Turny Muffins

So, once there was this game called Homeworld; it was a great game: even won game of the year, in like 1998 or something. It was the first truly 3D RTS game out there, and remains one of the few to this day. It's gameplay was innovative (due to the full 3D), it was well balanced, it had an amazing story, and the multiplayer was fun. This is the game that Blendo Games appears to be attempting to channel with their somewhat retro-8-bit inspired turn-based-strategy game Flotilla.

First off, Flotilla is not Homeworld; however, what it does seem to do, or at least try to do, is to bring some of the Homeworld gameplay into a more, I'll say 'manageable' format. The turnbased combat makes the game slower, much slower, and therefore more accessible in my opinion. This is not a bad thing, but Homeworld wasn't a fast paced game to start with, but the pace of the game is one of my main complaints, it feels like a chessmatch in space: a chessmatch between two 80 year old narcaleptics with korsakoff's syndrome.

Now, a chessmatch in space doesn't sound like an inherently bad thing. But, when there are only a few pieces that don't fit together into a coherent whole, it ends up feeling more like trying to play chess with a game of monopoly. There are 8 different types of ships to command in the game, each different, but not particularly unique, and the gameplay doesn't change drastically with any of them. The 'true 3D' strategy is, in fact, fully 3D; however, it doesn't change gameplay enough to be interesting. The strategy for the 3D combat is the same with every ship: get under/behind the enemy. I'm not going to call it poorly balanced, but I will say that ship roles are poorly delineated and the 3D combat is poorly capitalized upon; and this tends to result in almost every battle playing out in almost the same manner.

Repetitive and boring combat aside, the game is not all about the turn based combat; it's about adventure. The premise is that you have a crippling disease and set out to have space adventures until either the disease takes you, or the space penguins whose family reunion you inadvertently interrupted send you adrift with the space garbage and uneaten tacos. This is a promising premise, however, the game doesn't give you a particularly long time to adventure, so it usually ends up feeling like a rather abrupt ending which lacks any game finishing satisfaction. The events on the way to the abrupt ending somewhat make up for it though, there are some truly random and quirky things out there to find/encounter which lends a somewhat charming atmosphere to the game. This is mitigated by the constancy of these encounters, in my view, this quirkiness is only really appealing with a normal baseline to compare it with; which the game lacks, there's always something new and random awaiting, which, in it's own odd way, becomes repetitive. This may be due to the relatively poor and uninteresting quality of the writing that goes into these events, and the complete and total lack of any voice acting or dialog to actually draw you into the game. An interuped space penguin family reunion that ends in a space battle sounds like a great springboard for some really interesting, witty, and hilarious writing. This is not the case, rarely do these events go beyond a few sentences simply stating that something happened in the most uninteresting way possible; maybe the developers thought the player could use their imagination, i don't know, I thought I was paying for a creative work, prefilled with someone else's imagination, I wasn't expecting a BYOB affair with my imaginative juices.

Also with the adventure, you're meant to build/lose your fleet, sorry, 'flotilla', as you 'adventure'. Homeworld did a persistent fleet system in a somewhat similar manner, and it worked very well, it also works very well here, each new ship you find is new and exciting, and each ship you lose is a devastating loss. Also, going beyond Homeworld, the ships persist and gain experience as you win battles, which is a nice touch. That, along with the equipment/upgrades for ships that you can acquire, add a level of customization and tinkering to an otherwise bland ship selection and combat formula. But again, like most else in this game, it feels poorly capitalized upon; the upgrades are rarely interesting beyond simply boosting a certain stat.

Additionally, what can be viewed as both a positive and a negative choice, is that there's no money in the game; you can trade, and you can find/pillage stuff, but you can't buy stuff. This simplifies the game, and adds a somewhat old west feel to the game. You never know what's going to be waiting at the next planet, which adds randomness and makes you work with what you have, but it also removes the trademark preparation phase of the turnbased strategy genre (or strategy genre in general), and turns the strategy into a bit of a crapshoot. You get no choice of ships or equipment before a fight, no choice of formation, and no other options at all; not that it would matter, there's not enough raw game material here for meaningful preparations anyway. And when you have a strategy game where preparation, unit choice, and equipment choice mean almost nothing, then the title of 'strategy game' gets called into question, like Justin Beiber's gender.

