2010's Muffinest EPs

In the spirit of the "best of 2010" lists going around, I figured I'd enlighten you folks as to what I believe the best music of the year has been. And, just because there has been so much good music, you fine human beings are getting a double dose! That's right, not only will you get Pawn's favorite full length albums, but first, you get his favorite EPs! Don't you feel lucky?

Who will win the title of Muffinest EP of 2010 and the right to be known as the muffiny king of 2010's EPs?

Now, without further ado, here are my top 15 picks for the best EPs of 2010:

15. Harp And Lyre "Clumsy Architects"Harp And Lyre have been around for a couple years now, and they're really developing their sound. With a rockin' post-hardcore style mixed with a touch of the south and a little bit of chaos, you definitely don't want to miss out on these guys.

14. Same As Sunday "Earn Your Stripes"
Pop-mosh is on its way up, and Same As Sunday are helping to push it as far as they can. A ridiculously poppy sounding vocalist blends perfectly with wicked guitar riffs. "Earn Your Stripes" is well worth a listen.

13. The Wedding "Distance EP"
The boys of The Wedding are back in action after several years of silence with the "Distance EP". The years have only been kind to them, as this is their best release to date. It's good old rock 'n' roll with a heavier edge to it, so don't miss it!

12. Vanna "The Honest Hearts EP"
Vanna has a special place on my iPod, and they always will. They play a fun little blend of punk, post-hardcore, and metal that makes you want to get up and move. "The Honest Hearts EP" is just what the doctor ordered to tide us over until their next full-length.

11. Ten After Two "If You Don't First"
The first of several Rise Records bands to make this list, Ten After Two have some serious potential. This five song EP shows their post-hardcore/metalcore mastery, and I'm very excited to see what they can do with a full album.

10. Rise To Remain "Bridges Will Burn EP"
London based metalcore outfit Rise To Remain have several EPs under their belts, with the "Bridges Will Burn EP" being their most recent effort. With insane guitars, brutal growls, and catchy melodies, you'll definitely find yourself coming back to this one.

9. It Prevails "Findings EP"
It Prevails plays a wicked little mix of metalcore and melodic hardcore, and they play it well. With two full-lengths already under their belt, this three song EP shows that they put just as much effort into the little releases as they do the big ones.

8. The Suit "The Way That We Fall"
Punk rock and metal have never gone so well together. Gang vocals, ripping guitars, and fast paced beats make The Suit's (formerly Midnight Suit) "The Way That We Fall" a very fun listen. This EP is their first effort under the new name, and new sound, and I can't wait to hear what they do next.

7. Messengers "Anthems"
You guys may remember my full review of this EP earlier this year and my high praise of it. With a brutal combination of thrash and hardcore, Messengers have more than shown how talented they are. With a full-length tentatively slated for 2011, next year is gearing up to be just as good for metal as this year.

6. This Fires Embrace "In Transit"Hard rock/metal outfit This Fires Embrace has managed to fly pretty under the radar, despite having already released an EP and a full-length. With nine songs, you definitely get your money's worth, and the guitar work alone is worth the price of admission.

5. Oh Constantine "Into The Beginning"
The Pennsylvania boys of Oh Constantine are amazing, plain and simple. Talented, heavy, and energetic, this EP shows just how devoted they are to not only their music, but also to their faith. With so much potential, I'd love to see them get signed and have the opportunity to get the national recognition they deserve.

4. Like Moths to Flames "Sweet Talker" 
Next up, we've got the second Rise Records band of the list, and they wreck house. With a brutal style of metalcore mashed with post-hardcore, Like Moths To Flames have found a sound that works brilliantly for them. Keep an eye on these boys, because they're on the way up.
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This brings us to the top three. There is a reason these bands are at the top of my list, and that reason is talent, plain and simple. They have shown a level of musicianship and songwriting that should set the bar for every other band out there. If you only pick up a couple EPs this year, the next three are must haves.
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3. My Ticket Home "The Opportunity To Be"
My Ticket Home (Rise Records band number three) released their second EP, and Rise Records debut, and it keeps finding its way back to my playlists. These guys live on the heaviest end of the post-hardcore spectrum, and they've got an incredible gift for the style.

