you will not enjoy how they're combined.

Hey, at least these fuckers don't have teeth.
Oh.
Wait.
They have beaks.

Anyway, about these Underworld movies I mentioned before.  I'll start off with a picture.

Ok, to be fair, this tells you nothing about the movie, except that there's a hot chick, with leather and guns.
And the moon.... That Bastard.
Well, so far, it's a lot like Bayonetta, except a movie, which isn't a bad thing.

Anyway, it's a movie, and yes, that's Kate Beckinsale as the afore mentioned 'hot chick', so, it's not going to be exactly like a Bayonetta movie, Mrs. Beckinsale's a bit too classy for that (face it, Bayonetta was a game with a lot of fun, but not a lot of dignity, kinda like Ke$ha); also she's not a witch, she's a vampire.  And just to clarify, there are precisely no sparkling vampires here.  Yes, they've survived hundreds of years, and yet they've managed to stay away from the local high schools and have better things to do than stalk minors.

And by 'better things to do'
I mean, 'hunt and kill these motherfuckers'

So, as you may, or may not, have gathered, what I'm trying to tell you about is a movie series about vampires and werewolves.  Now, after that last bit about being a, and I quote myself, "cultured motherfucker", why in the fucking hell would I now bring up vampires and werewolves?  Well, simply put, they're classy bastards, and deserve your time and life essences.  These movies are not to be put into the same category as those, those other, movies about entities that sparkles and shirtless man children that get boners because of frisbees.  These movies get vampire lore and tradition at least kinda right.  Now, I say kinda, because, reading the Bram Stoker version of Dracula makes you realize that, quite literally, no movie made within the last twenty or more years has come even close to the original lore from Sir Stoker (and if he wasn't the first lore-person, well, eh, fuck it), but, for the sake of entertainment, the Underworld movies get enough right, and avoid the major fuck-ups associated with modern society's views of vampires (i.e: every other vampire movie made in the last 10 years except Van Helsing).  

Alright, I've said they're good, and distanced them from their other, unfortunate relatives as best I could with a single paragraph that didn't outright call Stephanie Meyer a giant radioactive cunt-with-limbs created by the North Korean government to one day drown the capitalist world in menstrual ooze and glitter while devouring orphans.  Well, now that I have kind of said that, let my explain why they're good.  Ok, lets start where all great things start: SCIENCE!  We're going to science the shit out of vampires, and no, this shit shalt not sparkle.  Lets start off with the first movie, where they use silver bullets and tracer rounds in guns; which makes perfect fucking sense, that's right motherfuckers, something that makes pretty damn good logical sense in a vampire movie!  Now, lets take that shit even further.  Silver bullets aren't terribly effective against werewolves, why?  Because, in its solid state, silver doesn't dissolve worth shit, and therefore doesn't enter the werewolves' bloodstream in toxic doses, meaning, remove the bullet and remove the poison, SCIENCE; so, there vampires made a bullet that carried silver nitrate, which, consequently, dissolves really fucking well in a body, and poisoned the shit out of the werewolves and killed their mutt-asses dead.  MOAR SCIENCE!  

Science will one day rule even the atoms of the atmosphere
with the iron fist of Fe+12 with a bonus to alpha radiation
and a weakness to fusion based attacks.

  Ok, enough science for now.  On to other things, like, style.  Underworld has style, Twilight.... doesn't.  In underworld, you have the feel of ancient vampires that are still angry as shit about something and werewolves that want steak (and not some goddam giant ass muffins), but in Twilight you have.... utter fucking nonsense.  Ok, I'll stop with the Twilight comparisons for a moment, but really, Underworld has style and class, it's the Audrey Fucking Hepburn of vampire movie series, where characters drive Maserati's and don't make a show of it or shove product placement down your throat.  Also, Victor sill uses a big-ass claymore to kill werewolves, which is about as classy as you can get with werewolf hunting.  And, might I add, one of the main characters in Underworld is a medical student, so, it's someone who actually has an education and intelligence in a lead role, and who's not in fucking high-school.

And now we're at the point, where, were this a normal movie review, I'd say something about the acting, or the directing, or the special effects, or some other shit.  But, lets face it, it's a movie about vampires and werewolves, and if you're watching it for grade A +++ directing or for emmy winning acting, then there is something seriously wrong with your brain that science won't even have a name for within your lifetime.  But, I will say some stuff about that shit, because, well, lets face it, despite what I just said, this movie has enough quality behind it that you don't need to feel ashamed of yourself for enjoying it.  Even the first movie had surprisingly good special effects, many of which weren't even CGI, and the werewolf transformation scenes are still some of the best I've seen.  Also, the acting throughout the series is far from terrible; that said, it's not great, but what keeps it from the classic definition of 'great' is a healthy dose of camp and the fact that the actors are portraying mythical creatures who yell a lot about bloodlines and abominations and covens, and all other such nonsense.

So, to recap, if you want a vampire/werewolf movie that was made on a budget large enough to buy a third world country, you choices are as follows:

Or this.
Whatever the fuck THIS is.
I dunno, this just looks like mother nature gave up on people
and said 'eh, fuck it' they don't need facial expressions.
And hell, why we're at it, they can behave like monkeys.
Seriously,
They love climbing trees
and throwing shit.
It's bad.

