Walking Like a Muffin

So, I was pondering humanity today, and I was wondering what happens to some people. I mean, some people just end up HUGE, and UGLY. I'm not talking slightly overweight-could-stand-to-at-least-look-at-a-treadmill huge, i mean, they can't fit their fat asses through fucking doors, DOORS, the things DESIGNED to fit people through them, and they BROKE them, these people can break doors by simply failing spectacularly at existing. And there's more! These people are not only HUGE, they're SLOOOOOOOW.

I mean, getting big, ok, there are a few, FEW, medically legit reasons for that, but just being slow? How can you stand to live your life at that speed? Seriously, when you die and look back at your life you'd realize that the reason you never graduated college, got married, had kids, or did anything that resembled having a fulfilling life at all is because it took you five thousand years to walk down a motherfucking hallway!!! And you can only wish that I was using the term 'motherfucking' figuratively. In the time it took you to walk down that single hallway it figured out how to become a sentient lifeform, evolve, grow genitals, and fuck your mother.

Congratulations, you have failed so spectacularly that you actually gave an inanimate object life and a will to violate your mother. So, the next time you're spending your entire week of vacation walking to the kitchen to eat a deep-fried ball of fat with an orphan filled centre, maybe you should pause, yes, pause, and take a second to reconsider your life, and realize, that maybe, just maybe, you should put one foot in FRONT of the other and speed your life up a bit, you might just find out that there's more to life than deep fried orphans, and there are better things out there to do than to spend your entire fucking life walking down a hallway, and being huge, and getting in the way of other people that want to live their life at a normal speed. SO, stop being slow, do something, speed your life up, stop being huge and in the way, do something about it; if you want me to do it for you, i'll charge your family by the hour to dig the huge ass hole I'll have to dig to bury you in. But at least I'll make a fortune off your family's mourning.

angrily, vindictively, and righteously,

>Popevader