So, what we have here is a turnbased strategy game, in 'full 3D'- which for all appearances aimed to be the turnbased successor to Homeworld- that has bland combat, shallow strategy, a remarkably uninteresting adventure aspect in spite of all the potential, and... well, retro graphics if you're into that sort of thing, they don't add to or take from the gameplay, so I can take them or leave them; it's a matter of personal taste. This game is not a worthy sucessor to Homeworld, they may look similar, and sound like they have a similar gameplay mechanic, but that's like saying a pitbull has four legs and eats food, just like a koala. I really wanted to like this game, and, really, it's not bad; I paid $2.50 for it on Steam, I'd say it's worth that, or twice that even, you'll get some amusement out of it if you want a quick, easy turnbased strategy game, but don't expect greatness like Homeworld, or Advance Wars, or even checkers. The idea and inspiration for a great game is here; but it's like if you conjured up a plan to end world hunger, or the BP oil spill, only you're a sentient toaster- all the good intentions and great ideas can't change the fact that you're a useless toaster that burns toast, is a hazzard to children, and can burn down the house and kill the family that gives you purpose in life.

Torchmuffin

Torchlight is a game that literally defines the Dungeon Crawling Genre. Seriously, that is all you do in this game, aside from the clusterfuck of killing on each floor to get to the next one.

 The game starts off with character selection, giving you the choice to be either the brute force Warrior, the long range specialist Rogue, or the magical, but not very athletic, Alchemist. I personally chose the Alchemist, because he's the one that allows you to break the game later on. No joke, he'll break the game for you.

Along with the character selection, they ask you to chose whether you want a dog or a cat as your pet/familiar, though the dog is really a wolf and the cat looks like a bobcat or a lynx. You give them a name and name yourself as well, then you get thrown into the town of Torchlight.

 You meet the merchants and chat it up with the townsfolk that never move, never talk unless talked to, and always say basically the same thing. You can accept a few quests before beginning, and then you get to actually get to the dungeon. It's the same dungeon throughout the entire game, somehow (except for when you go through some crazy portal for a side quest), and you simply go into lower and lower floors as you progress.

 Taking out the factor of the wonderfully large amount of items you get from each floor, the task of earning money to buy items isn't as hard as you would think. When you do add in the mind-blowingly huge number of items you don't need that you do get in the dungeons, money turns into something that is no longer a necessity, but merely a trifle that kinda limps its way along beside you.

Speaking of "beside you", that brings me to your near-ever-present companion, your pet. Your pet is one of the greatest allies you don't have to summon in the game, because for most of your adventure, it's your only ally that you don't have to summon in the game. Not that it does amazing help in battle, or will find all the best treasure for you, but it does have an extra full inventory and can take items to the shop for you while you continue to roam around underground (somehow avoiding all the monsters that respawn whenever you leave a floor). This bugged me a little, seeing as how the merchants in town don't seem to speak animal, so how would they know what the beast is trying to say to sell the items to them, unless your character sets a type of pact up with them before hand, which seems a bit unlikely seeing as how he never talks. Everyone who speaks to you just seems to understand the unblinking stare of your character as well as any respectable (coughcough) character in the Legend of Zelda understands Link.

All in all, I found that this game was totally worth the money that I paid to get it. It's available on Steam, and I'd recommend buying it. Though repetitive, it is thoroughly entertaining to play and can whittle down the hours of your free time like most games can.

>Ryft

FACEMUFFINS!

That's right, kiddies. We're on Facebook now. Go check us out. Like us, for without us to guide you, you are doomed to forever roam the wasteland that is the capitalist market.

>Pawn

In Expectation of New Muffins!

Part 1 of 2!

In anticipation of what should be a spectacular week for music, I figured I'd give you fine folks three for the price of one! This Tuesday, we have a sophomore release from punk-rock outfit Children 18:3, a third effort from metal maestros Parkway Drive, and a whopping fifth full-length from Solid State Records veterans Haste the Day. So, I'm going to give you guys a little look back on the last releases from each of these bands!

___________________________________

First up, we have Children 18:3, a Christian punk band hailing from Minnesota and their self-titled album. Comprised of three siblings (the Hostetters: David on lead vocals and guitar, LeeMarie on backing vocals and bass, and Seth on drums), these guys, and girl, know how to rock. With catchy choruses, energetic verses, and a passion for what they do, they really deliver a strong punk album on their Tooth & Nail records debut.

