Pokemuffins: Part I

IT BEGINS.

So because I live under a fucking rock and never played a Pokemon game, I started a file in Fire Red on an emulator.

As far as I can tell this is a game about animal trafficking. I run around like a jackass and throw animals at other animals and make them "level up" (which I can only assume is a cleverly disguised reference at injecting them with anabolic steroids).

To counter this, I have developed a complex equation for naming my Pokemon:

Utter fucking nonsense.

My Libertarian Charmeleon has succeeded in besting some dude named Brock, who was some kind of caucus representative or something. Hell if I know. I got a badge, because obviously my animals whaling on his animals and emerging victorious demonstrates some kind of great character on my part (see fig. A).

Fig. A - Michael Vick. What a funny guy I am.

Also, some guy wanted to preach the Good News of shorts to me, and he provided me with some helpful literature.

What the fuck. Does that even fucking mean. Are regular fucking pants too challenging?

DAMN IT GREG, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS SHIT.

So now I have to go to Mount Moon to find some space rocks or some crap. I don't know. I named my rival "Douche", so hopefully that will provide me with three nanoseconds of laughter next time he bumbles around screaming about his damn Pokedex and making grandpa proud or whatever.

Also to keep this fun, whatever names get posted in the comments will get used as soon as I kidnap more defenseless animals for my murder mill. SO THINK UP SOME GOOD ONES. Anwar Sadat is next up.