Christmastime Muffins

Look at this adorable little guy.
Your poor grammar and abuse of
abbreviations could end his life.
You don't want that, do you?

So, as you may or may not be aware, the Christmas season (which now starts in October?) is upon us! That's right boys and girls, this means that Santa will not be delivering anyone presents because he has been subsidized by a manufacturing company in Asia that is actually owned by an oil baron in the Caribbean. Or something like that. Maybe it's just because you all were very bad internet trolls who lack the ability to use proper grammar? You should get on that. Pay attention in English class, because, every time you use abbreviations like "totes" or "adorbz" or the abominable "LOL", a kitten is put in a burlap sack with several large bricks and tossed into an ocean. SO STOP IT, FOR THE SAKE OF THE KITTENS.

Any way, back to my original point: it's Christmas time. People have a wide variety of traditions for celebrating this beloved season, but they all seem to have the common denominator of unrestrained commercialism and material indulgence. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas. Sitting around the living room with my family after a massive breakfast and opening presents with my family is one of the best memories I take from every year. However, it is the mad rush to the stores and the sense of entitlement that people seem to have that drives me abso-FREAKING-lutely over the top. I'll be honest, my parents still ask me for a Christmas list every year, but I find it more and more difficult to come up with items to put on the list every year. This may be because my tastes have changed and I really don't feel the need to ask for every new gadget that comes out. But I think it's because I've realized that I'm simply happy to give and receive gifts and spend the day with family members, some of whom I rarely have the opportunity to see due to college, work, or the simple fact that they live so far from home.

Bet you didn't see that coming, did you? The No Muffins For You crew making you realize that we're not all heartless, soulless bastards? Yeah, that's right.

So what's my point in all of this? If you haven't gathered, I am a proponent of buying gifts for family, friends, significant others, and even hobos on the local street corner. Somewhere in the midst of all the holiday rush, we lost sight of the actual joy of seeing someone's face light up when they get a gift that you really thought through and spent hours of planning to try and find exactly what they really wanted, whether they said it or not.

This brings me to my next point about Christmastime's over-commercialization: THE GOD-AWFUL EAR-RAPE THAT SOCIETY CALLS MUSIC AND INSISTS ON INFLICTING ON EVERY HUMAN BEING. To clarify, I absolutely love the classic renditions of such songs as "Mr. Grinch", "Winter Wonderland", "Let It Snow", and many, many more courtesy of the greats like Sinatra, Crosby, and the like. It's these mind-numbingly generic, poorly orchestrated, auto-tuned, pop renditions of those classic songs that I loathe. Not just hate, mind you. LOATHE. With every fiber of my being.

This is how you celebrate Christmas:
With fireworks, lasers, and insane guitar solos.

Now, this commercialization has produced quite a few covers of classic songs that I love dearly. For example August Burns Red's covers "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" and "Carol of the Bells" are spectacular - so spectacular, in fact, that they have spawned a new term: CHRISTMOSH. And Trans Siberian Orchestra has yet to release an album that I don't love (read "Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24" is amazing). There are so many great covers out there. Plus, original tunes like MxPx's "Christmas Night of the Zombies" make the season enjoyable and lighthearted. All of these factors have led me to craft new Christmas playlists with music filled with talent that I truly enjoy.

So, what's the point of all this seemingly random rambling? My point is this: Christmas is a wonderful time of year filled with memories and fellowship that really has no equal. Don't forget it. Don't lose yourself in the rush to buy the newest iPhone (or whatever you youngins are after these days, I can't keep track). Take a moment to reflect on what makes this time of year valuable to you.

Merry Christmas from the curmudgeonly, grumpy, yet mildly amusing folks at No Muffins For You.

Ninety Nine Percent Muffins

Sup bitches, now onto economics and politics.
Why?  You ask.  Because surely I would not stoop into that cesspool of biased propaganda based filth that is the political system.  Well, the answer is that I just got this sweet pair of waders off amazon and I want to see if they're radioactive-ebola proof; and the only place to find mental radioactive-ebola is politics, specifically, American politics, just to clarify which serotype of ebola we're working with here.

I noticed this post was lacking in pictures, so, here's
a picture of a duck.