Musically, it's exactly what you'd expect from a punk album. The guitars are fast, but not terribly technical. The bass has a seat in the forefront of the mix, which I absolutely love. As much as I love metal, I do miss the bass in most mixes on metal albums. The drums drive this enjoyable album. The part that probably catches me the most every time is how talented David and LeeMarie are as vocalists. They have wonderful voices and harmonize beautifully.

The standout tracks have to be the opening track "All My Balloons" and "Mock the Music". "All My Balloons" is a fast paced, heavy-hitting punk anthem that'll have you moving in no time. The latter song, "Mock the Music" is a thought-provoking ditty about stereotypes: "It's alright, it's a stereotype / And I don't mind if you use it / It's alright, you can say what you like / Just don't mock the music". All in all, this is a good listen, and a fun release. (On a personal note, I've had the opportunity to meet the band on several occasions, and not only are they talented musicians and songwriters, but they are very friendly and easy to approach individuals.)

____________________________________________________________________

Next up, we have the boys from Australia who know brutal music, and know it well. "Horizons" is the second full-length release from Parkway Drive, and you had better be prepared for some serious metal when you pick up this one. This five-piece (consisting of Winston McCall on vocals, Jeff Ling and Luke Kilpatrick on guitars, Ben Gordon on drums, and Jia O'Connor on bass) left fans hungry for more after their first album "Killing With a Smile", and they more than delivered.

After the instrumental intro track, we are bombarded by blast beats and wicked guitar work on the first track "The Sirens' Song", and they don't let up until over halfway through the album. It's just song after pummeling song, each with it's own sound. They truly achieved what many bands search for on this album, and that's the ability to write a coherent piece that doesn't turn into a series of forgetful songs.

McCall's screams and growls will echo in your head, as the twin guitar onslaught of Ling and Kilpatrick will cement itself in your psyche as a standard for metal from here on out. Another facet of this album I was truly impressed with was the presence of the bass guitar. As I mentioned earlier, I do tend to miss the bass in most metal mixes, but Parkway Drive enlisted the help of Adam D., and his masterful touch is clearly evident.

My favorite tracks on the album have to be "Boneyards" and "Idols and Anchors". These two songs truly showcase what this Australian quintet is capable of.

____________________________________________________________________

Finally, we have Haste the Day. Originating in Indiana, these Christian metalcore veterans have been on the scene for almost a decade and, despite the lineup changes over the years, have consistently put out solid releases. The crew on their fourth studio album "Dreamer" had Stephen Keech as lead vocalist, Michael Murphey on bass, Jason Barnes and Brennan Chaulk on guitars, and Devin Chaulk on drums.

Opening up with "68" was, without a doubt, one of the most brilliant musical moves in the band's history. This song is a shining example of what Haste the Day does best: wicked guitars, crushing drums, and both guttural growls and soaring clean vocals. And just to reinforce that fact, the follow it up with "Mad Men" and "Haunting".

Now, this album is nothing groundbreaking. However, that is NOT a reason to just let it slip under your radar. It has a similar formula to what you've seen before: screamed verses, sung choruses, and breakdowns sprinkled throughout for your enjoyment. But Haste the Day does this almost flawlessly. If you like metalcore, you will love this album - I know I do.

____________________________________________________________________

So, there you have it. Three albums for you to check out before this coming Tuesday, June 29th, when Children 18:3's "Rain's A Comin'", Parkway Drive's "Deep Blue", and Haste the Day's "Attack Of The Wolf King" all hit stores. Check back next week for part 2, where I'll review the new releases!

>Pawn

Walking Like a Muffin

So, I was pondering humanity today, and I was wondering what happens to some people. I mean, some people just end up HUGE, and UGLY. I'm not talking slightly overweight-could-stand-to-at-least-look-at-a-treadmill huge, i mean, they can't fit their fat asses through fucking doors, DOORS, the things DESIGNED to fit people through them, and they BROKE them, these people can break doors by simply failing spectacularly at existing. And there's more! These people are not only HUGE, they're SLOOOOOOOW.