This.
A classy badass motherfucker
with guns and enough leather
to make PETA commit sepuku.

Oh, and just for the record, if you pick the expressionless shit throwing monkey people, then you're 537% more likely to die in a ditch after a hobo carjacks you, throws you in the trunk, sells you into a dog-fighting ring where you lose a leg and both arms, and then are shipped, air freight, to Cambodia where people have  fetish for wooden legs and people with no arms where you contract ebola from a hooker that's only alive because they've both a.) struck a deal with the devil, and b.) have done all of the crystal-meth, after which your insides start dissolving and you have just enough time to think back on all the horrible choices you made before your insides become your outsides and are then eaten by a flock of ravenous pandabears.

The lesson here: Watch Underworld, and don't get eaten by Pandas, they're like gingers, they're after your soul, not your liver.  So, don't watch Twilight=don't lose your soul to ravenous pandas and Ebola meth-hookers. 

Muffins of Light

And now for something completely different.

I'm going to prove that we, the motely crew here at the NoMuffinsForYou headquarters, that we, we us fine few, are cultured motherfuckers.  You read that right, no need to restart your computer, or, no, no, for fuck's sake don't unplug it to see if it stays on and that a demon is possessing your screen, this isn't para-fucking-normal shit here.  We are cultured bastards, dammit.

Ok, well, you're not convinced, I see you'll need some.... convincing.

So, here, I read a book.

And not just any book, you pretentious book-reading-bastard.  I'm talking about Lord of Light by a certain Mr. Sir. Lord Rodger Zelazny (I make no guarantee I spelled his name right, and yes, this cultured motherfucker is too lazy to check).  I'm sure all you doubters and haters out there who were, just moments ago so smug in your book reading skillz that you arduously leveled up over the years at the expense of social interaction and friends, now likely have no clue who or what I'm talking about.  Now, it's your turn to google shit.  That's right, I'm not linking to wiki for you this time you lazy bastard; you go write those letters, and shit, yo.  

...anyway....

I should probably stop trying to offend you.

Eh, fuck it, if you're reading this you're probably contributing less to society than I am, so do everyone a favor and become an organ donor.

...yeah... that might've offended some people....

Now, about this book that I've thus far only briefly mentioned.

Lord of Light is, by all estimations, one damn awesome book.  Ok, i can understand that you're skeptical at this point.  I've offered no proof after all, and that's not very scientific.  Now, let me point out that the first seven chapters can be read in any order, and the book will still make perfect fucking sense.  Let me challenge you with this, if you think that's not a show of literary shock and awe worthy of a good ole-fashioned American war; you try it, or even just name one other author that's pulled it off.  I'll give you a hint, even the great Frank Fucking Herbert didn't do that shit.  And no, Stephanie Meyer can't do that either, just, just no, no, if that was your first thought on this challenge then you need to spend your time burning money, and by 'burning money', I mean going to a shrink and spending hours upon hours of your life at $250/hr talking about yogurt and why your parents think, correctly, that you're a failure which they probably should have put up for adoption.  

Behold!
A picture, in a book review.
Now you feel right at home.
Don't let all those words and letters scare you.

So, it has clever writing, but is it good?  Well, yes, if you like things that are good, if you don't, then go read about sparkly stalker vampires that hang out in high-schools talking to minors about 10th grade level english; yes, that makes perfect fucking sense.  But it is good, and how can I show you this?  Well, consider that it's a fairly short book, just over 300 pages if I recall, and in that short span, Zelazny not only crafts an interesting tale, he not only just also creates multi-faceted characters with depth, that motherfucker also creates a whole damn world that rivals Arrakis and Middle Earth (granted, fewer pages equals less overall depth, but what needs to be there is there, and not a whole damn aplhabet for comic-con goers to learn).

Hm, what else does one say about books.... um, I'll simply state that Sir Zelazny crafts genuinely interesting characters, characters that are, thus far in my readership of sci-fi, classics, and other non-sense, truly unique; never before has one book contained so many sex changes and identity switching and still made perfect sense.  Anyway, what I would label as the real draw of the book is the world and the mythology upon which it is constructed.  It's based on Hindu mythology, and like any good American, you probably don't know jack-shit about that, except maybe that they really, really like cows, and, no, not in the same way that Scotsmen really like sheep (please, don't google that).  So, you have Hindu mythology, there's something new for your intellectually malnourished brain to digest right there.  Also, this implies reincarnation, which is a whole other load of sci-fi mindfuckery all together.

But really, I would say that it's a well crafted page turner written by someone who's likely won more awards for writing shit than everyone you'll ever meet combined will ever win for doing anything.  So, yeah, I'm not sure how else to endorse a book since there's no gameplay to critique, or nonsense plot to yell about, or graphics to insult, only damn good writing conveying characters through a story that's worth reading.

So, yeah, go read Lord of Light, or some other book.  A book that's not Twilight.

Or you'll become this guy.
And that's worse than a room with a Moose.