Filler Muffins

THAT MUFFIN'S FOR YOU!!!
Oh, wait, no it's not.  It's in the computer, you shouldn't have fallen for that.
Now you're disappointed AND you don't have a muffin
AND you feel like an Idiot...  and yet you keep coming back.
You just enjoy disappointment, don't you.  

Ok, this should be updated more often, but it's not; you should get used to that, unless you enjoy having disappointment as an integral part of your life experience.  Good, now that you're over that; this post is pure filler, there's nothing here, it's an 'update', but it's not, it's a post so we can say the site has activity, and that we're not ALL lazy bastards, see, I'm not, it's just everyone else.  So, yeah, you've wasted your time reading this; enjoy that.  But, you'll keep reading these, because one day, someone will post a real article here, and then your life will have meaning, or, at least the time you spent reading this gibberish will be somewhat validated.  Other than that, I have nothing to say; I was just pointing out that we're here, we apparently have control over your thoughts and actions as evidenced by the fact that you just read this nonsense, and that one day we might stop wasting your time, or, more precisely, someone else that writes for this site will stop wasting your time- I have no intention of stopping.  But hey, at least I put an aweosme picture at the bottom of the page!!
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Or, wait, no I didn't.

See, more disappointment; what'd I tell you.

You're just bad at this game.

Go home, try something else, maybe knitting, that might be more your speed as you're obviously not meant to be on the internet.

Oh Muffins

Ok, I know it's been a while, but we all have lives outside of the interwebs. Hard to believe, I know, but we do.

However, I have returned to bring you news of a magnificent band that is on its way up. Oh Constantine is a four piece metalcore outfit from Harleysville, PA. These boys have a lot of talent, and even more passion for what they do. As evidenced by a recent show I was fortunate enough to attend, Oh Constantine is a devoutly Christian band who truly want to use their music to spread love and hope.

Into The Beginning is the second EP from these Pennsylvanian boys, and it shows a spectacular amount of growth. It kicks off with an intro track that slowly builds force with guitars (Kevin Saurman and Mike Cabbibo) and drums (Brandon Wesley) giving way to some absolutely brutal vocals by Geordie Ditter. The next song, entitled "Release The Lions" launches in with a technical little guitar riff before Ditter's vocals come crashing back in. "Alliance" follows suit with absolutely amazing melodic guitar work to complement the sheer force of the vocals and drums. "Raised By Another" showcases the guitar and drum work with technical and polished introduction that lead perfectly into the rest of the song. The technicality doesn't stop there, though, as Saurman and Cabbibo unleash a two part guitar attack that will leave you floored. The EP closes with "The Shape Of Things To Come", which starts of with an ambient, yet heavy instrumental piece. As the song progresses, there is a masterful juxtaposition of clean and distorted guitar parts working as a background for Ditter's absolutely brutal vocal style.

Overall, I was incredibly impressed with Into The Beginning. Oh Constantine is just getting started, and they already have put out a work with more talent and heart than the majority of other bands out there. Here's hoping they stick with it and keep the incredible music and message coming!

>Pawn

iTouch Muffins

Ok, so I just saw the new iPod nano (a month ago, when I actually started writing this: yes, I'm a lazy bastard), and feel compelled to review it, even though I don't own it, haven't actually seen it in person, touched it, used it, talked with it, took it out to dinner, or looked into it beyond a few pictures and paragraphs of Apple propaganda and a 20 second commercial.

Like you've never lost a watch before, oh, you haven't?
Then, you're a lying hipster douche.

But that doesn't matter.  And why, you ask?

