Muffins You Can't Have

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Poison Muffin

Okay, so let's say you're walking through the woodlands of Britain, lost after your plane full of stolen Mexican cocaine and crazy straws crashed. It's about day three, you're out of crack, and you've had to leave your partner behind as bait to satisfy and escape the pack of bloodthirsty wolves (which you could've sworn were doing river stomp and drinking out of a keg) that were stalking you; and you're hungry. So as you drag your sorry butt through the brush you see some juicy looking black berries; you grab one, eat it, and decide it's awesome and you want more. So you keep stuffing your face. After about twenty berries or so, you realize things have gotten brighter and you must be tripping balls. As you enjoy the pretty lights as a mild distraction from the huge withdrawal you're in from all the gutter glitter, suddenly your vision blurs and your throat starts burning. Eventually your pitiful mass begins to convulse and your heart races until it stops; and just before the blackness completely takes over, you realize that even after all the drug running, all the cartels and border-patrol, you were taken out by a plant.

That plant is the atropa belladonna, also known as the deadly nightshade. This is the most lethal green thing that grows out of the soil in the western hemisphere. Every part of this malicious five-foot-tall killer is deadly. Seriously. Two to three of those luscious, sweet-tasting berries are enough to take out a small child; while ten to twenty will take out a full blown ponce. And if you happen to be enough of an idiot to actually eat any other part of the plant, such as the leaves, well, it only takes a bite of one of those bad boys to send you to that short-bus in the sky.

This freakishly normal looking doom bringer can dilate your pupils, blur your vision, make your heart race, cause a loss of balance, slur your speech, create hallucinations, make you convulse, and remove your ability to take a potty break (full urinary retention and constipation...I shudder just thinking about that one). The fun stuff is that all of that is survivable. How this badass plant kills is by taking your nervous system and saying, "Hey, guess what? No more breathing or heart rate control for you! Bwahahahahaha!" Yeah, it either gives you a heart attack or suffocates you.

Perhaps it's fitting then that atropa belladonna means "do not betray a beautiful lady."

> EpicError


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