So, first off, I'm not going to identify myself with any party.  Why?  Because they're tossers- All of them.  Drawing lines between groups is a.) one of the best historical ways to incite genocide (don't believe me, look up Rwanda, and read about how fucked up that shit was) and b.) it's the best way to STAY ELECTED or to GET ELECTED.  Because, lets face it, having to vote on people based off of what they think and say and having to have intelligent discussion of ideas and actual debates of topics that don't fit into the five minutes between commercials is just not something that politicians want to do, and it's not something the average American citizen is mentally equipped to do.  Also, a lot of politicians would get thrown out on their asses real quick if they actually had to explain the reasoning behind their 'stances' (not all mind you, Ron Paul in particular has proven himself adept at explaining WHY he thinks the way he does, but many others would end up looking pants-on-head-retarded for even trying, also, I'm not a libertarian, just fyi).  And more to the point with parties, it's easy to stay elected when all you have to do is convince people that you're not affiliated with Party "X" when they want to ruin everything and that even if you're a complete incompetent idiot you're better than allowing them to get power.  Same goes for getting elected, you don't need to argue views and points, you argue that the person from party "Y" has fucked up enough that they shouldn't be allowed to stay; and that doesn't mean that you have any solutions to the problems, or that you'll fuck up less, just that you're not with party "Y".  Basically, it comes down to the same mindset of Eagles or Cowboys?  And yes, that IS what's running our country, political sports teams with as much talent as your below-average soviet era Russian made toaster.

ANNNNNNNND
a picture of a squirrel
thinkin you're dumb
and that you have a terrible resume
and will be fired from 5 different Arbys.

So, we draw lines, so that we can point to the other side and say "AH-HA!!", or "FUCK YOU!!" or "NOT OUR FAULT!!" or "THAT REF IS A BLIND CUNT!!!".  And you know what that does?  Incites the blame game (fyi, it's always the ref's fault, except in rugby).  It makes it so that more emphasis is focused on who's to blame for a problem than on fixing the problem.  Dependency on foreign oil?  Blamed on Bush, but before then blamed on Clinton, and before him blamed on the other Bush, and so on and so forth back to the bitch-flipping SEVENTIES.  And you know what?  All of the presidents who addressed this problem did more to point out that they didn't start the problem than they did to fix it.  The main thing they all did was set deadlines for future presidents to fail to meet while blaming the policies of their fore-runner of the other party.  That's not to say no progress has been made, but that for all the effort of blaming parties and people for oil dependecy and prices, very little has been done to fix the problem.

And, what's that?  You want to know WHY???

This chipmunk hates you
it's pretending to eat your pancreas.
So that you'll have diabetes
And begin to turn into Wilfred Brimley
Then Sir. Brimley will come for you
And behead you, and yell:
"THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!"

Because doing something about a big problem other than blaming someone else requires drastic action, action that will, in all likelihood, take your chances of, you guessed it, RE-ELECTION, and shoot them down the shitter like all the tequila and glitter Ke$ha's been vomiting up over the years.  Now, I'm not saying I agree with what current Mr. President has done, but I give him props for doing something about healthcare.  I'm not saying it was the best thing, but, point being, he did something, even if it did take his re-election odds out back and throw them under a bus that looks conspicuously like the constitution.

AND THAT BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT!

Exploiting the American people.  Now, I referenced a constitution wrapped bus, and exploiting the American people, so, I can only be referring to one of two people and no, it's not Ke$ha, but between her and Sarah Palin, who I am referencing, I'd wager that Ke$ha's the more intelligent.  So, here's my problem with the whole bus that looks like the constitution thing: Palin used it to tour the country, to gain supporters, and to gain funds.  Funds for what you ask?  Well, while she always claimed she was undecided to run for Presidency, that was what the funds were heavily implied to be for, that with enough funding she'd run.  Well.......

This chinchilla wishes it was a pokemon
so it could get into animal fighting
and be a pro.
currently, it has a deskjob in chicago.
it's very very sad.

She never had any intention of running for the Presidency, she'd told her family that months before, and he daughter had told the press as much, also, months before she announced officially that she wouldn't be running.  So, why try to keep gaining funds for a presidential campaign that would never happen?  Because there is abso-fucking-lutely no oversight on how she spends campaign contributions.  Something Stephen Colbert has pointed out with his Super-Pac.  But, let me reiterate, Palin took funds from supporters under the guise of maybe running for Presidency, if support and funding where both there, AFTER having her daughter announce on the news that she told her family months before that she would NOT BE RUNNING.  Granted, it's not unheard of for women to change their minds, but still, the fact that she'd already been sued in the past for embezzlement should have tipped some people off.  Now, this isn't to say that I'm anti-republican, but that Sarah Palin specifically is an idiot, a fraud, and representative of who we're electing for office anywhere.

This is what Cher used to look like
before....
before....
it happened.