2. Chapter 14 "Like Trees In November"
Currently comprised of Chad Ackerman and Tanner Sparks, both of Destroy The Runner fame, Chapter 14 plays an alternative/metalcore/post-hardcore style masterfully (if you're familiar with DTR, think "I, Lucifer" sound). With DTR on an indefinite hiatus, Chapter 14 has the perfect chance to step into the spotlight - and they have more than enough talent to do so.

1. The Devil Wears Prada "Zombie EP"
Part of me feels bad giving the number one spot to what is basically a joke concept album, but The Devil Wears Prada have progressed to a much heavier and more technical sound than anything they've released to date. Despite the humorous, almost ridiculous nature of this EP, the musicianship is top-notch, and the atmosphere they created with it absolutely earned it the title of THE MUFFINEST EP OF 2010!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the muffiny king of 2010's EPs

There you have it, boys and girls - Pawn's picks for 2010's best EPs. Stay tuned, up next is the year's best albums, and there are some serious heavyweights in the running.

Tron Muffin

First off, Merry Christmas! Good, now that I’ve been festive, on to Jeff Bridges: The Movie. It’s about Jeff Bridges. It’s about young Jeff Bridges, old Jeff Bridges, Jeff Bridges not being Jeff Bridges, Jeff Bridges being Jeff Bridges, and Jeff Bridges being a glowing Obi-wan Kenobi.

Funnily enough that pretty accurately describes Jeff Br…I mean Tron Legacy. The original Tron was a film from the 80’s about a software engineer named Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges) being digitized (lasered) into a corporation’s computer network by a HAL-esque program called the Master Control Program (MCP). Once inside Flynn discovers that programs are people, data is erased using tanks, arcade games are gladiatorial death matches, and that he, being a “user” is God. The name of the movie is derived from a security program Flynn meets called Tron, designed by a good buddy of his from ENCOM (think Apple, only not Apple). Flynn and Tron eventually (and I mean eventually…the pace of the movie is slower than a fat guy on the toilet after Thanksgiving dinner) destroy the MCP and Flynn finds some data that proves he created some games or something and gets out of glowing-death world.

Tron developed a cult following, but that was about it. The computer graphics were far ahead of their time, and the concepts used in the movie were original and high quality science fiction. The movie’s problem was it was incredibly slow paced and the story and dialogue itself were not that good. Disney presumably put this movie away and forgot about it….that is until twenty some years later.

Today we have Tron Legacy. Legacy follows Flynn’s son Sam who was abandoned after his father (Jeff Bridges) disappeared a short while after the events of the first Tron. Sam is a college-aged computer whiz who likes to screw with ENCOM in the most glorious of ways (leaking software to the interwebs etc.) He eventually stumbles onto the “grid” where his father has been trapped for the last twenty years. After the most balls-out awesome scene of the movie (light cycles FTW), Sam is rescued by the beautiful computer program Quorra (Olivia Wilde) who takes him to his father. Since I don’t feel like describing the rest of the plot in detail, here’s a summary: Quorra is a non-created artificial intelligence, C.L.U. is an evil dictator program who wants to go Hitler on the world and is defeated by “Empty Recycle Bin”, and Sam and Quorra make it back to the real world because Jeff Bridges is a boss.

The reason I didn’t want to describe the plot in detail is because, like the first movie, it isn’t why you go to see the it. No, you go to see Tron because you want your eyes and ears to fornicate with the movie screen. Tron is UNBELIEVABLY pretty. The light effects, vehicles, and Olivia Wilde make Tron a candy store for the eyes. What makes the visuals even more fantastic is the soundtrack Daft Punk put together for the movie. The music is perfect throughout and enhances every action scene by tenfold. It wasn’t Tron's plot that moved me, but the music’s flawless integration with the visuals. Legacy also doesn’t forget that it’s a sequel. There are plenty of references to the original movie, and even I was excited when the “evil ship” appeared in all its newly rendered glory. All the retooling is done creatively and I was thrilled with every old and new vehicle / device the movie threw at me.