I mean, getting big, ok, there are a few, FEW, medically legit reasons for that, but just being slow? How can you stand to live your life at that speed? Seriously, when you die and look back at your life you'd realize that the reason you never graduated college, got married, had kids, or did anything that resembled having a fulfilling life at all is because it took you five thousand years to walk down a motherfucking hallway!!! And you can only wish that I was using the term 'motherfucking' figuratively. In the time it took you to walk down that single hallway it figured out how to become a sentient lifeform, evolve, grow genitals, and fuck your mother.

Congratulations, you have failed so spectacularly that you actually gave an inanimate object life and a will to violate your mother. So, the next time you're spending your entire week of vacation walking to the kitchen to eat a deep-fried ball of fat with an orphan filled centre, maybe you should pause, yes, pause, and take a second to reconsider your life, and realize, that maybe, just maybe, you should put one foot in FRONT of the other and speed your life up a bit, you might just find out that there's more to life than deep fried orphans, and there are better things out there to do than to spend your entire fucking life walking down a hallway, and being huge, and getting in the way of other people that want to live their life at a normal speed. SO, stop being slow, do something, speed your life up, stop being huge and in the way, do something about it; if you want me to do it for you, i'll charge your family by the hour to dig the huge ass hole I'll have to dig to bury you in. But at least I'll make a fortune off your family's mourning.

angrily, vindictively, and righteously,

>Popevader

The Sound of Muffin

Soundtracks. As far as my music endeavors go, I probably frequent them most often. But why is this? Well, if you keep reading, I'll tell you.

I began listening to soundtracks when I realized I seem incapable of reading while another human being is making language with their complain-holes...musical or otherwise. This quickly frustrated me, as reading (especially textbooks...oh, how I want to burn each of their pages slowly, savoring each word blackening into carbon residue) is boring...really boring. This is when I invested in the Iron Man movie soundtrack. Admittedly I found this particular track didn't quite fit the reading style, feeling more like a rock album than anything else, but it was a step in the right direction and enough to get me hooked on lyric-less music.

Before I continue I'd like to make a quick note. If you're looking to get into soundtrack listening, be very careful to read the album details, especially in regard to the movie industry. You see, for most movies nowadays, you'll get two musical releases for both. One of these releases is called the soundtrack...the one you think you want. This is false. You do not want this. All the "soundtrack" is, is the songs used, or from bands used in, the movie itself...which usually suck. What you really want is the second of the two, the movie score. This contains the hopefully glorious bits of ear-caressing pressure waves you desire. Moving on.

As I delved a little deeper into the world of soundtracks, I also realized, like other genres of music, it contains it's own styles. That being said, the scores I will be talking about and recommending will be tailored to my own interests, but I highly suggest you explore the wonderful world of soundtracks by yourself...after, of course, checking out what I recommend.

My next big endeavor was Halo 3. Why Halo 3 you ask? Well, why Iron Man? The best way to come across a soundtrack you'll enjoy is through watching a movie or playing a video game and realizing, "Hey, I like the music in this movie/video game." What I discovered in Halo 3 was the style of soundtrack I enjoyed most. In summary, a choir, orchestra, and piano (don't know if pianos are standard orchestra equipment) can do some awesome crap. Now, like other music, not all the tracks in an album are a jewel-encrusted donut full of golden custard. There are going to be a few goat testicles in there. On the whole though, you find it nice to have the whole thing, especially when you have to read your next demonic physics assignment.

But once again, why soundtracks? For me, a good score can give generate that "THIS IS AWESOME!" feeling generally felt by most during an epic moment in a video game or movie at any time. And why is this? Because most of the best tracks come from those pivotal moments of back breaking testosterone, or tear-jerking emotion. Now that I've had some fun diving in the ocean of soundtracks, I've come across my share of tropical paradises and oil spills. The best part is, though, that most compilations contain at least one good piece capable of that epic feeling...even if it only lasts for a few seconds. If you are looking to get on the track to good sound, allow me to help you start off in the right direction:

NOTE: Before you listen to ANY of these, I highly advise ensuring you have a good speaker system or headphones, and pumping the volume to ridiculous...seriously. If not, it will still be epic, but may slightly lacking in awesomesauce.

From the aforementioned Halo 3 soundtrack: One Final Effort and Never Forget.