Now that I've tackled the elected officials, lets go on to their constituents.  Lets start off with this "99%" that I keep hearing about.  And, more importantly, lets look at WHY they're the 99%.  First off, while they're angry they're not the top earners in America, they're also angry at "corporate greed".  Which is what's making the CEO's of companies rich while the ratio of their earnings to their employee's earnings keeps going in their favor.  Now, I can see why people don't like this.  But, can you honestly say they don't deserve it?  I mean, do you see any of the angry people starting their own highly successful companies to make that kind of money? No.  And if you want to fix that problem, I hate to tell you, but the government isn't the place to try to fix it.  Government cannot fix greed.  It's a human problem.  What government can do is tax, and the power to tax is the power to destroy.  But, you know what'll happen if the government keeps taxing top executives?  They'll keep paying themselves more money.  Simple as that.  And if government does anything too drastic, guess what?  They'll go overseas and scream "FUCK YOU" from across the pacific.  Also, lemme point out that 99% of the 99% would do the same damn thing in their shoes.  And if you want to complain about stagnant middle class wages and lower end wages, well, ask this question: why should they be paid more for a job they're already doing for less?  This is simple business.  If you want more money for a job someone else will do for less, then guess what, the other person will be doing the job, assuming they have at least comparable competency.  The problem here lies in supply and demand.  There is a huge supply of labor, and a low demand, meaning that companies will continually hire the lowest bidder to do any job, meaning that you, the 99%, are the reason they're not paying you more-- it's because you're willing to work.  Now, we came up with a 'solution' to this problem decades ago, they were unions.  But, unions have their own sets of pro's and con's that I don't feel like getting into.  But fact of the matter is that CEO's are in very low supply, and companies place a very high demand on the best they can get, so they get pain an ass-load of money.  THIS IS BASIC BUSINESS.  And government can't fix it, so stop yelling at the government to tax them more and let them keep their earnings, they didn't get there by being incompetent.  And if they're taxed less, maybe, and by maybe I mean this is a mathematical certainty, they'll be able to be paid less to live the same lifestyle, meaning more money goes into the company, and into the products and employees of that company.  Also, if you really want  to complain about a CEO and tell a company ANYTING: stop buying their product.  Until you do that, they don't give half a flying fuck about what you think.  And using reason, logic and a sense of 'fairness' to do so won't work; claiming the company supports satanism might though.

Ok, I started writing this a while ago, and I forgot where I was, and I don't feel like going back and reading my shit to see where I was going, so, that's all you get.

Fuck-off Llama says:
"Fuck Off-
Bitch"

Final Muffins: Muffiny Fate

So, it's been about a month, and you know what's happened in that month since you were last educated about vaccines and their relationship to playboy models?  Well, SHIT GOT REAL.  That's what happened.  People have been maced in the fucking face over technology that was new before the housing market and the global economy got into that huge bitching contest back in '08.  But, you know what else?  No, fuck no you don't.  You didn't even know what I just told you, you might not even speak American anymore, for all I know, you think we're back in the middle ages.  And that, dear children, is because FINALS WEEK is once again upon us.

Look at this penguin.
Look upon him.
AND DESPAIR.

Yes, FINALS WEEK, that cheery christmasy time of year when people are festive, decorations are hung, eggnog is nog'd, reindeer are suddenly culturally relevant, people stop giving a fuck about Lady Gaga and listen to surprisingly inappropriate classic christmas music.  Also, if you're in college during this time of year, this wintery wonderland of magic and happiness, rife with elves and polar bears to be boxed, might, just might, look a bit like hell.

That's right, Hell.  And I don't mean fucking Kansas.  But that's damn close.

And right now, this personal hell isn't going to make any damn sense to you.  Because your brain is fucking fried.  It's like you just got drunk off history and differential equations but no amount of vomiting will make it better, because history's a bitch, and a half, well, more like a bitch with a midget bitch as a pet, that the full-sized bitch rides like a bitchy steed into battle, so she can smite the whores.  Now, why were the whores smited?  Because they represented the hope that your brain had.  And now they're gone, disemboweled and feasted upon by midget history bitch gremlins.

Maybe the 1950's weren't so bad after all.

So, your hopes and dreams are all belong to the bitches' intestines.  And those bitches be crazy, so, you don't really want them back.  BUT WHAT YOU DO WANT.  Is FREEDOM.  Cuz this is AMERICA.  And you shall look upon the wasteland that the bitches of history and science have wrought upon your personal hellscape and you shall yell into the horizon "Yippie Ki Yay-- MOTHERFUCKERS!!!"  And you shall give no more fucks.  Because all your fucks have been given, or maybe there were simply none to give in the first place, alas, these existential questions are not for us to ponder, for the ass is bountiful, there are many kicks to be made, and time is short.