While they didn’t have much to work with, the actors did a decent job of making me “care” about the characters. Jeff Bridges was brilliant as Kevin Flynn, however I found myself not being able to take what he was saying seriously most of the time due to his crazy hippie that would surface perhaps a little too often. Garret Hedlund and Olivia Wilde more than substantially filled their respective parts. Jeff Bridges also did a substantial job of playing C.L.U., a program based on his 1980’s self. Computer face-mapping technology has come a long way, and “young Jeff Bridges” looked good, however a combination of lighting issues and the deadness of computer eyes made him discernibly “inhuman.” This turned out to be great though, as C.L.U. is a program, not a human.
While the plot of Tron Legacy isn’t strong as a story, there are several undertones and themes one can take away from it. One could take away religious themes centered toward the deistic, with a summary of how creation rebelling against creator never ends well for either (but mainly the creation). A historical allegory to Hitler can also easily be seen. There’s also a commentary in there about the interaction of man and technology, but I don’t care enough right now to try and elaborate on that. There is one thing that can be HEAVILY pulled out of Tron Legacy though…Star Wars. Flynn is essentially Obi-wan Kenobi (robe and all), a few of the weapons too closely resemble lightsabers, C.L.U.’s ship is a Corellian Corvette, the ship escape at the end might as well have been the Millenium Falcon escaping the Death Star, and Jeff Bridges uses the force to defeat Jeff Bridges in the end.

Overall, Tron Legacy is a film I would recommend you spend your time and money to go see. You’ll find yourself laughing at several points, in awe at others, and having plenty of WTF moments. It’s a good time, and if anything you’ll drive home wishing you had light trails shooting out the back of your minivan.

>EpicError

MuffinBreakers

About as similar to 'The Matrix' and '28 Days Later' as it
is to 'Mean Girls' and 'Barbie's Princess Pony'.

Ok, so, the movie Daybreakers.  Lets start off with my official rating: on a scale of one to ten, this movie gets a "What the Fuck" because that's what I ended up asking myself more than every other scene.  This movie doesn't even get numbers.  Why?  Because if it did, it would ruin them; this movie is why Hollywood can't have nice things.

Ok, so, review time, where do I even start here with this movie...?

Oh, right.

Lets start by asking "Where the hell did all the guns go?"
Seriously, where the fuck are the guns?  Did this movie forget that it involves people?  And that people, when oppressed by other people, governments, society, peers, vampires, etc, you get my point, anyway; people like to kill the shit that's oppressing them.  And guess what people do that with most of the time: guns.  And when they're not using guns, they're using bombs.  And don't give me that "but they're vampires, guns don't work bullshit."  One vampire gets knifed to death, I'm sure if a kitchen utensil can kill one, a 12 gauge shotgun will kill one every kind of dead.  Oh, and when you poke them, they asplode.  WHAT THE FUCK???!?!!?  you could go on a mass-vampire-murdering spree with a fucking Bic brand ballpoint pen.  You don't need concentration camps, firing squads, guns, weapons, an army, or even much hand-eye coordination to wipe out vampire; you need a fucking pen.  Oh, and instead of guns, they used crossbows; maybe that was to pay homage to the idea of staking one through the heart, but, i say again, knifing one to death worked pretty damn well, so... i ask again; where the hell were the guns?

Also, the most badass vampire in the movie (pictured above)
was a hobo/gardener.
This actually almost made 'Edward' seem manly by comparison. 

Ok, so, guns aren't really in this movie, and when they are, they're shooting tranquilizer darts; again, lame, but ok, i'll go with it for now.  The next question is: Why the hell does everyone drive a Chrysler 300C??  Ok, I understand that Chrysler sponsored the movie, and that they obviously wanted product placement with intrusiveness about on par with a frontal lobotomy, but still, they make more than one damn car- for real, go to a dealer, they have a lot of shit there that's not a 300C.  Or a Jeep.  Oh, and with the cars, they have special 'daylight driving' modes to protect the occupants from UV light, which is apparently the scientific explaination for vampires.  But, what they didn't even bother to think about or consider, it that glass, on it's own, blocks a ton of UV light; it's why you have to use quartz crystal when doing UV spectroscopy in analytical chemistry: factchecker, you should be fired.