Mass Effect 2: The Normandy Reborn, Suicide Mission, and End Run.

The following two are from Hans Zimmer, one of the best movie soundtrack composers today:

Batman Begins: Molossus.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End: He's a Pirate.

A track from James Newton Howard (also a great composer), Treasure Planet: To The Spaceport.

And finally, regardless of my feelings about the movie itself, we have Arrival to Earth from the Transformers "Score."

Well, hopefully I've at least sparked an interest in some of you...for all the others, in no way do I apologize for wasting your time...and for those who are wondering why I didn't give a link to anything from John Williams or the Lord of the Rings soundtrack, well, you can stuff it.

> EpicError

Muffinwalking

I know what you're thinking. You're wondering when I'll review a new release. Well, here's your answer:

When I feel like it. Happy now? Good.

Here we have a spectacular specimen of sonic superiority (see what I did there with that alliteration?). "Sleepwalking" is the debut album from Dallas, TX metal act Memphis May Fire. And these boys did not disappoint.

The opening of the first track shows you exactly what to expect for this whole album. The guitars grab you by the ears and don't let go for the whole album. With influences ranging from blues to jazz to good ol' rock 'n roll to the heaviest of metal, the guitarists on this album (Ryan Bentley and Kellen McGregor) not only have talent, but showcase it brilliantly. They have a mastery that few in the industry can match. These two individuals truly give life to the music, and they most definitely lead you on a beautiful journey through this work of art.

Now, drummers and bassists tend to get gypped on the recognition end of things, but Jeremy Grisham on the beats and Austin Radford on the strings work perfectly with the absolutely crushingly amazing guitars. These guys know exactly how to flow with the music, and they do their job excellently.

I must bring the vocals into this review, because they truly compliment the style. Now, fans were a bit worried about this release, because the former vocalist stepped down during the recording process for this album. However, Matt Mullins not only lived up to expectations, he exceeded them. His clean vocals are hauntingly harmonious and his screams are wonderfully brutal. Matt's style wraps this album up neatly in a shiny metal bow.

The lyrics are also worth mentioning. There are challenges and proverbs in every song. "A Giant in a Giant's World" has Matt shouting "A wise man speaks when he has something to say / but fools just have to say something / A wise man speaks when he has something to say / just keep your mouth shut, just keep your mouth shut". His challenge is for us to be better and not just on the outside. Later, in "Quantity is Their Quality", he lashes out at this materialistic culture we've all become slaves to.

The standout track on this album, the title track, and my personal favorite, "Sleepwalking" is by far the best written and worth the most attention. They've pulled out all the stops and let every punch land on this song. Matt's vocal onslaught tears into two-facedness, hypocrisy, and the complete disregard for human decency: "And I have seen how all of this ends / Sleepwalking our way to contentment / I won't just let it be and let you smile through your teeth / You call yourself human / So say it straight to me". He issues the single greatest challenge, yet the simplest task, that we seem to have so much trouble with: being a decent human being, to stop sleepwalking through our lives.

All in all, this is one of my favorite albums. The songwriting is just so complete; the music, vocals, and lyrics support each other and build upon each other in a way few other albums have managed to. They don't care if they offend, they don't care if they put you off. The boys in Memphis May Fire know what they stand for, and aren't afraid to scream it from every stereo: "We're all searching for something so much greater than what we have / And these lies have nothing to offer us / A bigger meaning a better purpose / Please trust me this is worth it / You don't have to be the person you were yesterday".

>Pawn

You've Got a Friend in Muffin

Pixar, you are king. Even after an eleven year gap, you still manage to hit on everything that made Toy Story and Toy Story 2 excellent, as well as bring enough nostalgia back from the first two movies to make it not only a worthy third movie, but finish the series off fantastically.

Now, if you haven't seen Toy Story or Toy Story 2, you'll be missing out if you go to see the final installment. In fact, it shouldn't be legal to see this movie without seeing the other two.

The original Toy Story put Pixar on the map fifteen years ago. I remember seeing it in theaters, and like most, I was instantly mesmerized. Four years later, the next movie once again captured my imagination, at least for a little while.