Because it's a fucking 1.5 inch touch screen.  Am I the only sane person that thinks that's batshit retarded?  I mean, sure, it looks nifty, but that's basically all apple does anymore, so who the fuck cares?  But, nifty and sexy though that little gadget may be; that's one tiny ass touchscreen, one which will be obscured by your thumb most of the time.  What that means, is that it'll be a finicky bitch to use.  You don't touch it just right, and it won't do what you want, it'll get angry with you, it'll bitch and complain that you're not doing it right, skipping all your favorite songs; sure, you might be able to hit the fast forward button, but you still don't have a fucking clue how to make it louder.  And since it's tiny, like, the circus midget of mp3 players tiny, that means you'll probably lose it, and then it'll feel neglected, and you'll feel silly, because you'll be the only one out of all your friends that can't find your tiny finicky touch screen when all the other cool kids are playing with their music players and having a fun time with their normal ass buttons, then you'll feel left out, and it'll go back to bitching at you, and you'll feel bad, and you'll try to make up for it by paying more attention; but you're still not good at using the fucking touch screen right, and you'll somehow get it stuck on fast forward and all your favorite songs that it plays will be reduced to 30 second sound clips: clips that you still can't make louder than a whisper.  And all your friends will laugh at you, because they can make their music players do whatever they want without a fuss while you're stuck finicking with your bitchy touchscreen- still without music, and feeling stupid.  So you'll put it away for a while, and you'll try an iPod touch, the bigger screen will surely be less finicky, and you'll try to get better; but when you go back to your little circus midget you'll just get flustered, and all the bad memories will come back to you, and you'll get frustrated and be completely unable to make any music come out of the touch screen whatsoever.  

That, and they're like legos that you can touch inappropriately.
Who thought that was a good idea?  Didn't Michael Jackson
ruin enough childhoods?  

Oh, and it'll clip onto your shirt; like anyone gives half a flying shit about that.  Or, you could wear it like a watch, but then you're just admitting defeat, and you'll be mocked even more by your friends because you bought a $150 watch that you have to charge daily and won't do anything that you want it to do because you're completely inept.

OR, maybe it's a great product and you're just fucking pants-on-head-retarded and should probably spend your time out meeting girls and having a social life instead of letting me verbally abuse you, but if this iPod is giving you problems, I think I'll say just go out and meet girls.

And if this iPod review in any way resembles your life, like, for reals, then you deserve it, and I don't feel sorry for you.  

Rock & Muffins Ain't Dead

What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is some gold ol' fashioned, down home southern goodness. Embracing Goodbye has crafted a pure southern metal album. This North Carolina five-piece has come to give you a taste of the south, and make sure you never forget it.

Rock & Roll Ain't Dead is the debut full length from Embracing Goodbye, and was released through Driven Music Group earlier this year. Somehow, I managed to miss out on these guys until about two weeks ago when I mistakenly stumbled upon them. I am so glad I did.

Southern metal, for those who don't know, is a style of music that combines metal (usually a post-hardcore or thrash style) with a swing beat. To put it simply, it gives you heavy music that you just want to get up and move to. Oh, and it's got 13 tracks with a runtime of just shy of an hour. Yeah, they didn't short-change you.

No intro track could convey the way EG operates, so they decided to get right to the punch with "And the Horse You Rode In On". It's got a swinging, thrashing guitar opener with drums to match. Then we get Paul Huffman's dirty, gritty vocals. I don't know if a man has ever been more suited to a job than Paul, because his style is the essence of southern metal. With a wonderful ability to switch from clean, albeit gritty, to guttural growls, he gives weight to the lyrics that demands a listen. "Hm Is A Drt" is the next standout, with a wicked little southern riff to kick it off and the rest of the band follows suit. "The Reckoning of John Law" gives us a different angle of this style, with clean vocals and screams working together to provide an anthem that will get you up out of your seat.

Now, what good southern boy could possibly forget his mama? Not these ones, that for sure. "Mama" is a rip-roaring good time with breakdowns galore. My personal favorite, "Twelve Gauge Vices" hits like a shotgun blast to the chest. Embracing Goodbye pulls all the punches on this one, throwing breakdowns, hooks, and growls in everywhere. They close the album with "There's a Click Before the Strike", which is a two-stage attack in the form of a hidden track. Part one is the thrashingly good time we've grown to love. Part two starts off as what can only be described as a ballad (and there are few things in life better than a southern ballad) and builds into a heavy finisher.

Southern metal is an extremely underrated and underappreciated genre of music. It combines the energy of swing with the passion of metal, and I would love to see more of it. Embracing Goodbye has put together an album that rivals the works of southern metal greats like Maylene and the Sons of Disaster and The Showdown. In a genre that is only beginning to build its foundation, the boys of EG have laid down something that I truly hope stands the test of time. Definitely give these guys a spin, because they definitely proved that rock and roll is alive and kicking.

>Pawn