Oh, the next WTF of the movie: starving vampires turn into crazed psychopathic killing machines with super strength, no conscience and a desire to kill everything, drink it, and then kill it again.  Again I ask: How the hell does this make one damn ounce of sense?  A little fyi: if you're starved, of ANYTHING, you do not become stronger, and you don't get elf ears.  You get the opposite, you get really fucking weak; like, standing up is a challenge weak.  You do not go "HULK SMASH" and launch people across rooms because they got between you and your happy meal.  More likely, you don't have enough strength to unwrap the cancer-burger in the happy meal.  ALTHOUGH, to be fair, if you are starving, and bloodsugar levels drop, neuron function is the first to go, so, they got the mental deterioration kinda right; but, again, we're talking about slipping into a coma and dying, not suddenly becoming Drunken-SuperMcAngry-Kung-fu-Hitler.

another valid "What the fuck?" question:
why the hell did they make all their new
buildings reflective if sunlight is lethal?
Am I the only one who thinks that's a
counterproductive health hazard?

Another "What the fuck?" moment:  vampires spontaneously explode.  In one of the opening scenes a vampire gets a 'scientific' procedure done on him where 'synthetic blood' is injected into him to test if it's useful, oh, wait, :spoiler:.  Anyway, they inject about 2-3 oz of this stuff into him, and he blows the fuck up.  Like, literally, he splatters across the entire room.  How the fuck did that happen?  What are vampires made of that apparently is so exothermic that if you don't say enough nice things to it it will explode and splatter you everywhere like a hampster in a microwave?

DISCLAIMER: We, here at NoMuffinsForYou, do not condone animal violence or the microwaving of any such small furry woodland creatures of children; I am only pointing out that they do, in fact, fit in microwaves, and that microwaving them may produce a 'popping' effect.

The story.  Ok, so... it's vaguely a commentary on America's dependency on oil, and by 'vaguely' I mean, it may as well be the title of the movie.  This movie could very well have had absolutely nothing to do with vampires and still made the same exact point; the only reason vampires were in the movie, is to get people caught in the 'vampire craze' to watch this shit, and by people, i really only mean Twilight fans who will watch anything if it's even hinted that something sparkles and there's a creep pedophile stalker.  It tries, it really does, but it misses out on the very core idea of vampires, and that is that vampires are badass motherfucking sons of bitches.  These vampires were what you'd get if you crossed Jersey Shore with Dr. Phil and that Mad Money guy, senseless drama, lack of identity, and for some dumbass reason they threw economics in there.  And my next question is.... Why the hell did this story have it's plot points in the first place?

This is humanity in the "The Future: The Dumbass Vampire Edition"
Because they've obviously forgotten that teenagers exist.

You have people turning into vampires by the masses so that the vampires rule the world, but apparently vampires are about as adept at world ruling as Pinky and the Brain.  There's a blood shortage, because there's not enough people, or animals, and they can't make a substitute; so, they're idiots.  You want to know how to fix a people shortage?  Teenagers, pizza and beer.  How does this work?  Well, you shouldn't need to ask that, and if you do, just go and ask Google where babies come from, but the short version is that: people like to fuck.  And guess what you dumbass vampires?  People fucking makes MORE PEOPLE. ROFLZOMGLOL, it's no like there aren't 200000 reality TV shows dedicated to this groundbreaking concept.  And, I'm pretty sure that if you took a roomful of teenagers and told them that they're supposed to fuck as much as humanly possible with an endless supply of free pizza, booze, and whatever the hell else they want, and all you demand in return is a blood donation, well.... lets just say college enrollment would hit an all time low.

Now, I'm not only going to say bad things about this movie or point out why it's story doesn't make an ounce of sense, I will say some good things too.  It was well directed, and the special effects were alright.  It wasn't great, we're not talking a Tarantino or Nolan grade level of directing, but, it's better than a SyFy original.