Funnily enough, until I revisited them in my late teens what I really remember about Toy Story, was the Toy Story 2 video game for the Playstation. The game was brilliant, there was nothing my brother and I enjoyed more than getting to the top of that tree in the backyard level and seeing if we could hit the pool.

When I finally watched the movies again, I realized Pixar had done something much greater than a kids movie. They had created a duo of movies designed to bring the joy and emotion of every human being who saw them out from their soft, squishy centers. Pixar has since stuck with this formula, producing the funniest, most emotionally satisfying animated movies of all time.

Getting back to the third and final installment (there's no second guessing here, it's over, but Pixar's sending it out strapped to an explosive rocket full of comedy, tears, and childhood nostalgia), Toy Story 3 is a great movie for those who grew up with the series and newcomers alike. It's obvious those who were born and raised with Woody and Buzz are the target audience however. References are abundant and clever, and it's evident the movie wasn't intended to stand alone. Before you go see this movie (yes, yes you will) you definitely need to take the time to watch what made the newest movie possible (this isn't Shrek people). In fact, Toy Story 1 and 2 are both available on YouTube, so if you're able to read this you should have no excuse...unless you have dial-up, and to you, you poor soul, my sympathies.

As for the plot, the toy's owner Andy is leaving for college and the toys haven't been played with in years. They end up in a daycare center, which has been taken over by the most tragic villain of the series, and the movie molds into a perfect prison escape epic. As in the previous two movies, time is catching up to the toys, and they're faced with their own mortality; in this case experiencing a version of purgatory, hell, and heaven along the way. The balance of emotions is played flawlessly, the comedy, action and drama all building up to the most satisfying and rewarding end to a series of movies I've ever watched.

Way to go Pixar...and thank you, thank you for tortilla Potato Head.

> EpicError

Massive Muffins

If you have an Xbox 360, you've probably heard of Mass Effect. And if you haven't, you should keep reading. Now two games strong, and with a third and advertised final game on the way, it is, in my opinion, the best single player experience the 360 has to offer.

Mass Effect entered the world of gaming in 2007, shortly after the launch of Halo 3. Unfortunately I didn't get to pick it up until 3 months ago...so it's not exactly new news.

Mass Effect opens with the character creation business. This could have used some work. As interesting as it is, unless you choose the default Shepard, you will almost indefinitely end up looking like a space-pedophile. Luckily, my attempt at a character only resulted in giving him a parrot as a great-grandfather. You then get the joy of choosing between a few different classes, and your options are pretty much this: Weapons or abilities. You carry four weapons with you, the assault rifle, shotgun, sniper rifle, and pistol, no matter the class you choose. Turns out though, that Shepard likes to lug around stuff he doesn't need, because unless you choose to be a soldier, you are "untrained" on at least two of your guns. This made me sad at times, as I decided I liked killing people Carmine-style, and sniper rifles are not made for removing an enemy's lower half.

After you've completed your Shepard, you're off to save the galaxy. Literally the entire galaxy is riding on you. I won't spoil the story for those who actually don't know what I'm talking about, because it's the best thing about the game, but basically doom is coming, and no one else believes you. So you set off in your shiny ship, gather a bunch of bros and gals who believe you, and you go stop it.

The story telling method itself is what will make or break the game for a player, as it's what you do most often. It's told almost entirely through conversations you can control the flow of whenever the magic wheel pops up. Critical choices are made throughout the game in this mode, so you'll want to pay attention. There are pretty much two ways to approach every situation. You're either the good-natured, universe-loving hero (the "Paragon"), or the douche-bag, bad-ass (the "Renegade"). To choose the best convo options for either, you'll either want to dump points into charm or intimidate...which is annoying, as those points would be better served making things die faster. I generally stuck to being the "nice guy", but luckily you can still choose to be a dick when you feel like it.

Regardless of which path you follow, the main story pretty much plays out the same. There are enough "choices" (mainly of who dies or not and who you get to have as a "special friend") that the game is worth playing through twice, which apparently is encouraged, as there's an achievement for it.

The game itself plays as a third person shooter which feels a little lighter and more fluid than Gears of War. The only problem is, to get to the smoothness you need to first break through the concrete shell you're teeth are forcibly crushed down on at the start. The game tells you very little about how it is to be played, which, once you figure it out for yourself, is fantastic the second time through. At first though, you may have those moments of: "What just happened, and how the crap did I do it?" Once you get to the creamy center however, you only encounter the occasional piece of gravel.