So, the ass is plentiful, the kicks abound, and time is the limiting reagent is this equation of intellectual disembowelment.  You know what this means.  Your mission, if you choose to accept it, and you will because you're not a Canadia and are in no way related to a certain Mr. Travolta, is to kick Mr. Hawking's ass until relativity is your pretty little bitch.  And then you shall bend time to your will and you shall kick the asses until the ending of the age.  And when historians in the eons to follow discover the site where the ass was all kicked, they will look upon the site, they will examine the site, they will consult experts in assology, and they will conclude that the ass never even existed.

To be fair though, I wouldn't argue with free vodka.

But, the asses aside-- that's an issue for future assologists, not you, it is not for your enfeebled mind.  Your main concern: EVERYTHING IS TRYING TO KILL YOU.  I mean, it is finals week.  And before you can kick all the ass, you must survive-- EVERYTHING.  Particularly your own body.  Now, I've mentioned this before, but well, sleep is trying to kill you.  BUT, it is your right, as an AMERICAN, to try and kill it right the fuck back.  But sleep is all in your mind?  So how do you kill it, surely your mind is a good American?  Right?  FUCKING WRONG.  There's a damn commie living in there, fucking up your cerebrum, forcing you to try to make vodka from instant mashed potatoes and having you sign arms treaties with North Korea in your sleep while trying to develop an anti-capitalism blender: capitalist milk and ice cream in- sadness and socialism out- just like Sarah Palin.

Remember, Remember the 13th of December
Lawmower, disembowlment and cops.
For I know no reason, the Lawnmower Treason
Should ever have been stopped.

Oh, and your shower, that's trying to kill you.  You think that water's all falling on you benignly, with loveing kindness to wash away the foul stench of socialism that's permeated your very being as you've fermented all those long hours in the classroom.  NO.  That water is the real terrorist threat.  Every drop a suicide bomber.  And every dead skin cell washed away a casualty.  Beware!  For the shampoo is a detergent, and the water seeks only to eliminate your coefficient of friction keeping you firmly planted on this bit of capitalist soil so that gravity might work it's dark magics that it hath summoned forth from the dark realms where the tall grass waits with lurking monsters to devour thy ankles to feed the terror machines of the ancients.  All that to say: don't slip in the shower, or drop the soap, depending on where you're showering, and if you go in the tall grass then for fuck's sake don't pick Charmander as your starting pokemon, unless you enjoy being raped by Pidgeys.  Or hell, just use a fucking lawnmower-- SUPEREFFECTIVE BITCHES, but weak against rock types, they'll still fuck you up, and raise your insurance rates, and please, don't try to explain this to the cops, just shut the fuck up until you get an attorney; because I guarantee you the cop won't give a damn about how many badges you think you've earned by mowing the school's lawn 36 times at 4am and by running over every squirrel and freshman in a 4 mile radius, he'll give you a sobriety test, and when you fail, you can explain how close your lawnmower is to evolving into a fucking field tractor.

Oh, and don't use me as your one phone call- I'll say you have a meth lab.

Somehow, we taught this to a fucking duck.
And Sarah Fucking Palin, which might be more impressive.

Oh, you're still stuck on the part where there's a disembodied commie living in your brain.  And you want to know how to kill it.... um.... honestly, my first thought is a grisly bear, but I'm not sure how the fuck you'd get on into your brain and sure as fucking hell don't have a damn idea how you'd get it back out, cuz once it's in, your spine is going to look like a stream of salmon descended straight from the heavens.  And you don't want a bear in your spine.  No one does.  Unless you're into that.  But that's... odd... I don't even want to know... forget I even said that.  BUT. What you could do with that bear is box it, put a big damn UPS label on it and ship it that commie's family and hold them for ransom against a motherfucking angry bear and see how dedicated to the Motherland that bastard really is.  And by 'that bastard', I mean your professors, they're the disembodied commies living in yo brain.  They're the ones that receive tenure based solely on how many of you they can make lose faith in America, Santa Clause, and Hershey's Chocolate.

If that were part of the immune system
the swine flu would have stayed the fuck
in swine and left our damn bacon alone.
THAT BACON WAS INNOCENT.

So yes, it's finals week, and everything is trying to kill you, particularly your own brain, literally, this time in a scientific way, because when you're drunk off history fighting the communism of math, your brain tends to stop giving a fuck, and when it does that, it releases stress hormones, to try to get you to stop giving a fuck as well, because clearly, you're giving out your fucks like a Santa Clause that lost his naughty list.  And what those stress hormones do is, well, a whole damn lot of things, but the part that can kill you, well, ONE of the parts that can kill you is that they suppress your immune system, so that anything can kill you, or at least make you miserable, or, things can team up and try to kill you, like an Iron Curtain Tag Team match from hell inside yo cells, with MRSA and H1N1 fuckin' yo shit up like it's 1999 and the governator's still making movies.

Oh, and refrigerators, never trust them, or fuck them.  That's some good advice to live by.