But apparently the director was also a Jedi knight, or a Sith Lord, because somehow Williem Dafoe was tricked into being in this movie, maybe he lost a bet, or maybe it was the Sith: you decide.  

So, in conclusion, if you enjoy movies that make no sense, have more plot issues than DBZ and Power Rangers combined, and have action scenes about as exciting as watching someone else make pancakes, don't have enough vitamin-dumbassvampire in your diet, have about 100 minutes of your life that you'd really prefer to not enjoy, or just want a reason to stop having a reason to live; then this movie is for you.  I can't even say that it's better than a poke in the eye, because at least that gives you someone to beat the living shit out of, and then sue for enough money to at least buy a cup of coffee.    

FINAL Muffins

Ok, so, most of us are college students, that was kind of a secret, not really, but, if you're on the lower end of the normal IQ distribution you may not have noticed, and that's what I was counting on.  Anyway, it is now, or will be soon, FINALS WEEK.  The week when everything tries to kill you.

Appearance of peaceful serenity: yes
Will it kill you if you drop your guard: yes
Are there hidden polar bears: yes
Do these bears have lightsabers: yes

EVERYTHING.

You think I'm making this up?  It snowed.  Mother Nature turned the entire outdoors into a frozen, ice coated deathtrap filled with friction dependent multi-ton, motorized steel monsters, commanded by complete ass-hats, roaming about- just for us squishy, organ filled pedestrians.  This isn't even survival of the fittest, this is survival of the lucky bastards.

And the least squishy.

Garfield is made of LIES!!

It speaks only Truth.

Your own body even tries to kill you; with sleep.  You don't have time for it, you body demands it.  And yet, if you sleep, you die a horrible accademic death and go to burger king hell which is like the mortal form of purgatory if purgatory sucked more ass than your mind can comprehend; or, you don't sleep, and you avoid that festering grease wasteland but, you catch the crazies instead.  Now, 'the crazies' isn't exactly one of my normal scientific terms, the reason for this is simple; you don't catch a single scientifically quantifiable type of crazy, you catch ALL of the crazies.  You hallucinate, you become paranoid, you freak the fuck out for no apparent reason, you eat a box of pancake mix, you start singing Ke$ha, you become irritable and depressed, you pretend to be a veloci-raptor from Jurassic Park and leap around in kitchens chasing small children on into bread cupboards.

This is how your profs
view Christmas.
No sissy mistletoe for
these motherfuckers.

You do not want that fate.


But, everything is still trying to kill you.  Your professors want nothing more than to see you spontaneously combust during their final; they get a Christmas bonus for every student after the 3rd to combust with another bonus if they catch a nearby student on fire as well.  To them, you not catching fire is ruining Christmas, so that makes them pyromanic bastards and should not be trusted unless they're impersonating Elvis.



Even your food is trying to kill you.

Most trustworthy burger a man could ever hope for.

Yes, even that well-done slab of dead cow nestled neatly between those plump processed wheat grain buns coated in MSG laden artificial tomato product, even that is actively trying to kill you.  And how?  Well, not on it's own, on it's own it wants nothing more than to nurture you into a nice, comfortable adulthood complete with the Apple-Pie edition Genuine American Dream.  However.... there are terrorist plots at work here.  IN YOUR OWN LIVER.  Yes, stress hormones are turning that innocent, benign cow slab against you; they're corrupting it, teaching it the dark magics long ago forbade by Dumbledor and the council of wise elders with the approval of the Power Rangers Review Board.  That benign, peacful slab of dead cow is now actively seeking to turn itself from good, nourishing protein, into deadly Elven Death Fat of the Defiler +2: Bonus to Unclogged Arteries.  Fucking dark elvish liver terrorist.  That cow slab was INNOCENT!!!

You will miss them more than you
can possibly imagine.
Just like the Deathstar.

Now, there is, of course, more stuff trying to kill you, but, i've lingered here too long, if I stay they'll find me.  I've helped you all that I can.  BEWARE THE VELOCIRAPTOR BEARS.  They will find you, in your dreams, and steal all your fantasies, and feed them to their young, then eat your socks.  ALL OF YOUR SOCKS.