As tasty as the combat system is, the inventory screen is one of those gravely-bits. You will come across many guns, armors, and upgrades as you screw around in the universe, but will quickly find only a very few of them actually do anything useful. You also eventually run out of pockets on your space-armor, so you either need to reduce stuff into jelly, or hopefully sell it at one of the few and far-between shops you come across.

The other teeth-breaking bit worth mentioning are the vehicle sections. While I found it fun rolling about a few acres on a planet in a tank with jump-jets, cutting through enemies as if I were simply mowing the lawn, you quickly come to have a bit of disdain for it. Not your little tank, mind you, but for the RIDICULOUS terrain you are sometimes made to trek over. The game designers seem to have a mountain fetish, and it gets frustratingly annoying fast.

The tastiness of Mass Effect is easily worth a chipped tooth or two though, especially when you go back for seconds.

Mass Effect 2 does everything the first game did...but it replaces the stony-bits with nutty-bits. Overall the game feels more polished. The story remains the best part, and is on-par with the first's. The game's start is nicer to you, still throwing you right into being shot at, but at least having the courtesy to inform you how to shoot back. The character classes are all still there, but you only carry weapons you're capable of using. The combat in general is more refined and fun, making you want more. Apparently orbital-bombardment tanks are for the poor, so you now get a shiny shuttle to pamper-you to the surface. The paragon/renegade system is entirely conversation dependent (with the occasional awesome quick-time event...I pushed a dude out a 10,000th-something window), and the inventory and level management are refined and user-friendly. In fact, the only noteworthy issue with the second game is the tedious resource mining for upgrades (I will say it was fantastic when the computer gave me sass for probing Uranus).

So far, the Mass Effect series is simply awesome. If you focus only on the story missions themselves, you're looking at about 12 hours for the first game and 20 for the second (if you don't want your entire crew to die, that is). That's the other thing; as mentioned, this is a series of games. I highly recommend playing through Mass Effect, investing in your character and their decisions, importing them into the next game and continuing on. It makes for one of the most personal games available, and is truly a worthwhile endeavor.

But hey, if all that isn't enough, at least you can get some virtual booty.

> EpicError

Even In The Darkest Muffin

So, I know this album was released several years ago, and the band has either broken up or taken an indefinite hiatus (neither of which are terribly good), but I couldn't pass this one by. It's one of my all time favorite albums, and I would've loved to see more from this band.

Every New Day is a three-piece melodic hardcore/metalcore band from Canada. I know, what you're all thinking. Metal from Canadialand? Really? They can't do anything brutal up there. But prepare to be amazed! These Canadians really tear it up. Consisting of Murray Campbell (lead vocals and lead guitar), Scott Campbell (bass and vocals), and Matt Colonval (drums), you have to give this trio some major props. Even In The Darkest Places was released in 2006 on Hand of Hope/Eulogy Records and was the band's sophomore effort.

They waste no time in pulling you in with the album opener "Best Defenses". It definitely sets the pace, and a standard, for the rest of the album. Murray's soaring vocals and sweeping guitar riffs provide a perfect definition of the sound that Every New Day embodies. "Transparency", "Rise Up", and "Colder" follow suit with anthemic feeling choruses and wonderful guitar work. After "Rise Up", you'll want to just stand up and shout along as Murray sings "We will rise up! We will stand together!"). "Silent Streets" switches things up with a beautiful piano intro, with the guitar fading in. This song displays a bit of a softer side to the band with lyrics like "Knowing every day I wake up brings me back to you...". Then, a few songs later, they showcase their hardcore roots with "Mark This Day". This album hooks you from start to finish with the talented guitars, the powerful yet catchy lyrics, and the high energy of the music as a whole.

I mentioned earlier that Murray does the lead vocals and lead guitar. After listening to the album the whole way through, you can't help be impressed. He plays some incredibly complex riffs while he's switching between screaming and singing, and that deserves some recognition right there.

Overall, this album is one of my personal favorites, because I love the style of music, and Murray is an incredible song writer who can craft lyrics that fit the music perfectly. This band died out well before its time, and it is truly a shame. I would have loved to see what they could have done with even one more release.