Oh, and toasters, fuck toasters, they're always trying to kill you, finicky little slot-loaded bastards.  They eat not just all of your toast, but all of your electrics too... electric bastard mongrels... and then, and then, the arrogant sons-of-bitches, they feed your toast back to you after they've eaten and burned it, like some sick, twisted cyborg bird tethered to the electric line regurgitating food back to it's young.  And you thought you were in command, all because of the turny-buttins, but it lied to you; that son of a bitch cyborg bird toaster lied to you, and you believed it, all of those years... you'll listen the next time the dishwasher tries to warn you now, won't you?

...Won't you?    

Cheerful looking son-of-a-bitch, innit?

Webcomics and You (and Muffins)

Let's talk about webcomics. They've been present now for over 20 years, and there are quite a few out there now (and by a few, I mean thousands). As hopefully you are aware (and if you're not I'm not sure how you found this blog), there is quite a bit of crap floating in the big toilet that is the internet. Meaning, you're about as likely to find a good webcomic in the sea of bad ones as you are half a square mile of clean water in the Gulf of Mexico. Finding a good webcomic isn't the first step though, first you have to find out if you'll find entertainment in webcomics at all.

Ask yourself this question: Do you like to read? If the answer is anywhere north of "kinda", then, long story short, you will find entertainment out of webcomics. Moving on.

How then can you find a webcomic you will enjoy? Each person has their own personality (sometimes regretably, as this allows for things like communism and reality television to exist), but this means everyone will be looking for something different in their ideal webcomic. The good news is that there's a webcomic out there that caters to almost anything, the hard part is finding them.

So, where would you start looking? There are several "Top 10" lists available online, but remember that the people who rate webcomics are rating those they find enjoyable. Their number one may not even make your "Top 100." In my experience, the best way to begin is to ask your friends if they follow any webcomics. This generally results in you finding at least one comic you'll learn to love, as your friends interests are usually in line with your own (unless you're entirely shallow and superficial, one of those idiots with about 2,000 Facebook friends who enjoys getting plastered while watching your "STD's I've Aquired" list you keep by the toilet increase by a factor of three every Friday night).

If your friends don't follow any webcomics then your next step is probably Google. Search the words "webcomic" along with an interest you have or thing you're looking for in the comic. This can be an annoying and frustrating process, as previously stated the internet is a land fill the size of Canada. If you're not finding anything that interests you directly through search engines, pay attention to the adds on the sites of the webcomics you do come across. Many of them are adds for other comics that may end up interesting you.

Let's say you find a webcomic you believe interests you. Most likely you won't understand the current story arc or know any of the characters, so my best advice is to start at the beginning. Usually you'll take a hit in the art department doing this, but it's essential for getting to know the comic. If all goes well you'll do what any respectable webcomic reader will do, get hooked. By the time you catch up to the current comic you'll be enthusiastically checking on the update days for the next installment.

Now, I wouldn't take you through all that reading of mostly pictureless words unless I was going to provide you with some of my favorite webcomics (if you start following one, you'll most likely pick up more as time goes on):

Questionable Content

Questionable Content (QC) is one of the most popular comics on the web right now and also one of my personal favorites. Just under 2,000 strips strong, I've been following it since around 400 (so catching up is a little harder now, but completely worth it). The comic focuses around a group of young adults who love Indie rock and most geek culture. There is a good amount of drama between the characters, but it gets nicely balanced out by good humor and nonsense.

Bug Comic

Bug is the youngest of the comics I've been following, so it might be a good place for you "fresh out of the oven" muffins to get your start. Each strip is generally focused on its own seperate topic or joke, but they're refreshing and make me laugh almost every time. I highly recommend checking it out.

Least I Could Do

LICD has been going for awhile, so it'll take a bit to catch up. The basis is on the wild antics of the main character Rayne, but a host of interesting and funny support characters keep the comic going. LICD is also the most frequently updating comic I follow, with a new strip every day of the week.

Xkcd

Similar to Bug, but older and with a much larger fanbase, Xkcd is a comic for geeks about geek culture, science, and love on rare occaisions. The humor is usually pretty advanced, but if you get it it's the funniest thing you'll read all day.

Penny Arcade Considered the pioneer of the webcomic "industry", Penny Arcade is one of thousands of gaming-focused webcomics. The jokes are almost always focused on gaming culture so it is the place to start for all you game-aholics out there.

Other comics I enjoy include:

Ctrl+Alt+Del (gaming)

Dr. McNinja (ninjas, 'nuff said)

Looking For Group (from the LICD creator, gorgeous visuals in a unique fantasy universe)

Manly Guys Doing Manly Things (the title speaks for itself)

If you have access to the interweb, I highly endorse the idea of checking out the world of webcomics. Otherwise enjoy your boring Facebook life you useless mass of pubescent gunk.

>EpicError

Standing Like a Muffin

Ok, so, I was pondering humanity again.  And I was doing said pondering while walking, and, while walking an interesting phenomenon occurred.  This phenomenon is one that, I can scarcely call a 'phenomenon' in that it happens all the fucking time, but, what occurred was that the person who was walking in front of me just stopped.  Stopped.  In the middle of the fucking sidewalk, the middle of the crowded sidewalk, the sidewalk that other people, namely ME, were trying to, lets see here, WALK ON, and they were STANDING in the middle of it, completely oblivious to the idea, the concept, the very possibility that there may be other people in existence that may, possibly, want to use that same sidewalk as them, and, again, what were they doing?  Standing there, having a motherfucking conversation.

Yes, I've finally found the problem with humanity, the reason we don't have flying cars and robot espresso machines, the reason the future hasn't come yet.
Them.
The time-space continuum doesn't even like them.
They are the problem.

This is what you're looking for.
I'm not sure how it's gonna work, but that's between you and the car
I don't want to know.  

And, if by some unfortunate circumstance, you find that you are the problem then there are two things you can do about that.  The first is to go fucking play in traffic, and don't take the word fucking as an adjective either, it's a verb, and that's how you get to remove yourself from the gene pool, by engine fucking a passing '86 mustang being driven by Sir DoucheCunt McFagBags at 88 mph with Oprah riding shotgun.  The second option, is that you simply don't stop in the middle of the damn walkway to have a conversation while everyone else has somewhere to be, somewhere where they contribute to society and progress humanity farther from the dark ages where dumb-asses like you would still have us standing complacently in the middle of sidewalks wasting civilization away while the barbarians sack Rome and Skynet nukes the shit out of Australia and your dog.

Oh.  And guess what.  I can back my vindictive, righteous anger up with SCIENCE.  Yeah, that shit that you failed in hight school and the reason you're working at Burger King, it's coming back to bite you in the ass.  Because YOU are what your body would consider to be a HEART ATTACK.  YOU are what causes ischemic strokes.  YOU cause necrosis.  And how does this connection make one iota of sense?  Guess what causes all those death-type illnesses (death types have a bonus against healthy living abilities, but are weak against anti-coagulant type medications).  Blood clots, but not just a blood clot, a blood clot that was circulating through the blood stream, all nice and normal like, but the it stopped in the middle of an important artery and RUINED EVERYTHING JUST LIKE YOU.  And not the 'ruined everything' that your parents told you  because you were a drunken accident they couldn't put up for adoption.  You are the social analog of a heart attack and a stroke- you are everything that's wrong with society and your degree of ignorance about other people will be what brings about the end of civilization as we know it, so, when we're being raped in the ass by motherfucking alien pterodactyl sex monsters with tentacles I'll blame you.     

YOUR FAULT.
You dumb walking fail cunt.
Go fuck a toaster.
And make sure it's plugged in.
And set to "Hellfire"

Oh, and seeing as it is now the Holiday Season, if you do that 'stopping thing' in a crowded mall...
They'll cancel Christmas, and all of the sad orphans in the world will blame you.
And Santa will send you and all your relatives uncaged Ebola Monkeys on Christmas morning.
Ebola Monkeys.

Merry Christmas.

Enjoy Dissolving.