>Pawn

The Muffinless Rise

I'd like to start this review by commanding all of you to go buy this album. Right now.

I'm waiting.

Go get it! You don't even need to leave your computer to get it. You don't even need to put on pants!

What are you waiting for?

"The Powerless Rise" is the fourth studio release from metal maestros As I Lay Dying, and it appears that Tim's work in Austrian Death Machine (his side project - an Arnold Schwarzenegger tribute band) has greatly increased both the band's appeal and talent.

The guitar work in this album is miles beyond AILD's previous work, which is saying quite a lot. They've taken it up a notch in this release, not just on one or two songs. The entire album got a tune up in the key of BRUTAL. Aside from the phenomenal guitars, the drums have a depth that truly compliments the music. As if that wasn't enough, Tim's screams, growls, and all out roars have gained an added ferocity not seen until now. And to top it all off, bassist Josh Gilbert's clean vocals mesh seamlessly to create a brilliant musical creation.

"The Powerless Rise" boasts 11 tracks of pure metal. It opens with "Beyond Our Suffering" - a pummeling onslaught of guitars, growls, and double-kick. However, it was the fourth track "Parallels" that truly impressed me. Tim holds nothing back when he screams "In the parallels we struggle... struggle to upkeep, there is a better way for us to be set free. / From all it is we crave, there must be more to life than to simply stay alive... to simply stay alive." And Josh's voice carries above the guitars as he sings "We are not the same as I hope to show. There is a better way if we just let go. / We are not... we are not the same. We are not... we are not the same. Let go..."

As I Lay Dying has always held their music to a higher standard, but this album far exceeds the previous efforts by the band. I highly recommend this album to all metal fans. Especially if you ignored my instructions at the beginning of this post.

>Pawn

Sacred Muffins

"Here, wander around a bit...the game." Sums up Sacred 2: Fallen Angel, or at least the first few hours. We feel it's difficult to review a game we've only played for a smidge, but really, if it takes that long to get enjoyment out of something, you may as well spend your time brewing and aging your own wine; only instead of letting it sit in a cellar for a few years, you watch it. You sit there, and you watch it instead of going out and enjoying life; which is tantamount to playing Sacred 2.

The main issue we faced was simple: We didn't know what in the Bowser's trousers was going on, or what we were supposed to be accomplishing. The only semblance of a story we came across was a bad 90's era action scene, and a brief parting moment with our "teacher", who had us shank a fellow student. This was followed by nothing...and we mean NOTHING...but faffing about. Sure, we ran into several other creatures...and killed most of them while our characters made remarks about their need to pick up lotion in the next town, or how they hoped the criminal scum we were decapitating "didn't smell.". But this wouldn't have been so bad had we had a destination, or a reason to be killing the poor foul beasts; but no, the game world is simply so aggressive that no child would ever be capable of walking outside the family milk farm without being mugged by five passing turtle monsters. Now, we weren't completely without a sense of direction. There was a nice little blue arrow on our compass. He taunted us. He led us into a myriad of waist-high trolls and giant rats. Interestingly enough, all the efforts of these trolls, rats, and angry turtles was all for naught; as we were playing co-op...which in the universe of Sacred 2, apparently means dying is a mere inconvenience on the same level as running out of milk. Except even this game could make running out of milk more difficult than getting Tom Cruise to appear his actual height. The inventory and leveling systems are needlessly complex; the management systems were so unintuitive they could only have been designed more poorly by someone from the 1960's who had never seen what a computer menu should look like. Also, on the topic of visuals... the game was shiny, if you can tolerate 5-10 FPS shiny. In fact, the only thing we enjoyed were the rag-doll corpses.

While there are SEVERAL other things we could gripe about (controls, combat system, the HUD, the camera, the portrayal of woman as seen through the eyes of a pubescent D&D player), we simply have to thank GameStop that they will buy the used game back. We were looking for a worthy successor to the amazing co-op console awesomeness that was Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance...and this game failed us spectacularly. Perhaps if our attention spans were days long, and we didn't demand instant gratification, it may have been tolerable...but they're not, and we do...so therefore it deserves to be taken back to whence it came...that lonely, lonely shelf on the GameStop wall where we hope it stays until the end of time...or until the oil spill reaches it.

>PopeVader
>EpicError